Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Lymes Of Our Lives

Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills the seeds of doubt concerning about Yolanda Foster‘s mysterious illness were officially sewn; woven into the delicate silk fabric of her friendships with almost invisible stitches anchoring tiny beads of suspicion into the internal boning of a couture gown. So – is it Munchhausen syndrome or is Lyme?! OOoOH Goody! 

After Real Housewives Of Orange County‘s exhausting and ludicrous storyline about Brooks Ayers faking cancer, I should be bored senseless by mystery illnesses. But! BUT! This is different – Yolanda’s symptoms seem to have a psychological element befitting of an old school Lifetime Movie.

Additionally Yolanda’s motives appear more complex. Could she be amplifying her illness to save a sagging marriage? Possibly give herself a purpose now that her days of a world-class beauty are over? Is it a reaction to Empty Nest Syndrome (do not give Caroline Manzo any ideas!). Yolanda’s Lyme symptoms and the crazy-ass lengths she is going to for treatments seem decidedly elevated from a mere cry for attention. They seem connected to her self-identity.

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Months earlier Yolanda was traveling to Amsterdam and vacationing in Europe with Kyle Richards. Now she’s bedridden in an abject condo devoid of light and lemons? As they say, something in the Master Cleanse ain’t clean! 

And I am here for Lisa Rinna playing the WikiLeaks Therapist, and allowing those lips to sink yachts floating deep in the seas of delusion somewhere off the coast of Canada. As for David – dude – get writing on a musical about this. 

Now for other matters. In Beverly Hills life is only harmonious if you have compression catsuits or mini ponies. And even then there are struggles. 

Take Erika Jayne and Erika Girardi. Multiple personalities are tough to manage – especially when one personality is a trophy wife to a world-famous attorney, while the other personality spends her days patting the puss! I love new Housewives, but a Botoxed and boob-jobbed version of Sibyl?

For Lisa Vanderpump it pays to have friends in high places with access to mini animal farms. After Lisa was unable to secure Rosebud from Ohio, her friends Tina and Hank drove up not one, but TWO miniature ponies from some place in Texas. The moral of the story: miniature horses are not a species native to Beverly Hills. And hopefully one cannot get Lyme disease from them. 

Lisa is overjoyed by the newest acquisitions to the animal menagerie. Her house is quickly becoming a fluffier, more Beverly Hills version of 12 Days Of Christmas. On the 1st day of Christmas Lisa’s true gave to her one pom with alopecia, 2 mini horses, 3 golden doodles… until we get to 8 swans a’biting. 

Unfortunately for Ken it’s more like the birthday (and animal collection) that doesn’t end. When he gets home to the sight of mini ponies he’s speechless. I wouldn’t exactly call it the good kind of speechless. Lisa, honestly, next time instead of getting Ken hay for horses, just give the man a good roll in the hay and leave the horses in Ohio, or Texas, or on Yolanda’s flowchart about Lyme Disease.

Ken gripes about how much mini horse shit he’ll be mucking. As if he doesn’t have enough shit to muck at SUR!  

In Lemon-Lyme paradise, Yolanda has finally been released from her imprisonment in the condo tower and returned to her palace by the sea to fake being in love with David. Seriously – Yolanda describes leaving the condo as if she earned her freedom after serving hard time. Then she complains about being exhausted just walking from the crystal fridge to the balcony. David needs to be carrying her. 

Erika Girardi (not Jayne) and Tom come for dinner and Yolanda is suddenly giddy, while mixing wine with vitamins and colonics. Yolanda giggles and snuggles up to David in what is a creepy display. Can we discuss this? The 40% of Yolanda’s brain that’s “functioning” is miraculously sharp and pointy. And also really good at manipulating. Interesting… 

David spends cocktail hour namedropping Andrea Bocelli because David is traveling to see Bocelli perform for the pope. Yolanda, upon realizing David will be meeting the pope, is suddenly ready to summon all her strength to board a private jet. And just when I thought her brain functioning was improved, she suffered a spirochete setback and suggests Erika Jayne perform WITH Bocelli. For the pope.

Lookie – the Catholic church has dealt with enough sex scandals as of late, I hardly think they need lyrics about patting pusses performed by a woman with electrical tape covering her hoohah. David pretends it’s a marvelous idea. 

Erika is all – side-eye – are we playing charades here with the fake cuddling an the fake career support? I’ll give Girardi one thing, she’s fairly sharp. Clearly her brain isn’t functioning at a mere 60%! Erika was trying to figure out what was being played at – clearly the objective was to play her – but she knew full and well that the nonsense happy couple routine was just that. Just as she graciously declined any such faux-offer to perform for the pope. If David is desperate he should ask Melissa Gorga. 

Then Yolanda tucks her Lymes away and prepares for a 2 week yachting vacation with David in Canada in YoDa’s happy place. Yolanda is excited to just focus on their love, but wherever she goes her Lymes are never far behind! “Home Video” footage features a cheerful Yolanda relaxed, making My Love coffee, yet declining his offer to take a walk because as David knows Yolanda can’t.

Yolanda explains that she got sick as soon as she and David got married. Which is interesting timing. And naturally it’s taken a toll on their relationship. Then our good little Lyme warrior hops into a canoe while giggling over how David is up shit creek without a paddle. Oh, I think he’s well aware… 

Across town, not faking marital bliss, are Eileen Davidson and Vince. Vince doesn’t do confrontation before 9am, even when Eileen reminds him that life with children starts well-before! These two are too normal. But I don’t know if I like how dismissive Vince is of Eileen. I’m giving him a quasi-pass because he just lost his father. And because I’m no morning person either. My family jokes that coffee activates my Beauty and The Beast switch. Before coffee = YOU BEAST (KimKillah voice); after coffee Beauty (Andrea Bocelli voice). 

Kyle’s daughters have a totall f–king meltdown while getting their ears pieced. As it they they were fleeing killer sharks in Sharknado 3. Sophia aged like 16 screams and sobs. Portia, after hyperventilating like Blanche Devereaux, can only manage getting one ear pieced.  

Portia, according to Kyle, wants to be an actress. Kyle sits through an acting lesson shouting from the sidelines while Portia, with her one pieced ear, recreates her best Kyle impression drama queen. In British accent. 

Oh poor Kyle – she doesn’t want Portia suffering the same fate she did when her Mommie Dearest put her to work supporting the family following her parents divorce. (THAT SUCKS! ugh.) Kyle should seek advice from her friend Kris Jenner on how to effectively pimpmomanger.

Kyle loved being a child actress, though and doesn’t feel being a child star made Kim an alcoholic. Kyle acknowledges that Kim always felt more pressure than she did, but Kyle still believes people have it in them to be an addict, or they don’t. 

Lipsa fumbles through FaceTime to talk to her family while they’re vacationing on a lake in Canada (Maybe they could meet up with the Lyme-Foster family! If Yolanda is up to it… ). Lipsa is meeting up with them after she’s done ‘werking’. Working entails overseeing her QVC line and Meghan King Edmonds-ing Yolanda’s illness. 

Ostensibly mini ponies are the talk of Beverly Hills and everyone has been braying for a meet and greet with LVP’s new pets. A select special few receive that coveted opportunity. After dodging swans and hoards of paparazzi, Kyle and Lipsa make their way inside the gates of Villa Rosa. Lisa tucked the minis away and will unveil them once Eileen has arrived. 

LVP complains to Kyle that Kim called Lisa “phony” on Inside Edition. Lisa promptly tweeted KimKillah to keep Lisa’s name off her lips. Kyle sulks because once again all everyone wants to talk about is Kim. It’s the story of Kyle’s life!

Lipsa checkmates LVP’s big pony moment when she admits to questioning Yolanda’s illness. After talking with Loony Lips Taylor “people,” a red flag was raised. Encouraged by everyone in Malibu constantly asking about Yolanda’s erratic Instagram feed, Lisa is wondering about the constant sick-selfies? What is Yolanda trying to achieve? 

Lisa started doing research. First she noticed the discrepancy between Yolanda not even being able to get through a 45 minute visit with Lipsa and Eileen the previous week, then she’s jetting off for a two-week cruise through Nova Scotia. How is it that Yo is well enough to whale watch but not put on mascara?! 

Erika has been visiting Yolanda weekly while she’s holed up in the condo of failed delusions and vitamin-induced hysteria. All capably managed by Daisy, ex-call girl, turned Lyme expert. Yet Yolanda can scarcely read the text messages her other friends send. In case you’ve forgotten, Yolanda hasn’t watched TV, listened to music, or driven in 4 years. [My eye is stuck on side-eye]. 

Kyle remains firm that Yolanda’s issues are linked to depression. LVP remains mum. Lipsa’s ‘thorough research’ led her to Wikipedia, where she discovered Munchhausen. And surprise, surprise – it’s sounds suspiciously similar to Yolanda’s behavior: no clear diagnosis, no treatments work, traveling everywhere for ‘cures’, symptoms that come and go almost miraculously when convenient… Kyle has heard of Munchhausen By Proxy (is that like Drama Queen By Proxy). I think Yolanda has Munch By Proxy too. BELLA. 

“Is this real?” asks Lipsa to the shell-shocked silent audience. Moments later Eileen arrives, and she’s perceptive enough to notice something is off. Lipsa confesses to researching the Lyme, and whines that she regrets involving herself in a conversation questioning Yolanda’s illness. Eileen advises Lipsa to speak with Yolanda directly, and explain. 

It was most interesting that LVP remained pretty much silent. Clearly she knows more about Yolanda than any of the ladies since she has been friends with Mohamed Hadid from before he even married Yolanda. And Yo has uh, well, she’s had similar instances in the past. Obviously LVP is the type of friend who would never betray Mohamed’s confidences, but I’m quite certain she knows much, MUCH more than she’s letting on. Which likely explains all the iciness between Yo and Lisa over the last couple seasons. 

Lisa breaks the tension by releasing the mini horses. The ladies obligatorily run around chasing them through the yard, cooing, and trying not to stumble in their precariously high stilettos. Lisa needs to keep a collection of garden clogs on retainer. Kyle isn’t that impressed by the horses – they can’t even fly! It’s not as if Lisa is hiding the pope back there while he listened to an Erika Jayne album. 

When Lisa and Eileen have gone back inside, Lipsa confesses to Kyle that she’s afraid of the shitstorm she started by investigating Yolanda’s behavior. Kyle and LVP had advised her not to say anything to Yolanda. Kyle reiterates that advice, but even Kyle is savvy enough to predict the implosion this one conversation will cause. Not even My Little Alive Ponies can solve this. 

TELL US – WAS LIPSA OUT-OF-LINE FOR QUESTIONING YOLANDA’S BEHAVIOR, OR DO THE QUESTIONS NEED TO BE ASKED?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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