Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Bow, Bow, Bow At Me!

On last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Dallas, marital issues caused everyone’s favorite classy lady Brandi Redmond to get wild at a strip club, meanwhile everyone’s other favorite (self-proclaimed) classy lady LeeAnne Locken continued her tirade as a poor man’s carnie attraction version of Emily Post! Now she’s making threats about bowing people. Is this the middle ages? Like bow and arrows?

Brandi’s husband Bryan constantly travels. She feels like he never pays attention to her, which must explain her clown makeup? Brandi and Stephanie Hollman hire baby sitters for a mom’s night out of getting “white girl drunk” (Jesus turns water into wine, and white girls turn it into bad behavior!). After a few glasses of champagne, they invite Cary Deuber to join them. She agrees to “one drink.”

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Fast forward a couple of hours later, the real Stephanie and Brandi emerge from underneath the floral and pastels… Cary shares that although Mark is her THIRD husband (!), she’s never had an official bachelorette party, so Brandi and Stephanie, the Genius Twins of Dallas, decide to drag her to a male strip club, where oh-so conveniently they know the owner. Now it is Cary‘s turn to be scandalized!

After a few “stroooooong” drinks, Brandi jumps on stage to give the male stripper a lap dance. She was so drunk she thought he was actually a stripper pole, not a live breathing man. Or possibly she imagined trying to impress the tight end on the Dallas Cowboys field. Girl… simmer down! Cary is speechless and just wants to retreat to the closet Mark lovingly curated for her! 

LeeAnne gushes about how much she loves Rick. They met through a blind date, but she instantly knew Jesus walked among us when he provided this handsome, perfect man all for her. LeeAnne is gonna squish him and love him right up until he is turned into little Jesus-blessed Rick stuffed animal. LeeAnne actually tells us her grandmother felt ready to pass away after the blessing that is Rick arrived to take care of LeeAnne as her replacement. LeeAnne’s grandmother rescued her from a life manning the tilt-a-whirl on the county fair circuit. 

Pay no mind to the fact that Rick has 2 or 3 ex-wives, and a step-daughter – whom LeeAnne absolutely adores! For her step-daughter’s birthday, LeeAnne is giddy trying to impress her with the perfect gift. She does seem like a sweet girl who LeeAnne does seem to care for. It was nice to see a side of LeeAnne other than Machiavellian Wannabe Stepford Socialitie, who imagines herself wielding the almighty scepter of imperialism over the Dallas charity scene, like a combination Queen of Hearts and Kenya Moore. “Off With Your Red-Headed Heads!” 

While LeeAnne is distracted, Tiffany Hendra, her White Rabbit, is desperately trying to sneak out of her rabbit hole to scurry over to Cary’s house and make a friend. Tiffany admits to Aaron, who went from a record deal and fancy recording studio to a tie-dyed Phish throw draped over a wall in the garage and recording YouTube videos, and is now depressed about living in Dallas where he is forced to socialize with LeeAnne.

Since charity begins at home, Tiffany decides they should host their own benefit concert, which will be the joint venture of promoting Aaron’s music alongside Tiffany’s… ummmmm… desire for attention? Tiffany realizes she’s not that enamored with LeeAnne’s phony world of obsessing about archaic social rituals from a dying scene. Aaron agrees and suggests she find some other friends. Just like that, Tiffany decides she likes Stephanie and Cary. And if Brandi has to be dragged along too, well at least she’s kinda fun.

When LeeAnne isn’t deploying KGB tactics on social control, she’s at home taking “day drinking to an art form” – seriously how does this woman make money?! – and cooing at her dogs. Tiffany visits to hear all the ways Brandi has double-crossed LeeAnne while being molested by dog. To make Stephanie and Cary understand just how damaging Brandi is to their reputations, LeeAnne plans to invite them to lunch for a little Come To Jesus LeeAnne lecture about how to Win Friends and Influence People the LeeAnne way. 

Tiffany suggests that LeeAnne is taking their prank a little too seriously and should let it go. In response, LeeAnne’s eyes flash like a cartoon villain, and she notes a little check next to Tiffany’s name in the tally of offenses I imagine she records in a leather-bound book kept next to her bed. 

Naturally LeeAnne does not support Tiffany branching out and expanding her social connections to include women LeeAnne does not approve of. You are the company you keep! Which is exactly the point Tiffany was trying to make about her friendship with LeeAnne – she doesn’t want to be considered a phony, desperate woman living a phony, desperate life with little substance and a pile of Rubbermaid containers filled with rich women’s stained and tired castoffs, stored in the garage of a drab suburban 70’s ranch home. 

In case you hadn’t noticed, Tiffany and Aaron consider themselves young, hip, hot, edgy, and cool. One of Tiffany’s complaints about LeeAnne’s social circle is the other women judging as LeeAnne’s threat of a skinny, hot friend with the hot rocker husband. Keep telling yourself that! Also, your husband is a Keith (Sub)Urban wannabe Christian rocker who drinks Skinnygirl Margaritas through a straw and needs rehab for his flatiron addiction. 

So, behind LeeAnne’s back, Tiffany reaches out to Cary to film a segment for her YouTube channel, Sanctuary Of Style, which will showcase Cary’s amazing wardrobe. A wardrobe carefully crafted by her overly-doting husband Mark. Well, these two are odd ducks, but they seem pretty happy together! Mark insists on being part of the video too, because he is all too eager to show off all his favorite pieces and explain why Cary looks so great in them. Cary laughs, “If Mark had hair, he would flip it!” These two seem really fun and easy-going. 

After filming wraps, the couples connect over glasses of wine, and shared love stories. Tiffany and Aaron hope they can get together with Cary and Mark again. Actually Cary thinks Tiffany would make an excellent fashion sister wife – Mark can take Tiffany shopping and dress her up like a living doll. 

Meanwhile, Brandi has other issues beside LeeAnne. She confessed her strip club shenanigans to Bryan who is angry and embarrassed by her behavior. Now they’re barley speaking. She confides in Stephanie, who is consoling and reminds Brandi that she wasn’t doing anything inappropriate,  but Bryan doesn’t realize how relatively tame it was compared to female strip clubs. 

Brandi sniffles that if only she and Stephanie could get married and live in a pink house with rhinestone toilets and automatic air fresheners. Then they’d never have to do chore charts again.

That’s not all that’s plaguing Brandi. Her estranged grandfather, who she’s never met, randomly sent her daughters Easter gifts and hopes to connect. Brandi was always led to believe her grandfather cut her mother out of his life when she became a teen mom, but over super strong Bloody Marys, Brandi’s mom confesses that as a result of her parents messy divorce, she chose her mother over her father, which is the reason for they don’t speak! 

Brandi is shocked. When she tells Bryan, he’s indifferent and says he has to make a conference call. Brandi looks mournfully at her computer screen and wishes she could take back dropping it like it’s hot at the strip club. I just wish Brandi would put down the frosted eye shadow and get a new plastic surgeon. Dr. Paul Nassif?! Dr. Terry Dubrow?! Are you out there?!

Lastly, Cary and Stephanie meet LeeAnne to try and work past LeeAnne’s bruised ego and poop-upon pride. Cary has just finished 8 hours of surgery and wears her scrubs. She’s channeling her Dr. Jackie and I love it! She’s exhausted after work and has no patience for LeeAnne’s self-important rantings about how to behave. Too bad Cary didn’t bring some tranquilizers with her.

LeeAnne arrives with an attitude and evidence. The evidence: a print-out of the “media” (a blog) panning Brandi’s hat and behavior, and also the plastic poop which LeeAnne saved (and probably and had fingerprinted by the DPD since Rick is a detective) which she flings all over the table to demonstrate the “inappropriate” behavior of these immature ladies, who do not respect their elders (elders including LeeAnne who is 10-years Brandi’s senior). 

After LeeAnne spent the entire Mad Hatter’s event raising money for charity telling anyone who would listen how Brandi was mocking them by wearing a hat with hidden poop, her poop smear campaign came to fruition when LeeAnne’s friend and blogger wrote a critique of Brandi’s hat, alongside a photo. LeeAnne presents this as proof to Stephanie and Cary  that Brandi is damaging their reputations, which will result in them being excluded from the scene. 

LeeAnne even threatens that if you hang out with strippers people will think you’re a stripper – is she alluding to something?! (Ahem… BRANDI!)

I paused the show to read the blog segment about Brandi’s hat. (Far more offensive is her makeup and Botox). The paragraph under the one about Brandi described a premiere Dallas socialite (I googled her) who wore a hat containing a live parrot. And that parrot POOPED on the woman during the event! See, Brandi wasn’t the only sh*t-head, but at least her hat didn’t contain real poop! As Cary pointed, out Mad Hatter’s is a fun event, not some prissy uptight old lady brigade as LeeAnne made it out to seem. 

I agree Brandi’s hat was gross and immature, but the poop was pretty well concealed so it wasn’t abundantly obvious what the theme was. Stephanie reminds LeeAnne no one would have known if LeeAnne hadn’t run her big mouth! Which is Brandi’s issue with LeeAnne in the first place – her big mouth always needs to be the center of attention! 

Stephanie also defends her friendship with Brandi, who is a good friend. Plus charity is supposed to be about connecting for a good cause, not judgment and pettiness. Cary says they just don’t care as much about what people think, like LeeAnne does.

This infuriates LeeAnne, who shouts she’s allowed to have an opinion and her opinion is shared by the “elderly,” classy women who worked tirelessly on the arboretum charity, which was undermined by Brandi’s behavior which could have negatively reflected on LeeAnne’s ability to raise funds in private by association. Is anyone following this logic? Cary rolls her eyes and reminds LeeAnne that she’s pretending to be someone she’s not – a wealthy woman with a junior league legacy. LeeAnne shrieks in response, “If you bow at me, I will bow back at you!” HUH?!

LeeAnne, frustrated by not being heard, storms out. “I am imparting my information to you as a 411, sometimes as a 911. This is not an audience I’m gonna reach,” she lectures. Stephanie and Cary exchange ‘WTF’ looks and wonder what can of worms on acid they opened now! Someone’s about to get ‘bowed’ at! 

TELL US – DID LEEANNE OVER-REACT TO THE PRANK OR ARE THE LADIES DISRESPECTING HER AND HER CAUSE? WAS BRANDI’S STRIP CLUB BEHAVIOR INAPPROPRIATE? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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