90 Day Fiance Recap: Ready To Run

There is so much toxic waste to sift through on this week’s 90 Day Fiance. We need to jump right into the garbage pile and start sorting. Dang! Have you ever seen such dysfunction laid bare for all the world to see? (That is, until Love After Lockup returns this Friday – set your DVRs for WEtv 8 CST/9 EST!). The only word for it is lunacy.  

We can’t truly begin to snark on the lesser crazies before addressing the most disturbing situation of last night’s show. This involved a TRULY SCARY Steven berating the mother of his child while she attempted to breastfeed their newborn baby. Seriously, Steven needs to be voted off the island – like right now. THE TRIBE HAS SPOKEN.

Days after returning home from the hospital, Steven is still in full tilt psycho mode. After a botched attempt at taking a car ride to a “fancy park” far away, Steven sulks. Then, he runs a few errands. He fills prescriptions, picks up food, and generally does the tasks required of all new dads while Olga feeds and cares for baby Richie. Navigating foreign stores and strange money is no small feat. Steven manages to come home with what they need. There’s only one problem: HE WANTS A F**KIN PARADE THROWN IN HIS HONOR. Yep, guys. Steven’s not being properly thanked enough for all of the “really hard stuff” he’s doing. So he decides to complain to Olga.

Just to recap: Olga has literally been cut open with a scalpel at that Russian Asylum Hospital. She is raging with postpartum hormones and is breastfeeding for the first time on practically no sleep. She has no parents, no family, and will be doing all of this on her own in a few short weeks when Steven flies back to his tough life of skateboards, graffiti, and couch surfing in Ocean City. Steven, on the other hand, has to run errands. All together now…poooooooor Steven!  <sniff>

Later on, as Steven lays into Olga about how she’s not putting their relationship first because she “only cares about the baby.” Olga listens in shock, then breaks down in tears of frustration. The baby can’t even breastfeed anymore because she’s so upset, so he starts crying too, which sets Steven off even more. “I have to go clear my head!” he shouts, running outside to swing on the playground that’s meant for whiny children his age.

Back inside, Steven resumes his litany of accusations, gaslighting Olga at every opportunity. He wants her to pay attention to HIM. Steven wants her to be nice to HIM. He wants her to change HIS DIAPER. Because the biggest effing baby in this room is definitely not Richie. Turning it all around on Olga, Steven accuses her of “constantly arguing” and replicating the toxic home life he came from. He’s also straight up jealous of his own baby, even though he denies it. This is toxic beyond belief.

Confused and quietly enraged, Olga apologizes to him (UGH!), but wants to know why he’s turning his sh*t around on her. Because that’s what abusive manipulators do, Olga. Sadly, it’s looking like Steven is beyond hope – unless he gets into deep, deep therapy very soon. Olga seems to understand this in her interview as well. She notes that Steven needs to work on himself before they have any chance of working on their relationship together. Ugh. Save Olga! Save baby Richie!!!!!

Colt & Larissa

Speaking of toxic, let’s take a quick peek at Colt and Larissa’s clusterf**k of a relationship! Since Larissa didn’t get her biggie car or cheapie couch, she’s hoping Colt at least rents her a less slot-machiney house. Colt obviously has no plans of spending one red cent on a new, fancy apartment for Larissa. He takes her to tour one anyway just to wave it in front of her face. Meanwhile, Larissa waves a handicapped parking sign in front of her face to battle the hellfire inside Colt’s un-airconditioned car. #DesperateMeasures

As they tour an upscale loft space, Larissa squeals with delight. “It is my dream to live here!” she cheers. But the one-bedroom apartment can’t accommodate Debbie, so Colt can’t make a decision yet. He needs to talk to MOTHER.

Larissa doesn’t like living with Debbie, who she describes as a cat – silent, sneaky, and appearing out of nowhere “to ruin your life.” “I no want to live with Debbie!” Larissa complains. But Colt reminds her that his Norman Bates living situation shouldn’t come as a surprise to her. She knew he was a mama’s boy when she signed up for this particular path to a green card. Larissa has no recourse at  the present time except to upgrade her choice of hand-held fans in the car on the way home. She won’t be getting any other kind of upgrade anytime soon.

Back home, Colt and Larissa tell Debbie about the apartment they toured, which comes as a complete shock. Through gritted teeth. She tells them she’ll find a place in a senior living center if they want to move out on their own. Colt is visibly pained to hear this. He’s been living with his mom for 33 years. Since she’s the only family he has left, he feels responsible for her. Plus – where’s he gonna get those hot, steaming cauldrons of beef stew if Debbie moves out? Larissa just smirks and rolls her eyes, knowing the groundwork for a coup has begun. Bwahahahahaa!

Damn. Colt better be careful here. I mean, he decided to go trolling for brides outside of his wheelhouse/species – so he got what he paid for, plain and simple. And Larissa has dreams, people! Dreams that she’s not going to let die of because of some pesky lifelong allegiance to mothers and such. Ahhhhh. What happens to a dream deferred? Well, it goes nuts on Instagram, then gets arrested. THAT’S WHAT.

Ashley & Jay

After they very maturely make up from their silly argument about Jay leaving the house without “permission,” Ashley and Jay head out to look at their wedding venue – a beautiful rustic barn that Ashley has already reserved for the big day. She’s done all the wedding planning, so their 90 days together could be hassle-free. Jay is just happy there will be a dance floor. Weddings in Jamaica aren’t an opulent affair, he says, so all he truly cares about is having fun on their big day.

But those hopes of carefree fun are dashed when Ashley starts getting a flurry of messages from friends and family reporting that there have been hundreds of heinous, racist, and evening life-threatening comments posted on the the couple’s wedding website. As she scrolls through the hateful posts – some of which she reads to Jay, and are so disgusting that I refuse to even give them repeated life in this recap – Jay sits there, stunned.

Sadly, he thinks this is all his fault, which Ashley immediately refutes. This is not Jay’s fault in ANY way, shape, or form! Ashley can’t believe someone would have so much hate in his/her/their heart to go to the trouble of harassing strangers with their racist tirade. But she now – understandably – feels totally apprehensive about a big, public wedding. Could someone walk in and shoot the place up? Sadly, it’s not out of the realm of possibility.

Jay doesn’t know what to think. “This has never happened to me before,” he says. It’s such a disgusting example of how a few hateful sons of b*tches can literally ruin lives with their cowardly, dangerous posts. Damn. This is sickening.

Jonathan & Fernanda

After a chilly reception from Mother Jonathan, Fernanda holds out hope that she’ll join her to try on wedding dresses anyway. Jonathan’s sister tags along, which is a sweet show of support, and after much TLC “tense waiting scene” editing, Mom finally does show. She’s still in shock about this wedding being real, but sits her butt down on a bench to watch Fernanda try on dresses anyway.

Jon’s sister knows her mom is freaking the frack out, but they do their best to “ooh” and “ahh” at Fernanda’s dresses. Although they still think it’s absolutely crazy for a 19-year old to get married, what can they do? In Mother Jonathan’s case, she’ll just have to plunge her head between her knees, hyperventilate, and pray. She literally does this every single time Fernanda heads back to the dressing room.

Finally, Mom’s walls crumble a bit when Fernanda comes out in her “Jackie O” dress – her favorite. She breaks down in tears about her own mother not being there. She misses her family in Mexico terribly. It’s at this moment that Jonathan’s mom seems to realize just how vulnerable and alone Fernanda really is. She runs up to hug her in what seems like a genuine moment of affection and support, and Fernanda is grateful.

Aww. Maybe this family will be okay after all? It’s not like you’re losing a son, Mother Jonathan! You’re gaining a daughter! (Who accidentally posts photos of your son’s junk on Instagram…whoops.)

Eric & Leida

Still high from their hideous treatment of Tasha, Eric and Leida decide to head out and about to torture the remaining citizenry of Baraboo. Leida wants us to remember that she is RICH and Eric is POOR. In fact, her previous wedding allegedly cost her family $300k for 2,000 guests. Yes, we heard that right: TWO THOUSAND GUESTS. In contrast, her wedding with Eric will cost only a motel rental fee, a few floral wreaths, and her dignity.

The wedding venue is a typical conference room/collapsible walls/industrial carpeted situation. For obvious reasons, Leida hates it. “It’s quite plain,” she tells Eric, who’s already been beaten down so low, there’s nothing left to do but look haggard and grunt. Leida hopes the florist can help – but not so fast! It turns out Eric’s budget of $400 won’t cover much more than a centerpiece and some broken carnations flung around the room.

This is not okay, in Leida’s opinion. When she shows pics of her $300k wedding to the florist, she’s practically laughed out of the shop. What’s Eric left to do but double the budget to $800 in a Hail Mary attempt to PUT IT IN PROPER? Leida squeals with delight, the florist congratulates them on their new fancy budget, and off they go.

The third stop of their #DreamCrushingTour is Century House, a verrrrrrrry pricey Scandinavian furniture store that Eric has absolutely no business stepping foot in – like, ever. But Leida would like a real couch and a bed in her life, so he pretends to look at furniture with his bride-to-be, all along the way saying NO to everything she likes. Finally, Leida leaves the store in a huff. It’s here that we see the monster rear her ugly head again.

“We have Tasha living with us, you pay f**king child support!” she screams at Eric in the parking lot. “When will it be MY turn?!?” Eric defends his child support payments as “the way we do things in this country – we don’t turn our back on our children!” As a reminder, this is coming from the guy who tried to kick his own daughter out of HER apartment last week by sending her to a budget motel.

Leida whines that she doesn’t CARE what the law is here – “I don’t like it!!!” She threatens to just end things with Eric now, feeling like she’s been lied to about everything. She wants her daddy back! Leida wants her maids back! She wants a couch that doesn’t deflate every 4 hours! Spoiler alert: She won’t be getting any of that swell sh*t with Eric. And at this point, she doesn’t have much of a choice in the matter.

Kalani & Asuelu

Kalani is still side-eyeing the man she transported from another dimension to live in the industrialized world, so she’s calling in the backup squad: Mom and Sister Kolini. As they accompany her to try on wedding dresses, both mom and sister look on while Kalini practically has a full blown panic attack in the bridal shop.

She isn’t ready to get married to Asuelu. Hell – she isn’t ready to let Asuelu alone with his big boy bike yet! And she certainly doesn’t trust him with Oliver, whom she constantly refers to as “MY son,” rather than “our son.” Mom says that Kalani has always had trouble with commitment. Kolini thinks Asuelu is the real problem here. She plans on grilling him at brunch later to get to the bottom of it.

Let the interrogation begin! At brunch, Kolini asks Asuelu a series of ICE-approved questions. What do you think of America? When you met Kalani, were you happy she was an American? Did you have plans to come to America before meeting her? WHERE IS THE BOMB! WHO ARE YOU HIDING IN YOUR SUITCASE?!? Asuelu does his best to answer correctly, but does admit that there’s a culture clash, especially when it comes to relationships with family. He doesn’t think Kalani likes his family much, and it’s obvious that Family Kalani hates his sarong-wearing, coconut-cracking arse.

But wait – plot twist! Kalani tells Kolini that she doesn’t like Asuelu’s brother because, when Skyping with him the other day, he said to Asuelu “when you’re done with her, let me take a turn.” OMGOMGOMGOMG – whaaaaaaaaaa? <screaming emoji face> So, Asuelu’s brother is a dirtbag? Is our beloved Asuelu a dirtbag too? WHAT. IS. HAPPENING. HERE.

The side eye Kolini gives Asuelu is all of us right now. As Kalani cries, Asuelu walks off in a huff – with the car seat perched on his head. #YouCanTakeAManOffOfTheIsland

Kolini pleads with Kalani to reconsider her options. She doesn’t have to marry this man, even if she is connected to him for life as the father of their child. Kalani doesn’t know what to do. But one thing seems clear: We don’t know the whole truth about Asuelu yet. All we know for sure is that he 1) likes living in a house with walls, 2) doesn’t understand how car seats work, and 3) his boohole hurts.

Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.

TELL US: IS STEVEN IMMATURE OR ABUSIVE? WILL KALANI MARRY ASUELU? CAN COLT CUT THE UMBILICAL CORD? SHOULD HE? WHO’S WORSE – ERIC OR LEIDA?

[Photo Credit: TLC]

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