Vanderpump Rules Recap: 30 Going On 13!

Last night on Vanderpump Rules it was a birthday bonanza! First Ariana Madix channeled her inner child with a potent cocktail of tequila, tears, and trampolines. Then Peter Madrigal channeled his inner manhood with a potent cock-tail of bulldozers, booze, and booty touching in Vegas. Aaaahhh… ain’t nothing like a little boy bonding.

Ariana throws the most major of epic pseudo-kids birthday parties. It was pretty much exactly the same party Kyle Richards throws for Portia, minus the Fat Burger truck, plus an open bar. Ariana rented a bounce house, trampoline, piñata, silly string, face painters, etc. She’s also wearing a bizarre unicorn horn, dangerously protruding from her forehead. It distracts from her side-eye, because it’s like a very pointy third eye. A very pointy third eye aimed directly at Tom 1‘s shenanigans. Concerns: what happens when one mixes a unicorn horn with an inflatable bounce house? Somebody’s bubble is about to get burst!

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As it turns out none of the ladies are too thrilled about the prospective boys trip to Vegas. Well, Jax Taylor‘s girlfriend Brittany doesn’t care. They’re still in the honeymoon phase where she pretends she’s not that kind of girlfriend. Which is odd – didn’t they meet in Vegas while she was working at Hooters? She knows what happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay in Vegas when the happening winds up pregnant and on a reality show! Oops! 

Katie Maloney doesn’t trust Tom 2 in Vegas because last year they “went through hell” over his cheating scandal (aka drunken make-out with a random girl. It’s not like he slept with Jax on Katie’s sofa while she was passed out 1o feet away!). Ariana doesn’t want Tom 1 to go because it’s the day after her birthday. Plus Tom and Jax being gone means Ariana is forced to work through her birthday weekend. But there’s something else – her dad suddenly passed away two-years-ago from a massive heart attack, and it makes her birthday extra sad.

Ariana wants Tom’s support, but doesn’t articulate that. Instead she sulks, and simpers, and puts sparkles around her eyes to detract from the tears, then suggests they play a particularly aggressive game of Pin The Tail On The Asshole. Tom 1 wins because Ariana lets him. Then she curses herself and throws her unicorn horn in the trash. Birthday is canceled. Vegas is not! 

The Toms are conflicted over how to let their girlfriends know that Vegas is their destiny. Even if it causes them stress breakouts and wrinkles to consider another’s feelings before ultimately doing what they want. Truly, their decision was made the moment Peter mentioned visiting an some adult sandbox to drive bulldozers. The allure of manliness beckons. Knowing they may never again get the chance to achieve such manliness, Peter loads all the boys into the minivan, and over the highway and through the strip clubs, to the mecca of Vegas they go!

The Toms decide to break the Vegas news gently by having drunken hearts-to-hearts with Katie and Ariana. Basically it goes like this, “Yeaaaaaah, like, I loves you. And like I get that you think I should stay home and concede to being pu**y-whipped as we pet the dog and watch Netflix. But yeah, I’m dickmatized by the idea of big manly machines, so Vegas or bust! But not another girl’s bust! I promise – I’ll always be your man!” When it comes to relationships, the Toms, and Vegas the motto will forever be: “Throw your cares away and save your worries for another day.” How’s that for a 1980’s childhood throwback befitting of an Ariana 30th birthday party.

It’s Ariana’s birthday so she can cry if she wants to – but what is Lala Kent‘s excuse? She’s crying because she wasn’t basic bitch enough to be invited. Perhaps Lala and Kristen Doute can bond over being off the Ariana List, in addition to bonding over how much James Kennedy‘s scrawny little attitude sucks! 

Lala’s always been bullied because she’s beautiful. Being excluded from Ariana’s party made her feel like a 13-year-old loser again. “Being lonely is the worst feeling in the world,” Lala sniffles, smiling through her tears. Someone sounds like a Cathy cartoon 25 years too premature! Poor Lala is so desperate she even accepts James offer to get a drink. 

One girl who doesn’t have to worry about the boys trip to the badlands is Scheana Marie. Shay is banned from being invited thanks to his drinking problem. Poor Shay – stuck at home in the Shrine Of Scheana, the not-so-distant memories of the day he ruined his life glaring down at him from their photoshopped splendor. Shay must wonder how the retoucher added in all his smiles!

Lisa Vanderpump lectures Katie and Ariana for allowing the Toms to go to Vegas unsupervised. She would never put up with Ken going on a boys trip! Yet, Lisa is allowed to jet off to Ohio to purchase My Little Ponies? Mmmhmmm… I see who wears the big boy pants in that relationship! 

All of the girlfriend drama was worth it for 20 minutes operating heavy machinery at Dig This. The guys suddenly understand what it’s like to possess testicles. And the testosterone boost meant we got to see a lot of junk and trunk from our boys of Sur. (Does Tom 1 shave his butt?!) 

All the male bonding definitely went to Jax’s head – like a dog in heat he could not stop humping things! He made love to the plate-glass window, the wall, and Tom 2‘s head. Tom 1 and Jax essentially gang banged Tom 2’s perm. Would Katie consider that cheating?! Uh OH! But seriously – if that’s what Jax is bringing to the bedroom, then I feel more sorry for Brittany than ever. 

Then reality sets in and the boys return to their normal of flat ironing each other’s hair and choosing outfits. 

Lisa reassures Ariana that Tom is there for her and she must be more vulnerable in her relationship. Ariana realizes that she should have explained to Tom exactly why her birthday is so challenging. Ariana also should have laid down the law: For all eternity until Botox is obsolete and they’ve all developed a tolerance that renders it useless – Tom must treat Ariana’s birthday as if it is the second coming of cheeseburgers and Riesling by NEVER. EVER. EVER. planning anything for that month. “Tom’s never given me a reason not to trust him,” grins Ariana. Oh hasn’t he? Sounds like foreshadowing… 

In the absence of mannish-folk the ladies rely on each other for support by having a pajama party at Scheana Marie’s Shrine To Self. The giant glasses of wine leads to regrettable behavior – including a reluctant last-minute pity invite to Lala. Which led to kissing each other over chardonnay. Suddenly Shay was glad he was grounded from Vegas, because Scheana and Lala completely made out while Shay videoed, then sent the evidence to the boys. Is this going to become a new sex tape scandal? 

Feminism by Vanderpump Rules: the boys are only allowed to hump each other, so the same goes for the girls! Out for revenge and proving two can play that game, the guys elevate from butt grinding to closed-mouth kissing, then send the photos to their girls. Tom 2 is so drunk he doesn’t know where he is, so Peter decides it’s time to carry Tom 2 home. 

The acknowledgement that they’re too mature and domesticated to stray gives Tom 1 the sads. He promised Ariana he would always be there, but isn’t a guy allowed a little wanderlust? PLEASE NO MORE VEGAS CHEATING SCANDALS BRAVO – DO. NOT. CARE. 

The trip ends on a low note when Jax realizes he made it through the Vegas excursion without Little Jax mingling with the natives. It’s officially a lost cause when the Toms end up FaceTiming their ladies. Tom 1 is perturbed by how nonchalant his friends seem over the loss of not only their freedom, but the tender remains of their youthful boyhood.

Tom 1 proposes one last hurrah. They must rally! Perhaps some 3 am gambling! Perhaps some other ways of getting lucky! “Let’s just ruin everything by making out with girls. Then we’ll stab each other in the back,” he champions. The guys pull themselves together, struggling to their feet for one last hour; they choke back the bile and the McDonald’s and stumble towards the casino floor. “Get lucky,” Tom chants to himself. He regrets it even as he blindly stabs the elevator buttons, and halfheartedly rubs his butt against the glass doors. “”Get lucky…” he chants again. Famous last words. Famous. Last. Dreams. 

TELL US – DID ARIANA AND KATIE OVERREACT TO THE BOYS TRIP TO VEGAS? SHOULD LALA HAVE BEEN INVITED TO ARIANA’S PARTY?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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