Vanderpump Rules Recap: Pad Thai Is For Lovers

On Vanderpump Rules there was bacon, and asses, and giant shrieky man-tantrums. Also Kristen Doute tried to pretend she had matured. 

I have a major bone to pick with this show. Let’s call it a reality check shall we, since this is supposed to be a reality show and all. Why are they still trying to make Kristen happen? Honestly – would any ‘real’ friend expect you to go on a birthday vacation with your crazy ex-girlfriend? NO!

Once Kristen and James Kennedy split, Kristen lost her place on this show – we’re now just seeing a regurgitated storyline of everyone fake-forgiving Kristen and unconvincingly acting as if they want to be her friend so Bravo can justify the antics she may cause. It’s super-phony. James is the new crazy-ass – let’s embrace that and hook Stassi Schroeder and Kristen up with a little Pump Rules Scorned Spinoff instead. Because Kristen pretending she wants forgiveness and has really changed; she’s too bad an actress to convince anyone of that. And furthermore her hitting the club for Jax Taylor to teach her how to avoid players while she makes creepy-Hunchback of Notre Dame faces was cringeworthy. Likewise I am tired of watching Tom 1 and Ariana Madix freakout, whine, and tantrum over Kristen. 

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So – Tom 1 and Tom 2 go to Vegas where they got his and his butt tattoos as an homage to their girlfriends. Tom 2 is apparently in love with a person named “Bubba”. (There’s shrimp cocktails, and fried shrimp, and shrimp bisque…  and I don’t know what type of shrimp Katie Maloney is operating with, but I can’t imagine Tom 2 enjoys it more than he enjoys mid-argument Pad Thai!). 

Tom 1 professed his love with “Bacon” shaped like a Varsity Letter “A.” The A, stands for Ariana, although quite cleverly it it could double for asshole if things ever go sour between those two! While the Toms were inking their asses, Peter Madrigal and Jax were passed out in the hotel room with pregnancy cramps. Was I the only one who noticed a bottle of Midol? Was my mind playing tricks on me? Was Tom 1 having another Miami Girl Moment? 

When the guys return to LA they immediately have to start shifts at SUR. Lisa Vanderpump is waiting impatiently. She’s immediately forced to endure the sights of Tom-On-Tom Tats. In the most unchivalrous of places. Yes, both Toms pulled down their manties to let Lisa see the damage. Quite rightly her reaction was disgust. 

Tom 2 immediately confessed to Katie that he Bubba Gunked up his pristinely-fleshed tooshie, but Katie liked it. She wondered what it said about their relationship – was this Tom 2 taking one more askance step to prove his commitment? Was this another way to evade her ultimatum about rings? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?! Does Tom 2 love her forever – or not? If you’re struggling to decipher the intricate meaning of how a drunken 5 am ass-tattoo done in Vegas relates to commitment, I’m gonna go ahead and diagnose this relationship as doomed. 

Ariana is less accepting. She immediately demands Tom 1 get that shit layered off, because he is not about to become the new Jax getting wonky and ill-advised tats to cover-up other wonky and ill-advised tats. Especially when Jax behaved in Vegas. Credit given to his new lady Brittany, who is in the process of moving from Kentucky to L.A., where she will live with Jax as his girlfriend. This should get interesting – I mean that in a bad way. 

Jax may have behaved in Vegas, but he’s making up for it double-time with misbehavior in L.A.!  Namely flirting with Lala Kent as Brittany is literally taking selfies on Route 666 driving to Jax’d Cali. He’s also suddenly becoming besties with Kristen. Jax and Tom 1 are planning a co-birthday trip to Hawaii, and Jax tells Katie and Scheana Marie that he wants to invite Kristen. Katie and Scheana are all “YAY Kristen! She’s sooooo fun! I just, uhhhh… she’s been fun lately. So, like, yeah, she’s fun…” 

These are supposed to be Tom’s friends, yet they expect him to vacation ON HIS BIRTHDAY with Kristen? Bravo’s definition of “Friend” has always differed from mine, but this is a totally phony, insincere stretch that is screwing with Pump Rules. I’ve always adored this show because of its legit crazy – none of this is legit. It’s forced, phony, and fake. 

Jax and Kristen meet for drinks. Kristen brags about spending 8 months in therapy to convince herself that she’s “fixed”. Now that she’s rid herself of James, she’s ready to prowl for guys. [Creepy giggle]. Jax is her wing-slut. These two are soulmates. I’ve been saying it for years. Stop trying to corrupt others, get in the car, and drive to Vegas, find an all-night chapel. Then get matching ass tattoos. 

According to Kristen she’s no longer crazy. [EYE ROLL] To prove her maturity she’s apologizing to Ariana for making her life a living hell last year. Kristen is doing this for herself and knows Ariana probably won’t accept it. Jax endorses the plan. Then they go snare guys. 

Tom 1′s mom is visiting. She’s a tough-as-nails firefighter who raised prissy, pouty-faced Tom. How? The moms of these menz continue to shock. Tom’s mom loves Ariana and Tom together. Tom recounts how Kristen chugged Haterade for breakfast, lunch, and all the cocktails in between, then spewed her hatred onto him. Cause she was his no 1 hater and that was how their relationship went. 

Tom’s mom also despises the tattoo. 

Tom and Ariana are doing a comedy show where they read snippets of their old diaries. Tom never kept a journal but he does have a zillion corny song lyrics to share. Ariana is reading her freshman year of college diary. Tom is not a comedian or an actor, but believes in LA exposure is gold. Dude – you’re on a reality show ugly cry-facing and ugly ass-tattooing, how much more exposure could you need? Ariana believes she’s a comedian, or rather, an actress who’s funny. I do find her side-braids funnying. And her prescient self-importance. And her hipster insouciance and well-practiced sulky face. Yeah, that bitch can be funny. Ish. 

Before diary vom-a-thon, Kristen sidles into SUR to apologize. She’s wearing a super-short dress – all the better to bare her hoohah soul to Ariana. Kristen has a pre-apology conference with Katie which is about as phony as the bag of PopChips I consumed while watching this. PopChips, dude, you’re nothing but flavored air pretending to be a potato. You’re nothing but Jax pretending to be in love while plotting how to do Lala in the employee bathroom while Lisa is distracted by hauling Kristen off Ariana!

Kristen spews her sorries while Ariana blank-stares her in a hardcore way and does not accept a word of it. Ariana would rather see Tom’s “A” Tattoo haunt her dreams for all eternity than be fake-cordial friends with Kristen. Not only does Ariana not accept the apology, she informs Kristen, “My friends are intelligent, funny, wonderful people, and I’ve never seen you be any of those things.” 

Ariana also tells Kristen if it cleared her conscience to whine her sowries, that’s fine but Ariana does not want! Kristen can take her half-baked apologies back to TJ Maxx for a refund! 

Ariana should have been more gracious, but Kristen wasn’t sincere. At all. She’s just trying to convince people she’s the bigger person in a lame sympathy campaign that will eventually out itself as nonsense. And she just wants a Bravo paid for trip to Hawaii. So I applaud Ariana for not taking that bacon-bait! 

James and Lala are making-out at SUR in between Lala spewing trite wannabe cool-girl dribble about how she’s like sooo doesn’t need one man. Tequila makes her make-out! Tequila makes me vomit. Lala and James making out also makes me vomit. 

Tom 2 models his man-pooch for a male lingerie line campaign. Katie, I’m too messy for my pride, visits him on-set to complain about how Tom 1 and Ariana won’t accept Kristen into their group with open-arms. Didn’t you know Kristen is FUN. Tom 2 calls Kristen a liability, but then remembers he can’t commit to anything – not a friend, not a girlfriend, not a perspective – so his non-sequitur is that holding grudges is not cool. Deep. 

Then the the improv-diary reading occurs. Per her diary, Ariana spent all of Freshman year lesbian hunting. I can see her typing into Ask Jeeves: “What do lesbians look like?” Maybe back in those days that was akin to internet porn?

Tom 1 is funnier because he’s more ridiculous, but then he flashes his ass tattoo and everyone is like Oh dude – you had me at your really shitty Rage Against The Machine rendition, you lost me at the American Horror Story: Carnival letter stitched on your booty. Ariana is most grossed out of all. Her “intelligent, funny, wonderful friends” were watching – the ones who don’t work at SUR! – she can’t have them knowing her private shame!

Seriously – how does one reconcile such lauded friends with Scheana? Is she in the “intelligent, funny, and wonderful” category? Maybe Ariana friend slums it on occasion, descending from the heights of cooldom obtained thorough her hipster paradise trampoline, she reconnects with the un-wonderful with Scheana?

After the diary reading, Lala fake-flirts with Jax, who invites her out for a drink even though Brittany is practically at the In & Out near Jax’s apartment waiting for him to meet her with keys. James stomps over to tongue kisses Lala to make Jax foam at the mouth with rage, then James where Brittany is. Jax is forced to fess-up to Brittany’s imminent arrival, but Lala is all that’s cool it’s Jax’s problem not mine. Wasn’t Lala just insisting she would never make-out with another girls man?Wasn’t she just all Scheana-moral authority about girls who get with other girls men, and freaking out that James f–ked another SUR hostess? This love quadrangle needs to die immediately. 

The Toms, Jax, Ariana, and Katie then hit up Dominos for some snacks and start arguing over Kristen. Jax mentions how he doesn’t want James, but does want Kristen attending their trip. Tom and Ariana are flat-out NO on Kristen potentially attending. Tom starts shrieking, yelling, and bursting blood vessels about how ludicrous it is that he should even have to explain to his friends why Kristen can’t come EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS NO AFFECT ON HIM WHATSOEVER! 

Katie, strangely, is in favor of Kristen being forgiven and re-included. Which I don’t get, if she is supposed to be friends with Tom 1 and Ariana? Tom is furious that he even has to explain to his so-called friends why he doesn’t want Kristen invited. Why would Kristen even want to go?! 

While Ariana and Tom 1 rant at Katie, who keeps arguing that Tom and Ariana’s attitude about Kristen is totally unhealthy because Katie thinks Kristen is fun, Tom 2 shovels noodles into his mouth. He doesn’t bother defending Katie, it’s just nom-nom-nom…Tom 2 didn’t have to agree with Katie’s perspective, but he could have insisted Tom and Ariana calm down and stop yelling! 

Tom and Ariana were definitely over-reacting asses (pun intended), but their friends are asses too for not seeing how very wrong it is to get annoyed because Tom doesn’t want to spend his birthday with Kristen. I mean, DUH! However, Tom 1 shouldn’t take out his anger over tattoo-regrets on Tom 2‘s pad thai consumption. Pad Thai is for commitment-phobic lovers.

TELL US – WAS TOM 1’S FREAK-OUT TOTALLY OUT OF LINE OR WOULD YOU SPAZZ TOO? SHOULD ARIANA HAVE ACCEPTED KRISTEN’S APOLOGY? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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