Last night’s Real Housewives Of Dallas needed a Prozac. Brandi Redmond is down in the dumps because her marriage is basically a jar of Ragu Marinara she can’t open. All she wants is some drama-free spaghetti. Instead, she’s stuck begging, over speakerphone, for permission for her love to open the door to Bryan’s heart.
Also, LeeAnne Locken just straight-up exhausts me! She’s the type of person who demands total reconnaissance of your time as her soul soldier. Once you’re in a relationship with LeeAnne, it’s your responsibility to make up for all the tragedies of her childhood. Tiffany Hendra is in it so deep, she doesn’t even know how to come up for air, look around, and realize holy hell – I’m out here in Antarctica, where everything is as frozen as my Botoxed-face. LeeAnne is just SO MUCH WORK.
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Bryan is an emotionally devoid douchebot, who apparently chews his own toenails off, Planet Of the Asshats style, but other than that you barely register his presence – except for the subtly putrid beer and bastard fumes that linger. I suppose Brandi wishes he were there, but I’m not sure why. As LeeAnne demonstrates – there’s someone for everybody!
LeeAnne is adamant that she’s not having a breakdown, and she swears she doesn’t need help, yet every episode she’s screaming at someone with her intense laser-beam eyes that could probably singe your eyelashes off. When LeeAnne’s not doing this, she’s sneering that she doesn’t “do hurt” or accusing Brandi of obsessively trying to destroy her. I don’t think Brandi puts that much effort into it, but LeeAnne is such an easy bear to poke that after a few glasses of Jesus Juice from her Homeboy, she can’t resist.
Brandi is stuck teaching Dallas Cowboys cheerleader training classes to Marie Reyes‘ rhythm-deprived pre-teen daughter, and pretending she likes it, for the society connection. Or maybe Brandi wants to escape from her poop-stained reality into Marie’s massive mansion, where everything is crisply awkward and no one ever feels comfortable relaxing on the furniture. As Brandi is trying her damnedest to keep her dance moves PG, Marie’s plastered-on smile follows her around the room, perched clammily on a settee.
Marie’s outfits are a conundrum, both cardboard stiff, yet simultaneously droopy. And kind of costume-y, couture according to Zoolander, but unintentionally. Something about her is just a bit too…brittle.
Anyway, after the dancing, Marie and Brandi each rest one butt cheek on the sofa, to tepidly discuss the crazy of LeeAnne. Brandi is also annoyed that she’s expected to refer to LeeAnne as her “elder,” Marie, naturally, would prefer it if Brandi treated her as a peer. She’s the cool mom – look how young and hip her ruffled blouses are. After trashing LeeAnne, they both laugh with this put-on musicality.
Then, Brandi goes where she can let her R-rated hair down, Stephanie Hollman‘s house. Stephanie is redecorating her son Chance‘s room (is the kid named Chance or Chase?), which apparently took months and months of labor with her “working like a dog” via the assistance of two decorators, plus Travis, the overlord. Travis is so patronizing. And micromanaging. Brandi’s husband is worse, but I almost think he just presents worse. Travis presents as doting, but treats Stephanie like the teenage babysitter, like when he leaves the house it’s total Adventures In Babysitting.
After Travis doubts all of Stephanie‘s Cowboys-themed visions for Chance’s (Chase? Chateau? Chatwig?) room, Brandi reassures her by comparing the “poufs” to Blue Balls and grey pubes – aka their future with Travis and Bryan. Over giggles, Brandi divulges that Bryan compulsively picks his nose, but otherwise, it’s like he’s a ghost in their lives. Then things get serious. Stephanie apologizes that Travis was involved in enabling Bryan to bail on the family BBQ. She suggests Brandi and Bryan have a date night and Brandi get honest with him about her feelings. Stephanie is worried that Brandi and Bryan’s lack of communication skills is a ticking time bomb.
In the end, Travis loves Chance‘s room and is shocked Stephanie was able to pull it off. Personally, I thought the “after” looked like a Pottery Barn catalog. I can only imagine how much they spent for that decorator to hit up the PBKids 20% sale and snag all the navy blue stripes and dark wood, then email Brandi to see if she’d sell the Dallas Cowboys star hanging in her garage over the garbage can. Stephanie is annoyed that Travis never trusts her judgement and treats her like a child.
Maybe this is progress for Stephanie, whose decorating skills amount to putting tutus and bras on “Oprah and Gayle,” the samurai statues in her front lawn. The samurai statues TRAVIS bought. Honestly – Travis and Stephanie are the blind leading the blind. He’s a tub of red-faced grunts, and she’s like the living incarnate of the blonde Barbie from Toy Story.
The only person not having issues is Cary Deuber. She’s married to Dr. Mark who wants to dress her up in designer clothes, tell her how sexy she is, and photograph it for their website. At 39, Cary doubts her hotness in this overly-forced self-deprecating way to mask insecurity. Cary looks fabulous – even if the photo shoot was totally cheesy. I got nothing about these two except that they’re kooky, and nutty, but seem really happy within their own kooky, nutty bubble. They love each other and there doesn’t appear to be any weirdness underneath. After they look at the photos and Mark gushes, sincerely, that Cary doesn’t need to be photoshopped – shocking her that a plastic surgeon doesn’t want to make the photos look plastic – they kiss and she giggles about how lucky she is to be married to her best friend.
Back to reality!
Tiffany is married to LeeAnne and all her crazy. After LeeAnne flung wine and glass at Marie’s cocktail party, Marie texted Tiffany about LeeAnne being an emotionally-stunted, attention-seeking 14-year-old who needs therapy and throws fits if she’s not the “most important person in the room.” Basically, all the things Brandi noticed about LeeAnne.
Tiffany pretends she never engaged with Marie, because she would never-EVER talk shit about LeeAnne, her “soul sister.” LeeAnne goes on a tirade to Rich, who encourages her to hear Marie out. Not getting the reaction she expected from Rich, LeeAnne and Tiffany decide to use “twin power” to confront Marie together. These two watch too many teen movies.
They need to GROW. UP. It’s as if, since neither have children, they channel all of their unused maternal instincts into helicopter parenting each other. Wearing what I imagine is their version of business-attire (basically Dolly Parton’s wardrobe from 9 To 5 – one of my all-time favorite movies EVER!), they drive to Marie‘s for the confrontation. To prepare, Tiffany printed out copies of all Marie’s texts, and before going inside, prayer.
According to LeeAnne, God showed them these texts, not AT&T. Or maybe God runs a cell phone company just for LeeAnne? God also saved LeeAnne and Tiffany’s friendships more times than they can count, so it’s imperative that they seek divine guidance before sitting down with Marie to figure out why she might think LEEANNE is putting the pedal to the metal on her drive to Crazy Town.
Marie greets them holding a cat hairball and wearing a wire hanger on her head. Uhhhh… did Stephanie‘s decorator find this and call it Haute Couture?
The confrontation goes about how you would expect, Marie perches,wide-eyed, claiming she sent those texts out of concern. Tiffany clutches LeeAnne‘s hand as her anchor to Jesus, and LeeAnne screams belligerently that Brandi is trying to destroy her with Marie as her enabler. LeeAnne believes Marie is planting ideas into Brandi‘s head that she’s crazy and needs help, and now she suspects Marie being behind Brandi confronting her.
I wonder if Brandi shone a spotlight on just how wacky LeeAnne is, making Marie notice? Marie apologizes insincerely, lies that she never discussed LeeAnne with Brandi, and pretends she hopes their friendship will be okay. Tiffany acts the part of the loyal friend, and LeeAnne rants that Marie is sabotaging her image in the charity world. Maybe the wire hanger on Marie’s head is a transmitter to the devil?! #SARCASM
LeeAnne decides she’ll never be friends with Marie again. Tiffany reiterates her shock that Marie believes she would talk shit about her soul sister. Honestly – “Fi” needs to DISENGAGE from being LeeAnne’s mommy-protector. Their co-dependence is creepy. It’s like they read one too many Hallmark Cards about friendship and decided to just act the part – it’s cloying and seems fake. Tiffany and LeeAnne are going to end up two crazy old coots roaming around LeeAnne’s ranch home, surrounded by cats, wearing matching leopard-print sweater sets, and eating nothing but 0-Calorie Jell-O. Basically, the really depressing neighbors of the Golden Girls.
Brandi accuses LeeAnne of needing help (which she does), but Brandi ought to take her own advice. She and Bryan have their date night. Unfortunately, Bryan looks about as excited as if Brandi informed him the plan was to hit up the Nordstrom’s Semi-Annual Clearance sale, before heading to his funeral.
I wish that was the plan, because Brandi needs a makeover. Dr. Mark should take Brandi shopping! This girl must shop exclusively at Forever XXI. She is wearing a hot pink one-shouldered micro-mini dress from the Vicki Gunvalson Collection For Tamra Barney, Sold Exclusively at Gretchen Christine Bootay, an online and mall kiosk booth providing the finest quality in over-the-hill hoochie-wear, made from 100% hand-loomed polyester. Obviously, Brandi wears matching hot pink eye shadow.
The date goes terribly. In a calm voice, Brandi explains that Bryan is distant from them and she wants more of his attention. He took it as a criticism, when she was basically saying, ‘We love you and we wish you were more present, cause we miss you.’ Bryan has no response.
Crying over iceberg lettuce, Brandi wonders if she did something. Bryan stares at the wall, then with barely-contained contempt, hisses that she did. “It always goes back to something I did,” she whispers. Then Bryan simply stands up and leaves the table.
I hope Brandi had her Uber app ready. And her divorce attorney app.
TELL US – DID LEEANNE OVER-REACT TO MARIE’S TEXTS, OR DID MARIE BETRAY HER? WILL BRANDI AND BRYAN WORK THROUGH THEIR ISSUES?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
The post Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Love On Locken Down appeared first on Reality Tea.
from Reality Tea http://www.realitytea.com/2016/05/17/real-housewives-dallas-recap-love-locken/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=real-housewives-dallas-recap-love-locken
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