Real Housewives Of Atlanta Recap: Scrambled Eggs

What the hell was going on last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta? That was the weirdest episode ever!

For some odd reason Cynthia Bailey decides to have a ‘Starting Over’ party in the office of a boob doctor and have her implants checked for an expiration date. The ladies of Real Housewives have done a lot of weird things in a plastic surgeon’s office, and they’ve had a lot weird versions of starting over/Tru-Renwal parties, but this one was by far the strangest. The whole cast showed up, dressed to the nines, to cram into a little exam room, screech over Cynthia’s boobs, and then watch the doctor diagnose them unevenly hard, but still usable. Not a very dignified way to start over.

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It involved a lot of women screaming “Titties!” and also Kenya Moore denying that anything on her body is fake. Like, OK…

It was all very awkward and unprofessional. And I don’t know if I’d trust any type of plastic surgeon that has “Curve King” written in huge italicized Arial font on the wall of his lobby, or allows his office to be turned into a really strange strip club/desperately single ladies party. The the doctor may have told Cynthia her implants were fine just so he would never have to hear Phaedra Parks cackle “TITTIES” again.

Oh man, speaking of Phaedra, there is serious weirdness between Phaedra and Kandi Burruss. Kandi must be super upset, because she didn’t eat during her conversation with Phaedra, then she skipped the Taco Tuesday food when she met Porsha to discuss her earlier confrontation with Phaedra.

Am I missing something here? Cause I really don’t get exactly what’s going on? Suddenly – years later – Kandi is furious that Phaedra dated someone else after she and Apollo separated? Even if she was still technically married, the dude had moved out, was headed to prison, was ignoring his family to go running around to strip clubs with Peter, had already seen a divorce attorney, and was cheating. Plus he was creepy.

RELATED – Peter Spills On How Apollo Met His Fiancé!

I think there’s some revisionist history happening here on Kandi’s part, and I also think it’s none of her damn business if Phaedra wants to go into details while she’s in the middle of a divorce. Kandi is also confusing peaches with bitter melons – Phaedra initially invited her to dinner to discuss how Mama Joyce was harassing her, but Kandi decided Phaedra was hitting below the belt and had to finally call her out? She’s also upset that Phaedra made comments about Todd’s finances last season, so now she is accusing Phaedra of having an affair?

Kandi can be frustrated with Phaedra for living a double life, but I don’t really understand her sudden need to expose all this now? I mean, it’s not like Phaedra is trying to be friends with her? She just wants Kandi’s crazy mama to stop stalking her – which seems reasonable?

I personally don’t care what Phaedra did while Apollo was running around in the days before he left for prison. I also think Riley is more mature than Kandi. Last night, Riley turned 14 so Kandi handed her $5k in diamonds with a Publix cake, and then encouraged Riley to go have lunch alone with her estranged father Blockhead. Even after Riley asked Kandi to come with her because she felt uncomfortable around the man she’d seen like 10 times her whole life. Finally, Todd’s daughter had to basically demand Kandi agree to go with Riley!

Kandi is apparently too preoccupied with what Phaedra is doing, or did, and what kind of chocolate she was eating to worry about her priorities, because she spent the entire episode telling EVERYONE about the argument they had and how she called Phaedra out for wanting to get married again and dating someone before Apollo left for prison.

First, Kandi tells Cynthia and Kenya she snapped because she’s tired of being fake with Phaedra. Then, she’s totally fake with Phaedra at the doctor’s office. Then, she calls Sheree Whitfield to complain about how she was forced to expose Phaedra’s chocolate-flavored skeletons. Then, she informs Mama Joyce in the jewelry store, and Mama Joyce grins like a crocodile in one of those Animal Planet specials about World’s Deadliest Creatures.

Finally, Porsha Williams gets involved. Because of some eggs. Porsha gets it into her very scrambled brain that should insert a crystal egg up her hoo-hah to make Todd donate sperm for her ‘get knocked up’ project. This is called “Yoni” and she drags Shamea Morton along too. She also invited Sheree. Porsha described it as ‘light exercise,’ which is why she and Shamea are dressed for the club and then with a crystal egg literally shoved up their cooches they do downward dog in mini dresses. It brings a whole new meaning to “vajazzling.” Sheree walked in during this scene. She pretends she’s on her period and wisely avoids Yoni.

Now Sheree has been ridiculously messy lately. It is she who informs Porsha that Kandi and Phaedra had a very unsatisfactory dinner and that Kandi is telling everyone Phaedra had an affair. It is also Sheree who revealed that Kandi told her Porsha once slept with Block. Porsha denies this, but maybe it’s the crystal egg calling her vaj rejuvenated?

Porsha’s crystal high is immediately cracked by Sheree’s information, because Kandi broke girl code. Not only that she broke BFF, or Former BFF, code big time by legitimizing gossip about Phaedra by gossiping about it herself, which de facto makes it true. Porsha’s high school logic is entirely right.

Shamea isn’t too fond of Phaedra either. She accuses Phaedra of hitting on her ex-husband while they were still married. Porsha doesn’t comment on anything except that Kandi is taking a conversion that should have stayed between A & B and involving the whole alphabet.

Naturally, Porsha and Sheree take Phaedra to tea to let her know how Kandi is conducting the business of their former friendship. Phaedra is not pleased and whispers that Kandi and Shamea have also had sexual relations. Hmmm… well Phaedra did warn Kandi that if she’s gonna dig her grave, she better make it big enough for two! How’s that for an eternity in the hell of your own making!

In the middle of the gossip Olympics, Sheree meets with her interior designer to pretend she’s purchasing $3,000 chairs for Chateau Charade Sheree, which has to be done in 2 months time for Sheree’s housewarming party. Sheree wants her guests to have actual working toilets to use, not the sump-pump hooked up to her double-wide in the backyard. Whoever heard of planning a housewarming party with no house?

Then, Sheree squeezes in yet another meeting about Phaedra and Kandi. This time, she and Porsha meet Kandi at some taco restaurant. Kandi knows she’s not there for the food, which is why she wore a skirt so tight she can’t sit down and ate in the car on the way. Instead she’s there for the grilling. Porsha questions Kandi’s motives for spilling Phaedra’s secrets (or lies) and why she’s so angry. Kandi says it’s about money, because Phaedra was telling people not to do business with her. I mean, really, Kandi? You’re acting that trashy over $15 and a debunked work out video? All this in defense of Apollo? Who almost got your ass snatched by the FEDs? Everybody knows… when you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas.

Proving that she’s not ‘over it’ like she claims, Kandi is extremely emotional over the mess with Phaedra and super defensive about Porsha calling her out. She also outs Porsha for knowing that Phaedra was so-called cheating. Porsha pleads the fifth. Kandi complains that she used to be friends with Porsha, who has now abandoned her for Phaedra. Maybe there’s a reason no one wants to be your friend Kandi…

After Kandi storms out, Porsha turns to Sheree and insinuates that Kandi not only had an affair with Shamea, but that she’s ‘in the closet.’ Sheree just cannot believe her luck – all the sparkling water that is turning into gold and crystals this episode!

RELATED – Kandi Claims Porsha Propositioned Her For Sex!

Finally, after getting her boobs group-fondled, Cynthia finds serenity in her new lake house, and Noelle meets Peter, who she decides must pay for abandoning her by sweating to death in hot yoga. That was the weirdest hot yoga I’ve ever seen, made even weirder by Peter’s awkwardness. Did he fart in there?!

After class, Noelle confesses that she feels rejected by Peter, who is like a father-figure to her. Peter was very sweet in reassuring Noelle that he’ll always be there for her, but that he’s not handling the divorce well. And then he blamed his estrangement from Noelle on Cynthia, even though he is the one who moved to Charlotte in the first place. Meanwhile, Cynthia is happily sipping champs on the lake and has sold all Peter’s glamor shots with the Atlanta townhouse. Or maybe she burned them with her wedding license?

TELL US – IS KANDI TAKING HER VENDETTA TOO FAR OR IS HIGH TIME PHAEDRA GOT CALLED OUT?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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