Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Boobs Voyage

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County seemed to have a lot going on. Tucked under the little flaps of skin were a million hidden clues, and insinuations, and tepidly it seemed like some pretty interesting shifts were taking place.

For instance, suddenly Tamra Judge is annoyed with Shannon Beador. I say suddenly, but really it’s just that she’s suddenly like perma-annoyed. I get it, obviously – Shannon is a stage five clinger who’s hot glue-gunned to your ass like a sequined bikini in a fitness competition. Anyway, it’s obvious that Tamra is up to something big and she’s not quite aligning herself to anyone, is she? After complaining about Peggy Sulahian, she’s suddenly liking her?! “Peggy’s got balls,” Tamra tells us, smirking.

Considering that Peggy was brought on to befriend Vicki Gunvalson and was an early adopter of the Love Tank Model, it’s an interesting play, no? In comes Tammy making a friend quest for Peggy, the girl no one likes, not even the girls who like Vicki.

And then there is Kelly Dodd. What is she up to? Obviously Kelly was up to getting a boob reduction. She went from being “the OG to the OD” as she removed her G implants (!) down to manageable Ds. Did you see the size of the implants the doctor yanked out?! Holy something that Tamra got.

Kelly used Alexis Bellino‘s plastic surgeon – the same guy who also remodeled Vicki’s face. I’m surprised Bravo didn’t force her to see Dr. Dubrow. Maybe saving that for next season?! #Botched.

Kelly got de-nipped and re-tucked, and then sent home to bed in loving, doting, paternal as creepster, Michael. Ugh – their relationship is so yucky. There’s just something … jam-handsy about them. You know, like sticky in a bad way even though they’re trying to be sweet and have washed their hands a 100 times. Unlike David, who doesn’t bother to GAF, Michael puts on a ‘look at my beautiful wife’ facade, and Kelly sighs, remembering her post-separation two bedroom condo in Long Beach as a way to tolerate his Michael-ness. She openly admits to being unhappy, which is why she relates so ardently to Shannon.

Under heavy drugs, Kelly articulates perfectly why Shannon that is spending more and more time in TOTAL FREAK OUT MODE – because she’s miserable with David but can’t stop playing Martyred Wife who SAAAAVED her marriage from adulterous super-hooches, so now she’s projecting all her anger at David onto everyone else. Shannon is ruining her relationships with others because she can’t ruin her marriage to David, and it’s a domino effect. Case in point: Even Ally No. 1 Tamra is sick of her drama!

The interesting thing about Kelly’s surgery is that everyone is using it as a reason to become buddies with Kelly.  She literally had a revolving door of Housewives sycophants lining up holding orchids – housewives who an episode ago wanted to sick a Venus Fly Trap on her. Hilariously, Shannon brought the same ‘get well’ flower as Vicki, so do with that what you may.

Vicki came first, full of constant chatter about her own total transformation surgeries, and filled to the brim with advice. WOO HOO! She told Kelly she looked pretty, then laughed that she was lying. I actually thought Kelly did look good – her skin is amazing.

After Vicki shrieked through Kelly‘s pain killer nightmare, Shannon waltzed in. Oh, Shannon had had a bad morning. So bad, she decided she could actually stomach dealing with Kelly, cause it couldn’t get worse, right? Shannon got berated by her exercise bike for not working out enough. Shannon told David how she HATES spinning, so what did he do? He bought her a top of the line stationary bike which yells at its rider! David is making the bike say all the things he wants to but can’t. The best part is, Shannon can’t ride the bike but is wearing these professional cycling sneakers, which then get her trapped on the bike and she can’t escape. She panics about being claustrophobic. This bike is the perfect euphemism for Shannon’s marriage.

When Vicki paid her respects, Kelly was loopy as f–k and didn’t know who she was. She couldn’t tell if Vicki was Jesus or Satan, all Kelly knows is that she feels damn good, and all her flowers were stolen from the cemetery on one of Michael’s midnight haunts. By the time Shannon arrived, she’s luminescent enough to discuss all the incidents at her bon boobage party, especially all the ways Lydia McLaughlin pissed off Shannon.

This new Kelly and Shannon BFF thing is kind of cute, right? Basically, Kelly is Shannon’s nu-Vicki. Kelly’s all the things Shannon liked about Vicki, without her being Vicki. Even Kelly’s evil past behaviors can be erased because Shannon says she’s “shown remorse.” Well, I think that fake apology was just that, but what Kelly has shown Shannon is that A) she’s not Vicki and B) befriending Kelly is revenge on Vicki. What I can’t figure out is Kelly’s angle in all this?

While Shannon and Kelly are BFF-ing over boobs, Tamra meets Meghan Edmonds for some shopping. Since Meghan wasn’t at Kelly’s Boobs and Balls party, Tamra fills her in on the “stupid” fight that happened between Lydia and Shannon, and calls it “juvenile.” Tamra is annoyed that Shannon wants her to fight all her battles with her, because Tamra is her own person! Tamra echoes Kelly that Shannon’s unhappiness with David is causing her to constantly over-react. I mean, Tamra criticizing ANYONE’s behavior is as laughable as Kelly dispensing heart-to-hearts, but I dunno – those who can’t do, teach?

No one can get over how Lydia checked the thermometer while Shannon was getting heated and declared it “DONE,” then took the crap out of the oven and bailed. Meghan isn’t surprised it came to a head this way, and then has an epiphany that she’s no longer mad at Kelly and owes her an apology for the cheating text. Interesting reversal considering last week she was aghast that Kelly was so mean when Meghan did nothing to deserve it! Meghan visits Kelly post-surgery. Kelly greets her by trying to flash the just operated-on boobs, but then they sit down to rehash how silly their own fight was and vow to be BFFs of convenience from this moment forth. “It’s a miracle!” triumphs Kelly. Yeah, of Tamratic proportions. Isn’t it funny how suddenly these ladies have aligned themselves.

The only ones outside the loop are Lydia and Vicki. Oh my.

At least Vicki knows no one likes her, but poor Lydia is completely in Lala land. Since she thinks she’s LOVED like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and she invites all the ladies to a little party she’s throwing for the removal of Dougie’s balls called a Balls Voyage party. These women will throw a party for anything. Even blowing your nose.

First, Lydia calls Vicki to invite her, because being the good little friend who is not at all conniving, she wants to warn the other women if Vicki is attending. Except Vicki is on Brooks‘ deathbed. She has something calls Influenza B and is croaking non-stop. Anyway, she’s not coming to kiss Doug’s balls goodbye.

Next, Lydia calls Tamra and discovers that TAMRA is actually out to dinner with Kelly, Shannon, Meghan, and Peggy! Oops. Lydia is hurt and asks why she wasn’t invited, so Tamra gleefully blames Shannon. Nice. This was one helluva dinner party, right? Poor Peggy was the odd woman out – and why wouldn’t she be? She openly admitted to eating raw beef on national television which, just, ugh.

Anyway, dinner: Lydia learns she’s off the list but mustered through inviting the women to her party anyway. She then tells Doug she needs new friends; ones she isn’t paid to like, who don’t hurt her feelings, and make her sad eyes swell with plastic painted on tears. Oh, My Little Lydia, it’s okay – you’ll find a little friend to fly with. In the meantime, let’s just hope Doug gets his “scrotox” and his “beautiful, magical” balls look smooth as mochi ice cream puffs. MMMM.

Dinner with the other ladies seemed to be going well until someone somewhere gets the idea to quiz Peggy about her cancer. Shockingly, it WAS not Meghan probing underneath Peggy’s sweater. She’s retired. It was actually Kelly because she’s pissed that Peggy tried to play referee during her party. Apparently, it’s not Peggy’s business to comment on the behaviors of her so-called friends – especially in Kelly’s house.

Peggy has barely concealed contempt for the whole business and starts going on about how she “neglections” the penis gallery and wasn’t in the middle since 5+2 = Peggy In Charge. Then starts talking about her cancer journey.

Peggy explaining her cancer doesn’t make sense. It makes less sense than Peggy’s grasp of the English Language. Peggy doesn’t know what peanuts, or galleries, or sarcasm is. She’s just a big ol’ mess. But I really DO NOT care if she has cancer or not. I do not care if City Of Hope takes out a full-page spread in the NY Times to announce that they have not, will not, cannot, should not treat Peggy, I still DO. NOT. care.

Peggy can have 3 mm of mass or 300 mastectomies or 36 hours of catholic mass in her body. Still don’t care. Sadly, Shannon does. Cause she needs another reason not to care about her failing marriage.

Tamra decides she likes this Peggy who has the balls to snap “NEXT” when she’s bored with a topic; or has the impetus to sneer at Shannon openly then propose a toast. When confronted about being “mean” Peggy shrugs it off and smirkily warns us – and all the ladies – that she’s tougher than she looks.You know, I like this Peggy too. I do not like the Peggy who plays dumb about colloquialisms and eats raw meet. That Little Peggy can stay home. And she better watch it because the Big, Bad Tamra is threatening to blow her house of sticks and stones in.

Dinner ends when the ladies erupt in laughter over Vicki going to the hospital for Influenza B. No one else would ever bother to disseminate between what type of flu strain they have, but Vicktim P. Gunvalson wants casseroles and PINK sweatpants delivered and will manifest Swine Flu if need-be. I do think, in the era of ebola and avian flu, etc. it’s a bit silly for the other women mock Vicki finding out what kind of flu she had. Then again, it is VICKI, who possibly colluded to fake cancer – and that’s what this questioning of Peggy’s cancer is all about: it’s also revenge. No one has emphatically been able to catch Vicki out successfully enough to make her admit anything, so they’re going at her through Peggy. Unfortunately, Peggy gets under their skin like an implant and she’s strangely unflappable in her own way.

What I dislike about Peggy is that she’s insincere. I love her warrior feminist mom routine. That seems genuine, but I’m glad Kelly called her out on the fake immigrant stupidity. Nobody gets an English Degree from UCLA yet can’t understand simple English metaphor. The other thing I don’t like about Peggy is that she plays the angel on everyone’s shoulder. She’s too into presenting this peace-maker act; pure and good, and joking about the girl who faked cancer by wanting to see her flu virus med record. Peggy is just stone-faced trying to bait and switch these girls, riling them up, then lifting her glass to toast, even warning Tamra that she doesn’t fear her wrath – after all Peggy survived non-cancer, a mass of millimeters that were infecting her body like the plague. Peggy acts like a robotic approximation of a Housewife. Like Data on Star Trek!

Seriously – what is going on here with all thees shifting alliances? Particularly Kelly and Tamra. And why can’t RHOC ever let a story line go. Like Meghan said, Cancergate was oh-so long ago? Can’t we all move on?

TELL US – WHAT’S YOUR TAKE ON THE ALLIANCES? IS KELLY BETRAYING VICKI? DO YOU LIKE PEGGY?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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