Ain’t no party like a Real Housewives Of New York party! Especially when you mix Leah McSweeney with Sonja Morgan for the ultimate, super potent cocktail. COCK-tail being the operative word considering that a vibrator wound up in the chicken. Imagine the immersion blender capabilities…
It’s the morning after another party where Sonja got so trashed she screamed about shaving pussies in a $39.9 million dollar house. They all wake up to learn Luann de Lesseps fled in the middle of the night citing the horror of being shut into Ramona Singer‘s basement amid the fumes of dog pee and a spider infestation. Is it spider or spite-her? Luann thinks she was put down below on purpose to remind her of her place, but Ramona is probably just thoughtless and a terrible hostess.
They’re all taking a tour of said basement of supposed horrors when Luann calls Ramona to explain why she got so upset. Luann is feeling left out and has FOMO, simple as that. She’s already the outcast for not drinking, then she’s shunted into the basement, hidden away like a pox on fun.
Instead of Ramona berating Luann for putting on Countess airs even though she had an open marriage, she’s contrite. This is part of the new Ramona: A renewed, softer version looking for a wealthy established partner. Gentleman prefer women with gentle curves and well-spoken elocution and high society manners, not women who caterwaul and brawl and insult their friends. Ramona is obviously taking dating advice from My Fair Lady.
She begs Luann to return for lunch and the tennis session she has scheduled for them, and Luann accepts. Now, the only reason Ramona is suddenly interested in playing tennis (after not playing the entire time she was married to Mary-O, an avid tennis player) is the hot Italian pro. Luann is infinitely better at tennis, but also 0-love on chatting up the instructor. I say lob him over to Tinsley Mortimer or Leah, but they’re too hungover to care. Also Tinsley probably doesn’t publicly fraternize with the help.
Afterwards the ladies sit down to lunch and more wine. Sonja’s liver is surely pickled. I’m sure she’s already bottled it up, slapped a Sonja Morgan Lifestyle brand logo on it and employed a Bosnian Rowing Team to collaborate on pickled maraschino ladies livers that provide any cocktail with an instant infusion of style and lushness. The ladies start out with frosè and Dorinda Medley offers Luann a taste. Luann almost dives in before she realizes there’s booze in it. What is Dorinda doing? Dorinda is convinced Lu isn’t an alcoholic, she just had a bad few years. It sounds like Dorinda wants Luann to drink to make herself feel better about how much she boozes. Luann may not be an alcoholic in the traditional sense of the word, but her life has certainly improved significantly since laying off the sauce.
For instance over lunch Ramona puts Lu on the spot about being vulnerable. Since Luann missed the boozy vineyard lunch where they all shared and cared, Ramona wants Luann to bare her soul retroactively. Luann surprises them all by admitting that it’s a struggle to be around all of them having fun and partying while maintaining her sobriety. She almost slipped, but made a promise to herself and doesn’t want to let herself down. These words hit home with Leah, who broke her own resolve not to booze, but then she swiftly ignored it and popped another cork.
Leah is a crazy-ass fun drunk. Her drunkeness is ‘fall in the bushes onto a fake pirate’ level. Which means her drinking is good for us, but probably very bad for her. Is it wrong to selfishly love her intoxicated?
Also Ramona is straight up rude to Leah. She orders her around like the help. Even though Ramona has a woman there to cook and clean! Apparently Ramona is practicing for when she hopefully lands her own Morgan!
Luann redeems herself from the fiasco of hitting on the tennis pro when Sonja’s sexy dog groomer shows up to the house. He’s also a massage therapist. Or maybe he only massages pooches? Hard to tell, but he suddenly he had his hands all over Luann’s sore parts. Tennis is tough on the body! So Luann got buffed and fluffed by Marley’s masseur. Meanwhile Sonja put the dog hair dryer up her skirt. Cause you know, why not?! It goes wonderfully with the chicken vibrator. The Sonja Morgan Lifestyle focuses on sustainability and multi-use products.
That night the women stage a coup against attending another of Ramona’s stuffy parties with her new social climbing friends. Instead they order all the food and ALL THE BOOZE. And Ramona ordered in one random dude named Jeff, maybe, who was about 5’2 and looked like a ruddy turnip whose been sporting the same hair cut since the 80’s. Ramona tried in vain to bring the party to her, but no one came except this guy and all the women are actively trying to throw him out. With good reason.
Tinsley decides the activity for the evening is champagne pong. The object of which is to drink every time Tinsley bellows “DRINK BITCH!” in her raspy party-ravaged voice. This is Depressed Tinsley. Tinsley who realizes that Dale Mercer has the nanny cam turned on and will be calling with an epic lecture on Monday morning. Since she’s already let mommy down, why not just go for broke?!
Leah is ready to ride shotgun on this party bus. Sonja is, as always, bringing up the rear.
These three get so obliterated they wind up rolling around on Ramona’s kitchen floor while Sonja shoves a mysterious vibrator in Tinsley’s face. That of course leads to topless swimming. Then Leah starts ripping lit tiki torches out of the ground and flinging them across the yard like Game Of Thrones in a suburban roid rage. Leah hates everything that stands for suburbia, proper etiquette, and social norms.
Sonja just hates Ramona so she’ll eagerly join in in decimating Ramona’s fortress to social climbing. Sonja loves feeling young and fancy free again. Leah seems to have permanently stunted adolescence and never left the rebellious teen phase, in contrast to Tinsley who never entered it!
Inside the old broads are hectoring Dorinda about John. That Elyse Slaine woman has shown up and she’s just such dead weight I completely see why she didn’t get cast. I guess Ramona was trying to class up Real Housewives Of New York, but nope – we prefer Leah! Ramona still can’t stand John, and intimates to Dorinda that when her back is turned he’s soliciting numbers from other women. Women Ramona knows, who are also in relationships. See – everyone has a significant other but Ramona, which is why she needs to socialize prolifically! Nevermind that not appearing desperate is the first advice in finding a partner. Dorinda is pissed that Ramona is spreading rumors to undermine her relationship.
I do agree with Ramona that Dorinda is deluding herself about being happy with John. She still pines for Richard so clearly she is not about that dry cleaning life. Should Ramona try to ‘Bethenny’ her by claiming she has proof John is cheating? Not a chance.
Ramona decides to bitch and bail. She literally skips out on her own party to attend another party. Luann takes this as her cue to leave for her nice, spider-free Tide-smelling sheets where the dog groomer is probably already waiting.
That leaves Dorinda to babysit the very drunk Leah, Sonja and Tinsley. Leah emerges from the pool wearing her mesh coverup top and nothing underneath. Nipples blazing! Dorinda immediately tells her it doesn’t look right. She needs a brahr! Every mother knows that you have to hoist those suckers up or they’ll stay that way. Leah finds the body shaming ridiculous, but seems to understand on some level that she must these women – exempting Sonja – like her mother. She reacts to them like a teenager who knows she’s a hairsbreadth away from always being grounded.
Leah agrees to let Dorinda stuff her into a leopard bra, but Dorinda is scandalized to see not just a midriff, but wings tattooed on Leah’s vagina. And they thought a tramp stamp was bad… They literally applaud when Leah returns with the bra on, and gush over how pretty and respectable she looks. Yep – she’s ready to waltz into church and take communion!
The party ends when Leah decides Tinsley and Sonja need to stop pretending they’re still Mortimer’s and Morgans. She literally screams at them to divorce themselves of the last names and MOVE THE FUCK ON. Salient and much-needed advice.
‘That Morgan yacht has fucking sailed!” Leah screams at Sonja who is still arguing with herself about why she’s not a trophy wife. It’s cause she liked gardening and toaster ovens. Sonja interrupts her own point to go pee and Leah follows her into the bathroom, sits down on the floor in front of the toilet, and literally tells Sonja’s (hopefully unshaven) vagina that she is too good of a bitch to be clinging extemporaneously to the Morgan name and the phony lifestyle that came with it. Besides, no one thinks of Sonja as part of the upper echelon anymore! She was a hanger-on, now she’s a has-been. Also the only Blue Book Sonja’s in is the Kelly Blue Book, beside a picture of her 300 year old Range Rover that she found in the town house basement. Leah wants to hear about Sonja’s life now, not Sonja’s life then. Just like she wants Tinsley to take the socialite shit and shove it up Dale’s ass with a vengeance. I mean once you’ve got a mug shot the jig is clearly up!
Leah is such a breath of fresh air and voice of reason on this show.
The next morning Ramona wakes up to find her entire house trashed. The kitchen is an explosion of filthy rotting dishes and a vibrator is sitting in the chicken sauce. Did Sonja do some midnight cooking porn? Leah is standing there, fresh-faced in a bright white t-shirt, ready to face the music from mom’s rage and promises she’ll make everything better. Ramona bellows at her to clean this shit up. Then she storms upstairs to find Dorinda and Sonja cowering in bed with these weird facelift strips on their faces. They dive under the covers as she screeches at them for the mess. Ramona actually blames the entire situation on Dorinda who should have been the voice of reason. That’s like the blind leading the blind, and Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead.
Dorinda throws it back in Ramona’s face that she’s had her Berkshires house trashed time and time again by these women – including the year Ramona ripped paintings off the wall! While they’re screaming at each other like vultures, Leah quickly gets the kitchen spic and span. She might have gotten off the hook had Ramona not discovered the backyard with the broken tiki torches strewn everywhere, a champagne bottle in the pool, glasses shattered in the grass. Ramona is lucking a bra didn’t clog the filter. Even Dorinda can agree that this is disrespectful.
Sonja immediately throws Leah under the bus for throwing the tikis. Leah points the finger back at Sonja for tossing all the torches on one side of the pool. Still Leah is the only one who helps clean up. Meanwhile Tinsley is passed out with a plate of pasta sitting next to her on the bed.
Watching Real Housewives Of New York back to back against Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is so surreal. I love New York.
TELL US – WOULD YOU WANT TO PARTY WITH TINSLEY, LEAH AND SONJA? ARE YOU IMPRESSED THAT LUANN GOT VULNERABLE? DID RAMONA OVER-REACT TO THE MESS?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
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