Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: Nama’stay Petty

Last night was the pre-finale for Real Housewives Of New Jersey. Since Jacqueline Laurita had laryngitis, she let Milinia do all the talking for her. Finally because at least Milania’s outbursts make a lot more sense! A silent Jacq is still deadly though… thank be the powers of the smart phone put into dumb hands.

Oh that Milania, I don’t care – I love her. Teresa Giudice acknowledges that Milania is not adjusting well to Juicy being “away.” And why should she? On Juicy’s first day in the slammer, Joe, Melissa Gorga, and the kids come over with sprinkle cookies Chinese food to check in on Teresa and the girls. They find Milania mouthing off all kinds of projecting, and Teresa is in a tailspin.

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Then Milania takes Juicy’s quad for a spin, racing down the driveway at full speed ready to blow this popsicle stand. Teresa merely shrugs and eats another eggroll. The next 3 years are going to be interesting… Instead Poison goes outside to assume the roll of Juicy and assure Milania that he’ll always be available to teach her reckless behaviors, badly style her hair, and yell a lot. He certainly is stepping up into Juicy’s roll, but can he do splits?

Dolores Catania‘s remodel is finally complete, so she’s hosting a re-done housewarming party in celebration. I wonder if Melissa brought her a shady card tucked into that Envy bag? Like, ‘You just got a redone house, but I got a new-done house … with Beavers!’ Hey, Melissa could turn those into fur coats to sell in her shop…

Anyway, the more pressing issue is that Jacqueline will be there, but so will Melissa and Teresa. They haven’t seen each other since Vermont froze over. Siggy Flicker comes over beforehand to help Dolores prepare, and she’s a bundle of nerves about what may occur between the trio of former friends, turned former frienemies of convenience, turned enemies of state. Basically Dolores’ party is Terror Alert level Orange – or at least that’s what the collective skin tone color leads me to believe.

Luckily for all involved, Jacqeline has laryngitis and can’t speak. Instead, the Secretary Of Maturity wears a t-shirt that reads “Namast’ay Away From Me.” She lets her husband Chris do the nonsensical confrontations for her. Kim D is also present, braying across the McMansion like the little smart ass that could … Could always get attention if she kicks her Posche heels hard enough, that is. Kim clusters with Jacqueline, awaiting the arrival of Terlissa. (Teresa + Melissa = an ice cream sandwich with no ice cream in the middle of two stale Girl Scout cookies that survived the apocalypse Terlissa.)

On the way to the party, Teresa decides she’s not coming, because Juicy is calling from prison for the first time, and also dealing with Jacqueline’s delusions when you’re already emotionally raw? Namast’ay away, indeed! Melissa and Teresa end the call with “Love Youse”. Poison titters with glee and grows 3″ of hair.

Melissa decides to completely ignore Jacqueline and Kim D. “I see you have the troublemakers here…” she wryly notes to Dolores, who welcomes them while carrying a statue of The Blessed Mother to protect them all. Did she put holy water in the essential oil diffuser too? Jacqueline is similarly avoiding Melissa. Proving that she’s an actual adult, when Dolores learns Teresa isn’t coming, she’s understanding, then texts Tre to let her know she’s thinking of her and that there’s no hard feelings. I think she was trying to role model good friendship behaviors to Jacqueline, or something…

Taking advantage of Jacqueline being silenced, Siggy volunteers to be the most attention seeking guest and introduces Josh with “This is my son Joshua, who came out of my cookie!” Said to a roomful of middle aged people and Dolores’ teenage son Frankie. “I brought Joshua Flicker to the party,” Siggy crows, as a Goodyear Blimp rolls through Franklin Lakes only shuddering to a stop when withered by Caroline Manzo‘s glare as she observes from her back porch.

Then, the Wakiles turn up, because have camera, will cannoli on over! Kathy Wakile is just dull. I used to call her Wallpaper, and she is just background, but worse is Richie who is that sort of loudly searing 1970’s patterned wallpaper that is just impossible to ignore but impossible to like. He just won’t stop sexually harassing Rosie’s girlfriend Laura with BAAAAAD inappropriate jokes about having a four-way. That is not funny! That is beyond lewd, and he’s visibly making his wife, his sister-in-law, and Laura uncomfortable.

While Melissa is hiding in the kitchen with the rigatoni, turning herself into an ice statue as she remains frozen in fear of what Jacqueline may expose next, Poison is dispatched as the family ambassador to the enemy state.

Kathy and Richie are clustered with Jacqueline and Chris when Posion sidles his way over. Joe tries to kiss Jacqueline hello but she shrinks into the corner, clutching her tea cup (spiked with Pimms?) for protection.

“Don’t bust my balls, Joe,” Richie warns, raising his hands, as Poison approaches wondering why no one is happy to see him. It was an awkward scene made more awkward by everyone treating Poison like he came carrying STDs or Dysentery. Man – Dysentery always makes me think of playing Oregon Trail on a green screen “Apple” in my elementary school computer lab. This isn’t a completely useless aside, however, it’s an observation that the emotional intelligence of the RHONJ cast has never evolved past ‘green screen Apples’ and phony dysentery deaths. With Melissa is hiding in the kitchen, Jacqueline escapes to wait in the car while Chris sits Poison down for a chat.

This ‘talk’ was laughable. I cannot believe I am agreeing with any reason or logic presented by Joe Gorga, but here I am. Basically, Chris claims Jacqueline was justified in going “buck wild” on Melissa in Vermont, because she was defending herself against a gang-up. Also, according to Chris, aka Jacqueline’s soldier – actually, captain of her armed guards – Jacqueline didn’t really go crazy, or anything, she was just a little animated in conveying her point.

“What dinner were you at?!” scoffs Poison, flabbergasted. He agrees Chris should defend his wife, but only up to a point, and Jacqueline has made a flying leap over that point, sprinting headlong into the gates of crazy town. Chris is also hurt that Joe and Melissa missed their popcorn launch.

Maybe it was pity, but Poison decides that both Melissa and Jacqueline are to blame for that “little girl fight,” so he invites the Laurita’s to the ENVY show. Then Chis is summoned by Jacqueline laying on the horn in the driveway. OK, I mean, what?! Did she get some sort of husband balls removal service paid for in exchange for twitter promotion? Chris – I am shocked at you!

Back at home, Chris presents the idea of gong to the ENVY show and Jacqueline writes “NO FREAKING WAY” in her notebook.

Teresa, who has decided she has absolutely no interest in any sort of relationship with Jacqueline, is taking out the trash – literally – as she and Milania spend quality time cleaning the garage. I mean, good for Tre for killing two birds with one stone: get Milania to do chores to keep her busy, but turn it into bonding! Teresa asks if there’s anything she can do that Milania used to do with Daddy. Milania’s response is a withering stare accompanied by a hand flip, before shouting, “NO, BABY! You’re embarrassing me!” See – Milania and Jacqueline are on the same wavelength!

Tersea also tries to have a heart-to-heart with Gia and Milania over breakfast, but they’re both like where’s Dad – he made grilled pineapple and would have been three sheets to the wind and we’d have taken pics of him falling off a bar stool by now, then Snap filtered him having a halo of flowers over his ass. Obviously, none of that happened, but I imagine it COULD.

While Teresa is preparing for three years of togetherness with her daughters, Siggy is reconnecting with her mom. She complains that it’s hard to spend time with her mother because she so selflessly gives herself to her children, something Siggy Of The Selfish can’t quite comprehend. Siggy brings her mom to the salon to have her hair curled, and learns her mom hasn’t pampered herself since her wedding day in the 60’s. Then they go out to lunch where Siggy ‘therapies’ her mother over salad until the woman loses her appetite for romaine. Siggy considers the day a success and makes her mom promise she’ll get her hair styled weekly. Do as Siggy says, and as Siggy does if you want to have Siggy-cess!

Dolores has taken note! She hosts a ladies night at her gym which features protein shake martinis, a yoga class taught by Teresa, and a relationship talk from Siggy. I actually think this is a cute event, so kudos for Dolores for figuring out a unique way to market her gym. Once she’s gotten a little taste of Freedom From Frank, there’s no going back now!

Dolores‘ kitchen was even over budget, but instead of asking her ex for more money, she used her own income and savings to finish the project. At 45, Dolores is finally ready for independence. There’s just one setback: Robyn (aka ‘Rage Girl’) shows up unexpectedly, but luckily Jacqueline isn’t there to cause drama, and Robyn is just there to do yoga.

Jacqueline was a no-show because she’s still suffering with the silence. Because she helped Dolores conceptualize the event, and passed out flyers, Dolores is sad she has to miss and calls Jacqueline to check in. Jacqueline feigns sleeping and doesn’t answer. She was having sweet dreams of all the ways she would sabotage Dolores’ success with trumped up accusations and her special brand of batshit crazy-ism. Just you wait…

Meanwhile, at Casa de Poison, Melissa is frantically throwing together this ENVY fashion show to prove to Poison that she’s not just bringing home the crumbs of sprinkle cookies she found in Teresa’s trash. Poison interrupts her hard work to demand Melissa shave his back. Melissa’s like, Can’t you call Milania? She has experience with this you know! Milania Giudice – Guido Back Shaver Extraordinaire. The girl could make a fortune in the Patterson/Montville/Franklin Lakes ‘hood. I wonder if Caroline would let her advertise at the Brownstone?

The day before the ENVY show, Melissa hasn’t even done a dress rehearsal (!) and admits that this is a huge event for a store of her “caliber” to be pulling together. Agreed – fashion shows for boutiques are usually in-house trunk shows, so a full-on runway event of Posche level?! Melissa is nothing if not an ambitious little On Display-er!

With Kim D probably hiding under the runway, waiting for the perfect moment to sabotage, Melissa is in full-on panic mode trying to pull it off. Perhaps Kim D was the little voice in Melissa’s head whispering for her to add more looks at the 11th hour?

Melissa isn’t the only one in a tailspin! Dolores is furious at Jacqueline and finally snapped. On the heels of her successful campaign for independence, she learned Jacqueline has been texting around (she still can’t talk) complaining that Dolores set her up, used her, and then didn’t put her on the flyer for the gym to promote Jacqueline’s services. Which is why she apparently didn’t show up? I’m basically confused here. I mean what was Jacqueline gonna provide? A seminar on Twitter? Or a ‘What Not To Do When You’re Desperate” plastic surgery how-to? Perhaps promote the wondrous effects BLK Water has on single women?

Dolores is livid to find herself the victim of Jacqueline‘s attention-seeking paranoia. Instead of taking Jacqueline’s bait, however, she called and yelled “F-U!” Finally, the Patterson in Dolores comes out and she’s one table flip away from a full transformation. Will she get her chance next week when Siggy hosts a Kumbaya luncheon to promote togetherness and friendship with the unfriendly?

I applaud Dolores for not giving in to Jacqueline’s whackdoodleness. That Dolores is no dummy.

TELL US – WHAT IS JACQUELINE MAD ABOUT? SHOULD JACQUELINE ATTEND THE ENVY SHOW?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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