Real Housewives Of Atlanta Recap: Beats Of Burden

Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta the ladies were supposed to remove their makeup to reveal the natural beauty underneath. Perhaps realizing they actually don’t have any of that quality stuff, everyone kept their false eyelashes firmly adhered and batted their eyes shadily. 

Kim Fields is starting to getting into the groove of the group, although they still scare the bejesus out of her with their non-mom lives of Louboutins, Louis, and liquored-up shade. Kim decides to put everyone on the an equal playing field, or maybe get to know them better as people, by hosting something she dubs a “Beatless Brunch.” Everybody knows the ladies of Atlanta rarely beat around the bush! 

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Kim really doesn’t get this show, does she? The point of a reality show isn’t to actually get to the reality of any situation, or to truly form real friendships, it’s to twirl around each other wearing designer shoes, pretending you enjoy each other’s company while sideways swiping to knock others off their game. As Kandi Burruss explained the object here is to try not to get beat, not to take the beats off!

Kim – you may have directed 200 hours of television, but you’ve watched about -2 minutes of reality TV. Do your research girl! Stuff some factoids in that chia pet of a weave, growing to ever-staggering heights, and use your brain! Although I appreciate Kim’s earnestness. I applaud it even. And I also appreciate her no nonsense approach when dealing with Kenya Moore, who is total and utter nonsense. Kenya is literally the Buzz Lightyear of reality – she’s NONSENSE AND BEYOND! 

First Kim consults with her hair inspiration and stylist *side eye* who is also a brunch guru, allegedly, then Kim invites the women to this “beatless brunch” (I still don’t get it? What’s beatless other than a Kim Zolciack song?) with an audio message requesting the ladies leave their lashes at the door to join her for an honest to truth getting-to-know-you session au naturale. Kenya is so not down for this. Actually no one is down for this, but feed them and they will come! 

Kandi is dealing with a staggering reality that can’t be ignored – in a couple months she and Todd are about to have a baby, but they are woefully unprepared. They haven’t had a shower, completed the nursery, or read What To Expect – Todd has been learning parenting tips from Google. Jesus, literally take the wheel and steer this poor baby to the manger where three wise baby nurses will be waiting! 

Thankfully a baby teacher visits to instruct Kandi and Todd on how to change diapers in the modern era. Apparently these two are less informed than the cast of 16 And Pregnant. Todd, still thinking it’s 1950, expects to contribute about 10% of the parenting duties – which means taking over ‘shifts’ at 2am after he returns from the club. No. No. NO! I would put a shitty diaper under his pillow if my husband tried that. 

Speaking of half-assed parenting, let’s check in with Apollo, who is celebrating his birthday in prison! Phaedra Parks helps Ayden make Apollo a hand-made birthday card, then she visits her divorce attorney Ronne Kaplan and basically says, ‘This is ridic. How ’bout he does him in prison, while I do me, plus kids, plus jobzzzzzzzzz out in the real world! Everybody knows fun on an air mattress at 2 am does not a marriage of like minds make.’  

Phaedra also concedes that if Apollo moves to a more family-friendly facility, and if a psychologist signs-off on it, she’ll take the boys to visit him. 

Apollo’s attorney Randy Kessler stops by to hear of Phaedra’s plans. You may remember Randy as the divorce attorney to every single person on Real Housewives Of Atlanta who is not Sheree Whitfield (Boo – there were no 7 Figures!), Phaedra (see above), or Cynthia Bailey (I’m Still With Stupid). Phaedra is hoping for a no contest divorce with a parenting plan in place and Apollo is well-aware of this. Randy smiles his best TV smile and demurs to Phaedra’s decisions. 

Cynthia, in a contrived storyline shenanigan, has decided Cynthia Bailey Eyewear simply MUST have a commercial. And that commercial simply MUST be directed by Todd Kenya and Kim. Working together. And low and behold, Kenya, all of the sudden, has all sorts of issues with Kim that stem from… uhhhh… Twirlandia? Because honestly the Kenya Moore Haircare Haterade (very hydrating) she is suddenly drinking for Kim is phonier than a Life Twirls On plot. I digress. 

Also Cynthia has decided this sexy commercial MUST happen on a beach. In Jamaica. With the rest of the Housewives looking on … shadily. Because this commercial is the start of Cynthia’s burgeoning ‘accessories empire’. Mmmmkay. 

Porsha Williams‘ career keeps improving while her personal life gets sadder than ever. The red carpet reporting she did for Dish Nation during the Emmy’s garnered her rave reviews, which means she’ll have to do even more work to keep her image in check. Which means no beatless outings.

Porsha dropped her phone, cracking the screen beyond use, but can’t figure out to pull her information off iCloud backup. She literally wonders if someone can reach up and grab the cloud. The dilemma being that she has naked photos on her phone which she doesn’t want getting spread around. OK everyone, get off of Porsha’s cloud, just don’t get off with the stuff that she backed up to her cloud. (That was the worst sentence I’ve ever typed. I’m leaving it in this recap to traumatize all of you. This is your brain on Bravo). 

Finally it’s Beatless Brunch time! In Dwight’s voice [through pursed lips]: “A brunch without beats? A lady without contouring? How dreadful… ” Kenya is in no mood for eggs without eyelashes. In fact, only Kim and Sheree Whitfield dared to bare, because honestly who is gonna check Sheree? 

All the way to brunch Kenya complains about Kim trying to control them. Is it me, or is Kenya projecting her mommy issues onto Kim? I know Kim is literally the mother hen of Atlanta this group, but Kenya’s teenaged ranting about how Kim is trying to force her do things she doesn’t wanna do was a bit much. Kandi mostly indulges Kenya’s tantrum, but posits that Kim is comfortable without makeup because she never leaves the house, unlike the rest of the women who practically live on the red carpet. The WWHL photobooth is hardly the red carpet. Kandi’s pregnancy brain was probably dreaming about the chicken she would be soon consuming, so I’ll cut her some slack. 

On that front Kim does not disappoint – she serves chicken and waffles, biscuits and gravy, and shrimp and grits. Also about one piece of pineapple on the side. Kandi just stumbled into heaven (plus St. Peter is letting her on the cloud wearing glasses). Upon arrival Kim asks the ladies if they will kindly check their lashes at the door (literally she had this little station of what looked like petri dishes for the ladies to deposit their falsies). No one obliged. 

Some of the ladies did less makeup – Cynthia, Kandi, Sheree, and Phaedra – but Kenya and Porsha went full face. With everyone already on edge over trying to act natural, Cynthia decides it’s the perfect moment to nag Kim and Kenya about co-directing her eyewear commercial. Then Cynthia drops the Jamaica invite. Kandi – sadly, I’m sure – can’t attend. Since it’s a couples trip Phaedra will have to rent a man from Kenya’s Married African Sugar Daddy Collection – here today, gone tomorrow with a poof, a twirl, and a rentley!  

Kim doesn’t believe in ‘co-directing’, but Cynthia is adamant that her commercial needs A) A real director with professionalism and B) Kenya’s fantastical drama-filled touch. Well, I have no doubt Cynthia will get what she does not pay for! 

Kenya gets huffy because Kim is being “pretentious” and shadily insulting Kenya’s contribution to television history, this is on top of Kim allegedly shadily insulting Kenya’s appearance by inviting her to brunch. An invitation Kenya did not appreciate. Kenya snarks that one-time Kim directed her in something, but Tyler Perry did all the work, so her co-directing aversion is BS. Reality check time: Kenya, you are not Tyler Perry – not wanting to work with you is one thing, taking ADVICE from Tyler Perry on a project is another. JUST. STOP. 

Much like biscuits and gravy are delicious right out of the pan, but once the gravy congeals and the biscuits grow cold they seem disgusting, Kenya is suddenly ‘off’ Kim. After Kim asks everyone to write poems about natural beauty in bedazzled mini notebooks from the Barnes & Noble clearance table, Kenya decides it’s time to confront Kim about her true intentions. 

Kenya takes “umbrage” with Kim’s “beatless brunch”, because Kim is implying the ladies wear too much makeup and therefore aren’t real. And if Kim really wants to lack beats, she should take off her wig and her fake boobs. 

Kim, mid-bite, shoots Kenya a ‘Kandi-look’ that reads, ‘Girl, I am in the middle of grits and waffles with blueberry syrup – how dare you come at me with nonsense.’ Kim denies any shady intentions, and reiterates what she explained in her voice message, that brunch wasn’t about looks at all, but INNER BEAUTY. Since Kenya hates being lectured or told what to do by pretentious people, she administers a makeup history lesson to help Kim understand women’s need to beautify. 

Then everyone left carrying goody bags probably filled with Cathy cartoons, and Oprah-edited versions of Chicken Soup For The Shady Bitch’s Soul, and Chapstick. But beating a dead stallion? donkey?, with one foot out the door, Cynthia once-again mentions Kenya and Kim working together on her commercial.

Cynthia claims she truly believes Kim and Kenya styles compliment each other and they’ll make a beyond amazing commercial. It’s like Cynthia thinks that by saying it over and over again that’ll make it true. But no, CYNTHIDUMB, Kenya and Kim will NOT create “amazing” commercials – they are not like Paula Abdul‘s Opposites Attract video! Except when it comes to questionably big hair. 

Kenya decides each woman will create a concept, then they’ll meet to compare. As she closes the door on Miss WHO-S-A’s made-up face, Kim mutters about how she’s directed hundreds of hours of TV.

I’ll give Kim that – she is professional! She is honestly treating Cynthia’s commercial like a real job, like it’s gonna be on real TV!

Kim meets Cynthia for coffee at the cutest place, with the cutest and most optimistic expression on her face – she has even done her makeup, tamed her hair, and borrowed a Chanel bracelet. Kim brought storyboards and all sorts of concepts. Meanwhile Kenya was no call, no show. In the real world that means, no job. In reality TV that means more conflict! 

Kenya lies about skipping the meeting to deal with nightmare issues at Moore Manor. The nightmare is actually Moore Manor, but that’s beside the point. In actuality Kenya is playing fake-a-date with Matt by having him ‘do construction’ on her house pretending to need a man’s touch. Did she not pay her contractors? Perhaps when Matt is done at Moore Manor he can visit Chateau Sheree. Also, hinting at marriage after a month? Leave a little moore to the imagination! 

Even AFTER Kim demonstrated to Cynthia that she wants to help her shady business, and even after Kim admitted she doesn’t want to work with Kenya because of negativity, Cynthia decides Kenya MUST be involved.

Could Cynthia be any more transparent? Is she hawking shades or reading glasses? Cause we see right through her BS!

TELL US – WAS KENYA OVER-REACTING TO KIM’S BEATLESS BRUNCH OR WAS KIM BEING TWO-FACED? IS IT A GOOD IDEA FOR KIM AND KENYA TO WORK ON CYNTHIA’S COMMERCIAL TOGETHER? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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