Big Brother Global: Real Housewives Of Atlanta Recap: Things Are About To Blow

Monday, December 5, 2016

Real Housewives Of Atlanta Recap: Things Are About To Blow

Phaedra & Porsha DNC

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta blew things up – pun intended! – from imploding relationships, to actual bomb threats, and in between, a political message.

Phaedra Parks is headed to the DNC, accompanied by Porsha Williams. Porsha explains that politics is in her blood because her grandfather was legendary civil rights leader Hosea Williams. Are we sure they’re related? I mean, Porsha thought the underground railroad was Atlanta’s mysterious subway which transported people to a safe-haven called The Mall Of America.

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Since Phaedra is deeply-steeped in political connections, she will also be planning an activism meeting with her mentor, Congresswoman Frederica Wilson. Plus her hat. Sparkles and all. I applaud this woman for being the Dolly Parton of Capital Hill and demonstrating that a little sequin gets the job done!

Of course, there’s another reason Phaedra is venturing to Philly – it’s to mitigate the politics of divorce. She plans to pay estranged and incarcerated hubby Apollo a visit in the clink to try and convince him to sign those divorce papers. Afterwards, she’ll be soliciting Porsha to find her a date, followed by a full-body massage with happy ending. Maybe Mama Joyce is better equipped to handle such requests?

Kandi Burruss also got a happy ending! First, Peter reappeared in Atlanta to counsel her and Todd on how to run a successful bar and restaurant. I’m not sure how he knows the things, but, those that can’t do teach, right?! Peter and Todd showed unity by both wearing pink shirts paired with too tight pants. It’s hard to be in the shadows of a boss bitch baller millionairess who keeps you tethered to her designer pocketbook strings. Maybe Todd and Peter chose pink to represent their support for the Trophy Husbands Club. Series coming soon to the Hallmark Channel.

Peter does offer some advice in an area he’s familiar with: failures. Failed marriages, specifically! He warns Todd that too much working with Cynthia Bailey, left too little play time, which ultimately split them apart. In response, Todd looks around the dirt lot covered with debris and dumpsters and muses that he misses Apollo.

Kandi & Todd's Romance

Then Mama Joyce surprises Kandi and Todd by showing up to babysit and staging a romantic surprise in the guest house. She shades that Kandi works so hard and deserves her sex slave to lavish her… and Todd, well let’s hope he doesn’t drink the poisoned champagne and come down with some explosive diarrhea. I fast forwarded through all of this the moment I saw Todd holding up furry handcuffs. I certainly fast forwarded through Kandi lolling on a massage table, probably on loan from Apollo’s Future Feds Collection. Apparently, Kandi threw her back out, so thanks for nothin’ Mama Joyce! Also, that is no way to advertise Bedroom Kandi.

Sheree lectures Kairo

Sheree Whitfield is trying to convince Bob to back her up in the parenting department. Their son, Kairo, aged 19, smoked some pot with friends, got pulled over for an expired tag, and ended up in jail with a DUI. Sheree got the call to bail him out and is livid. Because, first of all, he goes to Moorehouse. Second of all, he’s a black man in a world where law enforcement regularly and routinely holds black men to different standards. Kairo is a man of few words – probably because his parents have so, SO many of them, so he basically nods and mumbles while Sheree lectures him on making better choices.

Bob gives bad parenting advice

Sheree realizes Kairo needs a man – HIS FATHER – to explain to him what’s what, except Bob is a card-carrying member of the medical marijuana club and instead praises Kairo for choosing pot, not pills, but warns that rolling joints with the homies is not. Sheree was not impressed. Likewise. Also,About WordPress I was disconcerted by her gingham sweatsuit which gave her camel toe.

Now it’s time to talk about Cynthia and Kenya Moore.

It’s Matt‘s birthday and Kenya is making him a Gucci-themed cake – something to do with a lost Gucci belt and Kenya demonstrating, literally, that she is his sugar mama. Let Matt eat cake. Her cake specifically.

Kenya invites Cynthia to a cake decorating class with her, then informs her that she’s not invited to Matt’s surprise party cause it’s a couples only event. Kenya digs the knife deeper by explaining that she and Matt need to be around positive examples of successful couples. Then Kenya calls Kandi to invite her to the couple’s only ATV party she is throwing for her post-adolescent boyfriend. Cynthia should’ve twirled the word “bitch” in icing on Kenya’s cake, but she and her hair are too big of a person for that.

Speaking of, Kenya complains about Cynthia’s big hair, then rags on Sheree for having “thunder thighs.” Perhaps Chateau Sheree is so enormous to accommodate said thunder things? Sheree looks amazing – Kenya should wish to have such thunder things. Also, first she called Sheree a “hoe” and a “bitch” (and lied to Cynthia that it was Sheree saying those things to her without provocation) – now she’s body-shaming her? Way to keep it classy, Krayonce!

PS – was anyone concerned about the amount of hair-net less hair around those cakes?

With Peachter, Peachter Wallet Eater out of her bank account, Cynthia finally has the money to make her dreams come true. And unlike her fool friends building Manors To NoWhere, Cynthia decides to buy a completed lake house with all the amenities a single gal needs – 6 bedrooms, tons of land, 4.5 bathrooms, and 4,500 square-feet, also ample self-settings. Maybe Bob should abandon his pursuit of moving into Chateau Sheree and opt for Castle Cynthia instead?

As Cynthia is moving to the lake Kenya’s relationship is drowning. She and Matt got into a fight over a #TBT photo of Kenya on the set of a video with Jay-Z, from 1919 when cars were a new-fangled invention, and Matt got jealous. Matt started throwing things and smacking walls, then fled for LA to stay with his sister. Kenya is surly that he doesn’t recognize her powerful greatness as a boss woman A-lister. Apparently he didn’t get the memo that people confuse her for Beyonce?

At the DNC, Phaedra and Porsha take usies, then brag that Frick and Frack brought ‘the back’ to the DNC. Go big, or go home!

Phaedra leads an action meeting

Afterwards, Phaedra chairs a star-studded action meeting to address the issue of police violence within the black community. She makes Porsha hold her iPhone and pass around bottled waters. But once everyone has left, and it’s just the two of them, Phaedra begs her Frack not to let her face Apollo alone.

In Atlanta, Kenya has to face throwing a surprise party for Matt WITHOUT MATT! Instead of canceling, she brought her cousin as her date. Kandi is annoyed. Kenya also coerced Lena (the friend who’s not an official friend) and her fiancé RL into attending. After racing around the go-kart track, everyone enjoys a dusty picnic of chicken salad and Kenya eating crow. Kenya blames Matt’s immaturity for his inability to accept that she is a super-rich superstar, and then compares herself to Kandi who manages to keep her mouth shut – only because it’s full of chicken, and we know how Kandi loves chicken!

Matt misses his own birthday party

Todd explains that he takes a backseat to his wife’s fame and spends her money. Kenya seems to think Matt needs to do the same. While she is pondering how to stuff him into a pink shirt and force him to carry her Gucci bags around Atlanta, Phaedra is feeling the fallout of such a failed plan during her anxious ride to the prison.

Things go from bad to worse when Phaedra’s assistant calls with news that her office received a bomb threat! Phaedra is so shocked she has the driver pull over – on a one-lane road near the prison – while she frantically calls her mom to make sure the boys are OK.

Back at the ATV track, Carmon calls Kandi to tell her about Phaedra’s office – except, like a good game of telephone should, the story has grown. It wasn’t a bomb, it was a grenade. And now the guy was threatening to kill everyone inside! Kandi is laughing with shock, which I didn’t think was the right response, especially when Kenya showed subdued restraint and concern for Phaedra’s sons.

Phaedra's office gets a bomb threat