Vanderpump Rules Recap: The 9 Lives Of Jax Taylor

Of all the things that make ZERO sense about Vanderpump Rules, the two that stand out the most are Kristen Doute and Patrick – Stassi Schroeder‘s, Zen For The Douchebag’s Soul, sometimes-boyfriend. Yes, for me, this has overshadowed the tedium of Jax Taylor behaving atrociously and getting away with it. Again.

For instance, why is Kristen going to the opening of James Kennedy‘s See You Next Tuesday DJ gig at SUR? Doesn’t she despise her cretin ex boyfriend with the passion of a thousand disturbed bees? Don’t ALL of them actually hate James?! Hasn’t the hatred of James Kennedy been a storyline for, oh, I dunno – the past 3 seasons?! Apparently Kristen would go to the opening of an envelope, though, and when being on Vanderpump Rules is your only J-O-B…

Also, why is Kristen suddenly buddy-buddy with Ariana Madix; palling around with her Charlie’s Angels-style to take down the evil villainous Jax? Also, I love when Kristen condemns Jax. As if she hadn’t once been an aggressive part of what made him so condemn-able. But, hey, people can change? Maybe she is a saintly honey pot when it comes to her relationship with Carter, a one-named mustachi-NO that has far out-stayed its hipster prime. Seriously hipster people (are they really people or mere approximations of cool manifestations?) – the ‘stache is dead! I guess, what I’m saying is there, by the grace of mustache, should go Kristen’s inclusion in this show. At least Stassi serves the comic relief purpose, but that too is outstaying its witty welcome.

But here we are at Brittany Cartwright‘s housewarming party. A party she’s throwing with the man who publicly cheated on her with her co-worker and acquaintance. Since it’s 1am at a party that looked bad to begin with and is now dissolving into worse, Ariana decides she’s bored of drinking and should acquaint Brittany with Jax’s audio assault. At the talon-manicured hands of Lala Kent, Ariana has discovered a post-coital recording Faith made which features Jax admitting he no longer finds Brittany sexually attractive. If there’s an individual sleazier than Jax, we may have found them in this Faith!

Brittany does not react well. It’s like RECORD SCRATCH: I AM CAPTAIN OBVIOUS INTERRUPTING THIS PARTY TO TELL YOU ALL WHAT A RAGING D-CKHEAD JAX IS! Then Brittany plays the recording on speaker so the entire party can be privy to Jax’s grotesque behavior.  Jax FREAKS OUT, not cause he’s ashamed but because Brittany is dragging what is supposed to be a private matter between the two of them into the public. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAH

Yeah, that guy really is an incurably diseased dick.

The girls huddle around Brittany, rapt with awe, as she plays the recording, while the boys escort raging-Jax to the safety and serenity of Tom Schwartz‘s embassy. This time Jax did not make his escape via motorized scooter.

James remained in enemy lair, curiously observing, because James is the detective of bad deeds and also my single favorite person on Pump Rules. I have always secretly adored James, and now he’s the underdog hero of this show. Like a White Kan’tye Superman. (*PLEASE NOTE HEAVY SARCASM except for the liking James part – that’s true.) James lasts about 6 seconds in girl-world before he chastised the girls for turning Brittany into a heathen, and is screeched into submission by the WeHo Witches Coven. James flees, grabbing handfuls of alcohol, to the boys den where he’s no less safe since Jax is well-aware that he released the audio to the wolves. James Kennedy, king of the no-man’s land!

Actually, James snickers that he stole Faith’s phone one drunken night, smuggled it into a bar bathroom, and sent the audio to himself before passing it along to Lala. Oh, devious little gremlin – you make TV fun again!]

Jax doesn’t know this (yet), but he’s still mad enough to fling Tom 2‘s phone across the room into the wall. Jax insists it’s his phone, but Tom clutches his Coors can fretfully, rushes over to pick up the pieces like he always does. Tom 1 , however, has placed his ire in Ariana because she should’ve known better than to let a drunk Brittany hear the audio.

Ariana, again, has bad timing when she and Kristen join together (safety of hatred in numbers!) to inform Jax that he isn’t allowed to return home. Instead Tom confronts Ariana about her s0-called bad judgement for getting involved in Jax and Brittany’s mess. Oh that’s rich, Tom. Like a $100,000 investment in Tom Tom rich. Because this is coming from Tom, the guy defending Jax! Ariana screams back at Tom for defending Jax and – duh: getting involved. Plus it’s not her fault – the recording was ON LALA’s PHONE! That means her ears were held hostage? The whole time Kristen hovered, with glee, that finally Ariana and Sandoval are fracturing. It’s what she’s wanted for years and years because Ariana is a cheating, thieving harlot. Or maybe Kristen is over that and they’re on the path to bestie-dom?

After Ariana storms out, Tom remains behind to hold Jax’s head and wipe his tears. Tom was actually the one crying, pretending it was for Jax’s broken heart, as the tears snaked through his foundation and made his bronzer uneven. Oh, Lisa Vanderpump, why have you not bottled all these SUR-ver tears and made a Teartini yet? Clearly the cryings of these people leak straight alcohol!

The next morning, Jax returns home, but he is STILL not shame-faced and humbled. Instead he’s furious at Brittany for broadcasting his bad behavior. As if it’s a secret. He literally tries to turn everything around, as if Brittany is the one who did something wrong! At first she started falling into his trap (again), but then she realized his obvious manipulation ploy and told him to get out while she went back to cleaning up the party mess. Yeah, he didn’t even offer to help! This guy is a serious sociopath, and Brittany needs help, but not from Sherri and her Jesus speaking some language that sounds like a mouth full of cracklins.

Meanwhile Lala, Tom 1, and Ariana  matriculate to Scheana Marie‘s where there ate bagels. Everyone is hungover enough to consume carbs. Carbs really put Tom in a cranky mood, because AGAIN he starts yelling at Ariana – this time in front of everyone! He’s still mad that Ariana meddled with Jax and Brittany, which is why he’s also involving their friends in his drama by starting another big fight in front of them. Cause hypocrites for breakfast!

The real issues are that Tom feels like Ariana doesn’t respect him, and Ariana feels like Tom is always trying to take over her life and tell her how he could do it better. And clearly, Tom 1 is no judge of better. Ariana gets so mad she uses the dreaded “B word” – break-up. Poor Scheana, all she wanted to do was talk about herself and how Rob is the most amazing, courageous, inspiring, loyal man she knows who would never kiss another girl, but once again everyone else ruined everything by making it all about themselves. Do the photos on the wall tell visitors nothing? This is an ALL-SCHEANA; ALL THE TIME zone! Also Scheana has cupholders in her sofa…

The way Scheana adulates Rob reminds me a lot of the way Stassi acts around Patrick. Ugh, yes, we got another sighting of Man Bun Boy last night and he was in top form of being kind, generous, and not at all smarmy like over-cooked bacon left to congeal in its own grease. To say nothing of the standards of these people, Tom 2 also loves Patrick so much he put on pants that don’t contain an elastic waist, then blabbers about his drunken hook-up. Even worse, Katie Maloney mentions that Stassi’s ex, Jax, is SUCH A PSYCHO. How embarrassing to have all your bad adulting on display in front of this adult super person with such adult hair and adult over-sized t-shirts from the Kanye BEST Kollection!

Patrick provides Tom with some helpful advice about mythical rain and the power of umbrellas, while Stassi squirms with mortification (a word she’s probably unable to define) hoping Pooprick doesn’t remember that she once dated Jax, and that his psycho may have been contagious. Maybe Patrick needs to stay gone and take Staphi-Infection with him?

Well, spoiler alert: Tom and Ariana don’t break up but they’re still not speaking by the time they return to work for James‘ See You Next Tuesday party.

Oh that James – he Is the witty one! A lightbulb floated over his head and he decided name his event after the play on words “See You Next Tuesday” since he’s at SUR every other Tuesday. Gee – who does this genius-guy think he is? Patrick! Actually I love it and so does Lisa, although she pretends not to. Truthfully Lisa was secretly overjoyed that James is finally getting his act together. Also I loved watching those two snicker over Jax’s moronic behavior.

Since James is riding high he skips over to the record studio to make new muzak. Bust out that aut0-tune kids, cause, Tom 1 is on his trumpet. Lala described Tom’s trumpeting as a “pack of baby dolphins learning to communicate for the first time,” then clarified, “but I love dolphins.” The dolphin description applies to how everyone on this show miscommunicates, however James was thrilled with the results, and it provided Tom the opportunity to put his emotions into his art.

See You Next Tuesday is a huge hit. SUR is packed, but clearly no one expected it would be. It seems Lisa invited ‘plants’ which would explain why Stassi, Kristen, and Jax – long-known James haters – are there. Jax was probably there to intimidate Brittany, who was working, and sadly, it works. Brittany confesses to Lisa that she’s not strong at the moment and doesn’t know what to do about Jax, who is still holed up in their apartment while they’re not speaking. Oh, Brittany…

Stassi, who knows from experience, encourages Brittany to walk away, because Jax will never change. But Brittany’s not ready to give up on reality TV weddings love. Her head is saying NO JAX, but her heart (and vagina) is saying YES JAX. To substantiate why Brittany should dump him, Lisa offers that Brittany looks better than she has in months. “Revenge Body!” quips Brittany.

While James is spraying glitter into the dancing crowd and minding his Ps & Qs, Scheana is running around like an idiot with a doomed romance with a bullhorn announcing that Rob would never be disloyal. First she corners Katie in the kitchen to insist they make a pact against discussing each other’s relationship. Scheana is mad that Katie spread retaliatory rumors about Rob in response to Scheana gossiping about Tom 2‘s drunken make-out. Katie denies it, even though that is EXACTLY what she did (and even admitted it to her friends), but agrees to keep Scheana’s faulty love affair out of her mouth.

Then Scheana goes to Jen Bush, originator of the tale and also part-time worker at Troca Madera, where the alleged mistress also works. Jen reveals that the girl in question is actually Rob’s ex. A new development! Jen also shares that Rob CAME to Toca Madera (without Scheana), started dancing with the ex, then kissed her. So, Rob likes to slum it with restaurant gals, eh? Rob assured Scheana that kiss was ONLY on the cheek, but a little lip maybe slipped in. Jen argues that Rob’s behavior was “more inappropriate than you’d want your boyfriend to be acting,” but Scheana feels vindicated in her own deluded dystopia denial-land. And now we know: the “most loyal man ever” did kiss another woman behind Scheana’s back! #Karma

At the tail end of James‘ gig, when the line for the bar finally depletes, Tom and Ariana find themselves behind SUR, by the dumpsters, where all significant things occur. They have a talk about how they don’t like to fight and they really like each other. So they vow to stop getting so caught up in the dramas of others and remember what matters: each other. See a little dumpster magic makes everything right!

The next day, Brittany calls her mom for advice about The Problem Of Jax. Sherri tells Brittany to “pray on it,” and the spirit in the sky preaches forgiveness. Good Christian Woman that Brittany is, despite the drinking, pre-marital sexing, lesbian hooking up-ing, and living in sin-ing, Brittany heeds God. Love will not be dimmed by the warming of another girl’s box (and iPhone Voice Memo)! She warns Jax that there are now rules: he must get in therapy, and change the way he talks to her. You’d think given that Jax cheated with a girl named Faith, Brittany may see that as a sign that the lord is leading her astray…

Jax tries to agree, but then instinctively starts to again blame Brittany. Now, though, Brittany has Jesus on her side and strongly reiterates that it’s HIS FAULT, so HE needs to fix it. I dunno BritBit…you’re making a deal with the devil. And you lie down with satan, you wake up in hell!

Katie Maloney Doesn’t Believe In Fairy Tales Because There’s No Such Thing As “Happily Ever After” 

TELL US – SHOULD BRITTANY HAVE GIVEN JAX ANOTHER CHANCE? WILL TOM AND ARIANA LAST?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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