Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Ship Happens

Now sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful ship – that started out as Housewives fun and ended up as sh*t. The Bethenny! The Countess too! The Dorinda – and her kniiiiiife. The Ramonacoaster, The Carole/Sonja/Tinsley train…here on CLUSTERF**K ISLE!

Last night’s episode was iconic before it even aired. The Real Housewives Of New York nightmare on the high seas will forever live on in Bravo history and virtually needs no introduction. So, let’s just dive right in (ha). It’s the morning after the multi-argument dinner from hell, and everyone convenes for breakfast for a nice relaxing boat ride, and Dorinda Medley is still loaded for bear. Although everyone else is worn out from the drama, Dorinda snaps at Luann de Lesseps when she snaps at everyone about her Countess title being a valid “stage name.”

Dorinda faces off with Luann immediately, justifying her actions the night before (which, let’s be real, she can’t remember) by reminding Luann what a “good friend” she’s been to Luann through the years. Luann just stares at Dorinda, dumbfounded. Is this broad still drunk?!? Bethenny Frankel tries to insert herself into the argument, but Dorinda cuts her off. “Stay out of it! You got no skin in this game!” shouts Dorinda, which prompts Bethenny to chastise Carole Radziwill when she gets involved next.

While Ramona Singer just tries to calm Luann down in one corner, Bethenny and Carole get back into their argument at the other end. There’s no resolution for these two, and both seem to know it. HOLY BALLS, this is breakfast?? Sonja Morgan predicts that the day will only get worse if this is how the day is starting. Tinsley Mortimer considers canceling the boat trip (which would prevent us from missing the epic greatness to come), but already had her glam squad stitch in these french braids, so…it’s on!

Before they depart, Carole convinces Dorinda and Luann to talk privately. Dorinda immediately breaks down in tears and admits she felt judged the night before. But instead of apologizing genuinely for going APESH*T on Lu, she just defends her actions and offers a terse (loaded) apology. She thinks Luann is overblowing it, but Luann is hurt. “The things you said were so dark,” says Lu. “And it hurt me.” There’s no resolution here, but the ladies agree to put it aside for now.

In an even more awkward moment back at the breakfast table, Bethenny word-vomits ALL of her feelings about the breakup with Carole as Carole sits right there. OMG. It’s a 2-minute moment that feels like a 2-hour cringe.

Hey, I know what will make this day better – a boat trip! Thus, the ladies are whisked away in a (now functioning) boat and dropped at an island location with a gorgeous spa/bar Tinsley has planned for them. The ladies live it up for a while, forgetting about their beefs back in the city.

Luann decides to give us all a gift when she invites Ramona to lounge on a hammock with her, then places a dead crab on her chest. Every single joint in Ramona’s body unhinges as she jerks around and screams bloody murder, finally blasting out of the hammock like a Ramona on…extra Ramona? Okay, guys – Luann for THE WIN.

Then, because Sonja is the hero we all need during downer trips like this, she decides to give us a show to remember involving a tag hanging off her bathing suit (which she fully plans on returning), and a strip show. Please enjoy a Colombian Caberlesque Review, courtesy of our very own Sonja Tremont Morgan:

(This is what Luann has to look forward to in her debut show of #CountessAndFriends, no doubt.)

(…and this.)

As everyone decides to turn their frowns upside down, there’s one mopey Housewife who is just now sobering up feeling remorse for her actions: Dorinda. Seeing that she’s upset, Bethenny takes her to a private area to talk it out. Dorinda knows she botched not only last night’s dinner but also this morning’s “amends” with Luann – which basically amounted to attack #2.

“She’s like my family and I hurt her,” cries Dorinda, who says she wants to be Luann’s “safe place,” not her enemy. Bethenny hugs her and encourages Dorinda to genuinely apologize to Luann. They are good friends, and there’s no reason to let this animosity fester any longer. The time for swallowing pride is now, and Dorinda knows it. She walks off to find Luann.

While Sonja is busy being the reusable straw that stirs the drink, Dorinda apologizes to Luann, and – to her credit – Luann immediately accepts her heartfelt apology with grace. Admittedly, Dorinda drank WAY too much the night before, but she claims she’s in a good place overall. Well, maybe so – but she’s about to get on a literal sinking ship in less than an hour, so enjoy that “good place” while you can, girl!

After a lunch at which Carole, Tinsley, and Bethenny hypocritically judge one another for being shopaholics, the ladies sunbathe and chill. Tinsley is possibly THE ONLY HAPPY person on the trip, therefore Ramona starts taking digs at her. What does she want to be when she grows up? Is she just going to rely on a MAN? Ramona needs answers. Tinsley’s like, Oh eff off, you! Even Ramona can’t harsh her mellow today.

Besides, Ramona’s skills are needed elsewhere: at Luann’s impromptu cabaret practice with Sonja in the cabana. What skills do they need from Ramona, you ask? Why, her beatboxing skills, of course! All I have to say to this is, once again: THANK YOU, Luann. You are too good to us.

Okay, let’s get on that damn boat! As soon as the crew ushers everyone onboard, they warn the ladies that the sea “kicks up” this time of day, so they need to hurry back. Outside, Dorinda tries to hold a normal conversation with Bethenny while waves practically suck them into the ocean. Inside, Sonja – WHO WENT ON YACHTS WITH P DIDDY, YA’LL! – screams at Tinsley that this ride “is not normal!”

The boat is rocking and pitching and heaving; the waves are crashing practically overhead outside. But we REALLY know sh*t just went left when Sonja pees her pants (and Ramona’s cover-up), then screams at the sea for making her do it! “This is like riding in a plane with ONE PROPELLER!” shouts Sonja, now holding Ramona and screaming for her life.

The terror spreads, with Bethenny texting someone (Dennis?) for help while Carole starts puking in a bowl. Tables and chairs are flying everywhere. Dorinda searches for life jackets while screaming, “We’re taking on water! We’re taking on water!” No life vests are found, but you can guaran-damn-tee that if there’s only one, Ramona Singer will snag it for herself. #Truth

And just when Sonja’s screams reach ear-piercing levels, the cameras cut out. We’re told that the production crew had to shut down due to rough waters and the safety of everyone on board. And, by the way, shout out to this camera crew for capturing as much footage as they did before bugging out! (Emmy nomination, anyone?)

Cut to 17 hours later, and the ladies are 1) all alive back at the house, and 2) SO ready to get the hell out of Cartegena. Bethenny tells us that after cameras went down, they found out the anchor had come loose. As the crew tried to reel it in, it began to smoke, so they had to cut the anchor before they capsized. Ramona sums the experience up for everyone as “No bueno.”

Ironically, the PTSD everyone shared allowed them to have the best night of all when they got back to the house – well, everyone except Dorinda, who spent the entire night on the toilet. In fact, everyone but Tinsley and Bethenny has explosive diarrhea now. And this sh*tfest has caused Ramona to turn into the thieving rat we all know she is because – YES – this chick has actually, for reals, stolen everyone’s toilet paper. Also, there are POOP SMEARS on the floor that Sonja claims are Ramona’s (!!!) but she won’t own up to them. So Ramona just leaves them there for the staff to wipe up. Staff who, no doubt, Ramona didn’t tip. Also, did Luann sh*t the bed? OH MY GOD. Is this bottom? This feels like bottom.

“We’re outta the boat, and now we’re swimmin’ in sh*t,” concludes Sonja. Well, that about says it all, doesn’t it? What a ride.

TELL US: THOUGHTS ON THE BOAT RIDE FROM HELL? 

Photo Credit: Bravo

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