Southern Charm Recap: Bro, Bro, Bro Your Boat

Is it just me, or is this season of Southern Charm getting off to a slow start? I guess we do things at a more leisurely pace down here. Last night’s episode cut out one corner of the Chelsea/Austen Kroll/Shep Rose triangle while educating us on the importance of bro code. Additionally, Thomas Ravenel hosted the crew on Edisto Island. At T-Rav’s plantation, Landon Clements is playing house while she preps for the polo match. She is channeling her inner Goop which brings a sparkle to Thomas’ eye. His last lady didn’t know her way around a kitchen, so Landon is a welcome change. As the pretend power couple awaits its guests, both are equally impressed with the other. Thomas has a plantation and Landon is a refined hostess with the most. My dog’s water bowl has more depth. I sincerely hope these two actually end up together. They deserve each other.

Austen has Chelsea programmed in his phone as “Dream Girl” which makes him even cheesier than I’d already assumed. Bless his heart. However, Chelsea seems excited about the pair’s first date, and they are two of the least annoying of the crew. Yes, I realize they have only been in my face for three episodes, so I’ll reserve my final judgment. On their way to Edisto, Austen questions Chelsea’s relationship status with Shep. She reveals that they are both from Hilton Head and may have engaged in a recent make-out sesh with Shep. Tonsil hockey aside, she still thinks Shep is an idiot. Shep 2.0 is happy to hear this news, despite the irony.

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Whitney Sudler-Smith sporting a suit from the Colonel Sanders Collection and attempting to hold baby Saint is even more awkward to watch then it is to type. He’s like a finger-licking Sprockets. While Cameran Eubanks finds Whitney’s antics (and outfit) to be amusing, she can’t hide her disappointment when she learns that Chelsea came with Austen. This has to be some kind of bro code violation, right? Her matchmaking plans are being thwarted, but unlike Craig’s legal education, she won’t be deterred. Chelsea and Cameran not only look and sound identical, they eat the same too. As Chelsea licks her fingers (this could explain Whitney’s attire, no?), she asks Austen if her table manners are a turn off. Quite the contrary!

Craig Conover recognizes that Landon has morphed quite nicely into the future Mrs. Ravenel. He joins her with Austen and T-Rav to learn the rules of polo. As the nanny strolls by with Thomas’ children, Kensie calls out for her daddy. T-Rav ignores her, choosing to keep his head in the game by focusing on the rest of the match. Craig can’t believe what he’s seeing. He implores Thomas to go kiss his kids good-bye, and T-Rav erupts, spewing that he can’t please everyone. Craig is disgusted, but he can’t seem to find anyone who agrees that Thomas’ behavior is deplorable. Landon shrugs it off as the difference between Northern/Southern social protocol (which is an insult to Southern fathers everywhere), and Cameran reminds Craig that Thomas is the parent providing a stable home for Kensie and Saint. Even Naomie Olindo recognizes that Craig hates when this group meddles in his business, but he’s the first insert himself into their drama. Craig is overcome with anger and confusion (which is a welcome change from step and release mayhem and beginner carpentry). Craig knows if Kathryn Dennis had acted in the same manner, she would have been crucified.

Upon returning home from his friend’s wedding, a hungover Shep visits Whitney at Patricia Altschul’s mansion. Shep is anticipating his thirty-seventh birthday as somewhat of a last hurrah. He’s got three years before he has to make any decisions about settling down. Whitney, who takes stirring the pot to an entirely different level, cackles while spilling the details of Austen and Chelsea’s flirtation at the plantation. Shep questions Austen’s interpretation of the bro code, but he isn’t threatened by Shep Lite. Whitney takes a great deal of pleasure in taunting his pal. Is Shep being usurped by his protege? Across town, Austen gushes to another friend about how cool Chelsea is. He’s a tad concerned he’s breaking bro code, but he rationalizes that Shep has a revolving door of willing hot chicks. Surely Shep won’t miss Chelsea.

Craig and Kathryn meet for dinner, and both settle on non-alcoholic drinks. Kathryn shares her journey with sobriety, and Craig listens somewhat patiently for a pause in the conversation. Craig then interrupts to tell Kathryn that Landon helped with Thomas’ polo match and how disgusted he was when T-Rav snubbed Kensie and Saint. I honestly don’t think Craig is intentionally trying to start crap (he’s nowhere near as cunning as Whitney), but is this really what Kathryn needs to hear? She seems to take the news in stride, and she explains that she is focused on what she needs to do to get her life back on track. Having gained supervised visitation every other week, Kathryn is determined to do whatever is required of her to get more time with her children.

After a successful day at T-Rav’s plantation, Austen and Chelsea have a flirty and pretty adorable first official date over game changers (f/n/a painkillers until a little infringement issue) at Home Team. Sidebar, here’s what you’re told by any waitstaff when you order the large…it contains four different shots of liquor in a 10 oz. glass. It tastes like the most delicious of pineapple smoothies, and it will have you on your ass in a matter of minutes. I have never learned my lesson with these dangerous treats. Chelsea hasn’t either. She and Austen giggle and blush as learn about one another. She is impressed to hear that Austen has only had three or four one-night stands. Did he forget to add “dozen” after those low numbers? Oops. The following morning, Shep dials up Chelsea. She’s been puking her brains out thanks to a game changer wrath, but she’s able to work him in for a haircut. He then calls Landon who doesn’t answer. She’s still peeved about how he spoke to her at the Roam launch. Shep leaves a voicemail inviting her to a happy hour cruise to celebrate his birthday. Landon isn’t prepared to commit to the event, but she is curious about the guest list. She asks Craig if he and Naomie will be sailing the high seas, and he confirms their attendance. While he doesn’t want to give Shep the satisfaction, Craig hates to miss a party. Landon laments that Shep wants to drag them both down when he’s the one who has never worked a day in his life. As far as Landon is concerned, she has always “crushed it” professionally.

Cameran and Naomie are getting manicures, and Cameran lets it slip that Craig is interested in becoming a real estate mogul. Naomie is visibly rattled. She gets teary recognizing that Craig seems to be focusing on anything but a career in law. She admits to Cameran that she doesn’t broach the subject much with her boyfriend because it makes for uncomfortable conversation. Cameran counters that Naomie shouldn’t go easy on Craig because she loves him…it would be a disservice not to challenge him to be accountable. Cameran believes Naomie is the best thing that has ever happened to Craig, and she’d hate to see him lose her because he can’t get his shiz together. Also primping, Shep pops in Chelsea’s salon for a haircut, and she teases him about a Craig-type ‘do. He tries to subtly interrogate her about her game changer drinking buddy, and she remarks that she’s been hanging out with Austen. Shep becomes visibly rigid. He wants to know if Chelsea is kissing other people. She retorts that Shep needs to be prepared to offer her the same courtesy. Well, um, it’s just…

That night, Shep welcomes guests onto the Carolina Girl for his birthday while wearing pants he’s stolen from Craig’s closet. He calls out to girls on the dock while recapping his Chelsea conversation with Cameran. Are Austen and Whitney dressed as twins? Shep acts like a sullen child when he sees Austen and Chelsea embrace. His protege hasn’t just broken bro code, he’s now infringing on Shep’s birthday fun. As the party sets sail, Cameran questions Chelsea about the nature of her relationship with Austen, and she is not thrilled to learn that the pair has swapped spit. She was so counting on marrying Chelsea off to Shep so her husband can stop worrying about Shep’s obvious affection for her. Chelsea cites more emotion behind Austen’s lip lock. Chelsea says with Shep she felt like she could be any girl. Shep doesn’t have a reputation for being discriminating when it comes to the ladies.

Cameran wonders if this turn of events could actually work out in her favor. This revelation may be just what Shep needs to light a fire under his ass as far as Chelsea is concerned. Seeking out Shep, Cameran is quick to relay that Austen and Chelsea “Frenched” and I’m transported back to middle school rounds of Seven Minutes in Heaven. Does Shep want to turn out like Thomas? Does he want to be a fifty-year-old man sans shoelaces? Nobody’s got time for that. She encourages Shep to grow some balls and make a move. He hates that Chelsea has a misinformed notion about his inability to settle down. Now, if Cameran will excuse him, he’s going to need to find this evening’s mattress mate.

Landon has finally sidled her way up to Thomas when Shep pulls her aside to issue a pseudo apology for what he said to her about entrepreneurship and playing by the rules. She sees through his veiled condescension, but she pretends to let bygones be bygones so she can hightail it back to T-Rav. He’s waxing poetic about the perils of pear shaped women with cankles to Whitney. He prefers the lithe figure of Landon and reminds his friend she’d make a great wife for someone of his station in life.

As Landon approaches, Whitney announces they are talking about the sex rumors between her and Thomas. Landon giggles. Of course the rumors are true–she’s pregnant with Thomas’ baby, after all! Despite her jokes, Whitney notes the chemistry between the pair. Landon admits she’s attracted to Thomas but wary of the drama that seems to surround his personal life. Thomas concedes that he’s had some messiness in his past, but he toasts Landon as being OC, or Our Class. Give me a flipping break. Could he make a more douchey comment? Why am I even surprised? Landon shrieks in approval. She’ll drink to that! I can’t be positive, but I’m pretty sure I saw a few dolphins frolicking in the waves and returning her call.

Instead of following Cameran’s advice, Shep decides to hit on every girl in Chelsea’s vicinity. Thankfully, Cameran is able to pull the twenty-year-old politician’s daughter off his lap when he announces his desire for a birthday threesome. T-Rav seems game though! Refusing to be bothered by his antics, Chelsea retreats to bow with Austen. She coyly admits she likes him while countering that she doesn’t want to come between Austen’s friendship with Shep. Austen assures her that all is cool with the Lost Boys, and he beams when she shares she’d like to see where things go with him. At the other end of the boat, Shep, who is in no way, shape, or form, no how, no day, jealous of his protege, bitches to Cameran about how he couldn’t care less about Chelsea’s budding romance with Austen. Cameran retorts that he seems to care a lot, but Shep remains stubborn claiming he has zero feelings for Chelsea.

TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE? DO CHELSEA AND AUSTEN MAKE A CUTE COUPLE? DO YOU AGREE WITH T-RAV’S REASONING FOR NOT SAYING GOOD-BYE TO HIS KIDS?

Photo Credit: Bravo TV

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