Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Mystic Messes

Last night on Real Housewives Of Orange County the little detective that can’t stop, Meghan Edmonds, decided it would be a great idea to host a party with a mystic named Michaela. You don’t need psychic powers to predict that this would go badly! Then to make matters worse they all left for Iceland – cause traveling to the ends of the earth with your enemies always turns out so swell!

What was Meghan hoping to find? Proof that Vicki  Gunvalson never loved Tamra at all? Or perhaps a reading on Peggy Sulahian‘s cancer scans? Or maybe what’s really inside Tamra Judge‘s six-pack core? All she found was a big old mess of Shannon Beador shrieking about David being the most trustworthy man alive while the Mystic watched open-mouthed.

I don’t know what it really had to do with anything, other than evoking the simmering rage inside Shannon, but Peggy asked the question that hit right to the core of Shannon’s potato-chip-craving heart: “Do you trust your husband?” It’s that very question – that niggling feeling Shannon tries to convince herself is fury at Vicki and an almost-constant craving for vodka – that is the very essence of why she has become fueled by salty tears and perceived slights. It’s why Shannon flings plates at restaurants and thinks Glitter-Eyes Lydia is out to kill her with subliminal messages.

I think we all know the answer to Peggy’s question: No, Shannon does not trust her husband. Although I have no idea what  that has to do with Peggy’s cancer? Peggy doesn’t know either because she told Shannon “I don’t know anything…” Oh really? Uh-Huh. Maybe Shannon and Vicki could just get a 2-for-1 deal on cardiology treatments for broken hearts? You know how those two love doing things together.

Anyway, who wants to go to Iceland?! Yaaaaay. Lydia McLaughlin is a girl with bad timing! WWTD? Tamra would tell Lydia that for now and forever, and even in the heavens above, she is No. 1 shit-stirrer. Even if Tamra is putting on her halo and playing the role of Nurse Ratchet to Shannon’s One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, My Little Lydia best not get any ideas that her role as mess-maker with the innocent eyes is permanent. It was Lydia who had the greeeeeat idea to invite the women on her “work trip” to Iceland.

I had forgotten that Lydia and Doug own a magazine called Nobleman, for the neutered, beautifully de-balled male. Since apparently Iceland is a destination men love, Lydia decided the perfect way to research Iceland was to invite a group of women who hate each other to visit with her. Does Lydia realize that the only research these women do is on each other? Their “librarians” are psychics and the other women they gossip with – their real friends – at the country club?

When Lydia proposes this trip, unironically, at Meghan’s mystic party, everyone deadpans an excited reaction. Their faces don’t move on a good day, but these were zombie Housewives after Dr. Dubrow banned them from his premiere botox establishment. And those reactions were was BEFORE Lydia picked up the phone and speaker phone-vited Vicki and Kelly Dodd. Afterwards no one even tried to pretend they wanted to go. And no one does. I did think about it, though, and if I had to go on this trip with either Kelly or Vicki; or Shannon and Tamra, it would be Team Kill-Vill, all the way. At least they whoop it up, and I wouldn’t have to hear about about THE AFFAIR followed by a high pitched shriek of “Are you kidding me?! I am DONE!” Cause there’s a lot of echoes in Iceland and I fear the wrath of an avalanche.

Anyhoodle, let me back up. Lydia got the idea for idea for Iceland in her bright little eyes, but before she shared the news, Meghan’s enlightenment candle (which smells like Jimmy Dad Jean‘s breath while he’s giving a lecture on minding your own business) led her to plan a party with her friend Mystic Michaela. This is just as dumb as it sounds. This Mystic woman, who is not Stevie Nicks, supposedly give you insight about life by reading auras. Remember when these women had parties where they invited their real friends to be ancillary background characters? Now they just invite the Housewives in a constant vicious cycle of over-analyzing hate-watch each other over delicious food they don’t eat. Unless they’re Shannon.

Shannon was already in a tizzy over the accusation that David “grilled” Diko about Peggy’s cancer. When Shannon asked David, he told her that he wasn’t interrogating the Sulahians.  Tamra called to advise Shannon to just, you know, not stress over it because she knows David’s truth, but Shannon freaked out that Tamra is making her think about it and all Shannon wants to do is stress about everything cause then she can eat more cake and hate Vicki more too, but Tamra should stop bringing it up! The whole conversation is so frustrating that when Tamra hangs up she flings her phone into a pile of pillows that say “Mrs. & Mr,” and that makes me think that Shannon and David don’t have those. A) because anything from TJ Maxx is filled with petrochemical toxins and Shannon believes will kill her in her sleep; and B) David is too busy being Mr. Hi Honey I’m Not Home to appreciate any inspirational pillow propping. Also, when did Tamra become Shannon’s voice of reason? These are some dark and trying times, y’all!

I DO think David was acting weird while discussing the cancer with Diko, but I also reason that David probably didn’t care and was only half-listening, because it’s obvious that David has been inflicted with Jimmy Dad Jeans Syndrome, which is basically that you’re only half-present and never emotionally invested in anything Housewives-affiliated. Diko, on the other hand hand, contracted Dr. Terry Dubrow Syndrome.

By the time Meghan hosted her mystic party, Shannon was the frayed edges of an old Chanel bag, and Peggy was itching for a ‘confrontation’ about her feelings. It can’t always be about SHANNON’s feelings, you guys, but no amount of calming candles (which emit the subtle aroma of Jimmy Dad Jean’s breath while he snores) could stop Shannon from exploding in a fit of inShanity.

Vicki and Kelly did not attend Meghan’s party. Maybe a psychic had a premonition that it would be wise to avoid such gatherings. That psychic was probably Vicki’s cardiologist who was investigating the irregular heartbeats of her broken Love Tank. It was diagnosed that Brooks and Tamra are killing Vicki by making her heart cry and cry and cry, and this can only be fixed by more whopping it up. Is there no botox for one’s heart?! Also, Vicki doesn’t trust mystics. Vicki thinks the women use so-called psycho friends to do their dirty work. For once, I think Vicktim is correct, because Meghan says they’re afraid of what the psychic might say which leads me to believe something in Meghan’s aura wasn’t clean. Mystic Michaela was probably some sort of set-up waiting to happen. Instead Kelly and Vicki stayed home to eat cheese and talk about how they’re lucky to have found each other. True dat!

I’ll tell you who loves mystics: Shannon! And they love her right back. They can sense a woman who will relocate her bathroom if a Feng Shui expert spies a toilet in the relationship corner (good lord is that my favorite RHOC irony ever). Shannon will go to the Dr. Moon and back if she thinks her aura can be made sparkly as the rhinestones inside Lydia’s mother’s crown collection.

Shannon arrives giddy with aura-reading and wavelength percept-o-grams, and all the snake oil you can rub on the pressure points in her body; believing she is made of sugar, and spice, and everything nice. Oh, wait, sugar is inflammatory…and Shannon’s happiness is more erratic than a drunk sorority girl.

Peggy, on the other hand, only believes in the mystic in the sky named God. She’s only at this party to confront Shannon. Peggy refuses to be mysticized and knows that the mystic knows that her aura is very intuitive, but she’s not a mystic. Huh? She was also very rude to Mystic Michaela.

They all sit down to dinner, where I imagine Meghan imagined an Allison DuBois-type situation, but unfortunately Vicki stayed her ass home. Also, Meghan dropped the ball – clearly anyone throwing mystic party should be serving MYSTIC PIZZA, although salads in the crispy wrappers looked delish too.

When Lydia arrived, late, and bearing the bad news that they’re all going to Iceland, Peggy decided she must ‘clear the air’ before her first-ever girl’s trip. That means confronting Shannon.

I don’t think Peggy ever actually got around to saying what David allegedly did or said, or explaining her feelings, because Shannon immediately started spazzing. To undercut this, Peggy went and asked if Shannon trusted David.

I suppose Peggy meant did Shannon trust David’s account of his conversation with Diko, but it was so confusing – especially with the added interference of Lydia accusing Shannon of “Mad Dogging” Peggy and refusing to let her speak. Peggy also kept asking “Are you done?” Taking turns is nice! Then Shannon fled the table, which is better than flinging her plate.

During a secret bathroom counseling session with Tamra, Shannon insists that David only asked about Peggy’s cancer to recommend “some good cancer doctors.” Does Shannon really believe that she is literally THE ONLY PERSON IN CALIFORNIA who knows an oncologist? Maybe someone can trade her an oncologist for their psychologist? Obviously Shannon is trying to convince herself of David’s virtues.

Before Peggy leaves she attempts one-last talk with Shannon, but, again, nothing is actually discussed. This time Peggy starts crying because no one understands how she feels. Now Lydia wishes she could uninvite Shannon to Iceland, because she always ruins everything with her histrionic drama and self-absorbed meltdowns. If only…

With Peggy gone, Shannon turns her wrath onto Tamra for not having her back. She was screaming and yelling and pitching a fit something toddler-awful, while Meghan worried that her own infant would wake up. Maybe Shannon was having a psychotic break? Tamra hissed that Shannon “knows her truth” and shouldn’t stress about what Peggy said, but you can’t reason with crazy! Also, therein lies the problem: Shannon does know her truth. Her truth is that she’s living a lie. As Tamra even says, no matter what vows she renewed or where she ate guacamole in Hawaii, Shannon is never, not ever-ever over THE AFFAIR. And Tamra is tired of coddling Shannon’s emotional state like she’s one of her own children.

The next day, Shannon comes over to Tamra’s cringing in embarrassment over her latest freak out. Sitting on Tamra’s uncomfortable sofa she admits that her marriage is, again, in complete shambles, and she is lonely for David’s love. But Shannon has had an epiphany: she cannot depend on David to make her happy. If only Shannon would’ve had this realization 3 years and 45lbs ago… But in happier news Tamra has been invited to Sidney’s graduation, except we know how that goes!

Then finally everyone packs for Iceland! Shannon attempts to consult David over what to bring because she’s too fat to fit into her coats, but David is too absorbed in eating Pirate’s Booty to even register that Shannon is speaking to him, not a giant life-sized pirate whose head he must bite off.

Peggy tries to fit Diko in her suitcase for some manly-moral support, and Meghan packs up the nanny and the baby in matching hers and hers and hers Adidas track suits. Cause that’s a safe environment for children. On the plane Kelly marks her territory by spilling champagne all over Vicki’s seat while Tamra rolls her eyes until they water real tears. But they are off to the land of frozen paradise to study men in their vacation habitats.

TELL US – DID SHANNON OVERREACT TO PEGGY’S QUESTIONS? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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