90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Recap: Home Sweet Home?

TLC has made Sunday nights great again because 90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After is finally back in rotation. It’s time to sit in front of our TVs each week for two full hours, openly judging the spectacle of crazy laid lovingly out before us. And I could NOT be more excited. Does it take a genius to put this show together? I’m gonna go with “YES, OBVIOUSLY!” because these producers somehow survive everything from an unhinged Anfisa storming straight at them to practically being machete’d to death in the Amazon – all in the name of delivering stellar content season after delightful season. (Just as a reminder, the regular season of 90 Day Fiance is still on its way for 2018 – this “Happily Ever After” series follows couples we’ve seen before in regular 90DF seasons past).

Last night’s season three premiere caught us up with six Americans and six foreigners who previously shared their doomsday love stories with the world. Some got married after going through the K-1 visa process, some never quite made it to the altar, and others barely stayed married for 48 hours before everything went straight to hell. This season’s nutbag couples are: Chantel & Pedro, Paola & Russ, Molly & Luis, Annie & David, Nicole & Azan and Anfisa & Jorge.

Alright, last night’s episode was a delicious two-hour catastrophe previewing the horror show to come, so let’s get to it! Here’s where we find each couple since they last graced us with their presence.

Chantel & Pedro

These two have already been married for over a year, which boggles the mind. “I don’t think you understand how hard it is to live in America,” says Chantel as soon as Pedro comes home from work. She goes to nursing school now. Apparently, it’s also hard to get your family on board with your marriage when you LIE TO THEM FOR MONTHS. Which is exactly what Chantel did when she brought Pedro over on a K-1 visa.

Since their second wedding in the Dominican Republic, family relationships have gone severely downhill. It’s tough to say who are the worst garbage people – Chantel’s snooty family or Pedro’s witchy mom & sister – but bottom line is this: these peeps HATE each other. Chantel’s parents think Pedro’s family is taking financial advantage of the newlyweds. Pedro thinks Chantel’s family are rude Americans who insult chicken feet. Both are correct.

Here’s the problem: Pedro is the only one working and he thinks the money he makes is HIS. And he can do whatever he wants with it – like spend $1,053 on shipping a flat screen TV to his mother. Um…WHAT? No, sir. Nopety nope nope. Even Chantel wonders why they don’t just send his mother money to purchase her own TV? He finally agrees, taking his newly boxed TV home with him. Now Chantel awaits the Mother Pedro fit to come – which she knows it will. That woman can never get enough.

While Pedro is shipping his family TVs, Chantel can’t even afford books for school. Pedro’s warehouse job can’t support all three of the women in his life – and his priorities still put his wife at the bottom of the list. This is especially apparent when Mother Pedro says on the phone later, “Send me the money for the television because you owe it to me.” She and Sister Pedro follow this up with openly gossiping about Chantel’s family – while Chantel just sits there listening to it. OH MY GOD. Nightmare.

Molly & Luis

After traveling back in time to the days when Molly was trying to turn a houseboy into a husband, we find out that she and Luis are now “trying to make it work.” They secretly got married before the finale aired last year, but broke up shortly before the reunion. Molly’s daughters Kensley & Olivia sniffed out Luis’s creepy ass vibe immediately, but it took a hot minute for Molly to catch that stanky drift. After he shamed her for the DEMON OWLS! and UNGODLY BUDDHAS! and SATAN CANDLES! in her home, Molly finally had enough. Luis then ran to his brother’s house.

But now, Luis is back. And he’s apparently been assigned vacuum duty. He’s also donning an apron and proving his worth by cooking chicken parts for dinner. Molly asks how he feels being home again, which he answers by snarking, “You was so rude to me.” Um, come again, bro? RUDE? Molly still imagines that Luis will make a super cool stepdad, even though he already said her kids are “not his problem” and his inappropriateness with them has been off the charts.

To further his stepdaddy training, Luis is instructed by Molly to apologize to Kensley and Olivia. He robotically obliges, claiming he wants to “fix everything now.” Olivia doesn’t trust this player, nor should she. Kensley just sits in silence, shaking her head “no.” What I would like to know is where’s Molly’s apology to her daughters? Because she foisted this dirtbag on them, plain and simple. Instead of apologizing, Molly just delusionally reiterates that “we’re a family!” and demands they all make it work. Good plan, lady. Meanwhile, Luis is already mentally packing his bags. (I say it’s time to put an owl on his pillow. Let’s expedite this sh*tshow!)

Annie & David

Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that we are back at that FRACKING firehouse. Yup. The depressing apartment-ish dwelling that David’s friend, Chris, allowed Annie and him move into last year. Just when we thought the bottom of the barrel had been scraped, David digs even lower. Back in Thailand, he was the big spender of Chris’s money who could afford two whole water buffalo. But in Kentucky, he’s the dude riding around in a borrowed Volvo and pawning jewelry for rent. Except he doesn’t pay rent. And, yo! He didn’t even pay for that jewelry! CHRIS DID. Holy sh*t, this loser’s loseriness knows no bounds.

Chris has been enabling David for years, despite his wife Nikki’s wishes. Nikki, being the ONLY rational human on this entire series, has attempted to wean David off of Chris’s teat. But David has been more interested in wearing his lady mumus and pretending he can take care of the woman he purchased in Thailand. Despite looking like a sack of flour and not having a penny to his name, David somehow managed to lock Annie down. This gives hope to all men the world over, no doubt. (Ladies: BEWARE.)

But wait – plot twist! Two months after the wedding, David reports that Chris has cut him off financially. Now he wants to charge David and Annie $1,000/month to live in the firehouse. Annie doesn’t even know what a lease is, but this news sounds bad. As in: Homeless shelter bad. David seems shocked about paying rent, getting a job, and moving out of a government structure – all of which should come more naturally to a 49-year old man. Annie just wraps her green coat more tightly around her, silently taking stock of the depressing hot plate in the corner. It reminds her of her hut back home, albeit less luxurious.

Anfisa & Jorge

Jorge is apparently still alive, so that’s the good news. The bad news is that Anfisa is still crazy, and he is still delusional. Jorge tells himself every day that he chose Anfisa over an American woman because “all American women are crazy.” Then he places a revolver under his pillow and waits for his super-sane wife to pick the lock on his door. Since cameras stopped rolling last year, Anfisa has upgraded apartments and Jorge lives with his parents. But he holds out hope that he can woo his bride back – even if it takes multiple used Chanel bags. Until then, Jorge sits alone at the bar and contemplates revenge.

Meanwhile, Anfisa is getting boxing lessons from some sort of flirty instructor who obviously likes to be punched. Perfect match, no? She’s bound and determined to stay in the U.S. – Jorge or no Jorge. She doesn’t care what his trifling, lying butt is doing (besides combing his hair forward these days), as long as she keeps her green card. Question: How is Anfisa paying for these boxing lessons/lifestyle? Wtf?

Anfisa denies that she’s ever been a prostitute, even though Jorge claimed as much on the reunion. Since then, she’s cut Jorge out of her life, sent him back to his parents, and secured a new apartment. Apparently, “promoting some products” (i.e. schilling crap on Instagram) is paying her bills now, and that’s how she plans to live out her American dream. One DIFF Eyewear selfie at a time…

While Anfisa practices her left hook, Jorge takes his sister to meet with a divorce lawyer. If he divorces Anfisa within a certain time period, she could be deported. Jorge could also be paying Anfisa alimony if she DOES stay, which would be a-okay with her. But wait – he has no solvent businesses or bank account to speak of, so never mind. He’ll have to pay her in gas station lottery cards, I guess.

In the mean time, Jorge seeks comfort in his buddy, Ramon. He wants someone to fix his life, but asking that of a mere mortal is demanding the impossible. Ramon wonders why Jorge called Anfisa “a ho” at the reunion? Jorge says he snapped (which is also the title of Jorge and Anfisa’s ultimate destination/show) and told lies just to get back at her. But Ramon says he got a text with a pic of Anfisa looking like a Web Cam girl (amateur porn), so whassupwiththat?!? Jorge denies that Anfisa was in porn – it’s all fake online drama. Ramon side eyes this lame excuse. He and the rest of America still think Anfisa’s last job likely started with a “P” and rhymes with CROS-TITOOT.

Paola & Russ

Someone else who is combing their hair in a disturbing new direction: Russ. Now living in Miami with Paola, he’s still playing the part of reluctant/uptight husband to his spicy/thirsty wife. Paola, suddenly a redhead with disturbingly thinning locks, still dreams of modeling on dirty sheets in a meth lab, but her career isn’t going as planned. She’s also still friends with that asshat, Juan, who openly insults Russ at every opportunity.

Paola’s family is in crisis though, so modeling will have to wait. Her grandmother is very ill and may be about to lose her battle with cancer. Paola’s aunt delivers the news, and Pao starts thinking about options to visit her family in Colombia. She tells Russ that they need to get down there ASAP, and he agrees.

As they pack for the trip, Paola worries about her family’s reaction when they arrive back home. They haven’t visited in four years, and Pao’s family thinks it’s all Russ’s fault – not Paola’s for draining their finances dry after she demanded they move to Miami with no job prospects whatsoever. Russ is freaked out too, more because Paola wants to see Juan on the trip. Russ and his new haircut do NOT approve of Juan – and both will obviously be ridiculed by Juan as soon as they meet up.

Nicole & Azan

Since Nicole was sent packing from Morocco with a halfhearted wave and a “Smell ya later!” from Azan, she’s been counting the days until she can slam him into doorways see her beloved again. Azan’s K-1 visa interview is coming up, so until then, Nicole has been spending time in her apartment/converted hotel room, brushing May’s hair and trolling the internet for backup victims.

Nicole recalls the good times in Morocco – you know, like Azan wriggling out from under her public groping, getting body-shamed daily, and managing three squats in the gym as proof of “changing.” Ahh, memories.

Since Azan forgave Nicole for cheating on him (and yes, we’re still waiting for proof of life on the dude she allegedly cheated with), Nicole is bound and determined to lock down her man. Even though he didn’t show up to Skype into the 90DF Tell All Reunion last season, she’s forgiven him and resumed her position of total desperate loser. (His excuse, by the way? Bad cell reception! Ahem, a known catfisher would never use that excuse…)

When Nicole meets her friend out for a drink, she’s asked why she still wants to marry Azan after he’s ghosted her and argued with her pretty much nonstop? Nicole stupidly defends, “Uh, he’s a good guy.” Yip. A good guy with 7-8 other girlfriends around the globe, according to all reports in the past few months. Yikes.

When the day of Azan’s visa interview comes, Nicole is at her mother Robbalee’s house with May so she doesn’t “sleep in.” HUH? This chick. I just CAN’T with her. Robbalee asks Nicole what the plan is if Azan gets approved? Nicole, who can barely figure out how to unscrew the lid from her toddler’s sippy cup, has no freaking clue. But no matter – because Azan will eventually deliver the news that he has NOT been approved (as we know from sources over the past few months). Nicole, of course, is still in the dark about all of this though.

Nicole hopes to hear from Azan after his interview, but he never calls. So she spends the afternoon forcing May to call Azan “daddy” and say the word “Morocco” instead. (Seriously, you guys – how do we save this child?!?) The next day, Nicole and her unwashed hair are draped across her bed back at the motel/apartment when Robbalee comes to check in. Still no word from Azan? Wouldn’t he have called if he’d gotten approved? she wonders. Nicole just whines and moans, willfully deluding herself that Azan is a good bet as a life partner.

“I’m so tired of waiting!” cries Nicole just as the phone finally rings. “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? WHY DID IT TAKE SO LONG? I’M DYYYYYYYING!” whines Nicole. Azan doesn’t have a chance to answer before the phone scrambles and they lose their connection, which means Azan would rather drop his phone in the toilet than marry this chick. #ConspiracyTheory

It looks like we’re in for a treat this season, and we’ve only just begun. Ah, 90 Day Fiance, thank you for making us feel better about ourselves! Good work, TLC.

Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, and iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.

TELL US: WHO IS THE HOTTEST MESS? WHICH COUPLES ARE GOING TO FALL APART? WHICH MIGHT ACTUALLY MAKE IT? DO YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF AFTER WATCHING THIS NIGHTMARE, BECAUSE I SURE DO?

Photo Credit: TLC

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