Last night Vanderpump Rules went to Hawaii, except for Kristen Doute and She Who Shall Not Be Named for fear of her Birthday Witch wrath. And what did these charming and classy people do in Hawaii? Argued. Nonstop.
The drama begins on the airplane where James Kennedy tried to get Lala Kent to join the Mile High Club. It only gets marginally better from here but we should get the worst thing out of the way first. Lala did not join the Mile High Club. At least not with James on that airplane.
The group is all couples now, proof to Scheana Marie that they’re growing up. Something Scheana seems sad about as Shay lumbers around, perpetually in the shadow of her massive, fluttering ego. Not the pretty picture to adorn her Hoarders for Narcissists hovel!
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The trip is a celebration of Tom 1 and Jax Taylor‘s birthdays, but also Tom 2 and Katie Too’s engagement. An engagement that has not yet been consummated. Enter luxury-ish Hawaiian hotels and a hopeful Tom 2 that he’ll finally get to do something manly with his parts. If only Katie lets him. #NotLikely
Tom 2‘s entire goal for the trip is to have sex with Katie Maloney, who would rather gossip with Scheana and complain. Why on earth does he want to marry her?! Tom tries to entice her with an Homage to Bieber photo of his naked Coppertone Baby butt. It has the opposite of intended effects, as Bieber so often does on a woman’s loins.
Tom 1 and Ariana Madix have become their own Hawaiian island, and for that they must pay. And the folly they must suffer is the eruption of Hurricane Schreama. Remember when Scheana said Ariana’s mom was “worried” about how much she’s changed since dating Tom? It turns out Scheana texted Ariana’s mom blaming Ariana’s unhappiness on Tom, who is a controlling, self-absorbed, egotistical jerk. And everyone is concerned. Ariana’s mom then sent her screenshots of Scheana’s betrayal. OOPS.
Ariana ponders what to say to Scheana while putting on world’s most complicated bra, which she covers with a mumu, which she wears over hot pants. What is harder to follow here: Why Scheana, Ariana’s so-called bestie would be texting Ariana’s mom talking shit about her and her boyfriend; or Ariana’s outfit? It’s a toss-up!
Jax regrets that once again his little friend Jaxita made a terrible decision. In a drunken stupor of hopefully getting laid, Jax invited Lala to Hawaii and swore he and Brittany Cartwright had broken up. Now Brittany, Jax, and Lala are all on this trip. With James.
Ariana is not thrilled about having to endure dinner with Scheana, that vortex-like hole of attention-seeking vapidness. With false eyelashes. And Shay as the vortex’s bodyguard. Ariana decides to make the best of it by toasting Jax and Tom on their 45th Birthdays. But at the end of the table, James is mauling Lala, literally raping her mouth with his tongue while she just sits there praying for alcohol to act as an antiseptic. Girl – SAY NO! Jax, upon seeing this is furious. Jax will not be beaten at his own sleazy game by James, wily, but amateur. So Jax makes his own toast to the people who SHOULD be on this trip [Kristen] but aren’t, which is especially unfair because there are people who shouldn’t be [James and Lala]. Jax forgot to mention that he invited Lala. Little details!
EXCLUSIVE – TOM 1 SPILLS THE DIRT ON SCHEANA AND HAWAII!
James gets his underoos in a twist over the slight and storms out. Max goes to calm him down. Ostensibly James was supposed to be watching over the injured Max, making sure he takes his antibiotics and doesn’t drink too much, but it’s really Max who is behaving the most maturely of anyone. So whom is watching whom? Peter Madrigal and his new girlfriend Sarah are also lovely. Sarah, a mom, is probably comparing all the ways this microcosm of Anti-Adulters are less mature than her toddler. I imagine her presenting her findings to the West Hollywood City Council.
Jax seeks out James and demands they try to have a good trip, to which James sulks and slurps on a martini.
Across the bar, Tom 1 confronts Scheana about the texts. Instead of sincerely apologizing, or trying to explain what exactly Ariana was doing (besides not spending every moment coddling Scheana’s narcissism) that had Scheana worried enough to text her mom, Scheana is basically like, Tom is an arrogant asshole and he stole MY best friend! Which means Tom is only out for himself and sacrificing Ariana’s happiness in the process. Is Scheana analyzing herself but projecting onto Tom 1? Not only did Scheana not feel bad, she justified her actions by deciding everything she said was true and she was trying to be a good friend to Ariana..
How seriously f–ked up! Scheana sent Ariana’s mom texts saying Ariana was depressed and in an unhealthy relationship that was destroying her. Meanwhile, this is rich – like Lisa Vanderpump rich, Scheana’s husband is an alcoholic/pill addict, who she’s decided is only allowed to do 3 or 4 shots, instead of getting wasted, and plying him with tequila, but not treatment because it would interfere with HER social life.
Tom and Ariana remind Scheana of what good friends they’ve been, supporting her through some serious stuff Tom won’t mention. Scheana fires back that Tom 1 stayed at her portrait gallery apartment after Kristen cheated on him, which makes her a good friend too! What is exceptionally hilarious considering the basis for Scheana’s complaints that Tom is only out for himself and Ariana is negative are because they didn’t want Kristen attending Tom’s birthday vacation.
“Get over it,” Scheana snaps. Storming out while yelling, “Sorry, not sorry!”
In LA Lisa frets about Max, even though Ken instructs her to stop babying their 23-year-old son. The son they abandoned with James! Lisa sends Katie and Tom ‘Congratulations’ flowers, but she really just wanted them to call to thank her so she could quiz them about watching Max. Gotta say – Max appears the least into the drama of anyone and seems positively bored.
Tom 1 tries to save the motley crew from self-destruction by planning a full calendar of activities to occupy them. Similar to summer camp! Except with more booze, tits, and tantrums. First up is a hike through the falls. Scheana rolls her eyes and announces she’s skipping to waist train while working out, then she hits the beach with tampons filled with tequila. Which she shoves down her alcoholic husband’s throat. There’s a metaphor in there somewhere that Shay is forced to drink a tampon filled with booze, right? Am I Ariana–ing with my too smartness?
Katie joins them to guzzle booze from a sunscreen container and complain about Tom 1.
For hiking Tom 1 brought a knife, envisioning glorious moments from Romancing The Stone, everyone else brought their axes to grind. When they finally make it to the falls, Tom 1, Peter, and Jax show off their speedos. NO. And Lala one-ups them by taking her top off. Faith follows, then they rub their boobs against each other. Are thy confusing Vanderpump Rules with a Girls Gone Wild audition?
Tom 2 tried not to look, but Katie won’t put out, and when she does she ‘starfishes’ it. Needless to say he’s boob-starved.
Brittany decides to confront Lala about flirting with Jax. Brittany is so naive and foolish. Surprisingly Lala apologizes and doesn’t throw Jax under the bus as she chalks her flirting up to being drunk. Crisis momentarily averted. Jax knows he’s on borrowed time though. Borrowed – not stolen! #Foreshadowing
Afterward swimming, Tom 1 tells Tom 2 about Scheana’s texts. Tom 2 is shocked. It was sweet to see him defend Tom 1 so ardently. These two save this show for me because they are real friends – genuinely – and it’s not a farce. It’s sweet to see them muddling through trying to maintain this friendship despite all the chicanery at play.
Back on Bad Friends Beach, Scheana whines to Katie about how Ariana ditched her as a best friend for Tom 1, so thankfully Katie was there as a replacement. Scheana and Katie spend every moment together, talk on the phone constantly, and are each other’s beacons of support. Uhhh… how old are we again? The boys manifest their phobia of adulting in partying too much, the girls by having best friend competitions. Naturally Katie fully supports Scheana’s text messages to Ariana’s mom and co-signs that Tom is arrogant.
Tom 1 wonders how Scheana would react if Ariana did that to her? I’m still wondering how Scheana and Katie would react if we unearthed Shay and Tom 2‘s exes. Bravo… hows the reconnaissance mission with that going?
Later, by the pool with James and Max, Lala has an epiphany that she let Jax get away with murder so she’s gonna tell Brittany they truth; that Jax was trying to get with her and completely lied about his relationship. To fortify herself Lala straps on her Brett Michaels’ bandana.
When Tom 2 returns to his hotel room Katie has a contraption on her boobs that is way too complicated for Tom to contemplate removing. Sex thwarted once again! Pointedly Tom 2 informs Katie about seeing Lala’s boobs, but swears he didn’t look. Then they argue about Scheana’s texts. Tom is aghast that Katie would defend her actions. Tom 2 ardently defends his friend in both name and virtue, but Katie snipes that Tom 1 is arrogant.
Couple things: even if Tom IS arrogant it doesn’t make Scheana’s behavior acceptable. Second of all, for all everyone’s bitching about Tom and Ariana, they at least seem happy together. Unlike the rest of these dysfunctional couples.
Over dinner, Katie snipes at Lala for showing her tits to Tom 2, because Katie doesn’t think it’s acceptable to take your top off in front of other girl’s boyfriends. Scheana, morality police, quite agrees, yet isn’t surprised given that Lala went on that trip to Italy under dubious circumstances. #SoftCoreScheana #AffairWithMarriedMan #EddieCCooties “Be lucky I didn’t take my bottoms off too,” Lala snaps back.
Then Lala decides to pull Brittany aside for the truth about Jax. Lala did tell the truth – the whole truth – about Jax was whispering in her ear how he wanted to f–k her, about Scheana and Kristen seeing the whole thing, but not defending Brittany, and all the other times Jax led Lala on, pretending Brittany wasn’t his girlfriend. Brittany, naturally, defends Jax. Is this girl really this backwoods stupid? She’s SEEN Jax on TV, right? She either is delusional or she is in it for her 15 minutes.
Brittany immediately confronts Jax about Lala’s revelations, but Jax accuses Lala of lying. Brittany asks Lala to re-tell her story but her honesty is rewarded by getting Jax’d! It’s a two-for-one deal for Brittany and Lala!
Jax lies effortlessly to them both, with no remorse. Lala even tries to get Scheana to vouch for her, but Scheana claims she doesn’t want to destroy Brittany and Jax’s relationship so she pretends she never saw, nor heard a thing. I guess Scheana has her hands full destroying Tom and Ariana’s relationship. And her own.
Lala, overwhelmed, flees the restaurant and wipes away her tears with the hem of her bandana.
TELL US – ARE YOU SURPRISED JAX LIED? WAS SCHEANA OUT OF LINE TEXTING ARIANA’S MOM?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
Did I mention Scheana is an atrocious friend? Cause she is.
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