Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: Let Them Eat Crumbs

On last night’s Real Housewives Of New Jersey, desperation and delusion was in the air…I am pretty sure that scent is sprayed over Montville with a crop duster.

Siggy Flicker doesn’t seem to understand that her children are not squishy stuffed animals she can squeeze, squeal at, dress up, and toss around. On the other hand, Siggy’s children don’t understand that she is their mother and they should show her some respect! I dunno maybe it has something to do with Siggy decorating her daughter’s room in No.1 Sophie paraphernalia? Or acting like One Direction has showed up every time she sees Josh? 

When Josh returns home from passing his driver’s test, the very first words out of mouth are “When are you gonna buy me a car?” Someone is driving straight into his future on the Teresa Giudice entitlement train! 

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Dolores Catania is the opposite of Siggy – she’s too relaxed! Dolores doesn’t know where her son Frankie is half the time, and she also doesn’t know where the other half of her kitchen is. Which is funny because her business partner doesn’t know where SHE is 80% of the time, even though she’s supposed to be, you know, working!

When Dolores finally appears at the gym she co-owns following a two week absence (which she blames on putting her dog to sleep), Dolores admits to being co-dependent on Frank, because some part of her doesn’t want to break the pattern of her upbringing to be an independent woman. Dolores’ business partner is not a shrink and isn’t here for her whining about ‘holding herself back.’ He demands she get more present in the gym or the money shortages are coming out of Frank’s her pocket. Hitting Dolores in Frank’s her pocketbook (aka NO MORE MONEY FOR SHOPPING AND SHOES) seems to work: she suggests they start hosting single women nights over the weekend to bring in more members.

I don’t understand – wasn’t Dolores engaged to someone else and she’s been divorced for like 15 years – yet all this time Frank has still been taking care of her and paying all her bills? What is going on here?! 

On the other side of the equation, is Melissa Gorga, who is experiencing a personal revolution in the form of a feminist awakening. I dunno – I’m not into the ridiculous nonsense of Melissa, former author of Secrets Of A Hot & Happy Italian Marriage, teaching Women’s Lib from the walls of the massive New Jersey mansion Poison “put” her in. 

While Poison is making lunch (?) for his kids by flinging food at them, Melissa arrives home after a long day at Envy – which Poison also ‘put’ her in. He immediately demands she go into “the movie theater” for a reminder of her wifely duties. Poison lectures Melissa for abandoning her family and trying to turn him into a woman because he’s now forced to pick up HIS kids from the bus stop so she can earn “crumbs.” Crumbs which he doesn’t want because, he’s earning The Cake!

Poison doesn’t want Melissa’s crumbs, but he does want to her to have a home cooked dinner on the table, so she better get her ass in the kitchen! Something about this argument just seems so staged. Maybe it’s the bad acting? I totally believe there’s a part of Poison who wants a traditional Italian wife, but their arguing about this appears really fake. And Melissa’s acting is as natural as her singing. 

Melissa is so distraught by Poison’s attitude she invites relationship expert Siggy over. Siggy has to let herself in through the backdoor because Melissa was so busy cleaning on the other side of her massive house, she didn’t hear Siggy ringing the bell! Siggy also found an envelope in the snow outside their front door. Siggy is a master at nosiness! Melissa complains that her spotless house is messy, blaming her kids and dog. I blame the neanderthal she married who is probably tracking mud and animal matter into the house after his long day hunting game for their food. Me Joe Kill Beaver. 

Teresa brings her daughters to Jacqueline Laurita‘s for a playdate with Nicholas. Actually this was really cute. Teresa explains that Milania is exactly like Joe – a hard nut on the outside, but soft and gooey in the middle. Sort of like a Cadbury Creme Egg! Milania is adorably patient and sweet with Nick, just like Teresa is adorably patient and sweet with the unhinged Jac. 

It’s refreshing to see the ‘person’ side of Teresa who I’ve long mistook for an experiment from Dr. Xavier’s mutant laboratory, but I suppose with Juicy having one foot inside the prison cell and subsisting on a diet of vino, it’s only natural that some of Teresa’s carelessly unhinged facade start to reassemble fragments of a normal human being with emotions. Their attorney stops by to check in as Joe‘s ‘away’ date looms nearer. The attorney encourages Joe to use his sentence to focus on ‘me time’ – since prison is a spa vacation for overwhelmed law students hosted by their university, and all. 

Speaking of, Teresa and Joe do a couples yoga-massage thing which was distractingly icky. A relaxed Teresa definitely lets her delusion flag fly. She’s worried about what to tell the girls about Joe’s absence. She told them she was at a book retreat  – like literally ‘away’ working on her book – and believes they never knew she was in prison! Teresa is shocked when Joe tells her the kids aren’t stupid, plus they have access to the internet, PLUS they VISITED HER IN PRISON. So they knew full-well she wasn’t just writing a book. “But, I did write a book,” protests Teresa. When Joe Giudice is telling you that lying is a bad idea, it’s time to reevaluate your life choices. Ironically, Teresa was in prison under the auspice of doing just that. Namaste In Denial, yous! 

I completely understand Teresa wanting to protect her daughters, but lying is NOT the way to do that! I’m no parenting relationship expert like Siggy, but even I know that when the truth is obviously staring your kids in the face, trying to whitewash it with a fib is gonna come back to slap you in the ass! 

Just like pretending to appease your overbearing misogynistic husband by pretending you love cooking his meatballs and caressing them with sauce just to get him off your back – it’s only gonna make him notice more that there’s less ‘dinner on the table at 6’ happening. No matter how many polygamous commune blouses Melissa puts on, no matter how many times she squeals that she loves her role as wife and mom and caressing Joe’s juicy peperoncini, we all know that Melissa’s secrets of a “hot and happy Italian marriage” burned because she tried to mislead Poison with quick re-heating leftovers.

Since she went to work for ten minutes, Dolores decides to reward herself with dinner and wine at Kathy Wakile‘s house. Kathy’s kitchen looks identical to Melissa’s right down to the molding, by the way. Kathy and Rosie complain that Teresa is not treating every day like a gift, because she doesn’t want a relationship with them. Is it because oh, I dunno, over and over again they claim that they “just want their family back,” but then get on TV to trash Teresa?

Kathy yells Rosie-style about Teresa turning her back, then Rosie practices Kathy’s phony Strega Nona diplomacy by deciding they should attend Teresa’s upcoming book signing and wave the white flag of peace (a Barnes & Noble receipt?), becuase they must mend their family. Dolores laughs wryly that there’s no ending to an Italian feud until somebody dies, and even then…

Whatever Wallpaper. 

Siggy takes Josh to an uber-expensive restaurant for his birthday dinner. They are joined by her ex-husband, Mark, his new wife, and their toddler. Siggy, who is basically Caroline Manzo 2.0, gushes that family is the most important thing, and that’s why she set up her ex with his new wife. 

Over dinner, Siggy starts crying because Joshua, age 17, doesn’t want her touching his butt and petting him like he’s the cat to her lonely life. Siggy just wants her children to realize how much she loves them. So she buys their love with super expensive new cars! Well at least Josh was grateful for that. I’m guessing he’ll never let Siggy ride in it, though! 

In a limo to the book signing, Joe caresses Teresa’s leg and tells her she looks hot. That was nice for a change! Jacqueline, who’s working extra hard to act normal, goes to the signing with Chris and Dolores. Dolores warns her that Kathy and Rosie are planning to show up to broker peace on neutral territory. Chris is relieved the police are there – just in case.

If Kathy and Rosie really want to mend their relationship with Teresa, barging into her book signing, in front of RHONJ cameras, doesn’t’ seem like the most sincere approach. Even if they slump over, book between their legs, pretending to be fans, and beseeching Teresa to give them a chance. Also, it’s embarrassingly desperate!

Teresa is right – sending one text congratulating her on her book isn’t ‘being there.’ They never reached out while she was in prison! 

While Teresa is turning on the charm to fans, sniffling that she’s so grateful they didn’t abandon their love for her because she made one little itsy-bitsy teensy-weeny mistake, Kathy and Rosie arrive. Jacqueline and Dolores hide in the corner, watching through their hands while pretending to take selfies, as Rosie begs Teresa to just have lunch with them “for an hour” so they can talk. 

“My time is really precious right now,” Teresa replies, icing them so hard and so cold I think the TV got frostbite. Teresa pretends she thought she responded to Kathy’s text, but she isn’t sure… she’s just like really busy, you know, having a life that doesn’t involve desperately stalking the cousin you couldn’t stand last season!

I’m glad Teresa isn’t falling for this fake BS!

Instead, Teresa is focusing on rebuilding her relationship with Melissa and Joe. While Teresa is sucking up to Melissa to piss Kathy off, Rosie corners Juicy to apologize for calling him an a-hole and begging him to love her again. Joe responds by storming out. Teresa soon follows.

Kathy and Rosie (and Jacqueline) need to chill on the hardcore desperado act. Teresa’s coattails only extend so far… 

TELL US – SHOULD TERESA GIVE KATHY AND ROSIE ANOTHER CHANCE? IS JOE BEING AN UNSUPPORTIVE A-HOLE TO MELISSA? OR IS MELISSA FEEDING HER FAMILY ‘CRUMBS’?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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