Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: $4,000 Baggage

Erika Girardi-Jayne showed some colors that weren’t pink and sparkly, but rather murky and c-nty on last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. If there are two definitions of the word “c-u-next-Tuesday-y,” Erika gave us both in the form of new personality called Erika Payne. I expected a little more honesty from Erika. We’re talking about a woman who prances around with her hoohah out lecturing about confidence and self-acceptance, yet she effortlessly lied to a group of women, not caring that one of them could lose friends over it. Interesting indeed, Ms. Hoohah of the Beverly Hills. Are the Lymes of Yolanda Foster worth all that? 

I really like Erika in general, outside of her relationship with Yolanda in which she is being used (willingly? accidentally?) as a patsy for whatever game it is Yolanda is playing. The reunion should be very interesting! 

On the bright side Eileen Davidson melts my heart for being so down-to-earth, silly, and admitting that she doesn’t give a flying $4,000 designer f–k about materialism. Eileen truly has confidence and doesn’t need all the trappings of attention-seeking “c-nty” necklaces to get a reaction out of “old women,” or the inflated status that swinging around a designer bag gives you. She’s as anti-Hollywood Friend as you can get, without needing some sort of validating T-Shirt proclaiming, “Proud To Not Be A Hollywood Friend #DreamTeam” – you know, the BS Yolanda is always shoving in everyone’s face to make them question themselves. Eileen is my Spirit Housewife. 

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It is with much disappointment that I am once again forced to focus on Yolanda and her higher vibrational Lyme-living, in which she insists she’s frozen every last ounce of pettiness from her body. Yolanda invites Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle Richards to try “Cryotherapy.” Cryotherapy (for the bored trophy wife who cries Lymes), is one the “fun things” Yolanda she does to treat chronic-manipulo-Lyme-neruolyingas-attentionionous-seekingitis. (For which the best treatment is several gulps of Supercalifragilisticexpialigetoveritocious). 

Lisa is along for moral support but is dubious about stripping off her designer garb to hop into what literally looks like something from a Jetson’s porno. Yolanda responds by squeezing LVP’s ass and calling it an “inflammation,” which cryotherapy is supposed to treat.

Yolanda just wants everyone’s outsides to match her insides: stone-cold bitch. She cackles hysterically watching Lisa and Kyle freeze their asses off.  Afterwards the ladies grab lunch. Yolanda orders the grilled salmon, but make no bones about it: what’s being grilled and served is LVP.

Immediately Yolanda launches into a scathing lecture accusing Lisa of telling the women that Bella and Anwar don’t have Lyme. Yolanda even whips out their medical records to “prove” she isn’t lying and tries to force them onto Lisa. 

A few things I appreciated about this 1) Despite Yolanda straight-up threatening Lisa that she will “ruin her relationship” with Bella and Anwar if she’s lying about what she said – and Yolanda ironically stating the truth will come out –  Lisa doesn’t flinch or back down. She has right on her side. 2) Lisa wasn’t lying to Yolanda. She said she didn’t know the children had Lyme based on what she was told. She never accused Mohamed of lying – she just maintained that she didn’t know. “I’m not a doctor,” reminds LVP. 

Lisa – awesomely – refused to open the medical records, which Yolanda desperately wanted her to so she could be sanctimonious in her victory that she isn’t lying about her children’s Lymes. Nor did Lisa promise to apologize to Bella and Anwar for “discrediting their three year journey.” 

Isn’t Yolanda too ill to get out of bed 60% of the time, plus she has 60% diminished brain capacity which renders her unable to think or read or write? Why is Yolanda wasting her limited capacity to shit-stir? Or wasting precious moments of health to accuse LVP of lying when she herself is lying by blaming the whole thing on Lisa Rinna supposedly telling Yolanda that LVP was talking about her children? Why does Yolanda even care what so-called “Hollywood Friends” are saying about her “health journey”? Furthermore, why is everyone on a health journey – like this is Oregon Trail and someone is gonna get Dysentery crossing the fjord with injured oxen. 

Yolanda was certainly cognizant enough to avoid implicating her friend Erika, while making it look as if Lipsa was responsible. Yolanda expected Lisa and Kyle to unequivocally believe her based upon Lipsa being the person who initially used the word “Munchausen”! Yo even lectured Kyle and Lisa for not standing up for her. 

Is Yolanda on higher vibrations or hypocritical ones? It’s a convenient excuse that she can just cry “Lyme Brain” when she’s called out! 

Almost as appalling Yolanda’s manipulation, was Kyle never EVER mentioning to Yolanda how she was the one who questioned Lisa about the kids’ Lyme Disease, which is why Lisa was talking about it. Or rather trying not to talk about it!  Yolanda actually states that Lipsa told her it was LVP who started the conversation. And Kyle just sat there, like a kaftan on a hanger. 

Lisa and Kyle are shocked that Lipsa would lie. Unbeknownst to them it was Erika throwing them under her luxury tour bus!

Eileen and Kathryn Edwards meet for lunch where they have a hysterical and authentic conversation about boys, bags, and bagging each other’s husbands. Kathryn teases Eileen for buying cheap bags and Eileen laughs hysterically. She won’t let Kathryn see her “bad bag” leaving the restaurant. 

Kathryn and Eileen also joke about discovering they were both dating Kathryn’s ex-husband Marcus Allen at the same time – even though Eileen thought she was dating him long before Kathryn was in the picture. It was no hard feelings. Later when Donnie calls, Eileen and Kathryn tease about how Eileen will be dating him next. 

The ladies are traveling to San Diego for an Erika Jayne performance. Except for Yolanda, who has to stay home sick-selfie.  

Eileen arrives for the limo with a ‘bad bag’ and rocking a denim jumpsuit. Practicalities aside (like quite a brave wardrobe choice when one might need to pee in a public restroom), Eileen looked fantastic. 

On the bus the ladies discuss what to expect at Erika’s concert – according to Lipsa’s googling it’s also “Pervert Night” at the club. Everyone teases Eileen about her bags, until the conversation cycles back around to LVP enquiring about what exactly Lipsa told Yolanda. 

I love seeing the ladies have REAL ups and downs that demonstrate real friendships, like laughing, goofing around, teasing each other, and getting over things without holding grudges. Sure, Eileen was frustrated with LVP over the non-apology and affair-conversation, but they moved on and, now, clearly have fun together. Also Lipsa teasing Eileen about her ugly shoes, or Eileen calling Kyle a “materialistic bitch” for owning a $4000 Chanel bag was ‘real friends’. I also adore the relationship between Eileen and Lipsa. 

It turns out Lipsa’s Munchausen Summit at Condo-de-divorce included Daisy and Yolanda spreading out binders and binders of health journey documents, while Lipsa shot desperate eyes at the door. Lipsa did not mention anything to about LVP discussing the children’s Lyme Disease, because Yolanda already knew about the conversation at Kyle’s BBQ and actually asked Lipsa about it. And Lipsa kept her lips sealed.

Obviously Lipsa is upset that LVP and Kyle think she is lying and is determined to not only prove her innocence but get to the bottom of who is dragging her name though the mud. Lisa’s lips often sink ships, but the ships they sink: she owns’ em baby! 

With shocking clarity the ladies all realize it must be Erika who told Yolanda. LVP demands they let it go; she doesn’t want to talk about Yolanda or Yolanda’s Lymes again. LVP wants to freeze Yo right out of the picture! 

However in San Diego, after checking into the hotel, while Erika is spraying her vag with glitter, Lipsa and Eileen convene to discuss how to approach Erika about what she told Yolanda. 

At the concert the ladies are greeted by a plethora of gay men in chaps and harnesses, bare asses to the world, begging to be smacked. LVP and Kyle were all too happy to oblige. Lipsa, however, isn’t ready for this jam – the only bare ass she wants on TV is her own while it’s being waxed. Erika claims if her husband Tom were at the show, he’d be “dancing and clapping” to her show. I need to see this. 

The ladies had a great time at Erika’s performance – Kyle even whipped out her trusty helicopter ponytail (always and forever a no unless you are a My Little Pony). 

After the show Erika invites the ladies back to her suite for cocktails with dry ice and some serious iciness. Eileen and Lipsa are determined to get to the bottom of who told Yolanda what LVP apparently said about Bella and Anwar’s Lymes. They already know it’s Erika, but when when they confront her, she straight up lies denies it was her! 

At first Erika says nothing, but Eileen pushes, “WHO TOLD YOLANDA?!” she bellows. This was the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills version of Clue. Who said it? Using what socially acceptable passive-aggressive warfare as a weapon? What were they wearing when the message was delivered? 

Finally Erika, her hair looked frazzled as 6 kinds of extensions thrown into a bag with cats (or catty bitches), starts yelling at Lipsa for making the situation about herself. Lipsa immediately pin-points Erika’s over-reaction as a sign that she’s lying.  But why is the true mystery. 

According to Erika everyone should support Yolanda as is. And I get it – I do. I understand that. Clearly Yolanda is going through something, and maybe Erika knows more than she’s letting on; maybe she’s a closer friend and possess a more comprehensive picture of Yolanda’s health journey; maybe she recognizes there is much more beneath the surface and Lyme is a scapegoat, but Erika is choosing to be a supportive friend no matter what? I get all of that. But Yo has crossed the Lyme-line: She’s dragged her children into it, her ex-husband, her current husband, she’s ruining friendships between people outside of the Housewives, she’s lying about the other women and using her illness to manipulate. Anytime Yolanda doesn’t want to do something or deal with something she cries Lyme. And at some point people are gonna clean the mud-raking off their rose-colored glasses using some lemon-lyme windex, and get a clearer picture of what’s going on. 

After Erika’s lie on a lie, the ladies erupt. Lipsa because she’s desperate to clear her name, feeling that she came clean to Yolanda about the Munchausen and owned her part, but is now being implicated in something she’s innocent of. Erika because she’s been caught – pinky-pussy handed. And Eileen because she’s defending Lipsa. LVP just sits there, smirking, very, VERY aware of what just happened and how someone is trying to play her for a fool. 

Finally Kathryn speaks up to demand the conversation stop. So, the ladies truck back to their luxury hotel rooms with a heavy heart. In the hallway LVP gets revenge on Kyle by shoving her into a room service cart filled with ketchup and mustard. As the plates crash to the floor and break, LVP and Kyle flee, leaving Lipsa standing there staring at the mess and realizing she’ll be pegged the culprit. “F-ckers” she mumbles, opening the door. 

TELL US – WHY DO YOU THINK ERIKA LIED? DOES LISA VANDERPUMP OWE BELLA AND ANWAR AN APOLOGY?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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