As The Real Housewives Of New York get ready for their Mexico trip, sponsored by Skinnygirl (TM) Bethenny Frankel, Tinsley Mortimer decides to mimic her favorite gradeschool character by moving into a room on the tippy top floor! (Eloise shout out) of her favorite hotel. Because she’s a grownup now and thinks this will prove it. Plus, moving furniture is just too overwhelming – as is walking, thinking, breathing, and blinking for dear Tins. In fact, she’s getting the vapors just thinking about it all. She just wants to kiss random men in public (like the one Carole Radziwill sets her up with) and get her blowouts on the UES, where room service and clean towels rain down from heaven!!!
Good thing Sonja Morgan’s new eyebrows have been painted solidly to her face, so she’s able to make the wide assortment of facial expressions necessary when Tinsley announces her big-girl plans at dinner. Meanwhile, Ramona Singer’s also got a few facial contortions expressions in store for Bethenny, who sits down with her frenemy to discuss her trip invite – or lack thereof.
As Carole wrangles cats, Sonja and Tinsley get placenta facials while Dorinda Medley practices a speech and Ramona prowls the city in search of more caffeine. At Skinnygirl headquarters, Bethenny’s assistant apprises her of the Mexico schedule. It’s packed with Skinnygirl tours and Skinnygirl excursions and 7-course Skinnygirl dinners. One thing it does not include (yet): Ramona.
Carole shows up to celebrate her day in court with Adam, who she helped reclaim a security deposit. She feels powerful. Bethenny is also wielding her power – over Ramona, that is, who’s been texting her with niceties that make no sense given the state of their relationship. Carole thinks that Ramona was drunk in the Berkshires, but still meant everything she said. Bethenny agrees, and she doesn’t want Ramona going – well – Ramona on the trip in front of her brand partners about how much she hates Skinnygirl. She already got an earful of that trash talking in Vermont. Her solution? Invite Ramona, but not allow her to attend the distillery tour. (Also, maybe force Ramona to wear a straight jacket – in preparation for her inevitable future, ya know?)
Speaking of the odd woman out, Ramona meets Luann D’Agostino [de Lesseps] out shopping to wonder aloud whether she’ll ever be invited to Mexico. She’s channeling her inner Pollyanna for the cause, chirping that she thinks she’ll totally be invited! Because it’s in her Bravo contract. “She wouldn’t exclude me – would she?” wonders a strangely naive Ramona. Luann’s not so sure. She thinks Ramona should just blame her Berkshires antics on the alcohol and make everyone eggs ala francaise!
Sonja’s new solution to all of life’s problems is to get her nether-regions lasered. Even though she’s got “the most amazing, buff, puffed p*ssy there is!” the word on Mama Joyce’s streets is that a hairless cat is the only acceptable option these days. Plus, Sonja wants to ensure there are no grays in her garden, even though she maniacally repeats the color of her carpet is “AUBURN!” She wants us to have details, people! I now feel like I could do a police sketch of Sonja’s crotch from verbal description alone.
At dinner, Dorinda, Tinsley, Sonja, Carole, Bethenny, Luann and Ramona gather to haze Tinsley about cutting her hair and to celebrate the new man she’s being set up with, courtesy of Carole. There is an eighth member of this soiree that must be mentioned: Sonja’s New Eyebrows, which have been dyed nearly jet black and are possibly taking on a personality, language, and zip code of their own. Hey, Tinsley’s mugshot brows: You’re on notice!
Tinsley, herself, has also put Sonja on notice that she’ll no longer be living among her daughter’s stuffed animals and open-door sh*ts. She’s decided to move into a hotel, just as mama advised. There, perhaps she’ll be able to gather her wits about her and hunt for the next guardian who will teach her some skills in adulting. Sonja claims she’s unaware that Tinsley is moving – neither she nor her brows were informed via Connor by sealed envelope! Bethenny wonders if Sonja and Tinsley communicate solely through tea leaf readings or placenta facial enemas or whatever the frick they do over there?
Everyone wants to discuss Mexico, which only serves to wind Ramona even tighter – a very dangerous state for every person in this restaurant. Also, Luann has now switched her schedule so she can come for the entire trip, which means Ramona coming with her for only part of the trip is a no-go. While Ramona’s eyes nearly bug out of her head in anticipation of Bethenny addressing her, Bethenny sits in silence pondering the dire moment she’ll need to confront her.
The moment finally arrives. Uggggghhhh. Bethenny and Ramona scoot to the side of a round table to face off, which is bizarre considering everyone can hear them (and even poor Tinsley gets b*tched out for glancing their way – as she’s definitely the Handmaiden of this group). Bethenny says she doesn’t want to exclude Ramona, but she’s very uncomfortable because of the way she treated her, and she doesn’t “know how to move forward.” Translation: She doesn’t want to move forward. She’s also questioning why Ramona reaches out to her with saccharine texts, yet dogs her brand not-so-subtly behind her back? Ramona’s all, Brands go up and brands go down and brands go all around the town! So – Can I come now?
But Bethenny isn’t biting. So Ramona turns it around on her, claiming she talks trash about her business too! Bethenny admits yeah, she did a little bit. But it was true that she only sold 500 cases of Pinot last year, so meh. Now at full tilt pop-off, Ramona moves on to her marriage, or lack thereof. She goes all no-blinking-rage-face on Bethenny, recounting how her ‘heart was cut out!” after her divorce – her legs! her arms! Bethenny will never understand the horror Ramona went through!!! (How did we go from Pinot to divorce in .03 seconds, by the way?) “Have more respect for me! Have some empathy! It’s not all about YOU!” huffs Ramona, having reached the full range of her vocabulary for the evening.
That’s all Bethenny needs to hear to make her decision. She does not need a lifeline, she does not need to phone a friend. This is her final answer. “I take it back. I do not want you to come on the trip,” she deadpans. This Ramona, right here, is not an business excursion-friendly guest. She is barely a public toilet-friendly guest. But Ramona does not accept the breakup! She claims it’s a group trip, so she’s COMING! She won’t go on the excursion, but she’s coming to Mexico whether these b*tches know it or not!
Now attempting to cry, Ramona takes Bethenny on her special ride, going from cozy to crazy to sappy to scary and back again. She doesn’t understand Bethenny and never will, calling the two of them “oil and vinegar” – bottles of which are conveniently placed literally on the table as an object lesson. Although she meant “oil and water,” Ramona is sticking to her malapropism and that’s that. Bethenny doesn’t understand why Ramona wants to get inside her head and rekindle a friendship when she doesn’t even like her?
No matter, for they agree to disagree (like, for LIFE) and just deal with each other on the trip without saying nasty things. Plus, Ramona will just stow away in Sonja’s tattered carry-on and punch every TSA agent in the throat who confronts her anyway. So. After the nightmare ends, the table wonders if they can now make eye contact with Bethenny? And whether Ramona is coming? The answers are yes and yes. But both have major strings attached.
Sometime later, we are treated to Ramona in the gym. Since she’s got some pent up rage to take care of, Ramona goes for a workout to counter the gallons of wine she drinks nightly. She regales the poor trainer with tales of her dating life, which includes meeting dudes who like to be watched in bed. Annnnnd set! Thank god that’s done.
Out for drinks, Carole, Adam, and poor schmuck Scott (Tinsley’s blind date) wait for Tins to arrive. Carole briefs him on the particulars, which include the fact that Tinsley drinks a lot. (!!!) Scott seems amused. He’s even more amused when Tinsley arrives, talks endlessly about her ex-husband, downs some Tito’s, then eventually pulls him in for a kiss. “What can I say?” ponders Tinsley, “I love to kiss!” She also likes to drink because it makes her more “of herself,” which she states plainly, sending red flags up in every direction.
Carole and Adam look on, wondering when they went from that kind of intensity to sexy salads and litter boxes? Tinsley may be a hot mess, but at least she’s getting some action! Tinsley is enamored with Scott, who’s checking all of her boxes. He likes the pool, he works in tech, and he’s into Tito’s. Also, she’d like a side of paid-for mortgage with this man, please.
Okay – time to pack for Mexico! The ladies assemble everything they’ll need down South, including ponchos, statement necklaces, and drugs. Dorinda’s chill about the trip, but Ramona is still tweeking out, which she admits to Dorinda on the phone. But she’s not going to let Bethenny rain on her crazy parade! And she’s got a mean macrame bikini ready to stomp-walk around the pool in. So, let’s get these b*tches to Mexico, already! Woot woot! I can’t wait.
TELL US: IS TINSLEY LOOKING FOR A SAVIOR? WHAT’S UP WITH RAMONA INVITING HERSELF ON THE TRIP? WHAT DO YOU HOPE GOES DOWN IN MEXICO?
Photo Credit: Bravo
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