Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Talk Dirty To Me

On last night’s Real Houseiwves Of Orange County we were all shocked when Kelly Dodd flipped her gender-bending shit and called Meghan Edmonds a bad mom because of her shit-stirring. I mean, talk dirty to me indeed, right?!

This is frustrating because Kelly is in the right about Meghan’s behavior but, as always, Kelly’s delivery and her viciousness get the better of her!

The whole thing started off so promisingly – in a baby store. Amid queries about sleigh cribs or modern cages, Kelly joked with Meghan that perhaps she’s “a lesbo” after a drunken kiss with Shannon Beador. They are like waving from the porch on the back of the caboose on the Katy Perry “I Kissed A Girl” train. Boy did Kelly and Shannon moved quickly – from mortal enemies to K-I-S-S-ING. First comes hate, then comes love, then comes Meghan in the middle!

Meghan is thrilled that her interfering and meddling resulted in Kelly and Shannon becoming quite close. All this positive reinforcement apparently encouraged Meghan to do MORE meddling! Cause what could go wrong?! Only that when Kelly met Shannon at the next bar, she noticed that Shannon’s phone was set to record. Oops. When Shannon realized that Kelly realized, she quickly put the phone away, but Kelly knows what she saw, just not Shannon’s intent. In the interest of maintaining this newfound peace and serenity, Kelly decided to speak to Shannon directly and asks Meghan not to say anything.

Does Kelly not know Meghan at all?  Meghan, who when bored and idle turns her attentions to ‘investigating’ others in the interest of Truth! and Justice! Meghan who believes herself impervious to any wrongdoing. Meghan who is a CONSTANT busy-body?! Seems like Kelly temporarily forgot. Like her memory only works in cued-recall based on what cocktail she was drinking when an incident occurred; or showing up at a certain bar triggers her memory.

Meghan is no quiet woman so by the time Kelly arrives home and changes into clothes and nails which perfectly match her kitchen so she can throw a tantrum about rotten tomatoes, Shannon has called to deny recording her! Cause obviously Me-Me-Me-Meghan has me-me-me-meddled.

Kelly is, rightfully, furious. Did I say “rightfully” in my defense of Kelly Dodd? BRB – gotta lie down.

RELATED – Kelly Is Sick Of Everyone Being In Her Business! 

Anyway, yes, Kelly was right to be upset: she specifically asked Meghan, her friend, NOT to say anything because Kelly, who’s been studying Grown-Ups For Dummies, wanted to speak to Shannon in person about it. Further proving that she’s crushing this Adulting thing, Kelly calls Meghan right away to iron the mess out. Meghan is like [shrug] “Sorry, I was bored while nursing and like, I dunno… there’s only so much Love It or List It one can watch, but I swear I just didn’t want Shannon to be upset…”

Meghan claims Shannon can barely work an iPhone, let alone record Kelly… unless, perhaps, Shannon got a little tutorial from Tamra Judge, who would never-ever play dirty, but Tamra can’t hear anyone’s critiques so long as she has a giant industrial-sized janitorial vacuum strapped to her back. Baby’s Got Back… but gots no one’s back.

Vicki Gunvalson is bored and when Vicki is bored she makes rash decisions like internet cheating with Brooks Ayers, or buying a band-aid boat. You know, when your love tank is puttering, it’s time buy a life boat. Vicki loves to rewrite history to her own convenience and Donn got the boat in the divorce, so find another Donn, find another boat!

Poor Donn Steve is the unwitting VICKtim of her plans. Vicki claims Steve satisfies her in every way – sometimes 2, 3, 4 times per day (BARF). How is Coto Insurance operating amid all this, um, extracurricular activity?! Vicki gushes that she “LOVES marriage” and was married for 30 years (only 2.5 of those years happily, the other half: If it’s Brooks, don’t fix it! Just con ’em). Vicki does remember that, regretfully, we’ve been watching her on on TV for OVER A DECADE. We have seen things. Bad Things like watching Vicki be simpering and flirty with Steve, stroking his ‘manly lavender shirt,’ snorting a proposal into her wine glass. Oh Vicki… instead just give Steve a life jacket and an advance warning of rough seas ahead.

Then Vicki has lunch with Meghanny Drew who vows to solve The Mystery Of The Scorned Friend and discover how Vicki believes she was hurt by Tamra and Shannon!

Vicktim isn’t recalcitrant because she has PROOF that David hit Shannon. Texts, and photos, and evidence… oh my! Vicki admits, however, that she shouldn’t have gossiped or threatened Shannon with salacious allegations, so at least there was that small bit of progress… Maybe?

When Meghan advises Vicki to show Shannon this so-called truth, because Vicki balks, and begs Meghan not to repeat it because Vicki will get in big, big, BIG trouble! Again! Meghan and Vicki are so fake over-dramatic about it – Meghan even insisted she has to talk to Jimmy Dad Jeans (if she can find ’em!) about this damning information.

Why is Shannon’s potentially being in a dangerous relationship ALL ABOUT VICKTIM and ME-ME-ME-Meghan?! They both need hobbies, and I don’t mean buying boats or amateur detectiving!

Meghan immediately calls Shannon and Tamra with the full-report. Shannon and Tamra are up to their own sneaky ways, and are caught buying ‘man outfits’ for all the women to wear at a Drag Bingo fundraiser. Shannon decided that since she has a manly body and long blonde hair she’ll transition into her natural state as Bret Michaels of Poison. And since this show is a toxic cesspool of bad, bad blood…

When they learn that Vicktim is still carrying on about this ‘proof,’ Tamra gleefully announces that Vicki can suck her metaphorical balls.

I interrupt this recap because I just remembered that I totally forgot about Peggy Sulahian. It’s probably because Diko gave Peggy $100 and sent her off to NYC to visit a school with her daughter. Diko has a lot of reservations about trusting Peggy, who might get refer to the subway as a sandwich, and Diko doesn’t want his daughter going off to college so far away.

RELATED – Peggy’s Advice For A Lasting Marriage!

Peggy, meanwhile, allowed her limited understanding of vocabulary to help her realize it’s 2017. I appreciated her belief that Gia needs to make her own decisions, and Peggy is adamant that both her daughters get their degree. I also respect Diko’s concern that NYC is so far, and that he doesn’t want Peggy to push Gia to make a decision.

And I’m beginning to think Diko is a hoarder: he hoards cars, his wife and daughters, and he hovers over Peggy like a butterfly building a cocoon. Peggy can barely buy a bag without him prying it open. Luckily Peggy stands firm that Gia will not be locked in a gilded cage, secured in $60,000 Birkin, and live like Peggy herself does. Maybe Peggy and Shannon should talk… or not, since talking to Shannon literally NEVER goes well.

Back to drag bingo. Kelly and Lydia McLaughlin arrive at Shannon’s to find Tamra dressed as white trash, complete with beer stains on her wife-beater, she’s calling Shannon “my bitch.” Tamra was a natural in the role.

Lydia is uncomfortable. In case you weren’t aware, she’s a christian. And loving and accepting gays was not taught in her sex-ed bible. Lydia decides to go to drag bingo looking like “Charlie Chaplin had a baby with Liza Minelli” and uses this as testimony. At least there will be turkey burgers!

On the bus to Bingo things start to fray – and I don’t mean the mullet wigs! One drink in Kelly gets incensed about Meghan’s meddling. She reveals that Vicki even said Meghan told her how Kelly was talking crap behind her back. Kelly is some prize this season isn’t she? Last year no one could stand her, except Vicki, and now this year everyone is fighting for her allegiance.

And, after a little visit from Tamra’s “psychic friend,” at least Kelly starts to recognize that it’s a calculated attempt to break her and Vicki up and isolate Vicki. Tamra is so pathetically transparent, and much like her White Trash costume, it’s not a good look. Her insides are rotten to the core, and I didn’t see any Jesus in there!

The group of motley pseudo-men met Meghan at Bingo and forced her into a racing-striped jumpsuit and mustache. While that’s happening, Meghan pumps her boobs. Meghan is SO attention-seeking!

Part of going drag for Tamra also apparently meant flexing her faith. Her “gay husband,” (I LOATHE THAT PEDANTIC PUERILE EXPRESSION) Scott, the sometimes psychic and wannabe pop star, continues having ‘revelations’ about Vicki. Scott, as I’m sure you remember, ‘uncovered’ that Brooks was faking cancer – and this sours Meghan because in her mind it was SHE who ripped the chemo turban off the villain’s head. Maybe they can buy an old van, eat a lot of pizza, and team up together with Girly-Girl by their side.

Scott “warns” Kelly that she and Vicki will have a fight, and surprise-surprise – Tamra also got that prophecy! Scott can’t tell what over, or when, or why, but something – something Kelly will do(!) – will gravely upset Vicki. Kelly doesn’t take the bait, nor does Lydia, who is more offended by Scott’s cartomancy than she is watching Shannon get spanked by a drag queen. Yes for a change we got a glimpse of Shannon’s actual crack in lieu of her actual cracking up! It was crack overdose actually, because then Kelly and Meghan also cracked!

It was Tamra who instigated by telling her psychic friend to predict if Kelly was gonna be nice. Unfortunately Meghan found herself on Kelly’s naughty list for pot-stirring under the guise of being a good friend and trying to help. Kelly is correct, but her liquor-loosened lips slosh all over her good points.

Kelly thought Meghan was her friend, but Meghan claims she can’t trust Kelly after she accused Jimmy of having a ten-year affair while Meghan was 7-months-pregnant. Shitty, yes, but haven’t Meghan and Jimmy only been married like 3 years?

Kelly fires back that MEGHAN started it by asking if Kelly had a boyfriend named Blank. Is Blank hot? Tall Dark and Handsome? Rich?! Well, he’s certainly not Michael!

Anyway, this is my favorite part: Shannon gets on a soap box to lecture Kelly that making allegations of someone’s husband cheating is “THE MOST HURTFUL” thing you could ever do, all the while Shannon is sitting next to her BFF Tamra, who not only insinuated David was cheating on Shannon, but repeatedly accused Kelly of cheating on Michael! Kelly, thankfully, immediately yanks up the texts incriminating Meghan (perhaps Vicki needs to take some lessons from Kelly in Text-Accusation Etiquette. Lesson one: Proof is in the iPhone!) and then freaks out at Meghan for bringing this up when they had supposedly moved past it.

Kelly says Meghan is meddling because she’s “thirsty,” and suggests Meghan go home to focus on Aspen instead of going out all the time to get in other’s business. Somehow I think Jimmy agrees… This is hard: I think Kelly is right, but then she, again, takes all her good points and ruins them with her low-blows. Also, Meghan constantly tells everyone how boring motherhood is!

Lydia had scuttled into the bathroom to cry over the reflection of herself in drag, and she came out (zing!) just in time to see Meghan running by in tears with Tamra chasing after her, like: Remember! Remember! Kelly called Tamra a bad mom too! She totally understands! ‘Cause it’s always about Tamra!

Back at the table Shannon, rightfully, lectures Kelly for her mouth, but Kelly feels no remorse. Poor Meghan is shocked that Kelly, who she didn’t think was her friend, would turn on her. And on her way out, de-dragged, she timidly says goodbye to Kelly, but Kelly ignores her. ICE COLD. Kelly should’ve gone in drag as Vanilla Ice.

TELL US – TEAM KELLY OR TEAM MEGHAN?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

The post Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Talk Dirty To Me appeared first on Reality Tea.

from Reality Tea http://www.realitytea.com/2017/09/05/real-housewives-orange-county-recap-talk-dirty/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=real-housewives-orange-county-recap-talk-dirty