Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Jerkshires

Well that was some kinda bah-humbug holiday spirit on Real Housewives Of New York, but at least we finally met Luann de Lesseps‘ new man. Despite the free love, sexual adventuress vibe Luann has been rocking as of late, she and Tom D’Agostino Jr. seem genuinely happy in a way that radiated through the TV. I’m into it. Has love finally tamed The Countess?

I so wish the same would happen for Bethenny Frankel, because for all her loud (TOO LOUD) protestations that she “gives no f–ks” we see right through her. She is giving so many f–ks, (none of to men) that her emotional bankruptcy is exploding in a visceral and frankly unhinged way, giving her Bitch Tourrettes. I hope Luann gets a trademark on her hair then sues Bethenny for copyright violation. Just for fun! 

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Jules Wainstein, who can be kind of cute and funny and I think has the sort of sense of humor you only get when you know her, is spending MichaelD2‘s hard-earned money on a pair of ceramic boobs from Jonathan Adler. Bethenny is throwing a caviar Christmas party with Secret Santa, and Jules landed Ramona Singer. Since Ramona already has her own line of pinot, what’s left to give her? She has everything she thinks she needs, but none of the things she actually does need: obedience training, or a voucher for 50 visits to a therapist.

Dorinda Medley is still reeling from Ramona’s latest issue with John and she’s over giving Ramona second chances… until the next time she sees Ramona, when her secret Santa gift will be Forgiveness With Caviar on top for Pinot, and a vibrating thigh master for Bethenny – who has everything but positivity (and a man).

Dorinda decides Ramona has a giant “hard on” for John so they need to have hate-sex and get it over with. Honestly everyone on Real Housewives Of New York is apparently in need of a hate sex orgy with John. And now I must die. 

Jules ran from the conflict at Madame Paulette’s – as fast as Luann ran from Rey, her former one-night stand, possible lover, or multiple-night fling with accompanying free trip to Ibiza on the side. The Countess’ love life is a Venn Diagram of complications, which she tries to explain the happenstance of Rey to Sonja Morgan over rosé (on ice) with embarrassed flippancy, Sonja merely shrugs. She’s given up trying to figure out people, including herself. Sonja instead describes the fight between Ramona and John, which was demonstrated through a hilarious pantomime of facial expressions and gestures like a Three Stooges episode. There were waterfall tears. There were fingers flying. There was Pinot in complete denial.

Truly. 

At Bethenny’s the caviar girl is dressed like Elsa from Frozen, which Bethenny does not like. The only Frozen thing allowed is her own heart! Ramona bursts through the door dragging her oxygen tank pinot bottle, and immediately demands three drinks, before launching into the story of how John assaulted her then threw her out into the freezing street with unjust cause and no coat. Ramona makes Carole Radziwill participate in a reenactment, for which Ramona plays John, shoving both hands in Carole-Mona’s face and deploring John as sweaty, red-faced, stubby-fingered, and disgusting.

After Ramona is done leaving out 90% of the truth: how she goaded John, defended Rey despite his volatile behavior, and tried to get him to talk shit about Luann, and was aggressive, Jules very quietly pipes up from her corner of the sofa, where she was biting her nails and hoping her salvia was kosher, that she has a different story. 

At that moment, Dorinda walks through the door and Ramona orders Jules to hush-up. Ramona is, once again, whipping out the Apologizer. I swear she gives out punch cards good for one insincere apology – after the 10th one you get a bottle of wine! 

Dorinda is an emotional mess. In Bethenny’s vestibule, she confides that she’s been dreading the party due to her issues with Ramona, which is becoming like a game of Whack A Mole. Dorinda is scared to be alone and she still hasn’t dealt with Richard’s death – and then along came a John. Basically, all the things Ramona and Bethenny have been trying to tell her. As Dorinda cries, Bethenny sits there, frozen, emotionless, and probably checking her watch.

Yet, Doridna and Ramona both act as if nothing happened, and once again agree to move forward. Ramona apologizes insincerely, Dorinda forgives insincerely, except actually I DO think they’re oddly sincere. Time is relative to Ramona, and in this moment, she meant it. Plus, these two are like sisters and that’s just the way it goes. 

While Ramona and Dorinda can move on over and over again until their friendship is as retouched as a Kim Kardashian Instagram, Carole cannot – CANNOT – get over Luann. She doesn’t want to come to Dorinda’s Berkshires weekend because she’s afraid to sleep in the same house as Luann, who still, in Carole’s mind, owes her endless apologies. Dorinda promises to protect the poor whiddle princess from the big bad countess, but Carole huffs that she doesn’t need protection. She just needs Luann to be vanished to a galaxy far, far away. 

Oh, and in case you’re wondering what Jules gifted Ramona, it was beer goggles with a straw for slurping Pinot. That was the day Ramona saw Jesus for the first time… 

Over at Drafty Mogan’s castle, Luann and Sonja awake in their peignoirs, venture into the master bath to look over their faces, and dismantle the corrosion of the preceding night. At the ripe out of 10:30 am they flounce down to the kitchen with furs draped over their shoulders. These two are priceless… broken in all the right ways. I love them. They are AbFab meets Blanche Deveraux and we should all be so lucky to find a friendship so fun. 

Luann has a new man but yearns to keep the precious, undisturbed bubble of their new love unblemished by concealing him away from her judgmental friends. Only Dorinda, who introduced them, knows of his identity. Sonja thinks Lu has been doing the “Victory Lap” with a different man every night, but apparently she’s been out and about with one Mr. Right for quite some time, which would explain the indefinitely stalled apartment hunt.

While Sonja makes the coffee and Luann locates the smear, she notices that Ramona’s outburst at Madame Paulette’s has made The NY Post. Sonja whoops and throws her hands up in the air with a little shimmy when Luann reads that she’s been name-dropped in the paper. Sonja’s victory is two-fold, because after Ramona HYPOCRITICALLY lectured Sonja for being an embarrassment, she’s the one in the tabloids for being drunkenly ejected from a party.

Also, Luann would like us all to know that Tom does not use Viagra – the Countess is more than enough for him. Sonja reveals that his member would stay frozen upright “like a sundial” if he was on the magic blue pill. Oh these two! They are the sunshine in the black clouds of Bethenny’s morose destruction. Then Sonja dashes off to meet Dorinda for a walk in the park. 

Both ladies are perfectly clad – Sonja with an Hermes scarf she doesn’t realize has traversed into vintage territory, slung over her shoulders, a bouffant pony tail, and some oversized tortoise shell sunglasses; and Dorinda in a cashmere blanket cardigan over slim jeans. 

Dorinda looks great because it’s the most appropriate way to deliver bad news. Dorinda decided not to include Sonja in their Berkshires weekend. With Sonja being in such a fragile place, and Bethenny being so consumed by ragimosity over Tipsy Girl, Dorinda doesn’t think Sonja is emotionally equipped. And far be it for Dorinda to lead a lamb to slaughter.

Sonja is visibly rebuffed, her hurt washes across her eyes in recognition. As an exchange, Dorinda invites Sonja to come after the group leaves for some “one on one time.” A cheap consolation prize. Sonja rallies, because that’s what Sonja does. She shoves the slights alongside her feelings, deep inside one of her very well-used Chanel bags (the ones she has painstakingly, yet numbly refinished with a Sharpie and some beeswax) underneath the torn lining, and sets it on a high shelf in the back of the closet, to be dealt with some other day. A day when the burn of dejection isn’t so acute – when she has a nice lover, who comes to call on the regular, and her interns aren’t snickering behind her back while purposely ignoring the dog poop. 

Truthfully, though, I’d rather hang out with Dorinda one-on-one than deal with that gaggle of cutthroat bitches just waiting to use the inner sanctums of your emotions as a place to project their bitterness, later to be spun into a one-liner and worn like a Girl Scout badge of accomplishment. Such are the wilds of a Manhattan friendship.

Luann hosts a dinner to unveil Tom, inviting only Jules and Dorinda. She does so trepidatiously and tepidly, not wanting to throw shade or bad juju on what is obviously love. Tom is enthralled with Luann, and neither care that he once went on a few dates with Ramona. Even John’s disgusting joke about the Countess being “moist” (which I agree with Jules – that is a word no woman wants to hear) can’t dampen the spirits. John needs to disappear forever. With Ramona in No Manners Haterdise, also known as MTV Spring Break. 

Meanwhile, Ramona is silently fuming from afar. The grapevine, to which Ramona is so prodigiously attached like it is a 5th limb, has been planting whispers about Luann and Tom being an item. Ramona had him first – they went on a few dates! She liked him – he was attractive, fun, witty, successful, wealthy, of age, but now Luann snagged him with her throaty voice and her truly No F–ks viscera. Knowingly, Luann doesn’t expect anyone to be happy for her, which is why she is shielding Tom, who evidenced has only seen the very VERY best sides of Ramona. So far.

Everyone except Sonja heads to the Berkshires where Dorinda’s home is graceful, welcoming, and gorgeous.

Naturally, Ramona arrives first with her dog, who surreptitiously shits what looks like pieces of Ramona’s Hair Extension collection – stringy and noxious – all over Dorinda’s house. Dorinda and Ramona go along as they do, bumbling about, pretending there isn’t an undercurrent of 20 years worth of undiscussed slights writhing underneath the antipasto platter. Dorinda finds the dog shit as she’s opening the door for Luann and Jules. Ramona does not volunteer to clean it up. 

Almost immediately, Luann confesses that Sonja is very upset. Luann felt bad ditching her hostess to attend the very jaunt Sonja had been axed from. Luann delivers this imperiously and Dorinda is not about to deal with the rearing head of the Countesses tarnished tiara. Dorinda stands by her decision, because this will be a weekend of drinking. Furthermore, with all the unchecked emotional volatility, it’s better if Sonja, sweet soft-souled Sonja, not be there for the checking. What Dorinda isn’t admitting is that Bethenny is teeming with vendetta. I still think it was shitty of Doritoes to hoard all the fake cheesy chips from Sonja, yet I’m torn on this one.

Ramona rants that Sonja needs to spend the weekend self-reflecting and going to church, because it’s her own fault she’s been cut from the social roster. Ramona ought to take her own advice, then clean up her dog’s shit.

Bethenny arrives, just as Ramona and Luann are venturing into Tom Territory. Bethenny’s emergence is punctuated by the fact that she is wearing Luann’s hair. A fact Bethenny obviously didn’t realize, and she is proudly showing off what she believed was a fun and fresh hairstyle. Luann, who is more vulterish (yes, I made that word up) than we give her credit for, calls it out immediately. 

This sets Bethenny off. She’s already been gunning for Luann – is it because of Carole? Because she knows Luann can handle it and Bethenny is already riled up? Or is some other reason? Perhaps now because Luann is close with Sonja? 

When Luann discusses saying with Sonja, who really is in a bad place so Luann has been “mentoring her” a bit to try and help her find her way, Bethenny erupts into caustic laughter and openly mocks Luann as “The blind leading the deaf.”

A) Bethenny misquoted the expression, it’s “The blind leading the blind.” B) For all Luann’s flimsy-floozy ways, she is actually a good mentor for Sonja in one very important way: Luann has MOVED ON from her divorce. She collected herself and her alimony, and forged ahead, managing both her assets and her new circumstances, shrewdly. She has not dwelled. She sold her big Hamptons house, her plush apartment, found new friends, decided to rent, then focused on building her own life without living in the past. Something BETHENNY, for all her successes, has not managed to do at all. Luann has leveraged her misfortune into an opportunity to begin anew; Bethenny and Sonja have projected their misfortune as an excuse and burrowed into frozen ground.   

Bethenny rants about Sonja attempting to hijack on her success by using her name to get into the papers. She denies taking Peter to court (which she did). She scoffs that Sonja should call her prosecco “Drunk Girl” and Luann tells her not to be mean. No one else says a word. Luann will rise to the challenge though. She knows the place to hit Bethenny where it hurts – questioning her credibility. It was a low and cheap blow, but honestly Bethenny deserves those.

Bethenny thinks everyone is out to get her. Bethenny is afraid of all the f–ks she actually gives and masks them in scathing projection and deflection by being so mean she unsettles. Luann was caught off guard at Ramona’s birthday, but now she’s emotionally prepared. 

Absolutely Sonja was stupid in miscalculating how Bethenny would react to the Skinnygirl/Tipsy Girl schadenfreude. Clearly, Sonja hopped Bethenny would dismiss it as another pathetic Sonjaism. Sonja did not consider Bethenny making the vendetta personal. This was Sonja’s error, because if there is one thing Bethenny is most defensive about, it’s her business. Which I’ve always found interesting. Luann, who was hurt by Bethenny’s dismissive attitude and sheer meanness, intentionally mentions that she helped Bethenny forge the path to Skinnygirl, by being a small part of its inception. 

LUANN – the brass balls on that one! She went there willingly. Knowingly. Obviously. Luann is no Sonja, gullible and daffy, she predicted how Bethenny would react, yet Luann kept pushing watching as Bethenny’s unhinged rage grew her into She-Hulk. To Be Continued… 

TELL US – IS BETHENNY’S MOUTH GOING TOO FAR? IS LUANN IN LOVE? DID DORINDA MAKE THE WRONG DECISION IN DISINVITING SONJA?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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