Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Baby Bashing Badgers Invade Beaver Creek

Beautiful wilderness and a 5-star ski resort, a private plane, endless champagne, a group of tight-knit friends ready to put their problems behind them… Oh wait, WHOOPS – not that! What can go wrong when you take the Real Housewives Of Dallas to Beaver Creek? Also, this episode was sponsored by the Letter B, the color Blush, and the number 4 – for all the naughty things Kameron Westcott doesn’t do because she’s a square.

All the beaver action began at Brandi Redmond‘s top-secret baby shower for Bruin. After Stephanie Hollman misled Kameron by making her believe they were celebrating Stephanie’s surrogate, here appeared America’s favorite ginger family presenting a mystery baby. Kameron is stupefied. Like where’s the surrogate? Did she give birth upstairs during the party? Is Brandi a stork? Like why wasn’t she told? Like, why isn’t SHE the center of the BS (Brandi/Stephanie) universe?

Kameron manages to temporarily muster a happy face and pretend to be happy for Brandi, but deep down in her pinky core she feels the palpitations of a feeling, long deadened under monotone and flat ironing, and that palpation quickly turns to rage. How DARE Brandi and Stephanie make Kameron feel unimportant! But for now, Kameron is behaving. It’s so because Court was there…

This gave Brandi time to make amends with LeeAnne Locken and confront D’Andra Simmons about the Adderall accusations. Taking a cue from Stephanie, Brandi wants to “move forward” with LeeAnne, so she takes her aside for a heart-to-heart. Because LeeAnne is the bigger person, with the bigger amygdala, she accepts Brandi’s olive branch but reserves the right to transform it into a slingshot or spear aimed at the back if need be. After all, Brandi did say she could never be friends with LeeAnne again after last season and LeeAnne’s feelings are hurt!

D’Andra Simmons Accuses Co-Stars Of Fat Shaming Her; Talks Adderall Abuse

With that unpleasant deed out of the way, Brandi addresses those Adderall rumors D’Andra spread. First of all, who exactly does Brandi think was talking about this constantly? What blogs? D’Andra denies that she meant Brandi – she just meant that in general Adderall is a problem in Dallas. Like ten gallon hats! Brandi knows D’Andra is lying, though, because a very reputable source (ahem Cary Deuber) told her that D’Andra admitted she was referring to Brandi in the podcast.

After an awkward conversation with Brandi that resolved nothing, D’Andra complains to Cary that she has no idea who told Brandi this obvious lie when Cary confesses that it was her. That was awesome! Plain as day, no drama/no shade, Cary admitted she was the one who told Brandi and insisted D’Andra told her she was talking about Brandi. All the Mama Dee drama must be wreaking havoc in D’Andra’s brain… either that or all the hard nights are catching up to her! Or maybe Dee is spiking her supplements like a good old’ Lifetime Movie. I do love that Dee and D’Andra are basically running the real-life equivalent of Designing Women, by the way.

Kameron marvels that everyone is getting along so well it’s like maybe Brandi gave birth to a magic baby!  The flaw in her plan being that Brandi didn’t actually give birth and the baby certainly isn’t bringing these heathens together in peace in unity considering it’s Sip & See has Kam seeing red, not blue!

Also, can we discuss why Can we discuss why Kameron was wearing makeup fit for a ghost warrior at this party?

Somewhere in Kameron’s plastic brain, she decides it’s the perfect time for a bonding girls trip in Beaver Creek. All sweetened up by her family’s lodge and private plane.

Kameron worked hard to make the trip a roaring success. She had the family monogrammer on speed dial so everyone would have matching pink PJs to wear on the PJ (private jet). Because nothing says party like a PJs on the PJ! And Kameron is eager to prove that she can be fun too. Like just watch her be fun! And like make fun happen. But fun can only take place during the times dictated by the itinerary. Kameron is What About Bob on Real Housewives. Next, she’ll be carrying her dog in a silver plastic bag around her neck. Right away D’Andra ruins things by showing up in just regular old loungewear instead of the PJ’s because her ass and stripes do not a sexy sight make.

As soon as they disembark from the plane the cars take them directly to the infamous Beaver Liquor. When Shep Rose finally gets married this is where his wedding will be held. Anyway, Kam understands that there’s like icky sex double-entendres about the word “beaver” and although it’s like so not for her, she had to be a good hostess by taking Brandi an Stephanie to their Mecca someplace they would feel comfortable. They were right at home at Beaver Liquor! Kam should’ve just left them there instead of bringing them to her rustic Barbie dream house. Like Stephanie said, the only things these women need are “Jesus and Liquor.” Liquor to break it; Jesus to Fix it.

Cary says Kam is too bougey for Beaver Liquor, and bougey people don’t get their beavers licked. Or lick tequila bottles in the middle of the store. Whatever Kam’s faults, she temporarily makes up for them by showing off her gorgeous ski home. It was stunning! The perfect backdrop for incessant arguments, drunken shenanigans, and tearful breakdowns, because if you’re gonna act like a f–ked up mess at least do it in a beautiful setting. I’m sure Paris Hilton has that cross-stitched on a pillow.

That pillow would’ve been a better gift than the Beaver Liquor poster Stephanie and Brandi gave Kameron as a hostess gift. They were hoping Kam would laugh off their gift but were secretly expecting a full-on Kam-trum about manners and etiquette. Surprisingly, to everyone, Kam chooses not to get mad and lets them off with a light reprimand. Stephanie and Brandi have a plan to slowly wear Kam down; to lube the stick up her ass and tug it gently until she is a free spirit in Brandiland, living off Jesus Juice. Wishful thinking, Stephanie!

In fact D’andra and Kam marvel at how well everyone is getting along and worry this is the calm before the storm. To thwart this LeeAnne leads a margaritas and meditation session, but as if to foreshadow herself as the one who will cause all the future problems, Kam cannot stop laughing at the notion of finding zen. Or maybe she was laughing at the idea of LeeAnne being the custodian of zen.

Stephanie and Brandi do not partake in summoning inner peace – they’d rather hit the sledding hill. Since there are no sleds in sight, they first attempt to use each other as a vessel, then a giant log as seen in cartoons (their version of a documentary, undoubtedly), and finally they procure some cheap plastic sleds from somewhere.

A private chef is brought in to make dinner, and desperate to prove she can like do fun, Kameron pulls out a risqué (if you’re  Miss Marple) game of questions. Somehow this spirals into Brandi threatening to kiss Kam, who would be only the second person she’s ever made out with! Kam refuses – even though we can see in her eyes that she’s curious, and also her ego is flattered. And nobody puts Brandi in a corner, so she practically leaps across the table to grab Kam’s face and plant one on her.

At this point, they’re all about 200 hundred shots in. All except for LeeAnne who is drinking water to maintain her composure and prove she has evolved past the rage monster from the freak show tent. Since Kam is drunk she forgets all about getting along and starts dropping jabs about Brandi’s secret baby, and how Kameron wasn’t special enough to be let in on the information. So how exactly did Brandi’s adoption and baby reveal become all about Kameron? Because I thought her baby was named Bruin…

Kameron won’t let it go until Cary yells out “Badger! Badger! Badger!” to illustrate that Kameron is being a nagging shrew and handing out citations for having fun. Kam is temporarily mollified, but her fury is simmering beneath the surface, ready to explode in an avalanche of pink sparkles and skin-bleaching makeup.

The Scandalizing of Kam, and the wearing down of her composure began at dinner and was amped up when Cary hopped in the hot tub naked. “Where’s your bathing suit,” Kam whined, flouncing her ruffled one-piece from the Polygamous Compound Fashion Collection. “In Dallas.” Cary smirked, bobbing her boobs a little on the surface so everyone knew they doubled as life preservers if need be. And need there be, but by that point, they had been put away!

LeeAnne’s newly aware amygdala must also be able to predict the future and had a premonition that things would go very off the rails – like sledding down a mountain on a log – so she went to bed early. Cary worries that something is wrong. RE: She doesn’t trust what LeeAnne could be cooking up when left to her own devices. D’Andra says LeeAnne is just worried about doing something to jeopardize her friendship with Cary. Really? Hmmmmm… Yeah, thought about it and don’t believe it one bit! LeeAnne is just hoping to rehab her image, but we all know this composure cannot last.

LeeAnne Appalled By Her Co-Stars Behavior; Appoints Herself The Manners Police

After Cary traumatized everyone with her hot tub peepshow they all have to emotionally eat ice cream, and this combined with the hours of drinking, lowered Kameron’s inhibitions just a smidgen, like a bra strap showing, and she had to again mention (again) that Brandi and Stephanie’s deception was NOT. OK.

Of course, Kameron couldn’t let sleeping dogs lie in a puddle of pink puke, she had to unleash the badgers on beaver creek – which already has a pest problem, clearly – by bringing up Brandi’s adoption. Almost immediately Brandi bursts into tears and runs to her room, but Stephanie stays behind to defend her friend’s decision to keep the adoption news private. And it’s true – Brandi owes Kameron nothing and Kameron is not only making this all about her, but she’s making Brandi feel crappy about something that’s supposed to be special.

Cary throws her hands up and goes to comfort Brandi leaving Stephanie and D’Aandra to conduct some Thomas the Tank Engine magic getting the Krazy Kam Train back on the rails before the town of Beaver Creek is at risk of a breach of etiquette. And usually, it is LeeAnne who necessitates the tranquilizer gun!

Kameron is freaking out about how her feelings are hurt over being excluded and mislead by CIA-level liar Stephanie when Stephanie snaps that Kameron is essentially “bashing” Brandi for the way she handled the adoption. Kameron stops hearing anything else but the word “Bash” and decides Stephanie is accusing her of “bashing an adopted baby,” which is something she would NEV-VER DO. Cause she is fun. And fun people don’t bash babies in Beaver Creek! That is tacky.

And this is why I love Stephanie: she doesn’t back down from her heart and refuses to bend over backward, apologizing to Kam, when she’s clearly in the wrong. Instead, she holds the line, focuses on comforting Brandi, and decides she’d rather leave early and meet her family in Italy than stay in a place where she’s not welcome at the hands of a maniacal hostess wielding a fairy wand like a whip.

An emotional Brandi also wants to go back home. Which is perfect because Kameron rants to D’Andra that she has never been treated so badly in her life and wants Stephanie out of Court’s her home.

Kameron needs to grow up – the important baby in this situation is Bruin.

TELL US – IS KAMERON OVER-REACTING? IS D’ANDRA LYING TO BRANDI?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

Also, just because here’s Kam playing fun police in Beaver Liquors:

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