The Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: A Retreat To Remember

We knew it would happen. Siggy Flicker threatened to test out her “empowerment and healing” techniques on innocent victims friends and family before she unleashed it on the paying public – and she did just that to The Real Housewives Of New Jersey this week. It was, as expected, a splendid sh*t show. And maybe I’m a glutton for punishment, but I’ll openly admit I loved every messy minute of it!

I still can’t help thinking this season’s cast has stepped it up a notch. Maybe it’s been Siggy losing her effing mind (which, though bizarre and troubling, has been strangely entertaining!), or perhaps it’s the reintroduction of wild card Danielle Staub, who Dolores Catania sees as a snake in the grass. In any case, we’re lucky that cameras finally stepped back from the heaviness of Teresa Giuidice’s family drama this week, instead entrapping gathering the women together for a forced getaway – always a solid gold Housewives move. Even though the trip is to Siggy’s retreat, at least Margaret Josephs is there to provide comic relief! Plus, Melissa Gorga brought three Hail Mary’s in her pocket just in case Satan caused confusion.

Margaret and her husband, Joe #3, are shopping for wallpaper. Marge doesn’t trust Joe’s style, but she brings him along for sh*ts and giggles. She will have her statement rooms and fabulosity whether he likes it or not! Margaret fills him in about her conversation with Dolores, which went well. She hopes it’s also a start to mending fences with Siggy, who was last seen sticking her tongue out at adults and doing the shimmy-shake behind Margaret’s back.

In an emotional moment, Margaret talks to Joe about her stepkids not speaking to her. They resent her because she cheated on her husband with their father (Joe) but she’s been in their lives since they were little and feels like a piece of her family has been ripped from her. Joe comforts her, hoping they’ll all come to a peaceful place soon.

Speaking of peaceful places and fake namaste zen-ishness, Teresa decides to finally get Dolores‘ side of the story on the whole Danielle accusation. They meet for drinks and, first of all, I am LIVING for this natural look Dolores is rocking! She looks beautiful in a simple bun and neutral makeup palette. Love it. Dolores is concerned that Teresa is believing Danielle over her, a loyal friend of twenty years.

Out of the gate, Teresa asks why Dolores hasn’t been loyal lately – but Dolores doesn’t see it this way. Just because she has Siggy’s back doesn’t mean she’s disloyal to Tre! Also, she says Danielle is just a “crazy b*tch” who imagined a conversation that never happened. Maybe it’s drugs, muses Dolores. Tre dumbly replies, “But she does yoga…?” as if thrusting one’s legs over one’s head precludes a person from a little medicine cabinet cocktailing.

Dolores mostly takes issue with Danielle (and to a lesser degree, Teresa) coming after her relationship with Frank. Yeah it’s a mess, but it’s HER mess! Teresa doesn’t understand it, though, and isn’t trying to. Lashing out, Dolores reminds Tre of her own prince charming, Joe Giudice, who’s currently locked up in a penitentiary – and who’s allegedly been stepping out on Teresa for years! At this insinuation, Teresa balks. “I can handle my own husband,” she flatly defends, next assuring Dolores that she will still be her friend no matter what Danielle is saying about her. Annnnnnd how did we gloss over that Joe bombshell so quickly?! Was that trick editing? Dolores insinuated he cheated, and zero tables were flipped? #Stunned

Later at Siggy’s house, Dolores listens to the many stresses of Flicker-ing. Siggy’s speaking engagements are becoming too stressful to balance with motherhood, so she’s going to start hosting retreats. Um, because this is a time saver? Does. Not. Compute. Anyhoo…the girls will all be invited as Siggy’s guinea pigs on her first dry run! Even Margaret! And Danielle! YES, ma’am. Let the healing begin. But no hugs – at least not between Dolores and Danielle.

At lunch elsewhere, Melissa and Margaret catch up a bit on kids and business, then discuss Siggy’s upcoming retreat. Margaret isn’t sure what to expect after Siggy’s batsh*t crazy behavior at the tasting, and Melissa’s still reeling from Siggy laying on the floor of her own party trying to cake-shame her. But they’re still up for going to this alleged “women’s empowerment” nonsense. Maybe Siggy will jump out of a helicopter with a brand new, un-smashed cake to start the festivities? In any case, Melissa plans to pray a lot beforehand. “And I’m the virgin Margaret,” laughs Marge.

At home packing, Siggy is planning to win Margaret over with her amazing empowerment skills. And if Margaret doesn’t love her after a weekend of having “KNOW YOUR WORTH!!!” screamed in her face, “then f**k her,” says Siggy. As Teresa and Melissa pile in the van, they wonder how Dolores and Danielle will coexist for the next 48 hours? Magic Eight Ball says: Outlook Poor. Exhibit A is offered when Danielle hops in the van and is greeted by an icy cold stare from Dolores. She is not up for this fakery.

On other fakery-fronts, Siggy has invited all of the women to her self-help weekend under the guise of peace, love, and understanding – but her Instagram post from the previous day (in which she’s holding a drawn bow and arrow!) is a rant about haters coming for her and getting revenge. Huh?

When the ladies arrive, Siggy greets them warmly then launches into her first session with Vikki (divorce lawyer, friend, co-conspirator in nebulous empowerment pyramid schemes). This class is about getting “naked” – emotionally. It’s filled with cliches about looking inside, surrounding yourself with positivity, being your own best friend! It’s essentially a fortune cookie come to life, times two.

Questions from the audience liven things up a bit, causing Siggy to launch sideways into a personal tirade against Margaret straight from the public speaking pulpit! Holy sh*t. In front of everyone, Siggy whines that she doesn’t understand why no matter what she does, this “one person” still doesn’t like her! Marge sits in the audience, mentally willing her eyes not to fully roll back into her head in disgust. “That’s f**ked up,” whispers Teresa, who even understands the nuance of publicly shaming a woman who you literally invited to a WOMEN’S EMPOWERMENT RETREAT. (Omg. Siggy, girrrrrrrl. Come on! Let’s huddle up and rethink your persona this season. I want to like you, mama. But you are virtually making it impossible with this level of ridiculousness.)

Instead of checking herself, Siggy continues by then calling Margaret out directly, claiming that being bullied over her name in childhood triggered her anger about being called “Soggy.” Surprisingly, this move works. Margaret actually takes her point to heart, and because Siggy does finally admit that – yes – she has issues too, Marge also admits she feels sorry for hurting her with the name calling. Okay – we’re getting somewhere! Wait? Is this a Jedi mind trick? Did Siggy’s bizzaro empowerment/shaming speech just perform some sort of friendship miracle? I am so confused. But Margaret seems happy enough – even when she hears that she’ll be bunking with Dolores and Siggy for the weekend! Wowza.

Next, the group is headed to the “Zone Room” where you can one-stop-shop for makeup, boob jobs, and head shots! And just in case you are fresh out of “Love Yourself” Siggy (TM) t-shirts, well, those are available too. The ladies take it all in stride, actually enjoying themselves in the goofy vibe of the day. Until Teresa pulls Danielle aside to tell her she spoke with Dolores and, if push comes to shove, she will side with #TeamCatania in the end. Danielle understands her allegiance, but reiterates that she is not lying about Dolores making the comment that Tre “only cares about money.”

Just in case there isn’t enough bad blood between them yet, Teresa decides to make things worse between Danielle and Dolores by repeating the drug accusations. Danielle is no stranger to being called a druggie, prostitution wh*ore, scumbag, etc…so she let’s it roll off her back for the moment. She’ll find her time for payback later, as we well know.

After everyone settles into their rooms, Margaret and Siggy share a nice moment. They agree that their rough start sucked, but they’re willing to try again with fresh perspectives. Hmm. Jury’s still out on that until further evidence is submitted for review. But for now, it’s all good. Marge even calls Joe back home to tell him how well the trip is going. Famous last words.

At dinner later, Melissa tells Siggy and Vikki she enjoyed the session earlier, but secretly hopes the next day goes deeper than lip gloss and t-shirts. After a little banter, Danielle decides to take this moment to confront Dolores about the drug comment. Dolores stands her ground. “I don’t know, are you [on something]?” she snarks, having no time for this chick. She thinks Danielle is delusional, if not an outright liar, about what she said/didn’t say about Teresa. After a bitter back and forth about who has character, who’s still a scumbag, and who needs to back slowly away from the spray tan machine, everyone just sort of runs out of steam.

Siggy reminds them that “it’s not over!” which could be a promise or a threat, depending on how you look at it. Vikki encourages everyone to look on the bright side! There’s role playing in their futures! Kill. Me. Now. (Please…?)

The next morning at breakfast, Danielle, Teresa, and Melissa talk about Siggy making up with Margaret. Danielle calls bullsh*t on it, musing that Siggy had to use herself as an “object lesson” of mended relationships to show what an expert she is! Tre and Melissa don’t seem to care why they made up; they just need more coffee at the moment.

Outside later, Margaret tries to avoid swamp a$$ while Siggy and Vikki introduce their first group activity: The dreaded role play. Everyone must choose someone they have an issue with, tell the group why they have an issue, then pretend they are the other person. Okay, obviously this is a producer driven recipe for dumpster fire-level disaster, but…let’s proceed!

Margaret and Siggy go first, with Margaret mimicking Siggy in her best “Soggy” character, whining about cakes and pastry chefs and screeching “Joshua! Joshua! Joshua!” in a pretty spot on impression.

Of course, everyone laughs their a$$es off at Marge’s performance. Everyone but Dolores and Siggy, that is. Maybe Vikki might want to rethink the next activity…? Because this one just got flushed down the crapper.

TELL US: WILL MARGARET AND SIGGY BE ABLE TO START FRESH AFTER THIS RETREAT? WHO’S LYING – DOLORES OR DANIELLE?  

Photo Credit: Bravo

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