Real Housewives Of Orange County Reunion Part Two Recap: My Cancer Scammin’ Heart

Part 2 of Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion aired last night. Well, that was a refreshingly light-hearted hour of television, wasn’t it?!

So who wants to discuss THE AFFAIR with Shannon Beador again?

Anybody… well damn, too bad! Shannon and David did a vow renewal, and none of us understand how emotional, loving, caring, amazing David was ’cause the cameras didn’t show it. Only Vicki Gunvalson understands! See, she and Donn did this lil’ thing called a vow renewal, but 15 minutes later, they were divorced and Brooks Ayers had infiltrated the Coto. Empty Love Tank will drive you into the arms of the wrong love.

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I think it’s fair that Vicki gets to “analogize” (word of the night!) her marriage to Shannon‘s marriage. Sure, they weren’t identical, but there are a lot of similarities, especially the public proclaiming that all is perfect when all appears to the contrary. Maybe I’m Unhappiness Shaming, but Shannon simply doesn’t look like a happy person. Nor does she act like one.

Instead of accepting Vicki‘s warning that certain things – like professing your undying re-love or discussing the intimate details of your infidelities – should perhaps remain behind closed camera lens, Shannon argues that SHE did not have an affair and SHE is not responsible for David having his affair. Nor does she have poor self-esteem because of his choices. And their love is reformed to perfect. I’m with Vicki… the gist of which was, Mmmhmmm… mmmmhmmm, okay Shannon, sure! Well, call me if you need a good divorce attorney…

RELATED – Catch Up On Part One Of The Reunion Here!

The woman David cheated with still has seats at the USC football games and sits three rows in front of them, but Shannon has decided she should be forced to give them up. David cheated, too, so why should THE MISTRESS have to stop enjoying her college football? Seriously, though, what is the deal with people in their 50’s spending every weekend at their college alma mater football games? Isn’t there anything better to do? Like, um, err, shopping for doorknobs with Heather Dubrow while she browbeats Terry about his work schedule. Or helping Vicki ship out bracelets from her latest scam, oh, ha – I mean, cancer charity. #FreudianSlip #JustCallMeKelly

Also, Vicki is WRONG! again for repeating gossip about Shannon’s marriage, but Heather and Tamra Judge are amazing friends for participating in said gossip! Oh, Shannon, yeah, keep eating… your delusions. Nope, Tamra never talks crap! Neither does Shannon…cut to a clip of Shannon accusing Vicki of buying Briana’s love with a house!

Shannon denies ever doing anything to provoke her mother-in-law’s dislike of her, and defends Tamra as the bestest friend in the whole-wide world. Would a good friend let you go on national TV wearing a teepee of a dress that makes you look like mother of the bride for the Abominable Snowmonster?

I have to talk about Heather‘s meltdown over Kelly Dodd‘s poor etiquette, aren’t I? Rule #25073: When in a Japanese restaurant, please respect the auditory transcendence of paper-thin walls. Also, Heather was already verklempt at sushi night, because the last time she saw Terry’s brother it was at that very same restaurant.

Heather couldn’t take Kelly‘s in-observance of respect and threatened to quit if Kelly wasn’t fired. Andy aired some fourth-wall footage of Heather ripping off her mic and flipping out to the producers. Heather attempts to explain, in between Kelly’s interruptions, just why she was so perturbed – because RHOC is better than this. Then Heather lectures Kelly on etiquette – again. Um, Heather you have Tamra and Vicki on your show, you ain’t better than nothin’!

Heather and Kelly‘s dynamic is so skewed. Kelly is the rebellious teenager; Heather is the pushy, overbearing mother. They belong on Gilmore Girls.

Heather is friends with Tamra, who physically assaults people, curses non-stop, makes trashy sex jokes, runs around with strap ons on, and is in general conniving and vindictive, yet Kelly’s outburst during sushi night was too much? I’m gonna need clarification on Heather’s definition of “low-base.”

Unfortunately for Heather, Kelly is all out of ‘pologies. She used most of ’em up during filming and is down to her last couple fake ones, which must be carefully conserved and doled out with special dispensations. Ergo Kelly has no remorse for her Sushi Night behavior, especially not for “Bossy Pants!”

I’m frustrated by Kelly’s refusal to acknowledge that her behavior was bad. It’s a shame Kelly can’t eat her pride or defensiveness, even if the ladies provoked her. After treks through AA and Anger Management, Kelly believes she has no issues. She can feign to nonchalance all she wants but she sure sunk to their level. Rather, she sunk lower than most of their levels, but I don’t think we should be setting the bar at Tamra.

Kelly came across pretty bad this segment. I’ve been cheering for her the last few episodes, because I do think Shannon set her up at the 70’s party, and then the whole Ireland debacle, but last night Kelly was so defensive she was talking gibberish sometimes. Meghan King Edmonds tries to gently point out how Kelly lashes out, but Kelly tartly informs her that she feels no guilt after re-examining how the women treated her. I think Kelly could make the distinction that she’s sorry she allowed herself to behave in an unbecoming way. Of course, the other women refuse to allow Kelly any excuse, because they’re using all the excuses for themselves!

Kelly believes she was restrained in Ireland. After all, she avoided “beating the shit” out of Tamra after Tamra shoved (hit?) her.

Tamra blames her reaction on drinking, yet when Kelly tries to excuse her own behavior – at sushi night and the 70’s party – on drinking, Shannon, Heather, and Tamra practically suffocate on their own huffing breaths. Heather lectures Kelly that her pattern is “rage and remorse” but Kelly shoots back that Heather’s is interloping. The bottom line: Kelly will make no apologies for her “natrocious” behavior – especially when no one else is apologizing for theirs! – except in one rare and special exception.

Kelly‘s one exception to her no-pologies policy was to say sorry – again – to Tamra for the comment about her daughter. This was after Heather was called out for making a similar assertion about Kelly’s daughter on the bus in Ireland. Heather apologized, then lectured Kelly about how she LEARNS from her mistakes, unlike Kelly. Uh-huh.

I did appreciate Andy calling Tamra out, via the viewer questions, for the awful comments she’s made about others parenting in the past, also for assaulting other Housewives. Tamra admits she was wrong too, but her feelings are still hurt by Kelly. Still, Kelly isn’t allowed to lash out from hurt feelings, in case you’re keeping score!

So, I am saving the best for last here, and by that I mean Vicki! Woo-Hoo! Well, this was an eventful episode for her, wasn’t it?

Briana disappoints me. I can’t believe she was talking trash about Vicki to TAMRA! Even if what Briana and Tamra said was true, that’s low; Tamra has been trashing Vicki all season on and off-camera, yet, Briana is still conspiring with her? Huh?

Irony at its finest: Tamra still believes she has a right to scream at Vicki for repeating gossip, while she’s chasing Briana down back-stage to compare Kelly to Brooks and announce that Vicki and Kelly are faking their alliance…cut to Vicki and Kelly whispering that they promise to have each others backs. Why is Tamra so concerned with what Vicki is doing when Tamra so-called cannot stand Vicki and wants nothing to do with her? Isn’t she too busy making sex tapes with Eddie to care about what friendships Vicki is making – fake or not? What is Tamra worried may be revealed?

If only everyone could be Heather with her overly perfect life, and no real crisis to expose on Bravo, while the rest of the ladies are sending themselves flowers and planning vowel renewals.

On stage, Briana was kinder and more loyal. At least she loves Vicki’s new man Steve Lodge. Everyone likes him – even Tamra! Shannon looked like she’d swallowed all nine lemons in her bowl upon hearing that Vicki finally met a good man.

Briana has been diagnosed with Lupus. Shockingly, no one demanded she show her medical records and prove her diagnosis. Meghan must have been too preoccupied with exposing Kill All Cancer. The women all looked genuinely sad.

Briana also denied that Vicki helping with the house came with strings attached. Briana, who filmed the reunion after a 14-hour shift at the hospital, works hard – her mom is merely helping her out. I don’t see what the big deal is if Vicki helps her kids with the down payment on their homes?

I feel like Briana has developed a martyr complex, probably a perfectly normal by-product of being a child of Vicki, who has zero self-awareness and is constantly doing and saying embarrassing-beyond-belief things. I’d probably seek attention for being ‘too good’ too, and constantly feel the need to prove my humble, earnest, goodness. But conspiring with Tamra? That’s jut too bad, and Tamra should be ashamed of herself. But shame is only for Kelly or Vicki to feel; Tamra only feels the cobwebs of Jesus’ love.

Of course we can’t let Vicki escape without mentioning Kill All Cancer, can we? What was that?! An insurance product? A cancer scam? Both?! Vicki can’t seem to explain it, but she’s killed all ties! Meghan investigated – of course – and discovered that you sign up on the website to get a bracelet (which was free?), but had to enter your info and agree to accept information about insurance? Kelly refers to it as sales, but Vicki denies that they were fraudulently forcing people to opt-in. “That’s ILLEGAL,” she shrieks as if that proves she’s innocent. Who was donating the money to charity? Vicki? Her insurance company? I thought you bought a bracelet and that money went to charity?

Andy point-blank asks Vicki how she could possibly think it was a good idea to get involved with Kill All Cancer. I mean, yeah… did Brooks (oh, sorry – dingity-ding-ding-GirthBrooksDong) Kill All Brain Cells while dating Vicki? The other women stare at Vicki stonily while interrogating her about the goal of her so-called charity, and Vicki’s intentions.

Tamra believes Vicki thought she could exonerate herself from Brooks’ scam. Like, LOOK! See I would never do a cancer scam, I’m running a cancer charity! Vicki pretty much admits that’s the case. Some advice Vicki: in men, in cancer charities, in friendships, in all things – even nipple reconstructive surgeries – DO YOUR RESEARCH FIRST. Or at least have Meghan do it for you.

Did I miss anything? I feel like I did… oh well, there’s always next week!

TELL US – WHAT THE HELL ARE KELLY AND HEATHER FIGHTING OVER? ARE THERE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN SHANNON AND VICKI’S MARRIAGES? IS BRIANA BEING DISLOYAL?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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