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No season of Survivor would be complete if we didn’t compile the all-time list of winners each season…especially following a season full of all winners! With 40 seasons now in the rear-view, we just witnessed Tony Vlachos becoming the latest person to win Survivor and becoming the game’s second-ever TWO-TIME winner…but where does this specific season win sit on the all-time list?
Each season of Survivor is unique, featuring its own set of rules, and players. Sometimes, comparing who is “best” comes down purely to one’s own personal opinion…that being said, the two players with two winning seasons top the list, and I’ll list my reasons as to why one should be listed atop the other.
All 38 people who won Survivor obviously did something right in their season to have won. So this ranking is based on three things, and it’s quite simple: How the person played the game – their particular winning season – according to Survivor’s moniker of “Outwit,” “Outplay,” “Outlast.” Read on in order to see the Top Survivor Winners of All-Time and where ultimately ranks.
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Explanation: Chris might go down in history as the most controversial winner the game will ever know. Sure, he made the most of his last few days in the game leading up to his 9-4 win, but he was only in the game for a total of 13 days! The other 26 he spent on Edge of Extinction, and while that’s no cake-walk, it says nothing about his legacy as a winner. Chris is also the first winner in the game’s history to have been voted-out, only to return and win the game. That alone puts him behind every other winner, who somehow managed to win the game. Yes, you have to adapt to the rules and twists or your season, but a key ingredient to what makes Survivor Survivor, is the ability to win jury votes from people that you had to vote out of the game. The masters can do this flawlessly. The upper echelon of winners can at least manage their juries. A mediocre winner somehow finds him or herself at the end, and scrapes out a few votes. The worst among them bypasses this completely, and deserves a place on this list, but just barely.
#37: Vecepia Towery – “Survivor: Marquesas”
#36: Natalie White – “Survivor: Samoa”
#35: Tommy Sheehan – “Survivor: Island of the Idols”
#34: Tina Wesson – “Survivor: Australian Outback”
#33: Ethan Zohn – “Survivor: Africa”
#32: Amber Brkich (Mariano) – “Survivor: All-Stars”
#31: Earl Cole – “Survivor: Fiji”
#30: Michele Fitzgerald – “Survivor: Kaoh Rong”
#29: Sophie Clarke – “Survivor: South Pacific”
#28: Aras Baskauskas – “Survivor: Panama”
#27: Danni Boatwright – “Survivor: Guatamala”
#26: Mike Holloway – “Survivor: Worlds Apart”
#25: Bob Crowley – “Survivor: Gabon”
#24: J.T. Thomas – “Survivor: Tocantins”
#23: Jud “Fabio” Birza – “Survivor: Nicaragua”
#22: Jenna Morasca – “Survivor: Amazon”
#21: Ben Driebergen – “Survivor: Heroes vs. Healers vs. Hustlers”
#20: Denise Stapley – “Survivor: Philippines”
#19: Chris Daugherty – “Survivor: Vanuatu”
#18: Natalie Anderson – “Survivor: San Juan del Sur”
#17: Todd Herzog – “Survivor: China”
Nick played a very interesting game, one that is a little hard to judge. On one hand, he played a “pedal-to-the-metal” game and proved to be a great strategic and social threat. He orchestrated a huge blindside post-merge that propelled him on-ward, and he ended up winning the final three Immunity Challenges that earned him a spot in front of the jury. He did all this, without receiving a single vote against him, falling short of the Survivor “perfect game” by losing three votes at the Final Tribal Council.
He also had a great story, was shown to be selfless at times, and if they ever did another “Hero” season, Nick would be ideal. So why isn’t Nick ranked higher? Despite all he did accomplish in the game (and it was a lot), Nick also seemed to be on the outside of several votes down the stretch and didn’t really control the game like other winners have. Ironically Nick would have and SHOULD have been the first boot, had not his fellow cast mate Pat had a freak accident while being transported back to shore from a challenge, which led to his medical evacuation. Nick fought from that point onward, for sure, but benefited greatly from the “Survivor Gods” early and often. Nick though, also deserves credit for winning a season that was chock-full of “next-level” players who were all in it to win it…so considering who he won against, that also moved Nick up a few spots.
Adam came out on top of what was one of the most competitive group of ballers ever assembled on Survivor. His was an emotional journey, but when it came to the game of Survivor, he was all business. Adam had the unique ability to relate to even his enemies, and his brotherly love-hate relationship with arch nemesis Jay stands as a great testament to Adam’s social game. That being said, Adam did find himself on the wrong end of several votes, and post-merge he had seemed to have burn a lot of bridges. But he ultimately navigated his way through the game by adapting and positioning himself perfectly behind other, bigger, threats. He found a few hidden Idols, but played them at incorrect times in incorrect ways. Yes, Adam became only the fifth person in Survivor history to win by unanimous vote, but his game was far from perfect, and of the other unanimous winners, Adam received the most votes against him out of them all. At the time of his win, Adam became the youngest winner ever, and when you consider who he was up against and the season that he played in, Adam definitely deserves upper echelon Winner status.
There is definitely a lot to like about Sarah‘s game, and it has to be factored in that she was playing among some of the all-time greats of Survivor. She was determined to play a more cutthroat game this time out, and boy did she ever. She made big, bold moves and swayed the game in her direction. She had a great social game, but it was helped greatly by the fact that she won the first five tribal Challenges, and didn’t have to go to a Tribal Council until Day 16. Her in-game social awareness was good but not great, as she mistakenly put all of her trust in Tai, who nearly sent her home had Cirie not intervened. But Sarah was unapologetic in her actions and had awareness in other ways, like when she spotted and nabbed the Secret Advantage right out from underneath Michaela during a Challenge. She decided at every turn to “play the game” instead of standing pat. It worked out for her in the end, and despite never having won an Individual Immunity, Sarah’s win was among the best female performances of all-time, especially in a returnee season.
When looking at Jeremy‘s game, the most impressive feat was who he was up against: a cast of all-returning players voted in by the fans and given a second chance at the game. Still, he turned in a dominating performance. His game was the third ever Survivor “perfect game” in that he won by unanimous jury vote and had no votes cast against him the entire game… but his perfect game comes with an asterisk, because he did have three votes against him that were negated by one of the two hidden Idols he had found. But Jeremy relied heavily on strong players around him, instead of really willing his way to the end on his own. He second-guessed several decisions he made (like voting out Joe Anglim) and was almost done in by Kimmi Kappenberg, only to be saved by his alliance. He was never in any real danger save for that vote, and while he was a master of subtle strategic game-play this season – in a cast full of “go big or go home” players – he also benefited greatly from a strong initial tribe, the luck of the draw (his main alliance stuck together even through several early tribe swaps) and by surrounding himself with other strong players. For me, a great, awesome performance that falls just shy of the Top 10 of all time.
Wendell is one of the coolest, calmest cats ever to dominate the game. An emerging theme in recent seasons, Wendell benefited greatly by being on a winning tribe early in the game, and it’s there that he formed a bond with “The Dom-Father” Domenick Abbate. Each with an Idol in their possession, they would go on to control the game all the way to the end. But it was by design that Wendell played a “quieter” game than the more boisterous and animated Dom. While Dom was out-front, Wendell was building relationships that would ultimately crown him the winner.
He had great in-game awareness and there wasn’t a soul in the game that didn’t like or respect Wendell, even when he was just as responsible for slitting throats as Dom was. Dom may be the most qualified player ever to lose the game, but Wendell deserves even more kudos for attaching himself to Dom and somehow, someway coming out on top. Heck, Wendell is so laid-back, that he actually won a third Individual Immunity Challenge, but simply forgot to mention to Probst that he had finished his puzzle. He’s a physical threat, he’s mentally strong and the game has never witnessed such a calming presence. While most players battle paranoia increasingly throughout the game, Wendell never sweat the small stuff, and even though his Final Tribal Council performance wasn’t the strongest we’ve seen, Wendell deserves to be included in the rare air of upper echelon Survivor winners.
Tyson Apostol, in his third try at the game, put in one heck of a performance. He gets kudos for winning the strategically rejuvenated “loved ones” season, the first of its kind. He came in a very big target but was able to shift focus away from him. He found two hidden Idols and controlled the game. Tyson ran into a bit of trouble when he had to draw rocks to stay in the game, but fate was on his side. Down the stretch, he won the last two Immunity challenges when he had to and won in a convincing 7-1-0 vote. His game was not without hiccups (he unnecessarily played a hidden Idol and drawing a rock isn’t an ideal way to advance), but it was a powerful strategic performance in a season like none other.
Are you ready for the Top 10? Here goes:
Yul Kwon was intelligent, calculating, and well liked by his tribe – a rare mix for a Survivor winner. He had an Immunity Idol, yet never had to play it. His own tribe called him “Ringleader,” yet he went to the end and won. He is the rare Survivor winner who was well-liked despite the strategic moves he made and he was ultimately rewarded for his hard strategic game play. He is the text-book definition of the Survivor “triple-threat”: a strong social, strategic and physical specimen.
Parvati, in this her second season, was masterful at keeping together her “girl-power” alliance. Her best move was the Ozzy blindside, one of the best in history. She was also up against Amanda in the end, which is a sure-fire way to win the votes. But Parvati is without a doubt one of the best female competitors the show has ever seen and had she been able to sneak some votes away from Sandra during “Heroes vs. Villains,” it could be Parvati who is known as the greatest player ever. She is definitely one of them.
Tom dominated his season, and is among the most well liked Survivors in history. It was hard not to root for Tom, and his game play in Palau changed the game forever… here was a guy who yes, played strategic, but somehow did it with a sense of honor and always looked people in the eye. The game continues to evolve, but Tom was a rare example and reminded us that you don’t have to “lie, cheat, and steal” in order to “Outwit, Outplay, Outlast.”
The original winner, and arguably (?) the best… Rich tops nearly every “Survivor List” as being the original snake, the original strategist and the father of the “alliance” that has become a staple of every reality competition show, even outside of Survivor. He is certainly the most important player ever to play the game, for his contributions to all of reality television and for birthing the Survivor strategic blueprints. But nobody would call the “Model T” the “best” car out there: Surely there have been faster, better models made since then, even though they all owe their existence to the grand-daddy. There have been better overall games played on Survivor, but few have been able to win over a jury while simultaneously being seen as a villain.
2013 Survivor Hall of Fame inductee Kim Spradlin was another example of an ideal triple-threat – with a strong social, physical and strategic acumen – and cruised to victory like few have ever done in the show’s history. Like Yul, she found an Immunity Idol early on and never found a need to play it. Like Todd, she knew how to read the jury to tell them what they wanted to hear. Most impressive at all, she managed to win by taking two other respectable players with her to the end in Sabrina and Chelsea, and she still won. Along the way she won four individual challenges tying her all-time amongst female players with Jenna Morasca (Amazon) and Kelly Wigglesworth (Borneo). She made the incredibly complex game of Survivor look easy, and that folks, is not easy. As a first-time player, she played one of the best games a woman has ever played, although her understated style also resulted in a boring run of episodes down the stretch. Boring to an audience salivating for drama, but still about as near-perfect of a game that one can play.
After Richard Hatch miraculously won the first season of Survivor, the next three winners were Tina, Ethan, and Vecepia: all well-liked, stand-up “good” people and players. At that time, it was thought that no one “villainous” like Hatch could ever win again, now that people know the game and what sort of people to look out for. And then there was Brian Heidik. He manipulated, lied, and outplayed everyone. Like Richard, he seemed to be a step ahead of the competition and had it all figured out. Unlike Richard, he seemed to drift through the season without even caring, like it was easy. Maybe it was for Brian, the self-proclaimed “Ice Man.” He is so despised that he has never been asked to play again, which I for one thinks is a shame. His game is the blueprint that all “schemers” have hoped to achieve since. Now that I get a vote for the “Survivor Hall of Fame,” Brian will be on my ballot every single time. Survivor guru Dalton Ross of EW.com also had Brian on his ballot in 2012 and in 2013 Rob Cesternino added his name as well. Is there a Brian Heidik revival going on? Jump on the Heidik bandwagon people. He remains the last true “villain” to play a villainous, cut-throat game… and actually win.
The man who earned being called only by his last name, Cochran is the unlikeliest of Survivor winners on many different levels. There has also been growing backlash against Cochran, as many let their annoyance of him get in the way of the big picture. First, his win has created a new “type” of Survivor winner: Looking at Cochran and comparing him to the types of people who have previously won, there is nobody like him. A life-long Survivor-obsessed, self-proclaimed Harvard nerd, Cochran came into this season with a surprising amount of confidence. His in-game awareness was off the charts and his physical demeanor made him nearly invisible to others early on. But then Cochran began winning physical challenges too.
Cochran never ran into too much danger all season, but it was because he had mastered the timing of Survivor: knowing when to strike, before being struck. He orchestrated big moves and was in control of the game from start to finish. His game was only the second “perfect game” ever (after J.T. in Tocantins) where a winner won by a unanimous jury vote while also never having a single vote cast against them the entire game. What separates Cochran’s game from J.T. is that Cochran orchestrated his game, whereas J.T. relied heavily on Stephen Fishbach to navigate his way to the end. A true student of the game, Cochran pulled off one of the most impressive and unlikely Survivor wins the game may ever see.
Dominant. Absolutely masterful. There is no better way to refer to Boston Rob‘s performance during this season than that. All winners require a degree of luck (can you imagine of Rob had started off on Zapatera instead of Ometepe?) but Rob re-defined what it meant to play a “social game.” Others described his control over his alliance as “cult-like” and indeed he brought a Final 6 with him to the end, all of which firmly believed that Rob was taking them with him to the end. Even that phrase – “taking them” – shows the control Rob had… nobody was taking Rob with, he was “taking them.” He kept control of the game by constantly checking in, and not allowing opportunities for his alliance to discuss things with one another. He made all the right moves, said all the right things. He simply put on the best strategic performance the game has ever seen.
Critics will point out that at the time Rob played, he was also the only person ever to have played the game four times. But he lost “All-Stars” to his future wife Amber (although he dominated that season and should have won) and he could have won “Heroes vs. Villains” if it wasn’t for the opposing force, Russell Hantz (and a goofy, inexplicable vote from Tyson). His resume puts him nearly in a league of his own. So what hasn’t he done that keeps him from being the best winner in history? See #2 and #1.
Sandra won the game not once, but twice. In my mind, there is no better or clearer argument as to why she’s the greatest ever…until Winners at War. But first: It is hard to debate against the cold hard fact that Sandra won Survivor twice. It can’t be called a fluke, and it was done in two different seasons, with two different groups of people. Even Richard, even Rob, couldn’t win twice. Until Season 40, nobody had accomplished this fete, and Sandra is STILL the only returning winner to win a season with other non-winners competing. That is saying something…which by default puts Sandra in a league of her own. Is her strategy of “anybody but me” the key to winning Survivor? Only partially. It basically comes down to knowing, and using, your strengths. And no, her losing during “Game Changers,” and her quit during “Winners at War” does not taint or tarnish the Queen’s legacy.
Sandra is not a physical threat, so is not often targeted early. She has a rare quality (Hatch and Rob had it too) where she knew when to speak, and also knew when not to. Information is power in Survivor, and her tribe mates were always kept on a “need to know” basis. She also possesses a strong ability to sniff people out, like she did with Russell very early on in Heroes vs. Villains. I always said that until another player wins twice, it will be hard to argue against calling Sandra the top Survivor to have ever played the game…but the Queen has finally been dethroned from the top spot.
Long live the new King of Survivor! Tony “Spy Shack/Bunker/Nest” Vlachos has catapulted to the top spot on this list simply because there are only two two-time winners of Survivor, and Tony’s two performances far outweigh the winning seasons of Queen Sandra. While Tony’s first win in Cagayan was flashy and chaotic, his Winners at War win is perhaps the best single season performance in the game’s history. Tony came into the game as one of the massive targets, with a reputation that preceded him. Somehow, he was able to overcome that early obstacle, and going against every one of his instincts, he played a quiet strategic game early on, and focused instead on developing his social game. It worked. But Tony is Tony, and post-merge he absolutely kicked it into high gear and ran the game…and your talking about competition that is the best of the best. He never received a single-vote against him, he won four Immunity Challenges, and he drove nearly every major decision. He ended up needing to win a fire-making challenge against his closest ally, Sarah Lacina, in order to make the Final Three, and he won the game in a landslide.
Tony deserves the title as “King,” and he is the best the game’s ever seen at this point. He’s got two wins along with Sandra, but unlike Sandra he plays an aggressive social and strategic game…and he’s one heck of a TV personality. Congrats Tony, it will be some time – if ever – before you’ll be thought of as anything less than The Best.
Be sure to follow me on Twitter, @tomsantilli!
TELL US – DO YOU AGREE WITH THIS LIST? WHERE WOULD YOU RANK TONY AFTER HIS WINNERS AT WAR WIN?
Photo Credit: CBS/Monty Brinton/Robert Voets
The post Top Survivor Winners Of All-Time – Updated Through Season 40 appeared first on Reality Tea.
Peacock has announced its first round of originals set to premiere this summer! NBCUniversal announced Thursday that the new streaming service, which is already available for...
When you suspect that your deceased parents might have been hiding something from you, who ya gonna call? The answer should always be Meredith Grey (Ellen Pompeo), queen of repressed...Survivor: Winners at War’s emotional and dramatic finale ended with a deserving winner (and final three), and closed a chapter in the show’s early history.
The spread of the coronavirus has made TV shows do a variety of first, from the first Real Housewives virtual reunion with Andy Cohen and The Real Housewives of Atlanta, to Pop TV's One Day at...
Things are heating up in Charleston. Even though Southern Charm isn’t currently on the air, the stars of the show are still stirring up drama on social media. Earlier this week, Cameran Eubanks took to Instagram to confirm that she would not be returning to the show. With rumors swirling as to why she came to this decision, Cameran responded with a lengthy statement shooting down vicious rumors about her marriage.
But sadly, it seems Cameran is just the first of many Southern Charm cast members to leave the series. None other than Thomas Ravenel has broken his silence about the current standing of the show. And if he’s telling the truth (for once), the show is in for a serious shakeup.
Taking to Twitter, Thomas explains his frustrations with the show. “For one 40 minute episode they film 40 hours yet as a cast member you can’t utter the word “edit.” They show you a character acting badly but cut the part out that provoked the bad behavior. Their contract says they have the right to “fictionalize” your story, it’s really bad,” he writes in a since-deleted tweet.
Thomas isn’t the first Bravolebrity to express his frustrations with editing. Yes, you basically sign your life away when you sign up to do a reality show. But I can see how Thomas and the other stars of the show could get fed up with the editing. Southern Charm is one of my favorite Bravo shows. There’s just something about this hot-mess cast that I find endearing. But on a personal level, especially in Thomas’s case, I don’t think he needs any more air time portraying him in a bad light.
I won’t necessarily miss Thomas. I’m hoping this means there will officially be no more Ashley Jacobs appearances on my television screen. But according to Thomas, a number of other cast members refused to return to the show. In another since-deleted tweet, he writes: “So Cameran Wimberly, Chelsea Meissner, Naomie Olindo as did I refused to return for another season of Southern Charm. I obviously know why. Is anyone curious?” He is forgetting the part where he wasn’t asked back last season because of his sexual assault trial. Why would they want him back after that?
Obviously, Thomas, we want the tea. I’m honestly upset about the cast shakeup. I felt like Southern Charm had a really solid group of people on the show that weren’t hanging out just for the cameras. They all had a history. It will be interesting to see what the new season will be like with so many of the cast members leaving. I’m assuming we will get to see a lot of Craig and his pillow business!
TELL US- WHY DO YOU THINK THOMAS, CAMERAN, CHELSEA AND NAOMIE REALLY LEFT THE SHOW? OR IS THOMAS LYING ABOUT GETTING ASKED BACK? WILL YOU STILL BE WATCHING THE NEW SEASON WITHOUT THEM?
[Photo Credit: Charles Sykes/Bravo]
The post Thomas Ravenel Says He Refused To Return To Southern Charm, Along With Naomie Olindo, Chelsea Meissner, & Cameran Eubanks appeared first on Reality Tea.
Denise Richards burst onto The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills scene in season nine, instantly endearing herself to audiences with her no-frills attitude and frank talk about her personal life...
Everyone knows that being a part of reality TV comes with a lot of benefits. There’s the money, the fame, the Instagram followers, the additional career opportunities, and sometimes even a flexible schedule. That’s why it can be so hard for some people to have any sympathy for reality TV stars complaining about first world problems. In general, that’s understandable. However, when disgraced Vanderpump Rules editor Bri Dellinger admitted that she purposely lied and manipulated Scheana Marie to make it seem like she had a sexual interest in Stassi Schroeder’s teenage brother, that was crossing a line.
This same person remarked that Scheana made a mistake not being friends with her because now her favorite thing to do is look for unflattering clips of Scheana. And, you know what, Scheana has been a good sport when it comes to making fun of herself. She’s in on the joke. She laughs at herself. Scheana understands how it works and often takes responsibility for her embarrassing moments. However, Bri went way too far, both doing this and talking about it publicly. There’s more though.
As expected, the original podcast where Bri made her heinous remarks got chopped up and some parts were deleted. But, don’t worry. The Vanderpump Rules Party podcast recorded Bri’s remarks from the now-edited episode and shared them. And wow, this Bri woman just needs to be stopped.
Bri dished on some of her ideas she pitched for the show. Of course, she had an idea that revolved around Scheana. Excuse the grammar on this one, but here we go.
Bri said, “She was faking her orgasm and some out-of-the-box things that I’ve tried that Bravo looks and they’re like ‘no’ was when I made this ‘Vanderporn’ fake [Instagram] page for Scheana when she was faking her orgasm. I was like ‘I feel like I’m watching a porn page’ and it flipped over to a video of Scheana and she’s doing her fake porn and I have like little boxes of her doing her other weird things from the past seasons, where she’s like grinding on the counter and kissing Lala [Kent].”
Bri concluded, “I made this whole Vanderporn thing and they were like ‘no.'” For good reason, Bri. Just do your job instead of going out of the way to humiliate Scheana. Or better yet, don’t do your job because there are a lot of people who don’t want you to stay on the show anymore.
TELL US- WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT BRI’S REMARKS? SHOULD BRI GET FIRED FROM VANDERPUMP RULES?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
The post Vanderpump Rules Editor Made “Fake Porn” Page Making Fun Of Scheana Marie & Hoped To Make This A Segment On The Show appeared first on Reality Tea.
Whew, you guys so much to discuss from last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills but unequivocally my favorite thing ever in this whole world is Denise Richards‘ “I’d like to talk to the manager…” face. Denise may be laid back and getting laid on the daily, but we saw what happens when you try to come for her.
If Kyle Richards believes bringing on Brandi Glanville to destroy Denise’s life (which is just SO GROSS on premise) will work, she’s wrong. I’m totally Team Fucking Denise Richards, and I think most viewers are too.
Also Kyle’s hair this season is just straight up karma! She looks like a matronly old bat from the 80’s attempting sex appeal. Whomever talked her into these messy topknots with teased bangs might be my hero. Reveal yourself – you deserve our praise!
Anyway, so the party continues at Denise’s house. Kyle is crying because she’s the worlds best friend and no one recognizes this. Lisa Rinna was in rare form and by that I mean horrible. I’ve always been a fan of Lipsa, but this season she’s losing me. She’s relishing just a little too much in the idea that she’s controlling the show, from that ridiculous pink throw pillow get-up she’s wearing in the interviews with the clown makeup, to the way she’s badgering Kyle for defending Kim over her friends. Later Lisa will threaten to throw Sutton Stracke out of her daughter’s party at the slightest whisper that there might be a scene.
What Lipsa meant to say is that Kyle didn’t defend Lisa Vanderpump, but she thought better of uttering the name of the sacred saint of Beverly Hills who might descend down in a pink cloud of swan feathers, glitter, and Pomeranian fur, turning that ice sculpture into crisp, cold Vanderpump Rose.
Sutton tells everyone to be quiet so she can take to the soap box of explaining how the problem is that Dorit Kemsley made Kyle feel ike she doesn’t have a life, but Kyle is FILMING A MOVIE in case you didn’t know. SHE HAS A FUCKING LIFE. (No she doesn’t.)
Eventually Kyle does what she does: call everyone fake bitches, accuse them of not being honest, and run out crying. Even though KYLE is the fakest of them all. Teddi Mellencamp chases right after her. Is this a game — the world’s longest game of crying tag?
Dorit is really pressed about Kyle and Teddi being so close. It’s kind of… odd. Denise is exhausted. “Kyle always has to be the center of attention,” she complains. Exactly. Kyle, Kyle, Kyle… Except sure, Jan. This is Kyle’s problem with Denise. No matter what she does, she’s still Kyle Richards whose career peaked at age 8, and Denise is still “fucking Denise Richards” whose career may be Lifetime Movie now, but at one time she was on the cover of every magazine and married to A-List Hollywood royalty. Denise was a bonafide star when no one else in this group even came close. And they know it.
Also as Denise points out she works consistently, filming constantly to pay for Aaron’s giant microwave oven that turns cancer cells into PopRocks and makes torn hamstrings do a happy dance. She’s also dealing with Charlie, raising three kids (including one with special needs), and out-running big Pharma’s henchman. Denise is literally living the life of a Bond Girl! Denise isn’t arrogant or self-obsessed, and she doesn’t need constant validation. “Bye,” Denise waves dismissively as Kyle storms out of her party. I think the correct phrase is actually, “GOODBYE KYYYYYYLE”
Teddi tries to defend Kyle’s honor, but nobody cares. Instead everyone piles on Teddi for daring to accuse them of piling on one person. I’m sorry, this once again brings parallels to LVP. Last year everyone was fine with piling on her? This year, Teddi thinks it’s soooo unfair, but the rules according to Teddi don’t apply to people who aren’t All-In. People like Lipsa and Dorit, who are, if recall, supposed to be some of Kyle’s closest friends. Do they really want to hurt her? Do they really want to make her cry?
The next day Denise gets coffee with Erika Jayne and reveals that her eldest daughter, Sammi, overheard all of threesome talk. Denise is horrified, but Erika thinks Denise is being ridiculous. “I thought I was at Wild Thing’s house,” she snarks, even though she pretends to be remorseful. So because Denise expects her friends to have some sense of decency and decorum she’s an uptight, hypocritical asshole?
How pissed would Erika be if her friends showed up to one of Tom Girardi’s events and started dropping F-Bombs and swapping salacious stories in front of his clients and partners? Furthermore I’m sure Denise feels she has to try even harder to demonstrate a wholesome environment for her kids and their friends to combat the Charlie Sheen factor.
Lipsa bought her daughters a clothing line so they can learn to hustle and cure their anxiety with tube tops that look like they came from an American Apparell overstock sale, then had a new label slapped inside. They’re calling it DNA. The producers are being so shady this season and I love it! While Lipsa is running around bragging about how hard the girls have worked, we overhear the business partner praising Lipsa for being so fast in responding to all the emails and basically doing all the work. HIL-LAR-RIOUS. They do a photoshoot, and of course Lipsa jumps right into an outfit and acts absolutely shocked when they ask her to be in one of the shots. They’re also having a launch party which all the ladies are invited to.
This is such a big deal Lipsa has also flown her 91-year-old mom, Lois, down.
First they have to pay a visit to Erika’s downtown apartment, which she’s turned into a literal shrine to herself. It’s like the the Batcave for self-involved, entitled shallow people, and all the gadgets are wig glue guns, bustiers, and gays chained to the wall chanting “YAAAAS”. There’s probably a whip… but it’s made out of plastic hair and tinsel. Oh and Dorit shows up wearing it on her head.
Just as Kyle and Dorit are fighting about the right to glam, and Kyle is feeling like Dorit chose glam over girlfriends, Dorit wears a floor-length fake pony wrapped in aluminum foil. Is it her lasso of truth? Hahahah… she’d never dare to have one of those nearby because she’d find herself all tied up. Maybe it’s her lasso of lies. Or possibly the whip of bad intentions.
Sutton wears these enormous platform clown shoes, and Kyle wears… 80’s jazzercise hair with shoulder pads. Since Erika is such a good friend she doesn’t even bother having anything Teddi can drink or eat. She literally served cocktails and sushi, and Teddi just accepted it. Teddi!
Garcelle Beauvais is throwing a 12th birthday party for her sons, and doesn’t attend. Garcelle gets along great with her ex-husband. Even though it’s been a struggle, the pay-off is that her kids are happy and well-adjusted, and seem to have no idea why their parents split. That is certainly what Denise strives to do too and her kids also seem remarkably happy and well-adjusted. Garcelle better watch out – these women are going to hate her for being a good mother. How dare she care about her children!? Erika does not approve. When Denise jokes about how the teenagers were more mature than the adults at her party, Erika sneers that she’s tired of Denise’s mother of the year act.
WHAT THE FUCK. Didn’t Erika dump her kid to go be a wannabe stripper? Isn’t she always complaining about how her mother was callous and unloving? So she’s shaming Denise for putting her children first? I cannot stand this hollow shell of a person. Erika is literally a pistachio shell, and also green with envy at anyone who’s successful and independent. She hates Sutton, and resets Denise for not needing some aging horndog to buy her a career that consists of warbling like an alley cat and rubbing her own crotch off-beat to autotune. What was Kyle saying about not being able to stand people who aren’t honest?
Dorit got all dressed up to make a big announcement: she’s now in the restaurant biz. OK, well, not quite. PK is good friends with the owner of the Buca di Beppo chain, who agreed to let Dorit redesign the dining room in his LA franchise. On a strict budget. He actually sneers, “I’m not letting you bankrupt me.” Talk about tragique!
Dorit explains, with a straight-face, that she’s “investing small.” Which roughly translates as ‘I’m broke and have no money or storyline, plus I really really really want to pretend we’re legit financially and that real business people want to work with me, so I’m borrowing a room in a crappy mall Italian franchise.’ Dorit also decides this justifies everyone going to Italy, where she once lived as a yacht girl model. There they can eat Buca’s authentic Italian spaghetti! Dorit’s life is as fake as that “Cash Inside” purse.
Lipsa’s daughters event made no sense and she ran around the entire time screeching that Delilah worked so hard because she DM’d people to order flowers. I’m assuming this meant that Lipsa did everything else?
The true drama happened outside. First Lipsa apologies to Kyle for being mean. Kyle realizes she’s only getting this apology because Lipsa hopes to avoid a scene at her daughter’s party. Lipsa’s daughters collaborated with someone secret and she can’t wait for the reveal. Right away Sutton hisses that she has a bad feeling. I was wondering if she was referring to Brandi, but it turns out Sutton hired Lipsa’s makeup artist, Joey Maloof, to help her design an app, and they had a falling out. Sutton is worried he’ll be there. As they’re walking into the party Sutton whispers to Dorit that she’s worried and might flip out.
It turns out the collaboration was The Fat Jew designing a wine bottle and everyone squeals cause remember Kyle by AleneToo once had him at her store. Which means he must be the kiss of death?
After perusing tube tops and acting like Amelia reinvented the wheel (or even designed a tube top) they all go to dinner. Immediately Dorit tries throwing Sutton under the bus by claiming she threatened to “flip the fuck out” and she was worried that meant throwing glasses thus destroying this very momentous milestone for Rinna’s daughters. Essentially ‘Pull a Lipsa.’ Right away Sutton tells Dorit to shut-up, calls her a liar and a mean girl, then bursts into tears. Lipsa, who last week was praising Sutton to the hilt as a close friends, sneers that she would’ve thrown her right out if she misbehaved. Sutton snaps that she should know her better.
I can’t tell if Sutton is masterfully manipulating these women, or just unprepared for what vicious, vacuous creatures they are? She masterfully shuts Dorit down by instructing her to, “Let the mouse go.” Aka, it’s a non-starter. It’s obvious she’s not the kind of déclassé broad who would ever make a scene at a child’s event. Which clearly Lipsa also knows. Someone who is attending the MET Gala as a fashion insider isn’t going to throw a tantrum at some low-down trunk show full of cheap leggings over Joey Maloof, fake-up artists to the C-list stars.
Then of course it comes right back to Kyle and Dorit’s debate over glam. Denise wants to know what makes them fake-ass bitches, and according to Kyle it’s because Denise pretends to be a ragamuffin but is secretly obsessed with glam, as evidenced by having her makeup done before her party and having a diamond ice sculpture. OH PUH-LEAZE, Kyle! “Why am I fake because of that?” Denise demands to know, and Kyle has no answer.
What Kyle really means is that Aaron is a kook and selling snake oil, Dorit is a fraudster living a lie, Lipsa is hiding something about her marriage, and Erika‘s entire life is based a facade and she’s really hoping no one turns over the rock to see the potato bugs scurrying out, but instead Kyle behaves like a fake-ass bitch herself by complaining about the ice sculpture.
Denise has had it with The Kyle Show, which should’ve been canceled years ago. She is “fucking Denise Richards,” star of stage and screen, who often comes to hang out with these low-brow losers after a day on set. Denise snaps that Kyle needs to stop talking at people and fucking listen then proceeds to lecture her on how obnoxious she is. I am living for Denise pulling a Karen and telling Kyle to recognize her place in life.
Only Real Housewives of Beverly Hills could form an entire season around a fighting over the symbolism of a fucking ice sculpture. I’m with Denise – it was fun.
Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills really need to break the lockstep of Kyle, Dorit, Lipsa and Erika. Time for them to start turning on each other because all the good cast members keep leaving instead. It was necessary for LVP to go, but do we really want to chase away Denise and Sutton? In favor of another season of Dorit lying about every aspect of her life? Real Housewives o Beverly Hills is always like Hunger Games in which the women will aways try to inflict the most damage on the strongest people, because they want to keep the focus off themselves. That needs to stop, and producers need to stop allowing it.
TELL US – REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS VIEWERS- ARE YOU TEAM KYLE RICHARDS OR FUCKING DENISE RICHARDS? WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS SEASON OF REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS SO FAR?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
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