Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Mud Honey

We’re moving on, we’re moving backwards, and we’re moving into straight crazy territory on Real Housewives Of Orange County. Who isn’t on the edge of their seat after that preview for the rest of the season? In a war between Vicki Gunvalson and Tamra Judge, it was always a toss-up, but then Tamra found Jesus through jumping jacks and Vicki got ‘duped’ by her own desperation, so now I don’t know… It’s probably still a toss-up!

Apparently Bravo is using Tamra as some sort of Kelly Dodd reflecting pool. Like, ‘Oh remember way back when when Tamra was an irascible ‘naked wasted getting’ bitch throwing wine in her friend’s faces? But now that she’s found the ever-supportive Eddie, she’s calm and centered.’ Like Kelly could be that too if she divorced Michael. I don’t know. Crazy is as crazy does, and crazy takes advice from Tamra and Vicki!

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Tamra has (slowly) improved in the post-Simon years. Maybe it’s Eddie, maybe it’s her “pasture,” maybe it’s Mia’s worshipful abs of steel. I do like Eddie, however. Other than the bathtub porn scene of yore, he seems refreshingly non-famewhorish, rational, calls Tamra out on her crap, and provides her with perspective.

Eddie needs to lend those services to Vicki, because she’s decided that to redeem herself from the Brooks cancer scam, she’ll be a spokesperson for the charity Kill All Cancer. Which isn’t actually a charity, but some sort of insurance to buy in case you get cancer? Whatever is going on here it seems vaguely scummy – if only because the director of Kill All Cancer decides Vicki is the perrrrrrrfect representative for promoting cancer causes. Somewhere Meghan Edwards‘ head would be exploding if she weren’t so preoccupied with not having twins. More on that later.

Honestly in what universe would anyone want Vicki endorsing their cancer charity? The director pretends to have NO idea Vicki was accused of perpetrating a cancer scam with Brooks, and then he shrugged it off as no big deal because Vicki has commercial appeal. I didn’t even know my eyes could roll that hard. Even Vicki’s son Michael, who was present for the meeting, openly scoffs at how ludicrous this is. He’s the one who brings up that Vicki once dated a man who lied about having cancer. Vicki argues that she was at the hospital – she saw the bone aspiration port! – but Michael runs interference to point out that Vicki was only in the waiting room. Oh, Vicki – forever in the waiting room of life, selling insurance in the event shit gets real. So yeah, Kill All Cancer – how about kill that idea!

Across town, Kelly and her Michael are arguing while painting the garage. See, Kelly is a perfectionist, so she expects the perfect marriage, culminating in the perfect divorce. Divorce proceedings ended when her dumb attorney couldn’t convince Michael to sign off on a massive settlement. That is, naturally, Michael’s fault.

These two are in a horribly toxic relationship. I’m sure they’re both mean and aggressive to each other in some ways, and I don’t think Kelly is faking or exaggerating her anguish, but I think this raw anger is in a large part Kelly’s own regret projecting onto Michael. And to a certain degree, I assume, she feels powerless about her life. If she forgoes Michael, she forgoes the OC lifestyle – the money, the fabulous house, the designer purses, but if she stays, she forgoes her own happiness and autonomy. It’s a pickle. And not the palate-cleansing kind!

Kelly confides in her mom, who stayed married to Kelly’s dad for over 20 years, despite being miserable. That’s really… depressing. Kelly’s main reservation about divorcing is because Michael will try to get full custody of Jolie and then Kelly could wind up in Tamra’s situation with a daughter who may not speak to her. That is an awful reality to consider, but probably all the antics Kelly (like Tamra) has pulled on this show aren’t speaking much to her degree of sanity and stability.

If your marital situation was so rocky, wouldn’t you be reading the Heather Dubrow Manaul of Decorum and Deportment For Surviving Bravo? Or at least the bible, Camille Grammer’s Pernicious How-To’s For Fabulous Image Rehab (chapter 1 discusses how to blame your awful philandering evil husband for allowing you to look like a bitch on television as his parting gift). It sounds like Kelly should do a little self-help, before stepping back into the ring of divorce proceedings!

Meanwhile, Meghan is now opening a candle store. Huh?! When life gives you Jimmy Dad Jeans, make candles instead.

Meghan finally manages to find Jim in order to drag him along for their first ultrasound appointment, and holy pregnancy boobs, Meghan! Meghan has a healthy baby inside of her (yay!), but she bursts into tears when she realizes it’s just one baby, not twins. I’m sure the doctor was wondering about the strange man consoling Meghan while she sobbed at the sound of her baby’s heartbeat, but in Dr. Potter’s line of work (and in his line of ex-wives), I’m sure he’s witnessed some crazier things than a blob of play-doh coming to life, transforming into a man, leaning over to hug a pregnant woman in the stirrups.

Luckily, Tamra has just what the doctor ordered – a healing trip to a spa known for its mud baths for the “Glammath Four.” Do they sell t-shirts to support the Glammath Four survivors? Heather scurries around the corner at the sound of a cork popping. “This makes up for the time you almost killed us,” Heather trills in the toast.

They strip down to go wade in some hot mud, which was funny because that’s where they started slinging mud about Shannon Beador‘s marriage. I totally forgot to even talk about Shannon’s descent into a closet-vortex moving fiasco. Shannon waited until the day-of to NOT PACK the 13,500 square-feet of closets in her non-toxic mansion, which resulted in her frantically stuffing stuff into plastic garbage bags (BPA TOUCHED SHANNON’S STUFF – OMG!).

Realizing that her non-toxic house brought her nothing but toxins, Shannon and David are moving into an ode to 1980’s design, which just happens to be walking distance from Kelly’s house! Is that Feng Shui or fate? “I’ll know where to go if I ever need to borrow a cup of tequila,” snarks Shannon. Which… I mean, that actually sounds like a positive in neighboring relations to me?

Shannon may be giving up her “hospital-grade air,” but she’ll also be leaving behind all the bad memories of that time David had The Affair. Oh, had you heard David had an affair?

When they finally arrive at the rental property, Shannon is shocked to find all her baggage scattered everywhere, walling her in like a tunnel. As she struggles to escape the labyrinth of her own past, David gropes blindly for the alcohol. Might be time to pay a visit to Kelly! (Or hire movers.) It was interesting seeing Shannon hyperventilate among her boxes and boxes and bags of just, well, stuff – as if Shannon was confronted with the reality of the facade she so carefully constructed with expensive tchotchke. Her house was her “fourth baby,” but it did nothing but conceal all her unhappiness in formaldehyde-free finery, leaving her without WiFi and cut off from the real world in which David was out there having an affair. And not only that, but introducing his mistress to his mother! Like, what?!

Did you know Shannon’s MIL hates her? Apparently everyone in the OC knows this. Sort of like everyone in the OC knew Brooks didn’t have cancer. But Shannon’s MIL hates her so much she actually encouraged David to leave Shannon for his mistress, and socialized with David and the mistress on a regular basis. Given that we know Shannon’s MIL is going around town talking crap about her, and that Heather heard rumors way-back when, I sort of believe Vicki’s ascertain that it was common knowledge.

Back in the mud bath, Vicki informs a shocked (but smirking) Tamra that Shannon’s MIL felt David was happier with Mistress Nicole, and wanted him to divorce Shannon. Also that Nicole met David’s family on several occasions. Heather confirms this and she heard it from Shannon, actually. Tamra cannot stop her mouth from dropping open at the excitement of such judicious gossip. As Vicki reminds us that David’s affair went on for a year+, so the eyes of OC were watching!

After, Tamra fills Vicki and Heather in on the rest of the drama that went down at the LOCK concert. Vicki shrugs that while Shannon didn’t ‘push’ David to cheat, people who are happily married don’t cheat – and Vicki would know! Look – gotta agree with Vicki here. I don’t think Shannon is responsible for making David happy, and David’s decision to have an affair was his own making, no matter how many excuses he makes or that he claims his father cheated so that’s what he saw, but in general, I don’t think happily married people cheat. Or actively make plans to leave their wives by introducing their mother to the mistress. That’s next level cheating.

Also, the similarities between David’s mother and Shannon are scarily striking – David’s mother is controlling, histrionic, prone to outbursts,  holds grudges, and has never gotten over her husbands affair… Even Eddie mentions that he doesn’t know how David stands Shannon’s drama. O-U-C-H.

After mud, the ladies get massages in rooms built for two. Tamra and Heather pair-off immediately, leaving new couple Vicki and Kelly together. During the massage, Kelly opens up about how awful things are with Michael. She sobs that he’s so disrespectful he screamed “shut up!” at her in front of Jolie and a friend. Worse, he did nothing to celebrate their 10th anniversary. Even worse, when Kelly bought herself a new purse, he accused her of getting it as a gift from another male. He’s controlling and Kelly admits it’s hard for them to trust each other after their 2-year separation and acrimonious almost-divorce.

Vicki, who is not only crusading for cancer, but marital reunification, has re-branded herself as counselor, and encourages Kelly not to give up like she did with Donn. Although even Vicki is aghast that Kelly didn’t get an anniversary card from Michael – “I like a card,” she chirps. We know. Oh, boy, do we know how much Vicki likes a written affirmation! Isn’t that HOW she got ‘lured in’ by Brooks, of the phony Hallmark sentiments and the greeting card a day makes the rational thinking go away?

Vicki doesn’t want Kelly to have a lifetime of empty love tank that she’s desperate to fill. “Getting divorced isn’t fixing it,” Vicki explains. After all, look where divorce got Vicki – first with Brooks, then sleeping alone, frantically trying to jump start her own engine. Vicki also astutely points out that Michael isn’t solely to blame for their issues – it takes two people to make a marriage work and two to make it fail; whether those two people are Shannon and David, Kelly and Michael, or Vicki and Donn.

Kelly is at a cross-roads: should she stay or should she try again to go? She is so emotional, which translates to loud, that Tamra and Heather overhear her in their own massage hut.

Those that can’t do, teach – so although it is absolutely, resolutely, insane to take any sort of relationship advice from Vicki, I think all her points were pretty sound. Too bad our Persecuted On The Cross Of Empty Love Tanks And Recycled Hallmark Cards Vicktim doesn’t take her own advice!

So, is Vicki gonna start selling divorce insurance in case your marriage doesn’t last? She could call it Kill All Love: Protect Your Best Asset – your love tank heart!

After massages, the ladies all meet up for lunch and drinks, and to decide what on earth one wears to “cocktails at the candle store,” aka Meghan’s grand opening.

Tamra compares her situation with Simon to Kelly‘s issues with Michael. And Kelly wearing her hurt on her designer sleeve – Tamra has been there too. But thanks to Kelly, Tamra now has a name for Simon’s nefarious manipulations – narcissist. Tamra warns a sobbing Kelly that divorcing Michael will be worse than staying with him in some ways, but so much better in others. Even Kelly’s mother wants her to divorce Michael, but she just can’t even fathom living without her daughter every day and she just has no idea what to do. It’s a tough situation.

When you are turning to Tamra and Vicki for marital advice, things have got to be bad. I mean, who’s next – Meghan?

TELL US – SHOULD KELLY TAKE MARITAL ADVICE FROM TAMRA AND VICKI? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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