Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: It Was Only A Kiss

Hannah Ferrier‘s house of cards is tumbling on Below Deck Mediterranean and all it took was Joao Franco making out with her second stew to send it all tumbling down!

The fateful event happened at Hannah’s own birthday party – which is supposed to be all about revering Hannah for the greatness that she is by pushing her up the dock in a shopping cart, legs splayed, waving a cigarette, and that DE-SIGN-NER Yves Saint Laurent top covered in cake and ash. Conrad Empson this is a glimpse at your future!

Poor Kasey Cohen, who was just imagining her own future as Joao’s girlfriend, looks on in horror as he and Brooke Laughton start making out at the beer bottle covered table. Hilariously Kasey and Jamie Jason troll Joao by cleaning up right in front of him and glaring him down as he’s trying to have his ‘moment’ with Brooke. 

Back on the boat, Hannah demands Conrad be the “big spoon” in their tiny bunk – which is the only time Conrad is the big or important anything in this relationship, because I think Adam Glick said it correctly when he predicted, smirkingly, “I’m pretty sure Hannah’s gonna break his dick off.” Then he’ll always have to be the little spoon. Whomp, whomp!

It’s obvious why Brooke got into stewarding – she’s obsessed with cleaning up people’s messes and being a ‘helper’ type. Clearly, her attraction to Joao is that she wants to fix him. She knows this is going no place good as she whispers, “This is a terrible idea,” while she’s rolling over to make out with him underneath a duvet, suffocating with her own delusions. Take your own advice, lady!

The next day Joao is preening and gloating, Kasey is furious and confused, and Colin Macy-O’Toole has a pouty face that even his uber-reflected Diff Eyewear can’t hide! If only he’d confessed sooner to liking Brooke! The solution is obviously that Kasey and Colin get together, right? (We wish). Perfect timing for all of them to be trapped on a catamaran and on an island because Captain Sandy Yawn is sending them on a day off. It’s actually more of a day off for her – like sending your kids to summer camp. She does a sigh of relief as she literally shoves the last one of them off the dock. Evan Jamie who spends the day hacking up a lung, giving her even less patience for Joao.

And what better way to get your headspace right before super demanding guests Kenny and Amber AllVodkaNoOnions return as the charter guests from Adam’s nightmare? I mean, the perfect preparation is to spend 24-hours in a binge-drinking drama-fest while your co-workers act like middle school students in hysterics over relationships!

AND NO MORE NO MORE ONIONS (Said in my best Mommie Dearest wire hanger rage voice) indeed as Adam throws an entire drawer of them away before boarding the catamaran.

As Kasey is cleaning and vacuuming, like the Cinderella to Brooke’s evil step-sister, Jamie confronts Joao about what is going on. Kasey is literally right over his shoulder wielding a broom as he shrugs that he meant it when he kissed Brooke. This guy – what a charmer! What a specimen! I think he’s an excellent candidate for the next Bachelor.

Things don’t get any less awkward while they’re sailing around the Amalfi Coast. Kasey, groomed since birth to be a pageant queen and trophy wife, decides looking good is the best revenge so she sunbathes in a Victoria’s Secret Angel push-up bra worn as a bikini top and brags that compared to Brooke’s “grandma one-piece” this is what Joao’s missing out on. Brooke seems unconcerned as she practices her best Titanic moves and stares dreamily over the prow of the boat. She is also completely unaware that Hannah is in a massive tizzy over whatever is going on with Joao.

Hannah tersely warns Brooke that if she’s gonna “do something” with Shamooooooow (shammy + Joao!), “then just stay the f–k away from me.” But the future Lorena Bobbit of the high Seas also confides to Colin that she wishes Brooke would have realized what a great guy he is instead. I agree, but c’mon Hannah.

This relaxing sojourn comes to an end when they arrive at Conca del Sogno, a beautiful beach-front resort where they spend the day drinking, hiking, making out, and in Jamie’s case suffering from bronchitis. SEXXY.

Even sexier is when Conrad wakes up from a nap with a hard-on and Hannah purrs, “You must’ve have been dreaming about me, honey!” MEEEEE (want to GAAAG).

Broao seems as much a couple as Conrad and Hannah, which is not what Hannah wants! She wants to be the alpha couple. This is about control for Hannah, and, also after the way Joao has treated her, she feels it’s a betrayal for Brooke to have an interest in him. But Brooke is one desperate granny, clearly!

Instead of covertly trying to attract Joao’s attention only to pretend rebuff him, then spend the day sulking while pretending not to care, Kasey should’ve completely ignored Joao and Brooke’s insensitive and weird make-outs to hang out with the hot Italian tour guide.

The highlight of the day was when Jamie procured from seemingly nowhere a flask shaped like a dildo. Is it Conrad’s member after Hannah got handy with a cocktail skewer after he dared defy her, or was Adam being metaphorical, not literal? One can never tell! After asking the waitstaff to fill it with vodka it is served back to her on a silver platter, like the finest caviar, squirting alcohol. Mmmmmm… (sarcasm)

Things get even weirder over dinner. Hannah and Kasey are now friends, bonded over their anger at Brooke. They complain about how Joao is using her and she will have to learn the hard way what a mistake she’s made. I agree with all of this – but this is self-serving talk, not concerned friends talk. Even worse Brooke overhears them and asks them to stop discussing her while she’s sitting right there, as if she’s some sort of toddler with tantrum trouble (aka Hannah), but they don’t – they just keep at it, as if to justify that they weren’t being mean, and weren’t doing anything wrong.

And guess what – this is the day off that doesn’t end! Which is how it’s supposed to be unless you’re on a Bravo reality show. Days-off are supposed to be fun and relaxing, especially ones in gorgeous scenery and luxury resorts, but no – it just goes on and on and on in cyclical drama over Brooke’s err in judgment and how it is Hannah’s duty to remind every single person – including, passive-aggressively – Brooke. It’s also her way of showing Brooke that she will be punished for not staying in line.

Hannah is so worked up over Brooke she picks a fight with Conrad who is tired of hearing about it. Hilariously Hannah is wearing a camo shirt which says “Eternal Dilemma” while this argument is happening. I’m sure it’s the finest designer T.J. Maxx had to offer! Conrad, remembering what his life was like before he was constantly babysitting Hannah’s emotional meltdowns, instead hangs out with Adam, a fellow escapee, to pile as much stuff on top of a passed out Colin as they can find. It becomes a towering fortress of mishmash, a literal Target atop Colin’s sleeping form, including someone’s sequined sandals – which is what finally makes him wake up and send the entire melange crashing down. Is this a metaphor to Hannah’s control over the group?

Back on board the Talisman no one is relaxed or refreshed. Jamie feels like death, Colin is still drunk enough to literally drink crushed Pringles from the can, and Hannah is now raging at Conrad for daring to sleep in his own bed.

Only Broao seem at peace. This is where we get to see the softer side of Joao, the side the editors want us to believe is the reason he’s such a callous bastard: he’s had a hard life and is incapable of knowing how to love! Also, the pressures of Zimbabwe are upon his shoulders – he must singlehandedly bolster the economy, promote independence, and prove his manliness! Brooke turns out to be a good shoulder to cry on because she’s watched about a zillion British versions of Lifetime Movies about love and never giving up on your flawed man. Joao opens up about his past, then rushes to the bathroom to for-real cry while Brooke holds and consoles him. Look, I feel bad for Joao, but yeah… I don’t need this RomCom from the 80’s shit!

Meanwhile, Hannah starts having some sort of panic attack about Conrad not loving her enough because he’s tired of her cigarette-breath rants. She wakes Adam up at 4 am to cry and gasp for air about not trusting men. Good GOD.

The next morning everyone is hung over, compounding other issues. Jamie tells Captain Sandy she has the flu, and is immediately sent off ship for the doctor. But Hannah is also too ill to get out of bed! She’s just having a full-blown anxiety attack and is cowering in her bunk dry heaving. Over Conrad.

Sandy notices that Hannah is doing NOTHING to prepare for the arrival of Kenny and Amber – omg the most demanding guests ever – and calls her to the bridge. Hannah is practically foaming at the mouth as she bursts into tears and flees, forcing Sandy to chase her back to her cabin where Hannah sobs that she’s falling in love with Conrad but has abandonment issues and is pushing him away. This means Hannah gets a dispensation from work to lie around all day while the rest of the crew hustles overtime. Did anyone else have this fleeting moment of thinking Hannah had accidentally fallen pregnant, like a true soap opera?!

Jamie returns to the boat diagnosed with a bronchial infection and is placed in the quarantine room, which actually looks like a super nice hotel room. Hannah was probably pissed her panic attack got upstaged, so she had to tough it out in the toddler bed.

Before the guests’ arrival, which will include a former NBA star, Sandy gives the crew a heartwarming talk about how they must support each other even though they are down two team members. This means Kasey has to actually DO work for a change, and Conrad better be on his A-game and off Hannah’s C-list hissyfits about finding it in her heart to push past her fears of being called a cougar commitment to build a better life with the bosun! Conrad seems… relieved, actually! He was in great, eager spirits as Hannah wallowed in her build a bear bunk.

Sandy lets Hannah return to bed after welcoming Kenny and Amber because Hannah needs more time to recover from her hangover more rest. Kenny and Amber couldn’t care less about Hannah however, their bone to pick is with Adam, who knows if he wants to reach that Michelin Star status he has to prove himself to food critic extraordinaire Kenny! Basically, Kenny is his Moby Dick. Kenny comes prepared for battle, first surprising Adam with a custom “No Onions” hat, then when lunch is already prepped and the table set, by asking Brooke and Sandy if they can have a picnic at a nearby beach. No problem – Adam is ready, he’s limbered up, he’s focused, he’s got no onions to distract him, and he had coolers on standby.

The real question is: Is Brooke ready to handle the K&A Game alone? This is clearly some revenge orchestrated by Hannah, wasn’t it?

Are we really only mid-way through this season?!

TELL US – WAS HANNAH’S PANIC ATTACK LEGIT? DOES EVERYONE NEED TO LEAVE BROOKE ALONE OR DOES SHE DESERVE CRITICISM?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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