Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Arrest And Relaxation

Luann de Lesseps just wanted to spend the weekend in her bathrobe trying to forget about her less-than-countess-like behavior in Palm Beach, but Ramona Singer ain’t gonna let that happen. She’s not just the maven of the Hamptons, ya’ll – she’s also the maven of mayhem! The Real Housewives Of New York trip to the Mayflower continues this week with Luann learning more about Ramona breaking girl code. Bethenny Frankel reveals that The Apologizer not only tried to crash Tom D’Agostino’s New Year’s Eve party – she actually has drinks with that dirtbag regularly. Whaaaaaa?

Tinsley Mortimer gets put on blast for being a psycho girlfriend trying on wedding dresses behind Scott’s back, and Dorinda Medley confronts Bethenny about the tension between them. Dorinda also can’t seem to un-trigger herself when it comes to Sonja Morgan and her delusions of family crests and P. Diddy on yachts. Why can’t Dorinda just be cool? Not, like, all uncool? She needs to back that sh*t up before someone screams “TAKE A XANAX! CALM DOWN!” the next time Sonja’s harmless deer slippers are waved in front of her face.

Before the madness begins, the ladies gather for yoga. Carole Radziwill updates Dorinda on the many missteps of RaMONSTER – her wayward social media posts, her trolling for invitations to Tom’s divorce party, her general nastiness toward service staff…shall we continue?

Afterward, Dorinda and Tinsley talk about Sonja’s FAMILY CREST. Ugggghhh. Dorinda still can’t handle Sonja’s delusions of hanging on to the Morgan name, but Tinsley doesn’t see any harm in it. Sonja’s daughter is a Morgan, so who cares if she carries on the legacy in her head? Meanwhile, Ramona is still unbothered by her Instagram post. She doesn’t see why Luann is upset that she made their dinner photo public, even though wine glasses are littering the table. “I drink WORTER out of wine glasses. WHO CARES?” barks Ramona, on whom all rules of basic human decency are utterly lost.

In another room, Dorinda asks Bethenny if they’re okay. Bethenny doesn’t feel “totally safe” around Dorinda, and Dorinda feels likewise. But she wants to get past whatever awkwardness is between them in the name of moving forward. “There’s an energy going on around me and it just is what it is,” says Bethenny. As she practically bursts into tears, Bethenny does that thing where she barks about being vulnerable and hurt in the same breath as she pushes away all hands reaching out to comfort her. Basically, she’s a wounded animal. And when Bethenny is wounded (by Carole, in this case) she growls louder.

After massages later, Tinsley and Carole take a stroll through the grounds. To discuss how no one appreciates Carole’s marathon moment enough? GROAN. Oh, wait – no! They’re talking about something far more sinister: Adam. He’s apparently reached out to Carole, but she’s not interested in taking in another shelter dog rekindling the romance. She’d rather “work” – and by work, she means meeting deadlines for 250-word articles monthly, which are roughly a quarter of the length of these recaps that we churn out in about an hour and a half ON THE DAILY. Okay, rant over

Tinsley isn’t concerned with work. She’d rather try on wedding dresses and cry over frozen eggs, which Carole can strangely relate to. Okay, I’ve decided that these two deserve each other.

Lounging by the indoor pool, Luann and Bethenny have another heart to heart about Lu’s repressed rage. She never dealt with her breakup, and she’s still mad as hell at Tom for galavanting all over town with other women right after they split – not to mention him throwing a huge party on the anniversary of their wedding (NYE). Luann is committed to her sobriety and even plans on attending AA meetings to “keep honest.” Good for her.

But someone else isn’t keeping honest about her recent activities, and its name rhymes with BOLOGNA. Yep, Ramona has been cavorting with Tom at THE REGENCY, of all places! Bethenny delivers this news, knowing she’s adding fuel to the already white-hot fire, and of course, Luann is immediately incensed. But homegirl doesn’t want to get handcuffed again so soon after just having slipped that first pair…so she’ll try to restrain herself at dinner later.

When they ladies sit down to eat, Bethenny noticeably runs to the opposite end of the table from Carole, which Sonja notes is typical when B has her “walls up.” Not the best move for making up, but it looks like this feud isn’t going to be a short-lived one anyway, given the nature of Carole’s blogs this season. As Ramona orders the waiter around like her personal assistant, Dorinda confesses that her – erm – nether regions have been recently groomed. “It was like Abraham Lincoln down there!”

Bethenny asks Tinsley if she’s getting married because she heard from “a friend” (???) that she and Dale tried on wedding gowns recently. Tinsley tries to explain her single white female behavior as just a gag! But Bethenny doesn’t think so. “It’s like going to try out coffins!” she snarks, sending half of the table into snorting laughter and the other half into cringe-ville. Tinsley defends that she can try on wedding dresses anytime she damn well pleases, thankyouverymuch. And Carole tells producers that Bethenny has no room to talk because she was looking at engagement rings two weeks after dating Dennis. Oh, snap!

But it’s Dorinda and Sonja who eventually bring the house down when Dorinda goes in AGAIN about the f**king family crest. Unable to take any more of Dorinda’s insults about crests and deer and last names that don’t belong to her, Sonja just stands up and screams. Like a toddler who needs to leave Target for her nap RIGHT THIS MINUTE, Sonja is left with no other options than howling and stomping her foot at the adult who won’t listen to her. No juice cleanse in the world can bring her blood pressure down.

“WHY DO YOU CARE?!?” screams Dorinda, followed by Bethenny backing Sonja up. And um, I have the same question: Why, Dorinda? WHY? Because she has no good reason to keep digging, Dorinda lays down her shovel and climbs out of her hole. “I apologize to you, Sonja. I won’t bring it up again,” she says. Sonja accepts it, but Bethenny doesn’t. She thinks Dorinda’s apology is B.S.

Oh hey, it’s Luann’s turn to fight with Ramona about the IG post now! Ramona’s all, “You didn’t tell me to post it. I didn’t get the f**king memo. I’m SORRY.” Luann isn’t accepting The Apologizer’s response, nor her wish to brush off the nonsense about trying to score an invitation to Tom’s party. At this point, Ramona is actively trying to hurt Luann, right? But since she knows she’s caught in her dirty deeds, Ramona just dredges up some crocodile tears and pretends to be contrite. No one buys it. “I un-der-STAND,” says Ramona, who – let’s face it – doesn’t understand how to say the word “ramifications,” why water is wet, or why all of the poor people are angry. #RhodesScholar

“What you did was the lowest of the LOW,” says Luann. Ramona doesn’t understand why Lu is so upset – I mean, she’s just hanging out with Lu’s ex-husband, who Luann is obviously still raw about. Um, our girl Luann just got ARRESTED because of her unhinged post-divorce behavior. But Ramona is too dense to put two and two together, let alone see her part in exacerbating the problem. Because no one will ever solve a problem like Ramona, Luann just finally leaves the table. She doesn’t want to drink over this thirsty chick.

Back at the house, banana bread is laid out for the group, which delights Ramona. “You seem really broken up about what happened between you and Lu,” Sonja eye-rolls as Ramona scarfs down her treat.

Up in Luann’s room, Carole stops by to discuss the Ramona issue. She understands Luann’s perspective. “You need a friendship break from her,” suggests Carole, while Ramona continues to defend herself downstairs. Carole thinks rehab has already worked wonders for Lu, and frankly, she’d like some o’ dat herself. “I’m so proud of you,” Carole tells Luann as she hugs her, which is a refreshing moment considering the history of bad blood between them.

The next morning, Luann is wide awake and ready for yoga but climbs into bed with Bethenny and Sonja instead. Lu thinks Dorinda is off her rocker for getting so triggered by the Morgan “crest” idiocy, and Bethenny thinks Dorinda is awful for sticking up for Ramona. Because, let’s be real: Ramona is ALLLLLL kindsa wrong for her behavior right now, and there’s no way around it. At least Sonja got Dorinda off her jock once and for all, which pleases the young Jedi and her master.

As the ladies pack up to leave the last day, Ramona is coached (by Dorinda) to make up with Luann before it’s too late. “I’m a work in progress,” shrugs Ramona, who will never change, but does understand what it takes to hold an apple for ten straight seasons. Ramona slinks into Luann’s room to deliver a rapid-fire apology, but Luann isn’t ready to hear it. So she shuts the door on a yapping Ramona, leaving her to run away with her tail between her legs. She’ll have to go piss up another tree.

TELL US: WILL LUANN FORGIVE RAMONA? SHOULD SHE? IS THE BETHENNY/SONJA ALLIANCE WORKING? WHY IS DORINDA SO OBSESSED WITH SONJA’S FAMILY CREST???

Photo Credit: Bravo

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