Below Deck Recap: Scorpion Stings

Do male scorpions sting? Or is it females? Or both? On Below Deck everyone is feeling stung, which is maybe why they’re also lashing out.

Rhylee Gerber was doing fairly well after her pep talk from Captain Lee Rosbach saved her from getting fired, but a few crispy scorpions (and dickish deckhands) proved to be her undoing. Poor Rhylee – this is the worst case of gaslighting ever!

But first — sexyThaitimes! Alexis Bellino is still dry-humping her way to heaven. The former Real Housewives Of Orange County star is on board to celebrate her divorce from Jim by begging her new boyfriend to propose. Remember when Jesus Barbie aspired to be nothing more than the perfect Christian wife, toting a blinged-out bible to prayer practice (which obviously took place while simultaneously spinning)? Well Alexis abandoned that in a Coto Mansion. New Alexis is more Eve who ate the apple right off Drew Bohn‘s tree. Sadly we had to witness the whole thing.

Out of the blue Kevin Dobson is having severe back pain. Was he also been getting his dry-hump on? I prefer to think of this as ‘karma…. Captain Lee may have owned many restaurants over the years, but even he’s not capable of making 8-egg omelets while simultaneously snidely putting down the all-female stewardess crew. As Kevin is laying prone and doubled-over in the crew mess and Alexis is molesting Drew in the hot tub, Kate Chastain gets to work planning Alexis’s “Independence Day” party by stringing up a ton of American Flag banners.

RELATED – Alexis Bellino Responds To Shade About Her Makeout Sessions On Below Deck

Kevin manages to stand erect in time to cobble together some venison for dinner and insult Kate for not reading his mind in how he expects to serve soup. Luckily, since the guests are eating in the main salon right next to the kitchen, all scenes and tantrums will be put on simmer and reserved for the next day. And rest assured: trouble is brewing, bruh!

Simone Mashile has been trying to avoid Tanner Sterback because otherwise, she might die from embarrassment recalling their brief period of hooking up (or at least I hope Simone has that degree of common sense). Meanwhile, Tanner has been actively trying to get into Kate’s microfiber, sweat-wicking skirt.

Simone is oblivious to this scheme until good old Ashton Pienaar, who loves to pass judgment on everyone else while pretending his shit don’t stink, informs her that Tanner is after Kate. Simone confides in Rhylee that she now realizes Tanner used her because she was easy. I’m pleased to see that although Simone is annoyed at Kate for breaking girl code, she’s mostly placing the blame on Tanner for treating her with complete disrespect. Simone insists she never thought their yacht-mance would go farther than the boat, but she at least envisioned getting some nookie for the duration of the season.

Meanwhile, Brian de Saint Pern and Courtney Skippon are trying to define their relationship. Or lack thereof. After a tense text-conversation befitting of all the finest middle school romances, Courtney and Brian have been avoiding each other. He’s been seeking guidance from Ashton about how to handle things (FAIL) while insisting Courtney not spread their business around the boat. Double-standards definitely helps to get a lady’s panties in a flutter!

After an intense discussion of our own, my husband and I have decided that Brian is self-sabotaging knowing that Courtney wouldn’t give him the time it takes to pop a cork outside of this boat. If Brian postures that he wants to keep things casual and calls it off first, then he can avoid looking like a wounded bird. Ironically, being an animal-lover, Courtney would probably like him better that way.

RELATED – Below Deck Recap: Man Down

Courtney and Brian, tired of ignoring each other in such close quarters, ultimately decide to just be smoochie until the charter season ends … A whopping 4 days from now. I think it’s an attainable goal, but then midnight escapades at the Thai markets occurred.

Following a successful charter, with a decent tip, and a squealing Alexis off the boat, Captain Lee is impressed that the deckhands managed to put their coup behind them and work well together. Finally! The incoming charter will be there the following day at 11:30 am, so the quick turnaround means no late nights out.

Also, the incoming guest is an ESPN host celebrating her pre-bachelorette party with a group of girl friends. Their requests include a cock cake, and given that Kevin is such a blathering and incandescent dick he should be able to pull this off with aplomb. The nasty part of me hopes his cake gets a case of Low T and suffers from erectile dysfunction.

Things quickly take a turn for the worse when they’re turning around the boat. Rhylee notices that Brian and Tanner are having a smoke, so she complains to Ashton that she should take up smoking to get more breaks.

Rhylee insists she was joking, but she wasn’t (also probably too soon for jokes). There was a caustic edge to her comment and Ashton knew it. He handled it badly by talking down to her and suggesting, in a patronizing tone, that Rhylee take a little rest to calm down. As if women get the vapors and need to be fanned in a cool, dark room until they come to their senses. Rhylee requests to work alone and away from the rest of the crew and I agree – this is a good solution.

RELATED – Below Deck Star Captain Lee Rosbach Says Ashton Pienaar Ostracized & Alienated Rhylee Gerber To Prove A Point

Then comes lunch! Everyone is sitting in the table and Rhylee asks if they can scoot over to accommodate her. Now, it truly did not look like another person could fit, but everyone basically sat there and ignores her. Courtney gave a half-hearted butt-shuffle towards Brian who she probably didn’t want to get any closer to, but otherwise, no one moved anything except their mouths. Food comas?

Finally, Tanner huffs that he can sit at the bar, but it’s too late – Rhylee retreats to her room to sit on the floor. Ashton gripes that he knows this will come back to haunt them all later, and it is exactly that sort of attitude that does cause an explosion.

As everyone rides to dinner, the guys joke about how Tanner is gonna get some with Kate. Even though she’s a bitch, even still Tanner is desperate enough that he’ll even put up with it. How charming! Honestly, it’s like watching a less-PG version of T Birds from the movie Grease. Ugh. In the girls van, Rhylee is venting about how badly Ashton treats her.

At the market, everyone seems to be having fun, until scorpion-gate. Rhylee, Simone, and Kate manage to find scorps on sticks, and eat them – bravely. Then Rhylee happens upon Kevin buying crickets and other scorpions from another stall. Rhylee wants Kevin to hurry up, and also save some of the scorpions for her, but he takes them all and it quickly escalates into a shouting match of Kevin feeling annoyed that Rhylee was interfering (and calling her a bitch!) and Rhylee feeling like Kevin took the last scorpion to spite her.

Seriously fighting over a dead, fried insect? My kids would probably fight over this. But they’ll fight over an empty toilet paper roll.

Kevin’s tone was dismissive, but I have no idea why Rhylee couldn’t just move along to a different stall? Of course, Kevin goes to his ‘bruhs’ (which auto-correct keeps turning into “bras”) to vent about how Rhylee is a bitch and of course, she comes over, screams at Ashton for smirking and calls him a misogynist. It turns into a huge blowup in the middle of a Thai street with Rhylee looking like the fool as all the guys stare at her with bemused expressions on their faces. They definitely wanted this to happen to reinforce their version of Rhylee as the unhinged overly-emotional woman.

Courtney tries to encourage everyone to calm down and Brian has the nerve to tell her to not get involved especially since she’s on “the wrong side.” Brian expects Courtney to be quietly supportive of him while he’s being victimized by the harridan Rhylee. Even though Brian involves himself by trying to calm the situation down! Courtney rightly calls him out on this, but like champagne left open for 2 days, it all falls flat. That’s because Brian has the brain capacity of a fried scorpion.

RELATED – Below Deck Star Brian de Saint Pern May Be Dating A Charter Guest From The Current Season

Thankfully there is the ever unflappable Kate who ushers a screaming Rhylee into the van and is completely nonplussed over being screamed at herself. Rhylee is in such a hole of rage she even starts directing it at Kate, who is fed up with all the drama. Also, Courtney is crying over Brian being an ass. And if you really want to see Brian being an ass, we all watch as he pulls out solidarity friendship bracelets that he passes around to all the guys. Seriously! I didn’t know cock rings came in such large sizes?

Back on Valor Rhylee and Courtney go off to bed and Kate finds herself in the mouth of the volcano. I love how all the guys are treating this like they just survived something harrowing and need a drink to really process dealing with hysterical females. So there they all are, sitting around like Tony Soprano’s crew, having some scotch and joking about how unlikely it is that Tanner will get laid by Kate when Kate walks by. It’s like she had a sixth sense. Then they have the nerve to ask if she can get them some lemons.

RELATED – Below Deck Star Tanner Sterback Says Kate Chastain Is Manipulative & Pushes Buttons On Purpose

Kate loses it and storms into the galley, slamming doors along the way. Kevin chooses that moment to taunt her by trying to walk through to retrieve his bag of dead bugs which someone has helpfully left on his bed. Sadly not as a joke. Kate refuses to let Kevin into her interior. It’s her territory, and Kevin is not about to control it. Kate is upset because she’s convinced they were all talking about her as she came through, and she’s not wrong, but the guys obviously won’t admit it. Bound as they are by bruh code (and bruh – bracelets!)

In what can only be described as a scorpion stand-off, Kate bars the door to the interior and demands Kevin walk all the way around – exercise is good for his back! Kevin finally relents. All the slamming doors and screaming has Captain Lee‘s attention, though, and he comes out to tell them to knock it off. He is not impressed. There is a chicken dripping in piss (hopefully on Kevin’s bed with the bugs) to prove it.

Sniveling, sniping Ashton grovels that they will all behave and tries to implicate Kate by pointing at her, but Captain Lee is not falling for that. Pissed on chickens still have their heads after all!

Next week a demanding charter plus a truly unraveled crew has Captain Lee threatening to make people walk the plank!

TELL US – IS RHYLEE BEING GAS-LIGHTED OR IS SHE OVER-REACTING? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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