Real Housewives Of Atlanta Season Premiere Recap: Don’t Play With Barbie

This season of Real Housewives Of Atlanta features a group of women who are softer, stripped down, and far less pretentious. Maybe it’s all the babies? Because right out of the jump we are tackling real issues, although something about the way it’s being presented seems mighty producer-driven…

Mostly I’m talking about Cynthia Bailey bobbing for rings and the insincere appearance of Sincerely Ward. But first the positive!

Kenya Moore has undergone a metamorphasis. And I love it! Since having daughter Brooklyn, now 7 months, Kenya’s entire personality has been given the FaceTune ‘more smooth’ treatment. She is infused with motherly love and patience. So patient that Kenya is willing to live halfway across the country from husband Marc Daly as he builds his business empire in NYC.

Now we all know the rumors: Kenya’s marriage was a fake and she was paying Marc to play baby daddy and husband in the hopes of launching a spinoff. We also know the rumors that Marc didn’t want Kenya to return to Real Housewives Of Atlanta, but she did because they desperately need the money. Ergo Kenya, who has been living in NYC for over a year, took Brooklyn and moved back to Atlanta to film. Or who knows – maybe Kenya just really missed the view of Chateau Sheree? Anyway they are back, and Marc is not. The distance, as well as the single motherhood is hard. Kenya does have 2 nannies though!

To introduce Brooklyn to the Atlanta social scene Kenya decides to throw a party befitting of a Dwight/Phaedra collaboration. Since Kenya considers Brooklyn an absolute doll (she is the CUTEST baby!) the theme is Barbie, and everyone must dress as their favorite Barbie plus bring a kid if they can scrounge one up.

The one person not invited is NeNe Leakes! Obviously NeNe and Kenya are not speaking, and Kenya has no desire to wake that monster. In fact as Kenya reminds Cynthia of how NeNe had the audacity to invite Kenya’s [fake] ex, Walter, to her wedding yet never warned Kenya he was coming, then declared she was too busy being fabulous to do a friend a solid. Therefore Cynthia should certainly feel no remorse over inviting Kenya to her own party without getting NeNe’s permission first. Presently Cynthia and NeNe aren’t speaking either so Kenya can dominate Cynthia all she wants. For now…

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Atlanta Star Cynthia Bailey Gives An Update Her On Relationship With NeNe Leakes

Meanwhile across town Porsha Williams is also single after kicking Dennis McKinley out amid a flood of cheating allegations. It’s not what’s being reported on the vlogs – that Dennis has been having a years-long secret relationship with some woman named Sincerely (and is into beastiality?!?!?!?!) – that’s true, but instead Porsha found evidence that he’s been unfaithful in his phone. Now they are separated and Porsha’s mother, Diane, is tiptoeing around carrying trays of ham-hocks and offering to hold Pilar, 2 months, while Porsha cries and refuses to eat. If Porsha isn’t hungry THAT is a sure sign something’s wrong, but at least a great way to shed that baby weight!

Porsha doesn’t want her mom or sister Lauren, who love Dennis, to know the truth about what happened, however they’re well aware that something is seriously amiss. After all Porsha is depressed and despondent while Dennis is sending 5 dozen roses a day. The place is literally “like a funeral” according to Diane. Porsha just isn’t sure if she should give Dennis a chance to make things right so they can have a family for their daughter, or if she should cut her losses and work together to amicably co-parent. But for right now Porsha’s not leaving the house and she’s definitely NOT addressing the rumors.

Thankfully all ‘streets’ lead to the OLG Restaurant where Mama Joyce most certainly knows what’s being said. Things are going well for Kandi Burruss: she’s finally opened the second restaurant, her burlesque show has wrapped, and their surrogate is pregnant! Initially it was supposed to be twins, but one egg didn’t make it so now she and Todd are happily welcome a daughter. Kandi feels strange to be missing out on pregnancy and nursing, and doesn’t seem connected to the baby process given that she’s physically not and is FaceTiming the egg toter (to quote Angela from 90 Days) for updates on whether or not her baby moves in another woman’s toter.

And on the other side of the spectrum Eva Marcille is 6 months pregnant with baby number 3 and feeling all the feels, especially HUNGRY (and thirsty!!). Eva and Mike Sterling are moving yet again, but this time she swears it will be to a forever home. I guess they’re no longer on the lam from the eviction man, like Marlo Hampton claimed, but she alas, has her own financial boo-boos to worry about! While Porsha is still on maternity leave Eva is filling in for her at DISH Nation, but Mike doesn’t want Eva working even at that and instead wants her devote all her efforts to house-hunting. A good life if you can get it. When Eva isn’t playing HGTV she’s eating. Literally everything.

RELATED: Eva Marcille’s Ex Kevin McCall Files For Custody Of Daughter; He Faces 1 Year In Jail For Domestic Violence Charges

Eva meets Kandi and Cynthia at OLG where she orders the entire menu and is just about to tuck into sweet potato grit fried tomato chitlins when Sincerely sends over some sweet tea to quench all their thirsts. This was just so staged and phony. The acting wasn’t even remotely SINCERE from our Housewives, who really will not be winning any Emmy awards anytime soon! Sincerely just wanted to set the record straight and exonerate herself that she has never, ever not a day in her life, met Dennis, and is certainly not having sexual relations with that man. Everyone breathes and awkward sigh of relief and vows to tell Porsha … in a day or two.

Now you know Sincerely was invited their by Don Juan, mic’d and signed a release, and Kandi knew damn well was going to go down so she could get on Porsha’s good side as not perpetuating rumors. Of course right after Sincerely walked away Kandi, Eva, and Cynthia tucked right into dissecting which of the rumors they think are true. No one thinks Dennis is into any other doggy style than with a lady, but they do think he cheated. At least they were right about that one!

RELATED – Porsha Williams Dishes On Kenya Moore’s Return To Real Housewives Of Atlanta

Then there is Cynthia, who is absolutely desperate to marry Mike Hill and make ‘CHill’ official. Unfortunately all her nagging about putting a ring on it has made Mike CHillier than that abandoned wine cellar Cynthia opened next door to a cookie restaurant which was practically begging Kenya’s baby Barbie bash for publicity.

On the day of Kenya’s party she covered everything in Atlanta in pink, including herself and Brooklyn, but only about 15 people showed up – 10 of them connected to Real Housewives Of Atlanta. Shamea Morton made an appearance with her baby. Cynthia arrived as Thirsty Bride Barbie in a David’s Bridal wedding dress, drunk from a flask, with her own faux flower girl in tow. Cynthia is basically turning into Mrs. Havisham, bad wig and all, and Mike either needs to run permanently to LA and hide in some sort of witness protection for victims of women addicted to Hallmark Movies,  or he needs to resign his fate that he will be trapped at Lake Bailey using Cynthia’s old wigs to make fire to signal for SOS. Or he could just you know, just propose. For now Cynthia’s brittle laugh makes it seem like it’s all a joke, but she is seriously on edge and about to snap.

RELATED – Cynthia Bailey Credits “Lots Of Sex” With Mike Hill For Her Glowing Appearance

Worried about negatively affecting her fragile friendship with Kenya, Porsha decides to make her first appearance since the scandal by attending the party. She dresses up as Holiday Barbie and pretends absolutely nothing is wrong as she drags sweet little Pilar along for the shithow. I know Porsha was wearing elbow-length gloves as a way to hide that she’s no longer wearing her engagement ring.

Kandi dresses as Rockstar Barbie and brings Ace as her Rock-N-Roll Ken. Eva comes as Workout Barbie and looks adorable, but brings none of her children, then makes the pivotal mistake of telling Porsha she wasn’t sure how this event would go – knowing Real Housewives Of Atlanta events as she does – and didn’t want to risk it. Porsha pretends to be shocked as if she hasn’t been on the receiving end of Krayonce numerous times, but Eva says she just doesn’t know Kenya well enough to gauge.

Cynthia agrees Eva is right to be wary. Mistake. Fatal mistake. What Eva should’ve said is she’s 6 months pregnant and exhausted, so the thought of dragging two small kids there when all she wants to do is sit and eat seemed insurmountable, but she’d love to have Kenya and Brooklyn over for a playdate so they can get to know each other better without all the chaos. Kenya is looking to re-earn her keep and get that million dollar paycheck back so she will be prowling for any low hanging fruit and fighting with Porsha is not allowed.

RELATED – Report: Eva Marcille Says Kenya Moore Is Manipulative & A Compulsive Liar

Of course it’s Porsha who makes this all a problem when she later twists Eva’s words all around and tells Kenya Eva doesn’t trust her around her children since they don’t know each other plus she’s heard some things… Yeah, things from PORSHA! If that is how Porsha protects her budding friendships, then girl has a ways to learn about being a friend and needs to spend many hours of her Dennis-based depression wallowing in some Golden Girls episodes.

Anyway, the other thing is that Eva, Cynthia and Kandi still haven’t told Porsha about Sincerely. Then of course Kenya just haaaaapens to overhear them talking about it, so she fabricates a reason to pull Porsha aside and spill the beans. Porsha is smirking throughout their entire conversation because she knew what was about to go down when Kenya pulled Cynthia and Kandi in to present the details. In the end Porsha already knew the whole mess with Sincerely was a lie anyway, but demurred in telling the women what’s really going on because she’s embarrassed by Dennis’s indiscretion and doesn’t feel ready to have it get all out there in the world by taking off her gloves. Porsha is at least relieved that for now the Sincerely thing has been publicly laid to rest.

Well at least Kenya has Porsha’s back, even if Dennis so clearly does not. I always said if Porsha and Kenya teamed up they’d be a formidable team and here they are so watch the fuck out, NeNe, because these Barbies did not come to play.

RELATED – Kenya Moore Says NeNe Leakes Is “Threatened And Bothered” By Her; Thinks NeNe Needs “Counseling”

TELL US – DO YOU THINK KENYA AND PORSHA’S FRIENDSHIP WILL LAST? DO YOU BELIEVE SINCERELY? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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