Below Deck Recap: Ralph And Rally!

On last night’s Below Deck we got normal, nice charter guests in exchange for Rhylee Gerber, who is a few halibut short of a full net. (I have no idea how you catch halibut).

Rhylee is still freaking out about her drunken fight with Chandler Brooks which was about whether or not she’s allowed to scream at her boss the way a 15-year-old screams at her mother. In fact, Rhylee acts like an out of control teenager so we’re just gonna go with that metaphor. If you have teens or have just recently survived the parenting of adolescents, or in my mother’s case have never actually recovered even though your daughter is in her mid-thirties, then you know what I’m talking about. And I do believe Rhylee is in her 30’s, right? Or the sea, the sun, and the crazy is just not doing the things Bravo likes done to their skin (Botox). 

ANYWAY – Rhylee is pissed because Chandler is making the deck crew get up at 6 am after a night of partying, and she’s really pissed that Chandler didn’t want her advice on how to handle the deck crew. Cause she is a boat captain in Alaska after all and knows these things! Initially, I thought Rhylee was right: punishing them with a 6 am wake-up because Ashton Pineaar wouldn’t leave the club is low-down, dirty, and domineering 1980’s TV dad trying to wrestle back control at home because he hates his job. Where Rhylee went wrong is her mouth and her attitude. Something tells me this is not the first time she’s had this problem.

Even after Chandler and Ross Inia (her other boss) go to bed, Rhylee won’t stop ranting about it. Then, when Kate Chastain tries to warn her that she should let it go and respect the hierarchy of the boat, Rhylee starts yelling at her. Um, girl… Kate’s nuts don’t crack. They calcify into diamonds which will slice you right down to the size of something Adrian Martin could plate as a fancy entree. Also, Kate has looked evil in the eyes before (Rocky), so she knows no fear. Kate stared Rhylee down until she went to bed, chastened.

The next morning, to prove to Chandler that he cannot and will not break her, Rhylee is awake and ready at 6 am sharp for work. Ashton has to be woken up though. Time to hang-over shammy!!!

Chandler doesn’t speak to Rhylee all day – literally ignoring her completely and leaving Ross to deal with her 250, 000 questions about how one works a squeegee. Can’t someone put on an instructional movie as a babysitter? Chandler explains, “I just physically do not have the mental capacity to deal with whatever’s going to come out of her mouth.” Yeah, that doesn’t make sense, but I’m not surprised because this is your brain on Rhylee and no sleep! Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face, bro!

Finally after all the work is done Chandler pulls Ryhlee aside from a talk and basically explains that although he overreacted if she wants to stay on this boat she will treat him with respect. For Rhylee this means mumbling “f–king prick” under her breath every time Chandler speaks instead of saying it to his face.

When Rhylee isn’t calling Chandler a prick she’s telling everyone about being a boat captain in Alaska. Cause did you know, Rhylee was a boat captain in Alaska. Please go tell it to your shammy. Or rant to Caroline Bedol. She can just ignore you while she rocks back and forth, in her bunk while nodding quickly and gnawing her hair off with her teeth.

Kate is relieved that, FOR ONCE, most of the drama is with the deck crew. I wouldn’t be so presumptuous! Kate rolls out of bed in last night’s one-shouldered maxi dress around 9 am, but Caroline has already been awake after receiving a troubling email from her mother who is struggling with early-onset dementia. Hmmmm… this puts me in a conundrum. See, I want to make fun of Caroline for all her meltdowns and hysterias, but then I also feel bad because this is serious stuffs. She should probably be in therapy instead of cruising around Tahiti cleaning luxury toilets on a superyacht. Or who knows maybe she Skypes her therapist.

After learning that the charter guests are Alan and Danyele, whose first trip aboard one of Captain Lee Rosbach‘s yachts was the biggest disaster ever, Kate is determined to make this trip perfect for them. They want massages on the deck, a pj party to celebrate Alan’s birthday, and a nighttime beach picnic. Unfortunately, I do not believe this trip will go much better, and right on cue, The Trouble With Caroline begins to erupt.

Caroline is like a walking emoji. She has just no subtlety – none! Meanwhile, Ross is all mournful glances and tonal inflection and such low energy he’s like a nice soothing coma just washing over everyone. Everyone except Rhylee!

In the middle of making beds Caroline bursts into tears, and looks like that emoji with the head on fire as she runs out of the room to cry in a stairwell. Kate who just does not care dispatches Josiah Carter to soothe her. That’s like sending animal control to comfort a rabid groundhog. Josiah pronounces Caroline’s name like “Car-alarm” and visibly resents her for making him show pretend human emotions. Essentially he says, “Whhhhyyyee are you making so much fuss and noise and being an invasive species to my hubris? Which is so busy being busy and important in my mind that I have no time nor use for consoling you. Just do go home and find a nice dock-tor.” Since Kate does not have the physical capacity to emotionally deal with whatever nervous breakdown will come out of Caroline she sends her to bed, leaving Josiah to iron perfect creases in Captain Lee’s pants. And don’t think he won’t tell everyone who deserves the credit! Kate is happiest this way, though. She loves Josiah something awful.

The next day Caroline has revived herself, Josiah is still assessing her with a sneer, and Rhylee is still a clownfish. In fact, the only person on this boat NOT having issues is Adrian. He calls his girlfriend for a pre-charter chat and they coo at each other in some sort of love language last heard on Teletubbies. Then Alan and Danyele, who are clearly gluttons for punishment, show up.

While de-docking (is that a term) Rhylee rears her ugly head again when she starts freaking out over getting some barriers down and Ashton tells her to just relax. Nobody tells Rhylee to calm down! Or tells Rhylee anything because she was a boat captain in Alaska. But Ashton tells Chandler because Rhyle is constantly complaining about how she wants to learn, yet won’t let any of her superiors teach her!

Since Rhylee has everyone’s manties in a bunch Instead of getting the guests luggage to their rooms, Chandler decides they need a team meeting – immediately. He doesn’t want to call Rhylee out directly or make her feel like she’s the only problem, but yeah, she pretty much is. It’s just perfect timing because an unexpected storm is rolling in. Chandler being annoyed about Ryhlee’s attitude is totally justified, but his own attitude also needs adjusting!

As the guests’ luggage rolls away in the impending storm, practically falling off the starboard Chandler is lecturing Ryhlee about the chain of command until finally, Captain Lee has to get on the radio to demand he deal with the luggage.

And nothing says relaxation like a massage during a tsunami! So the guests are forced to gather their towels around their naked bodies – probably a routine from Ashton’s stint dancing the male review – and run for cover. Literally.

The producers tried to give Adrian some drama by having the guests worry about the dinner entree being veal when everyone’s preference sheet said they only like beef or chicken and bacon. It was some malarky because of course, they loved it, so lucky Adrian got to crawl back into his tie-dye love spiral to have visions of strange concoctions.

But really – what was that hideous Cookie Monster colored birthday cake? Pinterest #NailedIt. Followed by the 15 minute long sad PJ party which had Kate freaking out about needing ALL HANDS ON DECK! Basically, the guests stood around under blue Christmas lights for a few minutes, then went to bed leaving Caroline awake until 4:45 cleaning up! She asked Chandler for help with the trash, but the only garbage he’s dealing with presently is the kind coming out of Rhylee’s mouth. Even though Kate asked the deck crew to take care of it.

The next morning Kate finds a note from Caroline explaining everything. In detail. Like, “Dear Kate, Are you there? It’s me Caroline…. Chandler really, really hurt and wounded me when he wouldn’t take out my garbage. And I was up until the crack of dawn, which is so ironic cause I’m ABOUT TO CRACK at any moment, haha – only kinda! And the best thing about being awake alllll night is that the sunset is truly beautiful, but my heart is hurt over being abandoned…”  Caroline just wants to be understood. And have her feelings validated. And feel heard! Holy Crikey. Kate likes things short and sweet, preferably 140 characters or less.

Of course, Ryhlee also wants to be understood and heard and validated! Poor Ross. Poor, sweet mellow Ross, was forced to take the guests out on the tender with Rhylee as the assistant. She spent the entire trip cutting him off, undermining him in front of guests, snapping at him, and interrupting with conflicting advice. Yes, WE GET IT: she was a boat captain in Alaska, but that’s not the same as appeasing rich prima donnas who want to swim in black coves and have no concept that the waters are rough. Ross gets it – let them swim for a few minutes, then get them in, and act like everything is fine. Ryhlee was freaking out about the weather, then taking her sweet time getting the guests on board by over-instructing them, overdoing EVERYTHING, and snapping at Ross when he tried to assist the process. Rhylee even told one of them to “ralph and rally” if she feels seasick. Errrrmmmm…

Back on the My Seanna, Ross informs Chandler of what happened, but his advice is to just get through this charter and then they deal with it. That’s not good enough for Ross – he wants action on the Rhylee situation NOW so he goes to find Captain Lee. I can’t tell if this will be the worst thing Ross ever does or the best…

Meanwhile, Captain Lee has spotted Caroline wandering around the boat in a giant maroon sweater, looking like a homeless person has snuck on board. He asks Kate to show Caroline the Lands End catalog and put out something ‘yachty’ if she wants to be comfortable because she’s not allowed to be above deck when they have guests looking like, to quote Kate, “a deranged muppet.” If ever there was a perfect description…

TELL US – IS RHYLEE OUT OF CONTROL OR ARE THE GUYS TREATING HER DISRESPECTFULLY? SHOULD CAROLINE LEAVE THE YACHT?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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