Vanderpump Rules Recap: Tequila Katie SMASH!

Does anyone else feel like we’re missing something on Vanderpump Rules? Besides the obvious lack of maturity? It just  feels like we’re not getting the full story regarding Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix.

Everyone seems to really despise Tom and Ariana all of the sudden? I refuse to believe the “Dislike” button plaguing these two like a cloud of Axe Body Spray that you got zapped with by the Costco sample lady, is purely about all their friends suddenly loving Kristen Doute. Honestly, has anyone even given a reason for why they want to hang out with Kristen soooo badly. A reason other than “Kristen is FUN!”? Fun does not totally a friendship make.  

Other than Saint Kristen pulling of a coup d’etat by winning back the approval of the most-exalted masses of SUR, Stassi Schroeder‘s re-entry into the friend group is causing major anxiety for Jax Taylor and Scheana Marie, the two worst people in We-Ho!

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It’s payday at SUR and SUR is the last place on earth that hasn’t heard of the modern miracle known as direct deposit. Katie Maloney and Scheana arrive to collect their checks, but they have to wait for Lisa Vanderpump to physically hand them over. Then, because Katie and Scheana have beef with Ariana, low and behold, she wanders in at the exact same time!!! Naturally Ariana is semi-dismissive of Scheana and Katie, because how else do you treat Skinemaxxx Scheana, Most Self-Absorbed Person On Earth?

Ariana is now a pariah. Kristen must have magic chocolate-flavored juju that she sprinkles around to make people forget the past and lose control of their sanity. It’s like Kristen decided if she’s gonna be all categorically insane and chronically drunk all day the rest of them have to sink to the level. They willingly comply. This is your brain on SUR, kids! <slams head into bar>

If Ariana can’t embrace Kristen in a touching and emotional moment befitting of a Lifetime Movie, Scheana and Katie decides she’s negative and clinically depressed. 

Katie has a quandary – she was invited to Palm Springs with Kristen, but didn’t want to go because of Stassi Schroeder, but now she needs to leave town after going all “Tequila Katie” on Tom 2 and berating him with FOUR HOURS worth of awful texts. Katie even said she didn’t want to marry him (and he was like hallelujah!)! The whole argument erupted because Tom 2 suggested that maaaaaybe, just maaaaaybe Katie could try to put herself in Tom and Ariana’s position regarding Kristen. Boozing before besties! Katie responded by threatening to cancel the wedding. 

You know, Katie SHOULD cancel the wedding. She has the maturity of the roly-poly Fisher-Price Little People. I would barely trust her to be in charge of Airport Town. 

Since Scheana needs a Mom’s Night Out from baby-sitting Shay, she agrees to drive to Palm Springs with Katie and chaperone the Stassi Re-Friendship Summit.

Speaking of baby-sitting, Peter’s girlfriend Sarah scheduled a lobotomy and entrusted her adorable 4-year-old son to the care of Jax + Tom 2 + Peter + Tequila + Candy. No one died but several sperms were light-sabered by an overly-excited Jax on a sugar high. #WeveSeenWorse

Meanwhile in Palm Springs, Stassi, Kristen and Rachel are drinking, because I swear, the only thing they have in common is alcohol. Rachel is a stand-up comedian no one has ever heard of (except Ariana), who drives her Mercedes full of Kristen cigarettes, vodka, and Stassi’s discontent squatting to her parents vacation home in Palm Springs. Rachel also appears to have tons of money to blow on contouring. She seems really sweet and benign, though, like she’ll be the Anonymous Kristen Doute Klone to Stassi’s Anonymous Clone, Kristina. 

Frankly Stassi only came on this trip because she’s homeless and tired of sharing a bed with Kristen‘s fleas. She must be drinking so much because she needs to pass out to fall asleep, and clearly she lacks access to a proper shower judging by the dry-shampoo build-up at her roots. Also I’m pretty sure she re-fashioned a men’s XXXL shirt from Goodwill into a dress because in her unemployed boredom she’s succumbed to a Pinterest Fashion+Crafts+Budget+Fun Board. The bottom line is, this is not the look I’d want to be presenting if I were about to be confronted by the former bestie I ditched when I was high on my own self-importance! 

Being homeless is aging too. Grouchy middle-aged Stassi has no patience for the Party in Palm Springs Kristen.  Stassi’s kaftan is getting sweaty under the arms, she’s hot flashing, bugs are biting her, and Kristen is blowing smoke in her face while text-battling with James Kennedy. “You’re too old for this,” grouses Stassi. Yes, Kristen – YOU ARE. We’re waiting for your emotional age to reach the approximate vicinity of your chronological one. Waiting, and waiting… #JaxAndKristenAreSoulMates

And back at SUR, James mopes about after being demoted to bus boy. Despite losing the Pump CD but gaining a pimple, he’s put things in perspective: He must tell Kristen he’s still in love with her. Lala Kent supports this plan, if only because the sweet, sweet revenge of James embarrassing the hell out of himself will be glorious, but also because Lala is tired of James and wants to foist him on to someone else. She encourages James to “take the bitch to dinner.” 

At the bar Jax confronts Tom 1. Tom is annoyed because A) He believes he’s deserving of a World’s Greatest Bro coffee mug and; B) Jax is a tattling suck-up who will do anything for attention which caused the fight between Ariana and Kristen on the beach, thus spiraled into a fight between Tequila Katie and Be-haloed Tom 2. Jax sulks that when Tom was with Kristen he was a lot more fun.

Since Ariana is the Eeyore of SUR. Can someone please re-attach her side-braid with some extra-sticky honey? 

Tom 1 stomps off to mix some drinks, and luckily Jax is distracted from introspecting when Tom 2 arrives, followed by Lisa. Tom is frustrated by the barrage of hurtful Tequila Katie‘s texts, and far from Lisa being sympathetic or pointing out Katie’s wrong-doing,  she encourages Tom to take it and accept blame for the sake of appeasing Katie. OK, that is the WORST advice ever. First of all, for the past 4 years Lisa has been complaining that Tom 2 is spineless; second of all, she’s basically condoning him putting up with verbal abuse! Lisa – you’re slipping, as they say. 

The news gets worse, however, when Lisa learns that Katie is in Palm Springs courting Stassi. This also upsets Jax. What if everyone becomes friends with Stassi again, and Stassi convinces them to kick Jax out of the group. OH! My, MY! How ripe with irony. So perhaps Jax is feeling the way Tom 1 is feeling after all his friends chose Kristen over him?!

In Palm Springs Kristen is prodding a cauliflower with a spatula while Stassi is guzzling vodka, when the doorbell rings.  Lingering outside, with her finger hovering over the button until Scheana threatened to sing, is Katie. Kristen starts running around, jumping up and down like it was the Publisher’s Clearing House check and the entire amount was made out to her favorite liquor store, but Stassi started quivering like an overly-emotional teenager. Grow the hell up ladies in your 30’s! 

Katie and Stassi have “The Talk” while Kristen and Scheana try to eavesdrop. Stassi cries, apologizing profusely, but it’s fake tears and hollow statements telling Katie what she wants to hear. Katie pretended like she held a firm line with Stassi. They hug and Katie officially invites Stassi to her engagement party. 

Katie was so uncertain of how things with Stassi were gonna go, Scheana booked a hotel room, just in case, but now Katie wants to stay at the house and have a slumber party with her past. Scheana’s false eyelashes tremble. Painful memories of her days being ostracized come flashing back! She worked so hard to become queen but now, a low-rent version of Stassi in her prime was replacing her and Scheana has visions of herself being left-out again. Kristen is over-joyed: her life is complete, the trio of her soulmates again unfractured, her Rubik’s cube of delusional enabling back together. In a frankly creepy and leering way she slobbered on Katie and Stassi, kissing and nuzzling their faces, while cheering. 

Suddenly Scheana starts having a conscience over her treatment of Ariana. Does this bitch truly expect sympathy? She cast Ariana aside because Kristen was “fun” and now she’s realizing that Kristen and Stassi haven’t changed, their true colors are Shady and Bitchy and they won’t hesitate to dispose of Scheana again. 

At SUR, Lisa lectures Ariana over her issues with Scheana and encourages Ariana to “work harder” at her friendship. Apparently Ariana just needs to make more time to stare at the photos of Scheana’s wedding or something. This confuses me – doesn’t Lisa despise Kristen? You might think that Scheana essentially placing her friendship with Kristen above her friendship with strike a chord with Lisa, but no! Ariana wonders why her so-called friends are such babies.

Lisa is full of bad advice and even worse intentions this episode. The only good thing that came out of her was the paychecks she pulled out of her uber expensive purse!

The next morning Scheana is feeling insecure. Kristen tries to push her into morning drinking, then laughs at her for being married and no longer fun. Scheana is wearing a “Mrs. Shay” hat to drive the point home! 

To make matters worse Kristen informs Scheana that Ariana doesn’t consider Scheana her best friend anymore. This upsets Schenaa who’s going through soooo much! Shay’s not making her the happiest woman on earth and now Ariana isn’t being the perfect best friend. Scheana complains Ariana is the bad friend for turning against while she’s having so many issues with Shay. Even worse, Ariana is being nice to Shay, but treating Scheana like a bitch. Like a bitch ghost. 

Kristen and Stassi float around in the pool, while Scheana sobs to Katie about losing all her friends when she won’t even have Ariana to fall back. Katie insists she doesn’t consider Kristen and Stassi her BFF anymore, but Scheana is her still bestie.

Scheana is pathetic! Exactly how old are these people? Cause they need to go back to first grade for a little common core lesson in friendship! 

Everyone leaves Palm Springs on Cloud 9; Kristen wanting to celebrate with more booze. Stassi is elated because she now she has full control over Katie again. Katie is happy, under the misguided belief that Stassi has changed. Everyone is happy but Scheana who’s plagued by great uncertainty. And Rachel who’s forced to be drunk Kristen’s chauffer. 

When Katie returns to LA she and Tom 2 have a heart-to-heart. Which consists of Katie brow-beating Tom into apologizing. It’s his fault she turned into Tequila Katie, because he “didn’t have her back” by daring to suggest that Tom 1 deserved friends who care about his feelings. 

Last but not least, James has lunch with his mom who solely blames Kristen for his getting fired from PUMP. Even James has the wherewithal to recognize that Kristen isn’t responsible. James’ mom complains that Kristen “always has a drink in her hand” and James has an epiphany about why he wants to be with Kristen: She’s exactly like his mum! James calls his mummy out, but she responds by belligerently yelling at James. Seeing that exchange suddenly I feel bad for James and the little twerp is starting to make a lot more sense! 

Am I the only one that finds it completely baffling that this group is in paralytic PTSD over Stassi and can’t forgive her, yet they have no cognizance that Tom and Ariana may be feeling the same way over Kristen????? 

TELL US – DID KATIE STAND HER GROUND WITH STASSI? IS ARIANA BEING A BAD FRIEND TO SCHEANA?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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