Vanderpump Rules Recap: A Fool And Their Dignity Are Soon Parting

Last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules confirmed what I have been saying it for years (seasons in Reality TV time): Kristen Doute and Jax Taylor are soulmates. I fully anticipate that in a few years time they’ll drunkenly run off to Vegas for a midnight elopement, then have a combative, insane, marriage befitting of a Hunter S. Thompson tale. All’s Fair In Love And Liquor: A True Tale Of Krax. So thank you, Tom 2, for validating that. 

But no thank you, Tom 2, for the reference to your flaccid penis. Katie Maloney, please get off Scheana Marie‘s drama train and onto your man. If the way Tom 2 was making out with that Hooters chicken wing is any indication, that was a man deprived and we know how Katie feels about make-out cheating! 

The Kristen Doute Apology Tour continues on, gathering steam by adding Stassi Schroeder, and growing into a cloud of vicissitude by adding Jax. 

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Yes, Jax, who Jaxed the trip to Hawaii. While Jax was malingering in jail, his friends were scurrying around trying to procure his bail money. Ariana Madix got stuck watching his bag. She was surly about it – and with good reason – Lord only knows what type of other pilfered goods could have been in there! It was a joke Jax made himself. 

Back in LA Jax smears away some fake tears (along with his concealer) and sniffles through a monologue about how embarrassed he was to be caught stealing sunglasses, which he pretended were bought as a gift for his girlfriend, I believe. Oh, that is good. Actually, no, that is beyond pathetic and desperate. Brittany Cartwright nods empathetically and her brain, filled with the fluff that will someday become a Kentucky Fried Chicken biscuit, says, “I know you’re a good man.” 

Across town Stassi appears at Kristen’s door. After deciding to have wine before tequila, since she’s on antibiotics and wine is “more organic-y” (because grapes), Stassi flops down to bemoan the sate of her friendless, loveless, jobless, waistlineless life. In her tried and trusty mumu, with her hair scraped back in a bun, Stassi is looking every bit a Golden Girls cast member. Ironically, she’s about to thank Kristen for being a friend when Kristen offer to her move in because Stassi is unceremoniously single thanks to Patrick tiring of her trifling, unemployed, whining, DIY hair dyed, self. Chardonnay on the lanai? 

Also, Kristen, I know you are not too broke to get a hair brush. Next time you’re about to pick up 15 bottles of $2 buck chuck of Trader Joe’s Pinot Grigio, swap out one bottle for a BRUSH. Whatever’s happening on that head looks like the aftermath of a my Barbie hair salon. I know you’re a trainwreck, but you’re also on TV so get it together. 

Before Stassi moves in Kristen has to rid herself of another unwanted guest, Jax’s friend Kevin, the dense lover who won’t leave. Didn’t Tom 1 once find himself in this very situation with a certain Kritter we know and tolerate for dramatic purposes?

After a week of drunken hooking-up, Kevin says he’s in love… with the Bravo cameras. Kristen whines about Kevin being a “Stage 5 clinger,” but not 5 minutes later is begging and pleading with Stassi to move in. So Stassi got singled by Patrick! So, am I still a mean and awful liar, Stassi, who got everything wrong when I outed you this summer? 

Stassi begrudgingly agrees to move in – temporarily – if only because Kristen will buy all the wine and snacks, plus being homeless in Hollywood isn’t in her 5-year-plan. Stassi frets about the state of her life. Girl, legit concerns. LEGIT. Kristen kisses her Stassi Schroeder Schrine – which includes the condom wrapper from one of the times she spuriously banged Jax – then stored it discreetly under her bed.  

Hold up – wasn’t Stassi shrieking from the rooftops about how she’s like SOOOO mature and too good for the losers of SUR, yet she is reduced to LIVING WITH KRISTEN? Hell, I might prefer living in the Schrine of Skinemax Scheana’s Narcissim. I believe the expression is, “Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Down. Down. down… to droopy boob level. Also, Stassi, I know you’re depressed, but stop wearing schmattas, you’re one kaftan and a hair flip away from turning into Kyle Richards.

But Stassi being Stassi, she’s still blaming Lisa Vanderpump for saving her ass – an ass that was only worth a mere $900, as it turns out – from her skeevy ex-boyfriend’s selling her sex tape. Stassi wasn’t satisfied with how Lisa brokered the blackmail transaction; she would have preferred if Lisa did so in the company of an attorney. Perhaps Stassi should get a job and not bite the hand that feeds her so many fried goat cheese balls? “I don’t owe Lisa anything,” gripes Stassi. No, nothing, except your television career. And how else are you employed again?

Before Stassi moves in, Kristen consults with Scheana and Katie, whom she serves bottles of Trader Jose’s beer, which she opens with her crotch. Is Kristen like an unofficial ambassador of Trader Hoes now? #Cease&DesistTime

Katie and Scheana are not in a forgiving sort of mood when it comes to Stassi. Scheana point-blank declares Stassi has no place in tier group. As the self-elected new HBIC, Scheana will rip off her false eyelashes and throw down if Stassi tries to usurp her territory. That territory being Katie.

Interesting how Scheana and Katie are so adamant about not forgiving Stassi, while simultaneously complaining that Ariana is grudge-holding and negative for not forgiving Kristen. More of Scheana’s delusional hypocrisy is illustrated when she starts complaining that Ariana and Tom 1 were ungrateful about accepting her apology for the texts she sent Ariana’s mom. “I just went ahead and apologized for everything, even though they didn’t deserve it,” whines Scheana. Conveniently Scheana left out 95% of the story, like the content of said texts and that Tom and Ariana TRIED to have a conversation with her about her reasonings and she did not actually apologize AT. ALL. 

Kristen practically levitates with glee to hear how Ariana was sooooo rude and bitchy and could not keep the creepy grin off her face as Scheana announced that KRISTEN is way more fun than Ariana. Ariana believes Scheana is resentful that Ariana is happy in her relationship, and can’t devote her ever waking hour to counseling Scheana through a self-tanning crisis. Meanwhile Scheana is keeping her husband Mike Shay on a chore chart for booze. It’s so hard to be Scheana – the world’s largest false eyelash is fluttering with tears for her. NOT. 

At SUR everyone is reeling from Jax’s arrest. Except for Lisa who is livid. And Lala Kent who is disgusted by how far down the sexy ladder Jax has fallen. I mean, shoplifting, not hot; drug dealing, super hot. It seems like out Jax has a part-time job as a thief. Once he even stole designer lingerie from Stassi’s stepmom while they were visiting. The first gift he ever gave Stassi, a designer wallet, also stolen! However she’s still using it – beggars can’t be choosers – plus, as Stassi explains, “It’s a classic!” Classic Jax. Or classic empty, because Jax also stole Stassi’s credit when he destroyed the apartment they once shared. 

Before facing Lisa’s wrath, Jax and the Toms celebrate Brittany’s new job at Hooters. The laughs I have are un-quantifiable. The Toms, discovering their inner cave men with food all over their faces  as they devoured wings, was simultaneously disgusting and riveting. Tom’s ugly wing eating face is worse than his ugly cry face. Meme this. It’s Man Vs. Food, the metrosexual version. 

While wings are being served in suntan colored sparkle panty hoes, Jax gets a call from the Hawaii 5-0. Things are not looking good for ol’ Jax’d, whom Tom 1 muses cannot stop himself from getting into trouble! 

Trying to distract from his own bad deeds, Jax shares that his soulmate Kristen is hooking up with Kevin – who has a girlfriend. A girlfriend Kristen has known about. all. along. The Toms are not surprised in the least, barely managing to look up from their chickeny-saucey-euphoria. When confronted by Stassi, Kristen played dumb about Kevin’s girlfriend, because she wanted to appear a changed woman in Stassi’s eyes. Oh, Stassi, knows more than anyone that a leopard doesn’t change its spots – and neither does a herpes-having cheater like Jax. 

Tom 1 shares that when he started sleeping with Kristen she had another boyfriend – she only told him the FOURTH time they hooked up. Yet, Kristen continues whining that Tom ‘cheated’ on her by kissing Ariana once in a pool – while they were on a break? Rational certainly isn’t necessarily a virtue at SUR, but hypocrisy definitely is!

Jax leaves the mecca of Hooters to skulk over to Villa Rosa, where Lisa has security watch him like a hawk in case he gets sticky fingers. Dressed in her best Miranda Priestly black, with a razor-sharp blowout, Lisa berates Jax for lying, cheating, and stealing, believing he can just take whatever he wants from anyone: from girlfriends to designer goods. Lisa suspends him from SUR two weeks. The cooks laugh hysterically, relieved they no longer have to lock up the silverware.

Jax pretends to be contrite, but then immediately hits the bars for drinks with Kristen, Brittany, and Kevin. Brittany is covering his tab since she’s working at Hooters. 

Kristen continues to deny knowledge of Kevin’s girlfriend (naturally Jax doesn’t call her out on it) But the morality police do confront Kevin, who admits it. Kristen pretends to be indignant and makes a big show of fake freaking out and throwing Kevin to the curb. Totally unconvincing. Kristen bemoans that she can’t find a decent man, even though she’s “5’9 and beautiful” You and 95% of LA, sweetums, and most of those bitches own a brush. 

Jax is more than Kristen’s soulmate, he’s her spirit animal. 

James Kennedy and Lala do their usual of simulating dry-humping, this time while modeling socks and underwear. Afterwards James tries to convince Lala that his whole droopy dong incident never happened and propositions her, yet again. Lala nonchalantly tells him they can makeout, nothing more. Perhaps if James started dealing drugs and making it rain cheesy cliches, Lala would reconsider. 

Trying to adult right, Ariana and Tom are painting their apartment. Were they sampling colors, all of them in a disparaging shades of brown and grey, or that was the actual finished product? Scheana should text Ariana’s mom about this clear indication of her unhappy mental state, which is all Tom’s fault. 

Scheana and Shay are celebrating their one-year anniversary, which is actually the anniversary of SCHEANA’S MOST IMPORTANT PHOTO SHOOT EVER. And what better way to celebrate Scheana’s anniversary with her addict husband than with the thing that matters most to her: Shay cocktails.  

Scheana believed they had “the strongest marriage ever” until she learned Shay had to be heavily intoxicated to get through a day with her. Now Scheana realizes their marriage needs Scheana to have more control over Shay’s drinking. Drink every time Scheana says “sobriety”! 

So they celebrate making it to one year with lots of drinks. At a fancy restaurant where the only thing they order is drink after drink after drink, interspersed with Scheana lecturing Shay on why he’s not an alcoholic, he just has to find that happy medium between partying too much and being boring. Scheana will explain it all after this next cocktail. Which Shay is allowed to drink because Scheana, a graduate from the Brandi Glanville Institute Of Sober Coaching, is watching him. Scheana equates sobriety with boring; I equate Skinemax Scheana with selfish and shitty. Shay pretends this is all worth it because Scheana is hot. 

Wearing what is essentially a green pool cover-up, Stassi sneaks into SUR to talk to Lisa, to talk. Lisa does not look pleasantly surprised. To buy Lisa’s forgiveness, Stassi yanks out a fist-full of cash – repayment for the sex tape buy-off – but Lisa doesn’t want Stassi’s money or her half-assed apologies. Instead Lisa reminds Stassi of calling her old, how she insulted Lisa’s restaurants and life. “I’m sure you’re sorry because it suits you now to be sorry,” sneers Lisa. 

Stassi starts whining and crying, “You hate me Lisa!” she shrieks. Lisa’s droll reply, “You’re not important enough to hate.” A shocked Stassi calls Lisa mean, but, that little girl, is how grown-ups operate. Lisa’s not old, she’s wise and savvy, and she’ll wipe the floor with that Clairol Nice N Easy dye job Stassi is rocking. 

Lisa recounts to a tearful Stassi all the ways Stassi has ruined her own life, and all the ways she should beg for Katie’s forgiveness, even though it will likely be hopeless.

TELL US – WAS STASSI’S APOLOGY TO LISA SINCERE? WILL JAX FINALLY GET HIS LIFE TOGETHER? DID KRISTEN KNOW KEVIN HAD A GIRLFRIEND?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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