Vanderpump Rules Recap: Tea For Losers

Get your Tom + Katie tea towels ready to clean up the muck that has become Vanderpump Rules!

Recovering from Christmas and an ultimate cookie binge, the last thing I’m in the mood for is whining from Katie Maloney and Stassi Schroeder. But, alas, I am nothing if not a consummate professional, so I have wrenched myself from the sluggish glut of a living room filled with wrapping paper (how many calories does wading through wrapping paper burn?) to complete this recap. Happy holidays! Katie just blew her life savings on $18.00 custom tea towels, and her life now consists of hatefully glaring at Tom Schwartz while folding said towels into cardboard boxes, wrapping the whole thing with twine, and mailing it. In case you were wondering wtf: that’s her wedding invite.

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Compiling the invites is so labor intensive, Katie’s mom and grandma are in town to help cobble this ridiculous thing together. Tom 2 dips out to plan a trip to NASCAR. No doubt he’s trying to figure out the best way to speed right out of this wedding and do so with lightning, sparkles, and pissing Tweety bird t-shirts!

Luckily, Stassi and Kristen Doute stop by to complain about the all-horrible Scheana Marie. I mean…I get it, but love the one you’re with (unless you’re with Katie – then question it!).  Stassi is also bitter about the $18 tea towels, mostly because she’s now sans-Patrick and the only thing that towel will be doing is wiping up her tears as she’s forced to bring her little brother as a date to Katie’s wedding.

Later, when Katie shows the invite to Lisa Vanderpump, Lisa sort of flips through it, perplexed, while trying not to laugh. Instead, she scoffs that Stassi is ruining Katie (again) and re-transforming her into the mindless mean girl no one could stand. Katie sulks, pouts, and snaps that Lisa is insulting because she so-does have a mind of her own. And with that mind she is choosing to blame Scheana for the fact that Tom 2 doesn’t seem to want to get married.

And Scheana is more confused than ever about what she’s supposedly done wrong. She’s so mixed up, she even turns to Shay for advice! She stares at him with confusion while he explains that her friends are bullies and she should dump them.

Luckily, Scheana can always turn to her enabling mommy for some real, solid advice. Scheana’s mom is very worried she may not only be kicked out of Montauk, but also out of Katie’s wedding – the horror! – and she lectures Scheana to make everything right before it’s too late! This explains so much about Scheana.

RELATED – Stassi, Katie, & Kristen Insist They’re Not Mean Girls!

Kristen diagnoses that Scheana isn’t fake, she’s just so image-conscious she’ll do anything to make people like her, including Skinemax adult movies.

Can I interrupt this recap to complain about the nails on these girls? I mean, what are those grotesque witches talons they’re all jabbing in everyone’s faces. How are those nails-as-weapons even legal? Just barf. Chief offender is Lala Kent.

Oh Lala – apparently her Range Rover is the most exciting thing to happen at SUR since Lisa discovered what frying goat cheese does to the intermittently single girl’s soul.

Now, even Peter (SWOON), who can hear much better now that his hair isn’t covering his ears, has heard that Lala’s married man bought her the car. Even Lisa sizes up Lala’s Loubs and her designer purses and starts to speculate just what kind of relationship this girl is in. Except, Lisa brushes it aside using Katie’s tea towel as Lala wanting to be provocative.

But, um,  why do these people care? Like 3/4 of the girls who work at SUR are probably doing the same thing Lala is. Stassi even admitted if she could convince a rich guy to date her she’d do it, for air conditioner alone probably! I’m more concerned about Lala’s abuse of makeup than I am about anything else she’s doing. I swear, that girl got a Fisher-Price My First Makeup Kit and is just smearing the damn stuff all over her face to see what sticks. Lala – your face is supposed to be the same color as the rest of your skin. #HelpfulHints

Back to the Three-Headed SheBeast that is Stassi, Kristen, and Katie – Stassi still doesn’t believe she did or said anything to Scheana and warns that it had to all be said for fear of a drunken outburst in Montauk. Oh, and they’re also gonna be livid if Scheana bails on Montauk – cause how dare she?! Because god forbid anyone corrupt the preppy stripes and lobster patterns of such a classy vacation destination with lowly drunken meltdowns! Speaking of, I don’t know if Kristen can find Montauk on a map, which means she may get lost and wind up vacationing in Montana. Or Atlantic City, which is more her speed anyway.

Kristen does manage to find Jax Taylor at boxing class. She’s presently annoyed at how boring her grown-up relationship with Carter is. She just pines for the wily, unpredictable ways of Jax. She and she alone. Except Jax may be semi-maturing as he talks Kristen through the reasons Scheana’s feelings have been hurt by the Three-Headed SheBeast Of Sur.

Perhaps his life is flashing before his eyes because poor Jax is about to undergo a mastectomy. OK, I don’t know what was going on in his chest, but apparently his moobs had some sort of supplement build-up from the fake testosterone counter-acting with all the alcohol he’s consuming through vodka and there was a bad reaction that caused lumps? Now his chest is all full of hardened plastic goop. Is it just the corroded fake insides of his soul hardening?

Obviously, Jax has no plans to stop drinking or supplementing, and Brittany Cartwright – or rather Brittany’s hooters – are there to play nursemaid post-surgery. Jax lays on the sofa moaning and groaning until the Toms arrive with presents – then it’s all ZING! I feel better presents! presents! presents! They appropriately give him a Hooters T-shirt.

Jax is also preoccupied with his upcoming trip to Napa Valley for Ariana Madix‘s birthday because duh, duh, duh…. LALA will be there! And I mean, how will he ever manage to survive a few days with a person of such questionable, unconscionable behavior?!

RELATED – STASSI COMPLAINS THAT LALA IS THE STAR OF THE SHOW!

Since this episode was all about mommies, Stassi’s also appeared. She’s bossy and wine-sucking too. First, Stassi’s mom yells at her for being too poor for an apartment with AC. Then, when Stassi confesses that she thinks this time she’s like for-realz broken up with Patrick, her mom sort of shrugs and sips her wine. She’s convinced they’ll get back together again, because Stassi needs a date for that wedding.

Alas, no one’s life is more in shambles than James Kennedy‘s. Since being fired, he’s landing better and hotter DJ gigs, has the hot L.A. girlfriend every man considers the ultimate accessory, and he’s been sober for one week. But still something is missing… That something is the loving chastisements of Lisa. He finds her at SUR to grovel for his job back, but she rips him a new one about being an arrogant, unapologetic ass and toxic presence whom she doesn’t want around. She also says he should probably stop thinking this DJ thing is a good idea because he SUCKS.

Dejected, James is forced to slink out past the infamous dumpster so his Baby Beamer can encase the smithereens of his fragile ego, like a turtle shell for arrogant, elitist pricks.

Finally, everyone who was invited, jets off to Ariana’s birthday trip. Last minute it is revealed that Tom 1 rented an RV and that Katie has allowed Tom 2 to attend this trip even though Lala is on the guest list. Hmmmm… so curious. So Scheana isn’t even allowed to look at Lala, or offer a pathetic apology, but Tom 2 can vacation with her? Shouldn’t Katie be more concerned – after all Lala is convinced she can make Tom’s d–k work, right!? Perhaps Katie is more worried about tea towels and Stassi’s opinion.

Luckily for all involved, Lala bails at the last minute. Everyone is at the airport, even Jax and Brittany were willing to chuck their morals to associate with Lala on this trip, but she never appears and they board the plane without her. Tom 1 is pissy, but Ariana is predictably impassive.

This must be where Lala quit mid-season. Poor Scheana – she so could’ve had that NASCAR spot!

TELL US – SHOULD SCHEANA MAKE AMENDS WITH STASSI AND KATIE? DID LALA DO THE RIGHT THING IN BAILING ON SUR AND THE TRIP?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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