Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: All Out War

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Teddi Mellencamp hosted an All In retreat which no one wanted to go to at all, so they went all in on Kyle Richards instead.

Despite being invited, told it didn’t matter if she attended, and then ultimately being uninvited there is Sutton Stracke, riding in a car with Kyle and Erika Jayne to Teddi’s retreat.

Sutton, displaying her good southern manners, listens to Kyle prattle on about how busy she is. Being Kyle is an exhausting, nonstop, all-consuming, ever-involved endeavor of Kyle-ness. Like Kaftans Through the kloset karosel, these are the days of Kyle’s life. Sutton is actually only half-paying attention because she’s consumed with her own worries about dealing with Teddi. Even though Sutton apologized and received a reluctant OK to attend the retreat she’s still nervous about what to expect. 

As they pull up to the Courtyard Marriott with kitchenette where Teddi is hosting 50 of her biggest sycophants in a cult of low blood sugar and high muscle density, Sutton tears up with anxiety. She’s stressed to be attending the event of a person who not only doesn’t want her there, but isn’t speaking to her. This is all Kyle’s fault for insisting Sutton had to come along. Of course Kyle totally understands where Sutton is coming from because way back in S1 she went to Camille Grammer‘s Tony Awards party when they weren’t speaking. It was hard, and it was treacherous, but Kyle persevered! Oh who is that bitch kidding – Kyle wouldn’t miss a Tony Awards party for a coronavirus outbreak.

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It’s weird to see a softer side of Sutton who initially came across all steel and grit, then flounders in the boxing class; shirking all the punches and proving she barely knows left from right. In the combat of frienmies, I expected Sutton to hang a little tougher. Maybe she was having an off day after being forced to eat spinach?

I’m surprised Kyle didn’t drop down into a split in that boxing class!

I’m not sure I understand the point of this retreat. The only exercise was a boxing class at 10am, but everything else was pure leisure. Lunch, followed by free time (aka the spa and the bar), meditation, closing with dinner. I thought this was a diet program? Despite the lax schedule it’s still a arduous struggle for Dorit Kemsley to participate.

Dorit was expected late, but rolls in around 1pm looking like a Vogue Magazine athliesure spread complete with a giant, bright yellow plastic ponytail attached to the top of her scalp with a headband. The look was … ridiculous. The best part was this purse which looked like one of Dorit’s kids got ahold of a Sharpie while mommy was pilfering from daddy’s checkbook. It actually read, “Cash Inside.” Dorit – you can posture all you want, but Monopoly money is worthless! Just like PeeKay’s checkbook!

 

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It’s obvious Dorit was late to get glam done done, yet blames it on needing to take her kids to school and wanting to avoid traffic. Kyle is immediately irritated. The problem is that Kyle believes she’s busier than Dorit, and that her time is more valuable, yet she still managed to be on time. The bigger problem is that Kyle feels frumpy after waking up at 5am to drive out to Laguna when she could’ve spent that time getting a blow-out and a curated exercise costume.

Dorit feels no remorse, because as Teddi explained, she didn’t even care if they came or not! Plus PeeKay is out of town which means Dorit is home alone with the kids. I’m assuming she left them at the ‘farm house’ in a barricade constructed from borrowed purses and designer belts, all so she could go all-in with Kyle? As the ladies are getting massages Kyle continues to pick on Dorit. This time insisting it mattered to Teddi that they showed up.

Teddi credits her dismissive attitude to Lisa Rinna stirring her up with tales of how the women would rather gouge their eyes out with Target makeup brushes or be forced to eat chocolate before attending a celebrity party than work out with her for a couple hours. After that Teddi girded her loins, which means putting on an extra pair of leggings, and adopted her flippant attitude about whether or not they showed up.

Teddi is actually annoyed that her friends would only attend to support her. She wants them to want to be All In. She wants them to want her, you guys! If Dorit is there just to show support she’s being disingenuous. “If someone’s going to support you and they’re sating that they want to support you, clearly it’s not a job, it’s a pleasure,” Dorit argues. Which is an excellent point – Teddi can’t have her cake and eat it too… Or rather, since Teddi never eats cake… Teddi can’t have her rice cakes and eat them too: she either wants her friends there, and is happy to have them in attendance – or she doesn’t.

This added layer of dismissiveness leaves Dorit fuming. After massages, they all hit the bar where Sutton once again apologize to Teddi and they parse through their miscommunication. While that’s happening, literally right behind Teddi’s back, Dorit leans over and whispers to Kyle and Erika that she’s pissed Teddi doesn’t appreciate her support so she wants to leave early. Basically Dorit came for the photo-op.

 

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This is when Kyle starts hardcore fighting Teddi’s battles. Like this is the cross-fit of friendship defending. Literally considering that Teddi once actually spent a season arguing with Dorit over her being late!

Back in their room, as they’re preparing to miss the 5pm meditation, Kyle comes at Dorit for not wanting to stay. Kyle thinks it’s the ultimate in rudeness. Dorit snaps back that she has a “fucking life” and doesn’t need to waste time where she’s not wanted. Kyle takes personal offense to this because she too has a fucking life, in case you didn’t know, and it includes FILMING A MOVIE + kaftans. Actually Kyle’s also in the process of writing, directing, producing, and starring in a movie about kaftans. It’s called The Life Of Ki. A tale of 2,000 kaftans and their fight for acceptance in the fashion world. Anyway, it’s all very time-consuming and taxing, and far more important than getting your fake hair done.

Since they’re all there because they care about Teddi and want to support her, they bail on the 5pm meditation to continue their argument.

At this point Denise Richards finally arrives. She’s there for one fajita and 15 minutes of Kyle sniping at Dorit. She should’ve stayed in the car to sext Aaron about hooking a Roomba up to your adrenal glands to get Big Pharma Special-Ops off your tail. Obviously Denise is just there to support Teddi, so Teddi should throw her ass out.

 

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Denise makes the tragic mistake of asking if everyone had a good time, which leads into another spate of bickering between Dorit and Kyle. I will say Kyle does an A+ impersonation of Dorit describing what an exhausting day she had: the massage, the lunch, the glam, the afternoon of dealing with Kyle’s shit. Round, and round and round it goes — so it looks like Dorit got some exercise after all!

Honestly this is beyond stupid, but Dorit is in the right here. Teddi is clearly NOT upset that Dorit was late since this retreat is NOT about Dorit. In fact Teddi seemed rather happy by how well everything went. Instead KYLE is upset with Dorit supposedly on Teddi’s behalf.

Back in Beverly Hills Garcelle Beauvais is relieved to have skipped the whole thing and gotten dinner with her sons instead. Despite their acrimonious divorce Garcelle and Mike co-parent amicably and their kids are happy and adjusted. Garcelle jokes that by LA standards she’s practically running a sweat shop by insisting her sons do chores like load the dishwasher.

 

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Contrast that to Lipsa who probably still wipes her daughters’ butts! Amelia is back in LA after an anxiety and depression flare-up in NYC. She’s moving back home and trying to get into USC — without fake rowing photos! I really don’t care about Amelia’s mental health issues, and I also think at some point we have to let our children fail, learn and grow from it. Cleaning up every mess with turmeric shots and green infusions isn’t a solution if you want your children to gain independence.

Also at what point is Lipsa gonna get a storyline besides this? It’s clear Amelia’s issues are directly linked to Lipsa’s attention-seeking. Right in the middle of their heart-to-heart Lipsa notices paparazzi and interrupts Amelia to start waving frantically at them, desperate for acknowledgement.

Then Denise and Aaron throw a party at their new house. It’s a simple backyard affair with a pizza and ice cream buffet. Which is far too normal when I was expecting a giant microwave to be zapping people to put cancer in their bodies so they learn to appreciate how awesome their cells are.

Denise warns the women to wear grass-appropriate shoes, but fancies things up with a giant diamond-shaped ice sculpture. It’s kooky and wacky, but perfectly Denise. Kyle is nervous about attending because she hasn’t spoken to Dorit since the retreat. Dorit really has no idea what’s wrong and is predictably more concerned with her outfit which is straight out of 1990’s Carmen Electra. She also has this weird gelled curl plastered to her forehead. Dorit looks like a cartoon. In a bad way.

 

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Kyle went into this party looking for a fight. She started making fun of Dorit’s retreat outfit with Lipsa. Garcelle rode to the party with Dorit, so Kyle sidled up to her for dirt on what Dorit said in the car. Garcelle does not take the bait.

Denise is late getting ready so Kyle, Lipsa, and Erika are stuck milling around her backyard by themselves which gives Kyle ample opportunity to mock everything, especially the ice sculpture. This coming from a woman who held that ludicrous White Party with Fat Burger truck several years in a row! Kyle is a sanctimonious ass-hat who badly needs LVP there to check her. Clearly Denise is making a play on their Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills intros and it’s cute.

Denise’s daughters and their friends are also attending, along with Teddi’s kids, which means it’s the perfect time to have a loud, raucous conversation about whose had a three-way. We learn Erika once dated a couple. Although she wants it to sounds scandalous it mainly seems like she was the third-wheel on a dinner date, then went home alone. While all the women are carrying on shrieking about kissing girls, Denise is furiously hissing that her kids can overhear. Then Dorit starts making jabs that Kyle’s had her own lesbian encounters by sharing a bed with Teddi.

This means it’s time to revisit the retreat argument. Unsurprisingly Kyle is still mad. Especially after she discovered Dorit did an instagram photoshoot the day of the retreat and this is the real reason she was late. Kyle accuses Dorit of being more focused on her appearance and her image than anything else. Is this supposed to be surprising? Dorit is shocked by how mean Kyle is being. Even Denise defends her, because really what does it matter? When Denise gets up to go get ice cream Kyle leans over to Sutton and sneers that Denise looks like a “ragamuffin” and is now trying to act like hot shit since she got her hair done for the party. Really Kyle?!

 

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Dorit, meanwhile, complains that Kyle and Teddi are conjoined twins who come as a package deal. Except unlike Twix Bars, no one wants both. Also Kyle defends Teddi to an almost over-zealous point, but never anyone else. Kyle would like to enter into evidence Goodbye KYYYYLE PuppyGate, where she lost one of her closest friends (LVP) defending Dorit over a dog and a d-list tabloid article. And Lispa would like to enter into evidence that time that Kyle stood up for Kim at the expense of Lipsa. Now hold the mother-fucking baggy of pills – OF COURSE Kyle should defend her family over her friend. Although Kyle hasn’t always done this. Actually, I was all set for Lipsa to get ultra shady and point out how Kyle didn’t defend LVP last season, but obviously she made it about herself instead.

Kyle bursts into tears and tells Lipsa to “fuck off.” Denise interjects that Kyle’s not being nice, and Kyle snaps that Denise needs to leave her alone. Or perhaps Kyle needs to leave Denise’s house?

Is it ironic that Denise is trying to squash talk of three-ways given what we know takes place later this season? Is this holier than thou morality act what gets the women riled up about exposing Denise? The punishment doesn’t fit the crime because no one’s pre-teen should be subjected to a bunch of their mom’s middle-aged friends going into detail about their sex lives. Barf.

TELL US – IS KYLE FIGHTING TEDDI’S BATTLES OR DOES DORIT’S RUDE BEHAVIOR NEED TO BE CALLED OUT?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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