Who is Heidi F–king Dillon and why am I supposed to be excited to see her? Because, so far, the only thing exciting about her is how absolutely ridiculously seriously she takes herself by dressing like T. Payne one minute and a Stevie Nicks impersonator the next. I was excited about Fritos though. Because as the ladies of Real Housewives Of Dallas reminded us, who doesn’t love Fritos?!
The episode was not all Heidi F–king Dillon and LeeAnne Locken looking incredibly pleased as punch that Heidi decided to enact a raging vendetta against Cary Deuber for no apparent reason. (Is she jealous of Cary’s yogi-ness?!) Brandi Redmond is dealing with a family tragedy – her brother returned from active duty in Afghanistan and is battling with some serious PTSD. Despite his family’s best efforts to get him help, he ended up trying to take his own life by overdosing. Brandi confides in Stephanie Hollman, who is shocked, but obviously supportive. With Brandi and Bryan having major issues, Brandi values her friendship with Stephanie more than ever.
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LeeAnne and Tiffany Hendra meet Heidi for lunch and, randomly, every 15 seconds or so, Tiffany will cheer that it’s Heidi F–king Dillon! In fact, LeeAnne is such an enormous Heidi fan, she refers to herself as “Heidi Dillon Jr.” LeeAnne is nothing if not ambitious!
Heidi is eating her new sycophant Tiffany up like she’s covered in Fritos, then wrapped in an Hermes tortilla. It’s a dish called “Bitches In A Birkin” – the millionaire’s version of pigs in a blanket. For lunch, Heidi wears a giant gold $ necklace, with a football jersey, and witches talons from the Target’s Dollar Spot Halloween costumes. Each hand had different colored nails. Apparently, Heidi is THE premiere socialite in Dallas. So premiere that she gifts Tiffany and LeeAnne t-shirts that say “SkanksOfDallas” because she recruited them to be members of her Squad. She wrapped the shirts in Hermes shopping bags to trick the girls into believing it’s something worth having. Just like Heidi’s friendship, I presume?
Tiffany has organized a charity event to raise money for Light Of Tomorrow, which provides electricity to schools in East Africa. The event will also give Keith SubUrban an opportunity to get out of the garage and shine his light on Dallas. Heidi promises to attend – but only to size-up the trashy bitches who have been ruining LeeAnne‘s life. Those bitches would be Brandi, Stephanie, and worst of all, Cary. Marie Reyes is nowhere on that list, however.
Exactly what did Cary do to LeeAnne – and how did she become No 1 on the shit list?! Cary pissed off Heidi – that’s what – which is basically like pissing off LeeAnne since they share a soul, or something.
Heidi announces plans to host a goth state fair dinner party – which is basically some sort of immersion therapy experiment to channel LeeAnne’s childhood, right? The real agenda is for Heidi to expose Cary as a “homewrecker” for being a man-stealing slut who cheated with Mark. Cary insists he was separated and so was she and there was no affair about it.
But honestly, Cary doesn’t care what others think, she and Mark are celebrating six years of wedded bliss. And the years have flown by so fast she lost track of time. While in surgery sucking extraneous fat out of some person’s stomach, Cary realizes it’s their anniversary but they planned nothing. Cary and Mark banter back and forth nauseatingly about the sexy times they will have to make up for it. We don’t need to hear their lechery every five minutes – we get it; you’re in love! Cary explains men: “You f–k ’em and you feed ’em. Since Mark feeds himself, I only have to do number 1.” It only took Cary three husbands to figure this out. At least she got three tries whereas LeeAnne can’t even find one victim.
Of course, since Mark only cares about his wife’s body, he surprises her with a new Roberto Cavalli gown, hand-delivered by his personal Cavalli shopper. That gown was tacky and looked like something from a Miss Universe pageant. These two are giving me lockjaw they’re so cloyingly fake sweet.
Poor Cary. Little does she know that with LeeAnne suddenly about to apologize to Stephanie and ‘forgive’ Brandi (only after she learned about Brandi’s brother), she’ll have to deposit her untapped rage somewhere and she’s the only remaining candidate.
Since Tiffany will not relent on expanding her social circle to include Stephanie and Brandi, she encourages LeeAnne to make peace. LeeAnne is receptive and realizes, after thoroughly vetting the financials from Travis‘ family’s extremely lucrative company, that she owes Stephanie an apology.
LeeAnne’s version of an apology is to basically make a million excuses for why she doesn’t “do hurt” and rampage self-help spew form The Secret about the terrors of her childhood being raised underneath the tilt-a-whirl and at the County Fair. Where on EARTH did Bravo find Kenya Moore Jr?! And please return her to the House Of Mirrors. LeeAnne announces her plans to write a memoir, and go on a speaking tour, so she can “save lives”. Not enough side eyes in the world.
Stephanie‘s response was to say nothing, smile vacantly, and nod, while sipping her coffee. She decides to move forward with LeeAnne because it’s easier for everyone – mostly herself, but she’s shocked by how incredibly narcissistic LeeAnne is. Her self-absorption knows no bounds! LeeAnne feels really positive and empowered after her chat with the silent ghost of Stephanie’s attention.
Tiffany is prepping for her event by handling priority number one: Aaron’s hair. Were you thinking he shaved off that dried, fried, over-dyed crispy of a toupee?! No! But he did lecture the stylist that the back was a “problem area” while complaining that someone thought he was Billy Ray Cyrus. Tiffany explains to us that all rock stars are known for their hair.
Tiffany has her own hair raising issues – she asked for a faux-hawk and her stylist gave her Marge Simpson meets Peggy Bundy – yet she loves it. This is what she wears for her Dallas charity debut – because apparently she wants people think her own coiffure is the cause. The event goes fairly well now that LeeAnne is not trying to disembowel Brandi with a champagne flute and drag Stephanie through the shards of glass. Unfortunately, the only reason for LeeAnne’s distraction is because Heidi F–king Dillon has literally sunk her claws into Cary. Worse – Cary accidentally insults Heidi’s age with a joke about how once you turn 50 there are no f–ks left to give about trying crazy makeup.
Heidi decides to invite them all to her “Goth County Fair” for home cooked Fritos, so she can lay into these bitches and break them down to size until nothing is left but crumbs. LeeAnne is levitating higher than Tiffany’s hair with glee at the prospect. At least Aaron was kind. He dedicated a song to Brandi’s brother, which meant a lot to her.
Luckily, Brandi gets some good news – other than LeeAnne’s forgiveness – Bryan apologizes and agrees they need to be more connected as a couple.
LeeAnne confesses to Rich that she’s angry with Cary after Heidi declared that she earned Mark on her knees, under his desk, while he was still married to the first Mrs. Deuber. Rich suggests LeeAnne speak to Cary before spreading gossip and believing the almighty word of Heidi. This is unfathomable nonsense to LeeAnne, who has a shrine in her closet of Heidi covered in glitter and crucified on a solid gold dollar sign.
At Heidi’s Goth Fair, LeeAnne brags about being the special snowflake who arrived early to help prepare. She was literally ecstatic to be treated like Heidi’s Help. Upon sighting corn dogs, LeeAnne is transported immediately to her childhood.
Did this party take place in the middle of the day?! It was SO awkward – even Brandi’s costume as the Dead Rose Girl didn’t cause any friction because everyone is waiting for Cary. Who should have just arrived in a dunking booth. So many similarities between Cary and a horror movie of the same name.
When Cary finally arrives there’s an awkward vibe in the room which she notices immediately – being that she’s a yogi and all. Cary focuses her attention on Heidi’s dog, as if believing if she loses herself in his soft fur she’ll be transported to another world. Like that Disney movie about the shaggy dog.
Unfortunately, Heidi has other plans, and her dog has no such magic powers. Her agenda is to embarrass Cary by subtly implying her sluttiness. Cary does not rise to the challenge – in fact, she beats Heidi at her own game! First refusing to sample the Chili Frito Pie. Then refusing to take the bait when Hedi straight-up propositions her to demonstrate fellatio on a corn dog. Cary sneers that since her huzzzzband isn’t there, she’ll pass. She toasts to Heidi’s attempt to unsettle her.
Afterwards, Heidi attempts to corral all the guests onto the sofas for a “pow wow,” where presumably she’ll force them to discuss their issues and reach a place of sisterhood – aka question Cary about how she and Mark came together. LeeAnne reveals that Heidi is friends with Mark’s ex-wife so she knows about Cary’s home wrecking past. However, Cary decides the “pow wow” is her cue to leave with her dignity in tact! Good for her.
LeeAnne huffs that Heidi was insulted and Cary ruined her party by being snobby, rude, and refusing to participate. Now LeeAnne is collecting tickets to make Cary pay retribution for her sins! “Cary needs to get over herself!” snaps LeeAnne – who ought to take her own advice and advise Heidi to do likewise. Fritos anyone?!
Also that was the lamest slopped together Chili Frito Pie I have have witnessed. Chili Frito Pie is a casserole.
TELL US – WHAT IS BEHIND LEEANNE’S VENDETTA AGAINST CARY? WAS SHE SINCERE IN HER APOLOGY TO STEPHANIE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
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