It’s a topsy-turvy world out there in SUR and last night’s Vanderpump Rules dove into its favorite subjects – cheating and Lisa Vanderpump‘s fabulosity!
Is there anything more confusing than a woman who is not only willing to have sex with James Kennedy, but do the sex in essentially a cot in the corner of his dorm room? Oh yes, there IS something more confusing – that this woman is willing to admit this sex on national television! The bright lights of LVP‘s sparkles reflected by Bravo cameras can cause a girl to lose her mind!
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In the land of SUR, James is fired, and Lala Kent is running around begging people to understand that she’s not sleeping with a married man. Lala stalks Lisa to her new Rolls and is like HOMEWRECKER GOALS, before begging Lisa not to believe the gossip. Lisa’s ‘Lady-ish doth protests too much’ side-eye said enough. My side-eye was directed firmly at Scheana Marie, who is leading the Lala-witch hunt under the tutelage of Katie Maloney and Stassi Schroeder.
I get it, I get it… Scheana must over-compensate for her own sordid past. Or, like, maybe she underwent a traumatic brain injury when her teeth got knocked out and this disarrayed her memory? Or perhaps Stassi gave her Electroshock Therapy and removed her brain, which is why Scheana has absolutely NO MEMORY of that time she had an affair with the very married husband of Brandi Glanville? (I shudder to say that name out loud for fear she was come crashing through this recap, shrieking ‘You still love me, Bravo! You really love me!’ We don’t. It’s up for debate if we love Scheana less though.)
Since we’re taking about people I don’t like at all, let’s check in with our favorite bridezilla! Yes, Katie, you will have that wedding of your dreams even if you’re forced to kill Tom 2 in the process. After which I am sure you will then land your own Evil Brides special on TLC.
Katie and Tom fly to some god-forsaken forest to check out their wedding venue. The theme is something like “Woodland Elegance.” I think I bought a candle with that scent once and it smelled exactly like a Christmas tree that’s been up too damn long. The problem with this whole wedding is that Tom 2 doesn’t want to be a part of it – not the enormous budget, soaring taller than a Redwood tree; nor Katie’s outrageous bitch-tantrums, raging harder than an exploding champagne bottle. Tom 2 spends the entire wedding planner consultation making sarcastic comments while Katie’s stare grows deadlier and deadlier. I imagine that isolated woodland, with its plethora of mason jar accessories, is the perfect place to hide a body.
After their disastrous wedding venue scouting, Katie and Tom host an evening of cocktails for their respective wedding party. OK, it was remarkably less classy than that, but it did include cocktails. Shockingly, Katie does not attempt to stab Ariana Madix with a cocktail straw because Ariana dared say hello to Lala – instead Tom 1 yells at Jax Taylor for provoking James into the reaction that led to his firing. Tom 1 is pissy because he thinks James was set-up; everyone else – most notably James’ scorned ex Kristen Doute – is pissed that Tom would dare defend James. Or perhaps, Kristen just wanted any attempt to start trouble with Ariana.
That was an awkward example of cognitive dissonance, was it not? While Ariana is conversing with Scheana, Kristen skuttles over to complain about her veneers being uncomfortable. Ariana shrugs that they look exactly like her own teeth – meaning crazy is as crazy does, and crazy looks the part, and new teeth ain’t going to eat the crazy. Kristen gets defensive and starts breathing down Ariana’s neck for her indefensible defense of James.
Now I agree – James is indefensible, but Kristen is not the person to accuse anyone else of being indefensible. Thankfully, Ariana was wearing her hypocrite antenna, and they were highly tuned to reminding Kristen of her highly insane past behavior. If James is so scary, what is Kristen, aka, the attack queen of West Hollywood who may as well challenge Rhonda Rousey to a duel? Kristen doesn’t get it. In her mind, those incidents where she punched numerous people were all isolated and provoked, whereas James is just DJ F–ker and deserves no humanity. Furthermore, because the group has accepted her back, she is saved and redeemed and exalted.
Tom 1 doesn’t even seem to care about defending James, he seemed mostly mad on principal and fed up with Jax’s self-righteous shit-headery. Too bad everyone literally celebrates at the news that Ding-Dong The James Is Gone (well at least in physical presence!).
Things explode between Katie and Tom 2 at the Porsche dealership. As things so often do! After Tom made a joke about buying a Porsche instead of a wedding, Katie turned into Medusa and screamed that his d–k didn’t work. CLASSY. LVP’s money can’t buy Katie class.
I do believe the whole passive aggressive meltdown of Tom 2 was spurned by his underwear modeling gig during which the photographer made several pointed references to the diminished size of his manhood. Since Tom couldn’t accurately explain that Katie had lobbed his balls off to use as part of her bridal bouquet, he just stuffed a peach down his pants (literally) and fretted inwardly until he rubbed a bald spot in his hair. On the positive, I will say all the working out has worked wonders to remove Tom 2’s dad bod.
Speaking of gyms, the couple that lifts weights in coordinated outfits, stays together – just not in wedded bliss! Ariana and Tom 1 hit the gym to work on their summer bodies (Tom explains the LA necessity of always keeping one’s beach body on retainer), when James arrives to discuss his firing. James readily admits that he allowed Jax and this GG to push his buttons all the way out of SUR’s DJ booth. Poor James, now jobless, he may get evicted from the corner he is illegally subletting in Beverly Hills. Location! Location! Location!
Well, James has more pressing issues to concern himself with, like the fact that Ellie – a new face floating around SUR and inside James’ bed – has been pressing onto him hard and documenting the proof via iPhone! It appears that not everyone at SUR shuns Lala for her extramarital proclivities. She does have a friend or two (other than James!), and Ellie happens to be one of them.
Lala goes hiking with two of her besties and they are just so close – thick as thieves, actually! So close that Lala had no idea Ellie had stolen into James‘ bed like a thief in the night whilst he was dating Raquel. Lala is doubtful until Ellie proffers up proof in the form of a time stamped iPhone usie featuring James uniquely scrawny back and hideously iconic Union Jack headboard. Lala is scandalized and skips off to confront James with the evidence of his lies and betrayals – but only because she’s trying to be a good friend, you understand! (Actually I think Lala is a good friend).
James is livid when Lala confronts him with the photo and accuses Ellie of fabricating the time stamp. Apparently, there are apps to do this! James is well-aware after his years of dating Kristen. James clarifies that yes, he has been in Ellie’s forest, but not this year. Not since the glorious Racquel parted the clouds and entered as the sun in his life.
Then James turns the tables around to demand to know why Lala hasn’t introduced him – or anyone else! – to her man, after all James may be inclined to believe the rumors that he’s married are true…
RELATED – Lala Says Castmates Made Up Married Man Rumors
Meanwhile, Ellie, feeling liberated after finally revealing the truth about how intimately she knows James, decided to tell the most gossipy person at SUR. That would be Scheana Marie! Ugh. Scheana even manages to rope the perpetually stoned chill Ariana into her gossipy lasso. Scheana is so desperate to get the tale, and report back to Stassi and Katie, that she schedules a coffee date with Ellie to hear all the news.
Ellie was so ashamed of dating James she kept it secret for months – until TV cameras appeared!? How convenient! It was more than hooking up, Ellie and James actually dated for few months – while he was also dating Racquel apparently? – because she was so desperately lonely. She decided to document their affair knowing James would call her a whore and badmouth her to all three of Lisa’s establishments. Scheana salivates right into her salad, the drool becoming low-fat dressing.
Then, somehow, Scheana turns the conversation around to discuss Lala’s sex life! Even after Ellie remarks that it’s really no one’s business who Lala is dating, Scheana lays it on thick that she knows he’s married, and since Ellie is such a good friend of Lala’s, she’s probably met him, right? Ellie smirks in response which confirms all of Scheana’s suspicions.
Oh Scheana… hypocrisy does not become you anymore than those silly colored contacts do. And yes, we see you – even if you can’t see yourself.
Scheana literally ran from coffee with Ellie over to Kristen’s house. Kristen is cutting up cucumbers that Stassi must to be drunk to eat. It’s like noon and they’re doing shots and talking shit. #TimeToGetJobsAndBeFiredFromPumpRulesCasueYoureBoringAndBasicAF
I swear Scheana was only invited over so Stassi and Kristen could get the lurid gossip. They are overjoyed by Scheana’s tale of James sordid behaviors and even more so by ‘proof’ of Lala is a “toxic slut,” whom they relish in humiliating in defense of Katie’s tender innocence. Cause yeah Katie never, ever did or said anything horrible to Lala that was justifying the “summer body” comment…
They cackle over all the people who know about Lala’s married boyfriend. Apparently, Lala and Mr. Maybe Married even made a sex tape, which Scheana is aware of. Is this girl the sex tape whisperer? Stassi relishes the thought of it leaking and mortification befalling Lala – something she knows about from experience!
But, seriously. WHO CARES. Why is the guy not being called out? Only Lala. Those hussies are just bitter they’re reduced to dating men who’d rather become unicks than marry them, or men who can’t even pay for their booze bills, let alone finance a Range Rover. It seems so malicious and mean and immature. If Lala is dating a married man, that is wrong, but is it more or less wrong than what these other women have also done? They should just be like Ariana with her over-the-knee boots that are made for riding off into the evening on the handlebars of Tom 1‘s bike, dreaming of a world of working air conditioners and perfect ceviche. Look how happy they look!
While all this is happening, LVP is blissfully spending hundreds on flowers while lecturing Katie on getting her act together before she ruins her relationship with Tom 2. Lisa trying to snip Katie’s arrogant tantrums in the bud was admirable, but we all know she’ll just stomp all over the garden as soon as she doesn’t get her way!
TELL US – IS IT ANYONE’S BUSINESS WHO LALA IS DATING OR F–KING?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
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