Below Deck Recap: Everything Is Popping!

Why does Below Deck always have bosun problems? It’s basically a guarantee on these shows that the third stew and the bosun will be a mess and all season everyone will be moaning and groaning over their ineptitude and bad attitude. Well, here we go again!

Caroline Bedol is the little chihuahua that can’t. Work that is. With a swollen foot giving her a sulky disposition, Caroline begs Kate Chastain for ways to work lite. Like avoiding lates. Josiah Carter barely speaks, he mostly rolls his eyes and snorts, but when he does speak he’s usually groaning, “Ugh Caroline…” He has no idea why a third stew thinks she’s in any position to complain about what hours she works.

But first: CHANDLER BROOKS IS MISSING – he’s lost out at sea and he kidnapped Ashton Pineaar. Thankfully we can use the GPS on the omnipresent charter guests phones to locate them!

Obviously, Chandler is only speedboat fishing and Ashton was commandeered as his second for this expedition. Even though neither of them can actually fish, which explains why they’re using chips ahoy cookies and iPhone apps to lure bait while also attempting a bootleg Sports Illustrated swimsuit photoshoot at the same time. Yes, it’s 7 am but the guests are already wearing thongs and hosing themselves down with contour body spray. #PerfectSunrise All that would probably be par for the course except that Captain Lee Rosbach has no idea where the hell Chandler is! And no surprise: Chandler is not answering his radio. Does this dude not understand how radios are supposed to work?!

When they finally return, wet but fish-less (these guests don’t care about reeling in anything except instagram likes, so it’s cool), Adrian Martin already has a gourmet breakfast prepared, meaning his hands are free to give Kate a breast massage. Yes, sexual harassment is his suggestion for curing Caroline-related stress. Someone needs to borrow the guest’s wifi signals to watch a little sensitivity training video on YouTube!

Since this is a fish-filled day of fun, sun, and Core Coconut Water, the next item on the agenda is swimming with sharks and lunch on an island. Kate is just hopeful the guests will actually put their phones down while they’re underwater. Cause you need hands to swim, y’all! And sharks bite shiny things like cell phones.

Going over the plan with his crew, Chandler makes the executive decision that everyone is needed for the beach picnic setup and no one will be left behind on the yacht. Ross Inia senses this a bad idea, but Chandler doesn’t listen to anyone, not even his boss, so it’s wasted words trying to tell him anything! While they’re packing up Chandler yells at Rhylee Gerber for not answering him correctly over provisions being packed, then he tells Ashton to “top off” the hot tub water. Big mistake, huge. Because it’s gonna rain brah!

Of course, Chandler doesn’t answer his radio. Again. Which is why he misses the captain’s call about the hot tub overflowing and no covers being on the deck furniture even though there are enormous storm clouds overhead. He finally comes back to pick up Kate, Josiah, and the food and is completely shocked to learn Captain Lee was looking for him. Didn’t he learn that lesson LAST WEEK?! Chandler is so disconnected he doesn’t even notice the enormous black clouds literally over his head (Yay for metaphors!!) and Kate finally has to tell the guests it’s time to pack up and go.

But the picnic was AMAZING and Adrian prepared the most delectable sushi, which was displayed so perfectly. The guests actually looked up from their phones to take in the moment which means success!

After dropping the guests off at the yacht Candler heads back out to get the crew, meaning that Caroline is the lone stew. And that’s about the equivalent of leaving a muppet without their puppeteer yet expecting things to happen. Lee has to get on the radio to remind her to do basic elements of her job, like GO CHECK ON THE GUESTS and offer them a drink. The guests are in the hot tub usie-ing and of course, want very complicated drink orders. Like Pina colada. Except for that one guy with the asshole coconut water specification of one blueberry, one strawberry slice, and ONE mint leave. This is condom guy of course. This throws Caroline into a tizzy so once again the guests are waiting 30 minutes for service (so long they leave the hot tub!), until Kate returns and manages to mix coconut milk with rum. Caroline, girl, Google is your friend! You can find things on there… recipes, mediation apps, therapists…

“I just served underwater lunch in shark-infested waters and Caroline’s the one freaking out,” Kate scoffs. “Why don’t you go back to sitting and folding?” To distract Caroline from actually trying to work Kate just sets her up on a pile of Rubbermaid bins and orders her to do dishes.

Back onboard, Chandler is immediately whisked into the captain’s quarters for a lecture. Captain Lee does not like babysitting and he certainly doesn’t like babysitting his babysitter. Like why were Chandler and Ashton leading a fishing trip while the actual deep-sea fisherman stayed on-board shammmying?! “I’m checking you and you’re missing alotta stuff,” Lee points out, “which means you’re not checking them. Which is your job.” According to Tao of Leeism, an overflowing hot tub – deck crew = captain stuck holding his dick in his hand… I bet it was actually a Core Coconut Water he was holding! The worst is that Chandler blames Ashton for overfilling the tub, then stomps downstairs calling Lee a “f–king asshole” under his breath and decides the right way to lead is to berate the crew for making him look bad.

While Ross and Ashton are willing to put up and shut up – for now – Rhylee is about to blow. With good reason. Chandler is especially horrific to her. Ashton attempted to reassure her, but I think we’re waiting with bated breath for the eruption of Mt. Rhyleeia.

After dinner – which is another huge success – some of the guests decide to go back in the hot tub, that’s when Caroline notices that two of them are actually in the crow’s nest. On blankets. And like doing stuff to each other. Naughty stuff. Suddenly her foot isn’t so injured as she races downstairs to report to Kate and Adrian, then they all run together to the CCTV cameras to catch a little charter guest porn. Adrian decides ‘The Starfish’ will be the inspiration for his next meal, while Kate predicts the girlfriend is only acting horny because she’s really thirsty.

The next morning as the guests prepare to depart, Josiah calmly serves breakfast while shooting Caroline unnerving and noxious glares as she scuttles hysterically around the boat. Kate decides Josiah is like a prize-winning show dog, while Caroline is a stray Chihuahua who shits itself when it gets excited. Or is Caroline a flamingo? Because now she can barely stand on her foot which she complains is “popping.”

As the guests leave they hand over a sizable tip to match their ‘sizable condoms’ and then focus on the important things: that their phones are fully charged for the journey.

Caroline leaves the tip meeting and beelines for Kate insisting that her foot is worse than ever. So instead of cleanup, it’s back to the doctor she goes! Caroline is told not to put any weight on it for two days. For Kate, Caroline being out of service isn’t all that different from Caroline actually working. Except that Josiah will have to take over ALL the laundry. Maybe he put a bug in Caroline’s sock just to get her out of the way of Kate’s potential affections!?

Chandler is now more anxious than ever to prove himself to his dad Captain Lee and is projecting his insecurities by snapping at the crew. I mean Rhylee. He literally yells at her for a mop bucket and shammy being left out. Even after she says it wasn’t hers, he continues to berate her for not putting her tools away. Rhylee is right that Ross should be bosun. For one thing he actually knows what to do and secondly, he’s calm. Chandler is as much a chihuahua as Caroline!

Later the crew hits the town for a much-needed night out, but Caroline remains home to rest her foot. After a couple drinks, Ashton tries to convince Chandler to go easier on Rhylee because she’s not a bad person (or employee) she just has a rather rough communication style. Ashton is a gem. Truly sweet and kind, and I love his friendship with Ross. He’s so reassuring – like when he tells Ross that “some girls prefer dad bods” but isn’t being nasty, it’s actually sincere. And Rhylee has grown on me too. At first, I thought she was just completely insubordinate and attention-seeking, and she is those things, but Chandler is also a huge prick who doesn’t deserve her respect!

When the crew returns to the boat Ashton drunkenly tries to drink something yellow – hopefully not urine! – from a pitcher then gives up and stumbles into Rhylee’s room. He attempts to climb into her bed, but she denies admittance so he decides ice cream is easier gratification. Meanwhile, Caroline is scuttling around like a ghost creature, lurking in corners and trying to get back to her bed before Kate spies her out and about. But too late! Because butler school has taught Josiah to have eyes in the back of his head and be highly attuned to the softest sounds of hobbling footsteps.

Kate chases Caroline down and demands she recuperate in the sick cabin where she is NOT allowed to leave, under any circumstances, until the 48-hour rest period is over.  “Get better or go home,” Kate slurs sweetly as she drunkenly, yet expertly props Caroline’s pillow and hands her the pitcher of yellow liquid to use as a bathroom facility.

TELL US – DO YOU THINK CAROLINE IS EXAGGERATING HER FOOT ISSUE? IS CHANDLER TOO HARD ON RHYLEE?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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