Real Housewives Of Atlanta Recap: All Them Elephants!

All them elephants eh? Well I guess Real Housewives Of Atlanta has turned into a circus, and the elephants are running things!

Sometimes I’m astounded by just how much crap RHOA is filled with. Like Porsha Williams – suddenly it’s her life-long dream to be an actress? I thought that was NeNe Leakes‘ dream? Anyway, now Porsha is doing a play, but it ain’t no Broadway, it’s some local theater but at least she gets to work with the greats like Vivica A Fox.

The real question is what on earth (or on any planet) is Kim Zolciak doing? Her wig definitely needs some adjusting in the attitude department. Kim kept insinuating that NeNe is ‘on something,’ but Kim was the one behaving insanely. We’ll get to Wigs N Cigs’ messy mayhem in a few, let’s start with Cynthia Bailey.

Cynthia & Will Sittin’ in a tree – k-i-s-s-i-n-g… but not if anyone else has anything to do with it. Girl is 50 and fine and just wants to get her humps on with a hot man, but all her friends can focus on is that he might be using her. Maybe after years of Uncle Ben bumpin’ (or not), Cynthia just wants a little ho-ho in her life?

Cynthia hosts a school supplies fundraiser at her modeling agency, which was basically a fashion shoot surrounded by binders, interspersed with Cynthia and Kenya Moore sitting around gossiping about Will. It’s clear they were waiting for Will to actually show up. When he did, Cynthia started giggling like a schoolgirl, which I thought was cute. She and Will are taking things slow, but Kenya is all but pulling a Mama Joyce on the man! When Will reveals he’s going to Brazil, the first thought in Kenya’s dirty mind is that prostitution is legal and all the women have manufactured butts. Maybe Kenya purchased hers there?!

Kenya actually pulls Cynthia aside – in front of Will – to warn her. Yes, seriously the only reason people vacation in Brazil is legalized prostitution! What’s next? Will’s gonna go to Amsterdam!? And who would take Kenya’s advice on men? Personally, I like Cynthia dating; I think it’s cute to see her so giddy about this guy. Let the girl be.

Also, according to Cynthia, since Kenya up and married her Instagram date, they hardly see each other – so how would Kenya have a clue about what’s going on in Cynthia’s life?!

And now, alas, I have worked up the negative energy to discuss Kim Zolciak. Sheree Whitfield believes a few meetings with a life coach qualifies her to give out life advice, so she invites Kim and NeNe to dinner so they can talk.

Kim and Sheree are amusing in the way that shady bitches who are feeling rowdy and vengeful are. And Kim is always on a tear about some old thing. Before the appetizers are out, she’s already encouraged Sheree to go for it with her imprisoned lover Tyrone (Sheree could join the cast of Love After Lockup!). Then Kim titters that Kandi Burruss offered to eat her box. Kim swears this is true – and she declined. Maybe Kandi just wanted to see if Kim wears a wig ‘down there’. Sheree is scandalized.

How desperate is Kim Z? The icing on the cake: NeNe doesn’t even show up. They call her, to find out where her handicapped Rolls parked, and NeNe claims she has too many unresolved issues with Kim and one mysterious issue with Sheree related to Sheree ghosting Kim into her party – which Kim ruined. NeNe can’t discuss this over casual dinner, because she needs help from a higher power. That higher power happens to have a store in Atlanta, thankfully.

Kim decides NeNe is just mad because she saw her park her “rent-a-rolls” in a handicapped spot and Sheree snickers like she owns her cars! Kim also decides NeNe is “mentally unstable” and “on something.” To prove it, Kim whips out that video Brielle took of cockroaches in NeNe’s bathroom. When was Brielle at NeNe’s? During the guys and gays white on rice enchiladas and hot sauce party? I didn’t SEE Brielle there? Also Brielle stayed in NeNe’s roach motel long enough to count 16 cockroaches, then snapchat them?! Even though Brielle “adores” NeNe, Brielle told her mom, because Kim knows a guy, “Carl from Orkin.” Of course KIM has an exterminator on her speed dial, but what crawled up under her wig?!

The most interesting thing from last night was Sheree getting a call from Tyrone and trying to hide it from Kairo, who came home from college to surprise his mama with dinner. While Kairo cooked Sheree hovered on the balcony whispering into the phone because she hasn’t told her kids that she’s dating a convict. Tyrone is out to prove his innocence after the government framed him. Sheree is overjoyed that her love could be vindicated so she’ll no longer be socially shamed for dating him. Cause priorities! Kairo knows something is dubious, but he is too lovely to put his mama on blast. He deserves better than She by She Shady and Booby, Blobby, Bobby, the head-butting fool.

Finally, NeNe decided to invade the zoo and train all these elephants to respect their keeper. She managed to scrounge up something called an “energy healer” named MBele. This nonsensical combination of consonants abusing the letter “e” is a woman whose energy seems to be the physical manifestation of how NeNe feels about these ladies and RHOA in general. This combined with the forces of evil harbingered by Kim caused an energy explosion that needed Thor’s mighty hammer to zap up and shoot into oblivion.

One of MBele’s good points, however, is that her psychic reading comes with cocktails. Getting people two or three sheets to the wind seems an effective way of convincing them to believe her crap though, so good on you Dr. Jeff in a Dashiki. Also, did y’all see that mannequin with a wig in MBele’s shop wearing a Kim Z, The Retirement Years, wig!?

There are a lot of rules to this psychic reading, and rules are something Housewives are not used to. Rule 1 is that MBele confiscates everyone’s phone like they’re school children who might text during class. NeNe willingly swaps hers for vodka, but not everyone is so comfortable handing over their lifelines!

MBele is standoffish and strangely rude to Cynthia, but she does immediately warm to Kandi, of Kandi Koated I Kan make you famous in Atlanta. MBele probably has an album she needs produced. MBele claims she’s a “hugger” unless thy name is NeNe or Cynthia, then she’s a side-eyer. And if your name is Kim with a Z, then MBele is a shade-thrower!

While the other ladies gathered for some pre-reading victuals, and also more sessions of warning Cynthia that Will is Bad News Baldie, Kim and Porsha meet at Sheree’s for some pre-gaming about how stupid this party is. Kim rages over NeNe standing them up for dinner, and Porsha has no idea what elephants are stomping on her relationship with NeNe. Sheree, though, has an elephant-sized bone to pick with NeNe for calling Tyrone a “con man.” Considering that he’s IN PRISON FOR CONNING PEOPLE is that really something to get feisty over, She By SheNeedsToSitDown?

Sheree actually did need to sit down – her back is still messed up and girl was rolling out of the house wearing a bathrobe paired with Louboutins. She also had a muscle reaction, which according to Porsha, is cause for much celebration. Who’s on something now, Kimmie Wacky Wigs?!

Those three cackling hens roll into MBele’s studio carrying a Firkin full of bad juju that throws everything off. Kim immediately decided she was rolling solo in the spirituality department and didn’t want anything to do with MBele. Her psychic friends must’ve warned her!

How funny (fake) was Kenya? She was all skeptical of this negative energy madame, but as soon as MBele started going in on Kim, Kenya was peace, loving spirit, and kumbaya in her defense. Puh-leaze!

Kim refused to hand over her phone because she has “six babies at home,” plus Kroy is bringing home pizza. Is pizza delivery his new job? SIX babies… as Kandi points out Brielle is 20 and practically lives with her man, but Kim probably had to keep her phone in case the need for an emergency sexy selfie arose! Also, did y’all notice that for all her “I HAVE SIX BABIES” Kim was constantly throwing around “on my kids life” to give credence to anything that came out of her trout-pout. On her kids life, Kandi tried to lick her box. On her kids life, NeNe did this and that. Again, Puh-Leaze.

MBele first gives everyone a personalized energy readout and proclaims that NeNe has a “heart of gold.” I want to know how much NeNe paid this woman to say that? Then she warns Cynthia against Will. Cynthia is not believing warnings from psychics anymore than she’s believing warnings from psychos. She certainly has a type, though, and that type is “opportunist” (See: Thomas, Peter). Kim, champion of love, mumbles that Cynthia should follow her heart. All the while Kim was clutching Porsha’s hand, and her other hand was holding a Dixie cup (Please read this as if you are listening to Alanis Morissette’s Hand In My Pocket). Porsha was just eating some chicken when Kim and MBele got INTO it over that Dixie Cup. What did Dixie do to deserve being in the middle of that psychotic mess?!

Kim could stop interrupting to mutter under her breath because she questions MBele’s powers because SHE is the real “higher power” in the room. Plus, Kim has been read by world-class healers and psychics and is certain MBele’s energy ethics are fake. Kenya is so perturbed by Kim’s rudeness she even calls her out. MBele finally offers to give Kim a bath so they can “start over” by washing themselves free – she wants to go into the backyard for a chicken bone, some herbs, and a shot of whiskey to dump it all over Kim, but Kim just sets a wig atop her dirty hair and isn’t in the mood for being clean. Messy is as messy does. I wouldn’t trust all that backyard voodoo either, though. So MBele seriously cancels the reading and storms out.

Luckily, Kandi is in the jump seat ready to take control, and she don’t need no sage joints to figure out that NeNe is still mad at Porsha while Sheree is pissed at NeNe, and also Kim Z is a hot wreck of melted plastic.

NeNe and Porsha are in a perma-beef, and even IF Porsha used NeNe and left her (three years ago!) NeNe’ handling of the situation was stank and Porsha is right to move on. After all, she’s about to be in a Tony Award-winning play!

As for Sheree and NeNe, Sheree is dating con man and has no right to claim NeNe’s decades-old mugshot and is no different than Tyrone’s prison sentence. And these ladies think Cynthia is dickmatized – Sheree is so desperate for love she is being phonematized by a conman!

The big question, asked by Cynthia, is why the hell is Kim there do Kim and Kenya have issues? Kim claims Kenya always starts stuff with her (and Brielle). Even Cynthia couldn’t listen to that BS and jumps in to point out that the drama NeNe’s was Kim’s fault!

Reality is not something Kim, the higher power, embraces and she retaliated by warning Cynthia to keep her mouth shut and “just be a pretty face” because she has no idea what she’s talking about. Kim is out of control and that outfit was proof enough that high-er is apparently right! When Kenya comes over to try and explain herself, again, Kim just turns around and starts singing “Amazing Grace.” Kandi did not have her Auto Tune machine out in time!

Kim and NeNe have so many elephants they require a separate one-on-one in MBele’s toxic energy zen. It resolves absolutely nothing! Kim instead suggests that NeNe is “on something” and NeNe realizes they are not on the same orbit.

And, for once, NeNe is correct: Kim is an alien creature who’s f–king lost it. Girl, go home – your energy needs a nap.

Kim Is Willing To Give NeNe Another Chance If She Apologizes, But NeNe Is Done With Kim FOREVER!

TELL US – WHAT IS UP WITH KIM Z? WAS MBELE FULL OF CRAP? SHOULD CYNTHIA STAY AWAY FROM WILL?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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