Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Mouschen Houschen

Hey – do you guys want to talk about Yolanda Foster‘s Lyme Disease?! NO?! Well, everyone else on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills does. 

Before we get into the lemon-lyme mess of moushchen-houschen-doth-protestest-too-much, the ladies are still in San Diego recovering from the Erika Jayne treatment. As if the Erika Jayne gyration experience wasn’t enough, she gave them whiplash when she bold-faced lied the night before. Nevertheless the ladies are climbing aboard Erika’s golden tour bus for a trip to Kathryn Edwards‘ house. At Kathryn’s they may not have c-nty necklaces, or a plethora of naked male dancers, but they do have a fireplace of stones imported from Jerusalem!

Over brunch Eileen Davidson demands an answer to who told Yolanda that Bella and Anwar’s Lyme was discussed (and lied about the context). Finally Erika confesses. No one asks why she lied the night before, or to Yolanda. She claims she merely mentioned the discussion to Yo. The side-eye of Lisa Vanderpump does not believe her. 

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The heat is taken off Erika by someone noticing how Lisa Rinna barely eats, instead nibbling a couple bites here and there, which segues into how Lisa was called anorexic by Kim Richards. 

Yes – we had to talk about Kim again. I swear she gets a royalty check overtime her name is mentioned and therefore Kyle Richards has everyone contractually obligated to keep discussing her.

Recounting last season’s crazy events, Lipsa used the word “scary,” a word which Kathryn objects to. 

Erika kept interjecting, demanding the ladies stop talking about Kyle’s sister, because Erika is the conversation nazi. She will wield her domineering personality, shadily swinging around her cape of blonde hair, and insist you only discuss things Erika deems appropriate. Hmmmm… Erika is starting to show serious shades of Yolandaisms – you know, bossing everyone, making decrees about behavior, believing she’s impervious to fault. Erika must buy her hair dye at Whole Foods too!

Since the conversation continued,  Kyle started crying and fled the table, making sure to bring her $4000 purse with her. Did she think someone would filch her lipgloss?!

LVP follows Kyle to console her through a rant about Lipsa not being exempt from blame in the whole Amsterdam debacle. “I could bring up the threatening texts she sent Kim!” Kyle seethes. “I was scared for my sister!” Kyle can pray all she wants to the stones in Kathryn’s kitchen, but it ain’t gonna take away the misdeeds of Kim. 

Back at the table Eileen, Kathryn, and Lipsa manage to have a civil and adult discussion while Erika pouts and rolls her eyes. Erika does need to go to her room – or her tour bus, or the Erika Jayne Sanitrorium where gay male backup dancers in thongs genuflect to a shrine of her leather bustiers. Kathryn defends Kim’s behavior as a by-product of her disease – addiction – and Lipsa agrees Kim wasn’t so much scary, as “bizarre.”

Kathryn reveals her own painful dealings with addiction by sharing that her father battled with it and committed suicide when she was 13. Kathryn cries recounting the story. Eileen, as always is supportive. Eileen is like the Housewives Whisperer – or Chicken Soup for the Overly Indulged Housewives Soul. The Secret To Friendship With Eileen Davidson: How to make even the most superficial women show a shred of humanity. 

Meanwhile Yolanda is bed-ridden back in Beverly Hills. David kisses her goodbye, thanking her for packing his suitcase and she demurs, “It’s about the only thing I can do for you, my love!” Yes Yolanda must conserve her strength for booty carnivals and arguments with Lisa Rinna! #Priorities #LymesOfMyLovesLives 

Back home, Erika and LVP double-date with their hubbies. It’s Tom’s first time meeting another Housewife, other than Yolanda. Lisa and Ken travel to Pasadena, where the house tour leaves Lisa perplexed – if this is Mrs. Girardi’s house – including the chapel – where does Erika Jayne live? Lisa deduces it’s in the basement. 

Over dinner, Tom is either quite taken with Lisa, or schmoozing her. Lisa doesn’t seem to care which! Lisa describes Tom twinkly and sparky – just like Erika Jayne (see they do have something in common!). Tom, on the other hand, compares Lisa to an alligator, lying idly on the beach then suddenly snapping.

Observing the Girardi marriage, Lisa recognizes that they love each other and that Tom doubles as Erika’s parent – at one point he tells her to “go to her room” when the topic of Erika using the word “c-nt” is broached.  Naturally the conversation includes Yolanda and why Erika felt the need to drag Lisa’s name through the mud concerning Bella and Anwar’s Lyme. Tom suggests Yolanda is intimidated by Lisa, who smirks in response at the absurdity. Lisa knows full-well Yolanda isn’t intimidated – she just doesn’t want to be called out by someone who knows! As Lisa explained, “Yolanda has continually posted on social media, so she’s put herself out there for public scrutiny.”

I wonder if Lisa is gonna start adding alligators to her animal menagerie? Or skeletons of her victims. 

While Lisa is sizing-up Erika and being compared to a reptile, Kyle has lunch with Adrienne Maloof.  Naturally, Kyle cries over her issues with Kim and Kathy, and Adrienne is consoling and supportive. 

Can Kyle stop? EVERY SINGLE EPISODE she whines and complains about how she doesn’t want to talk about Kim, because they’re working on their relationship or it’s painful for her to discuss Kim’s issues with the other ladies. Yeah, maybe Kyle doesn’t want to talk about Kim with people who don’t like her, but I think it’s more that Kyle wants to throw a big sulky tantrum for attention. Because like 15 minutes later Kyle will be going to lunch with Adrienne, or inviting Faye over to talk, or crying to Bethenny and it’s always ABOUT KIM. Kyle wants to control the narrative about Kim, therefore Kyle is able put out only her version of the story. The version where Kyle is the caring, concerned sister victimized by the horrible plague of addiction – not the version where everyone is reminded of how “vile and vicious” Kim is (even when she wasn’t drinking!). 

Erika is hosting her version of a BBQ, which is no more a BBQ than the one Kyle had. Actually, for all Erika’s complaining about Kyle being over-dressed in a kaftan at her own party, Erika has a full glam squad trailing her around throwing piles of glitter, hair extensions and Cavalli kaftans on top of her. None of the ladies were certain of the dress code, so hilariously Kyle wore jeans. 

Poor Kyle is forced to ride to the party with Yolanda, who wants to do nothing but talk about Lyme Disease and complain that Lipsa put the word “HauschenMousen” out there in the universe. Look at this way – Yolanda has mispronounced Munchausen so many times, no one even understands what she’s parenthetically afflicted with because at this point it’s a made up disease. Let’s just call that IRONIC. 

Eileen and Lipsa ride together. “Eileen Jayne” is wearing a black lace, strapless jumpsuit chosen by Erika Jayne, who preaches that everyone needs a little of her in their lives. Oh go tell it to your chapel!

Wearing black lace it’s fitting, however, because Eileen is the barer of bad news – the undertaker of gossip must inform Lipsa that, despite her apology to Yolanda, Yolanda remains furious that she was accused of having Munchausen. Yolanda even told Eileen that based on Lipsa’s behavior in Amsterdam last season Yolanda could accuse Lipsa of being bi-polar, but she wouldn’t do that. She wouldn’t put that out there. Never-ever! “Except she just did,” remarks Lipsa, who is getting the full breadth of Yolanda’s commitment to vigilantly maintaining her Lyme-Lusion. 

So, it appears Yolanda no more understands bi-polar disorder than she does Lyme or Munchausen?

Now Lipsa is dreading having to, once again, deal with Yolanda’s Lyme drama. At the party fake pleasantries are exchanged while male dancers in speedos shake their ass and there are carnival games set up. Erika is starting to weird me out. Either she’s one of those women who comes on a reality show, but refuses to show her real life and puts up a facade (like swanning around her overly-decorated mansion trailed by a coterie of ‘gays,’ talking about her hoohah, to detract from bringing her ‘actual’ friends on the show), or she’s the type of woman who uses shock value to get attention and gain control of social situations, which is certainly how she’s approaching the Real Housewives. For instance – dinner with LVP was pure calculation. Erika wants to cozy-up to Lisa to gauge her, away from the other women. The other oddity: Erika appears to only hang out with gay men who adore her – like Mikey, her stylist who doesn’t really have any style. What’s happening here? For about 15 minutes I was completely enthralled by Erika’s candor and sass! I loved how she handled Bethenny and without ruffled feathers. I still appreciate that she’s so hard on LVP because they’re very similar. They would have been potent and fabulous allies dominating this game if it weren’t for a little thing called StoryLymes! 

Yes, Erika has hitched her wheel to the wagon of baggage known as Yolanda Hadid Foster Hadid – who is loyal to no one unless they bow unrelentingly to her facade!

At the carnival, Lisa and Kathryn brought their hubbies, and then Mauricio arrives. Yolanda is obviously without My King, who is out there somewhere in the world dancing euphorically to “FREEDOM” (hopefully surrounded by supermodels), while throwing the clothes Yolanda and Daisy meticulously packed and organized out the window! 

Yolanda suddenly has a renewed piss and vigor, a strength that appears almost superhuman for a woman in her delicate delymed condition. She flings beanbags at stacks of cans with abandon, and through hollow emotion, she snaps, “I’m so mad about Mauschenhousesnschnadenfraud!” Erika cheers her on. 

After expending so much energy on aluminum cans, Yolanda regains her strength by nibbling on an ice-only SnoCone (master cleanse flavor wasn’t on tap?!), she then prepares for battle with Lipsa. Lipsa is resigned to get this latest awkward conversation over with. Everyone sits down to discuss, once again, Hausenstupidiosus, or whatever the f–k Yolanda doesn’t have, but doesn’t want people thinking she does have. 

Yolanda is furious with Lipsa for putting such lies out in the universe. Lipsa apologizes AGAIN, then mentions that if Yolanda was still upset she should have called her. Yolanda explodes because SHE isn’t supposed to call LIPSA – LISA is the one who did the bad thing! Wasn’t Yolanda the woman previously lecturing about talking to your girlfriends over coffee in order to work things out?

Lisa keeps reminding Yolanda of the facts: She never said Yolanda had Munchausen but didn’t have Lyme (someone else did). She admitted to reading it out-loud to Kyle and LVP, but did not tell the entire group, but the only thing she can do is apologize which Yolanda doesn’t want to accept. 

Being that she’s Yolanda’s Sequin-studded Security Team, Erika berates Lipsa for refusing to reveal the source for the Munchausen comment. As Erika yells at Lipsa, Yolanda tries to hide her smirk. 

That’s when LVP speaks up to defend Lipsa, which was awesome. Yolanda tried to accuse Lipsa of saying she had Munchausen By Proxy by reading aloud THAT definition. But LVP quickly cut Yolanda off with the facts. 

Yolanda rages at LVP for defending “That person” (Lipsa) practically spitting the words at LVP, who stands her ground. Then LVP reminds Yolanda that HER own inconsistencies in behavior and talk are what led to so many questions. Like Yolanda saying she hasn’t walked in a year, yet last season was running around Beverly Hills on a scavenger hunt she orchestrated! Yolanda completely ignores LVP’s line of reasoning, glossing over it with a dismissive ‘some days I feel well! LymeBrain forgets!’ then goes back to her initiative of dumping blame on Lipsa for making her look bad with the word “Mauchenfraud”. 

Eventually Lipsa and Yolanda reach a tacit peace and ‘hug it out’, but Lipsa doesn’t believe anything has been resolved. 

All I have to say is Lisa and Lisa, I am cheering from the sidelines as you tackle this degrading disease Yolanda is afflicted with – whatever it is. #LIfeFromTheSidelines As LVP consoled Yolanda, “We just want you to get better.” 

TELL US – SHOULD THE WOMEN HAVE QUESTIONED ERIKA ABOUT WHY SHE LIED? IS YOLANDA’S ANGER AT LISA AND LISA JUSTIFIED?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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