Vanderpump Rules Reunion Part 1 Recap: I Love Sober James

It’s official – sober James Kennedy is most definitely the world’s greatest DJ/reality TV villain/v-neck shirt wearer/bitchy uptight man child. And on part one of the Vanderpump Rules reunion it was most certainly James who won the night for me. Also Lala Kent came back, and it went well! So far…

First, priorities: we must delve into the wardrobe atrocities that always dominate these things. In this category Brittany Cartwright, bless her heart, was the worst offender. She was wearing what looked like a prom dress turned into stripper stage wear – clearly a Pinterest hack gone wrong.  Actually Brittany’s dress kinda looked like one of Katie Maloney‘s bridesmaids dresses.

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Tom 1 had too much makeup on, but he was probably using waterproof to withstand the tears from his breakdowns. Ariana Madix‘s dress reminded me of the labyrinth (in dyeable form), but her hair was too lion’s mane. Also, I kinda miss Kristen Doute‘s old face (did her lips get bigger again?!). In fact, Andy Cohen completely overlooked greeting Kristen. Probably because he couldn’t pick her out of the crowd. Until she opens her mouth – then it’s same old Kristen! I do like Scheana Marie‘s new hair. There – I’ve said something nice, now I can move on to snarking again.

RELATED – Scheana & Her Crop Top Vacation With Her New Man

Ugh – so Katie is still insufferable. Of course. Even though she apologized to Lala later. Stassi Schroeder is still Katie’s boss-lady, masquerading as Katie’s no. 1 fan grrrrrrl. I mean, let’s be honest not even Tom 2 is Katie’s fan. Katie and Stassi are like what came first: the chicken or the egg. Did Stassi start bossing Katie first, and then suck up to her to get back on the show; or did Stassi suck up to Katie in order to covertly boss her around. Whatever happened in whatever order, they’re both actually insufferable.

Since this is Part 1 we must dredge through dramas we don’t even remember, like if Kristen went down on Brittany while Jax Taylor was at work, and Carter was passed out on the sofa. Brittany insists it was just a “stupid kiss” but Jax, beacon of honesty, insists he knows what he saw. Let’s just put it this way – taken straight from the DJ’s mouth, “Kristen likes getting with people when her boyfriend’s, like, in the other room. Third times a charm!” (cause the other two times… would be Jax and James!).

James marvels, bonding with Jax, that Kristen has slept with every guy on that side of the room. I truly don’t care who Kristen sleeps with, but for HER to call Lala a whore, attempt to lecture James on self-control, or yell at Scheana to own her shit… HA! But, at least for this season, out of the three-headed shebeasts, Kristen was the most tolerable. New face, newish personality?

Did James write a song about Kristen’s shenanigans for his Pump Sessions album. Look – it finally got a mention here too. (Was James wearing the same suit at last year’s reunion, btw?).

Anyway, James – he is still sober. Sassy, sober, and seriously hilarious. Jax has even turned into his best reunion mate.It’s the old Parent Trap trick – stick’em next to each other until they have no choice but to get along. James’s zingers are landing like sharp arrows. He has risen above reminding people to pick up their poop and acting like a turd, to become less White Kanye and more, well, authentic James, who is deeply in love with Raquel Leviss. Even if he perhaps cheated on her with GG and Ellie.

There is general consensus that GG is lying. According to Ariana GG vowed to “f–k or friend” whomever it takes to get onto Vanderpump Rules. This infuriates Stassi, because this is HER group you guys! She owns these people: their emotions, their words, and the size of their thighs and hair. Stassibots: Ho-Ha-Hoe!

Of course, GG is to James, what James was to Kristen. He candidly admits he used her to get on the show! Then shrugs that he would’ve been cast regardless since he was either living with Tom 1 or banging Kritter, and there be a camera wherever they blow. Stassi accuses James of being “like GG,” so he reminds her – with visual illustration – that SHE quit the show, then came crawling and groveling back by being Katie’s sycophant. No one could do anything but laugh at this hilarious (but true) point.

So let’s talk Scheana and Shay. Shay is absent (from this portion), and they haven’t spoken since filming wrapped! Lisa Vanderpump never approved of the marriage, and thinks Scheana should’ve had a prenup. To Scheana’s credit – in a moment that shocked me – she doesn’t regret it because in her heart she believed Shay was forever. Maybe Scheana was displaying all those wedding photos because she’s basically a teenager in love, and in that adolescent way, did love Shay… Was she trying to Carebear Stare Shay into loving her? The subtext here is that Scheana doesn’t live in reality. She lives in a cartoon universe, and at 32 is still crying about wanting peer mediation to get along with the mean girls. Time to close the burn book and open the DSM-5 (Aka: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition).

Scheana actually argues that she was ‘mean girled’ into mean girling Lala. And on that note, I did appreciate that Kristen told her to “own her shit.”

Poor Scheana. It was a tough year. Not only did her marriage crumble, she also lived in fear of her friend group. Are these people like a cult?! She was afraid to say or do anything that wasn’t in line with the Three-Headed Shebeasts, and complains that they bully her.

Moving on to PRIDE, Lisa is proud that Tom, Jax, and Ariana rallied and came to work to support the community. Even if Katie and Stassi thought they were partying instead of mourning a tragedy. They were home “sobbing,” but Tom and Ariana (aka T&A) were showing T&A on the bar, pouring shots – how dare they! Katie sent a text yelling about inappropriate behavior on what should’ve been a day of sorrow. Ironically Katie was probably drunk when she sent that text. Even Tom 2 called her texts, “in very poor taste.”

In response Ariana explains what it means to be an ally, and it seriously never occurred to Katie or Stassi that Pride isn’t about them. Like, huh?!

Well on the positive, Katie and Tom do seem happier! Married life is treating them well, and that Tom’s d-ck now works. For conformation – ask Jax. Or Lala. Since Jax is putting the “Q” in LGBTQ by questioning everything.

And now the Lala portion of the show. Well, she looks beautiful, and I still adore Lala. Her makeup was much improved from last season, as was her attitude. Katie and Lala argue about why they hate each other and who hated first. Tom 1 and James maintain that Katie had a vendetta against her from the very first moments she walked through the door, but Katie refuses to take any “accountability” (big words from Tom 1. Is he taking adulting vocabulary 101 at the Learning Annex?) for her role in the drama.

And with spring in the air, who wants to talk summer bodies?! Katie is still furious over being called fat. In an impassioned speech she proclaims to be well-aware that her clothes don’t fit, and of gaining weight, and that her body is different, which she’s unhappy about. Lala supposedly knew this. All’s fair in war and reality TV, right?!

Lala agrees her mouth is “vicious” when provoked, and Tom 2 remarks that Katie and Lala actually have a lot in common! Like – Lala does not deserve that. SCHEANA (now not afraid of her “friends” since she has Ariana again) defends Lala and points out that Stassi called her and Kristen anorexic. But you guys – that was “a compliment”, not body shaming!

This reunion was actually a day of reckoning for Stassi. (Another one.) She was dredged, floured, and fried in her own hypocrisy and by the end was looking pretty damn crispy. Stassi yelled at Lala for calling herself the star of the show – which duh, as Schenaa pointed out, Stassi has done about 3 zillion times. Stassi is furious that anyone would imply Katie follows her only to have even Andy point out while it was happening at the reunion! Stassi is angry because Lala snarked on her age and weight, when Ariana reminded her that she has called LVP old, and called Kristen and Scheana anorexic.

Apparently Scheana used to have an eating disorder, something Stassi was supposed to be aware of. Instead Stassi offers to give Scheana lessons in how to fatten up. Why? So she can stuff her in an oven like a good wicked witch?

Finally Tom 1 had one of his emotional meltdowns, which I adore. He really is the champion of the underdog – unafraid to be his own man-child – and called out Katie for provoking Lala yet for refusing to admit how awful and nasty her words can be. Especially when she gets together with Stassi and Kristen, who enabled her bad behavior all summer.

Katie gave Lala what seemed like a sincere apology, and explained that she was projecting her unhappiness with her body image, her life, and the problems she was having with Tom, and when Lala apologized she wasn’t ready to accept. Also she hated seeing herself look like such a bitch on TV. Basically Lala’s words just hit too close to SUR home. I might believe Katie was sincere except this happened like a month ago. Whatever – it was a nice moment.

Stassi still won’t be Lala’s friend though. She has standards (sarcasm).

Lala accepted Katie’s apology, and apologized as well. So Katie and Stassi quickly turned their blame to Scheana, who started being nice to Lala before they deemed it acceptable. Like when Scheana’s back-alley fake apology at SUR after LVP asked her to make peace.

Poor Scheana – it’s so hard to be afraid of your friends. Which is why Ariana has no interest in being friends with these people – instead she spends her time perfecting a Stassi impersonation.

Luckily Tom 1, again, explained to the Three-Headed Shebeasts that they are mean, and everyone fears their groupthink hijacking everything with an “eruption of chaos.” Case in point: As soon as Schenaa asserts herself as being “nervous” to have a differing opinion or get bullied, Katie, Kristen, and Stassi simultaneously yell, “It’s not about that!” Andy and James make eye contact and laugh.

James says Brittany is her “own woman,” and the only one allowed to go her own way unscathed. Perhaps because they pity her being stuck with Jax? Or cause she seems so sweet no one could get mad at her (except Jax). Brittany explains that that the Three-Headed Shebeast really is horrid to Scheana, her closest friend in LA, and it’s hard to see them treat Scheana so callously. Yes – Lala and Brittany defend Scheana – which is hilarious, considering they’re so much younger, yet lightyears more mature.

That’s why Ariana wants nothing to do with Stassi and her silly attempts at manipulative micromanagement. Too bad Scheana can’t figure that out for herself!

Ariana and Tom 1 are hilarious – he’s like the group counselor, and she’s the professor. Like explaining about how being an ally to the LGBTQ works. Or friendship. And with that, we close in preparation for part 2.

RELATED – Tom & Ariana Become One In Business

In random tidbits: I love the cooks

Also Jax and Brittany got evicted-not-evicted after he threw a tantrum about their apartments AC unit leaking, and now they live down the hall from Katie and Tom 2. Katie is not happy with Jax being so close, yet she brought Stassi on her honeymoon. So she’s allowed all the Sister Wives she wants, but Tom 2 can’t have his bromances?

TELL US – DO YOU LOVE SOBER, SASSY JAMES KENNEDY TOO? WAS KATIE’S APOLOGY TO LALA SINCERE? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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