I may not know much about the Bible but I do know about the rules and regulations of being a Real Housewife. So I know that Housewivesomy, Bravobial Truths states Thou Shall Honor Girl Code Above All Else. For some reason, for all Vicki Gunvason‘s learning about how the botoxed and manicured hearts and half-witted minds of her species works, she cannot take this to heart. So that is how it goes on The Real Housewives Of Orange County – the same tide that washes in good intentions taketh them away.
However, even in the real world, many cameras and storylines removed from anything touched by Andy Cohen or the dark waters climbing up the spiral staircase leading to Kelly Dodd‘s mid-century un-modern denial, it is bad form – very very bad form – to start double-dating with your friend’s ex-husband WITHOUT TELLING HER. How are we expected to believe that even Vicki is this stupid? Hasn’t she learned from Shannon Beador and Tamra Judge that involving herself in anyone’s marriage, or the disintegrating lack thereof, only leads down the path to H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks!
Shockingly Vicki wasn’t all bad this episode though. She sent Eddie Judge casseroles. OK, well, the low-carb, low-fat, low-deliciousness version called salads that Eddie and Tamra eat, cause they are people whose body fat composition looks like slick, spongy insides of a zucchini (I don’t know what that means, it just sounds funny). Vicki could’ve zoodled those zucchinis herself and baked love notes inside them, but Eddie still – wisely – wouldn’t eat it. He doesn’t trust Vicki Gunvalson as far as she can throw a kettle ball while doing a squat. (Maybe she is Miss Trunchbull in secret?)
To Vicki delivering food is basically her way of saying I’m sorry, I love you, I’m no longer a flat-earther, and guess what: I learned all the valuable lessons, and hope you’ll let me stuff you full of my needs and wants and delusions like this flaky tatertot crust clogs a cheesy broccoli. It is not a bad way to admit you’ve done wrong or show love, except Eddie probably doesn’t eat cheese and this is Orange County. So Vicki had to do the hard work here because as Eddie, a man so buff he gave himself a heart injury will tell you, anything worth having takes hard work. And he would know this especially as he is married to Tamra!
Vicki isn’t the only one making moves! Shannon’s attorney advocated for David to keep her in the manner she is accustomed to; except for that one teeny detail called not living IN a manner. Or with David, who was barely there to begin with. Anyway, Shannon may be imprisoned in a tiny house, scratching her feet on plastic grass a daily toxic reminder that David’s neglect is giving their only son Archie BPA poisoning, but she will not be forced to give up her luxury vacations. As if to prove the mantra “It’s cheaper to keep’er” David is sending her and the girls to Mexico. This is a clever distraction cause David will be simultaneously taking his new love to Park City to hobnob with the likes of Robert Redford while trying not to ski into a tree. A tree Shannon probably planted there to support Earth Day.
As Shannon prepares for this first trip as a single mom, she seems to be intentionally packing the suitcases well over the weight-limit; stuffing them with such essentials as Vicki’s casseroles distilled water and Costco-sized boxes of tampons. It’s a miracle of Gunvalsion Odyssey that they made it on the plane and to Puerto Vallarta alive!
While Shannon is having a great time, just her and the girls, she’d like other gals to join her – specifically gals to gulp vodka with while she cries, so she calls Tamra and proposes that Tarmra AND VICKI meet her in Mexico for an impromptu girls trip. After all nothing – and I mean nothing! – baptizes a Housewives friend group into solemnity like a good old whoop it up away from home. Tamra must consult Eddie first. Not only has he just had heart surgery, but he’s no fan of the Vickster.
Shannon hopes to use this trip to continue building trust with Vicki. I guess Vicki is the closest thing to David in the untrustworthy department and Shannon’s co-dependent like that! Interesting that Kelly isn’t included though…
Poor Eddie – he’s been wandering around their half-finished house, in a kitchen without a sink, and Vicki is preying on his weakness. To find solace he visits his version of church: CUT Fitness and teaches an aerobics class filled with Housewives. That, my friend, sounds like hell on all levels! In walks Kelly, who now that she is dating is more fit than ever, Emily Simpson, who will tell us every 15 seconds she’s on a television screen that she is a lawyer (and therefore apparently has no time for such idleness as exercise), and the new one Gina Kirschenheiter – say that three times fast, then never again.
Gina looks like the human equivalent of a Monster High Doll all grown up and out of her goth phase. Except she just died her black hair blonde and started saying “cawfee” like it’s her job. It is, actually, her job to roam around Orange County reminding them that there’s this whole other side of the US called New Yawk. Gina’s other job is raising three kids, solo, while her husband lives in LA ‘working’ (wink, wink). If only David had figured out how to make this arrangement work!
Of course, we all know that Gina and the husband who doesn’t even appear in the credits with her are getting divorced. Even though Gina swore in her finest Long Island Princesses accent that her marriage, while unconventional, worked so long as it was lubricated by plenty of mommy with wine moments, unfortunately, it was just like she said: things might look OK on the surface but behind closed doors it’s a whole ‘nother story! Except nobody, not for an instant, believed that things were fine – especially not in Orange County a land that has more 40-year-old divorcees per capita than it does botox spas.
Kelly got a double-dose of Emily this episode. Emily joined Kelly and Tamra at the nail salon where she revealed that not only was her sister a surrogate to carry her three kids but that Emily’s husband is a Mormon who doesn’t drink. Kelly doesn’t understand how a marriage can work when the partners have such different values. Emily and Shane seem OK though. I mean, they’re celebrating 9 years of marriage based on a GoogleChat proposal, and they didn’t even have sex before marriage because Shane has those pesky values and all! On the plus side, he’s independently wealthy and is a workers comp lawyer. Emily makes him work to set a good example for their kids. Also, she’s an attorney too, in case you’ve forgotten, and you know – couples who practice law together stay together!
Despite all this, plus the three little kids and the two step-kids from Shane’s first trip down nuptial row, Emily still wants another baby via surrogate so their daughter will have a sister. This seems like a Bravo-fabricated storyline, and Shane, to his credit doesn’t even entertain it for one second. I appreciate this about him. The man has values after all!
After a hiatus let us return to the travails and tribulations of Vicktim Me. Gunvalson, a woman roaming the OC in her Range Rover on an odyssey – a penultimate quest to make people believe that she was never, EVER involved in that horrible boyfriend’s cancer scam. She was scammed too! There was once upon a time that Vicki believed a greeting card was as deep as words ever needed to go, but now she’s seen the light and turned to the Bible for true wisdom. I hope it’s working out, but as Vicki herself once told us, “Saton is confusing!” (I will never let her live that down).
While Tamra and Eddie are coincidentally (wink, wink!) eating lunch, Vicki coincidentally calls Tamra to discuss how she wants to apologize to Eddie. Coincidentally she happens to be in the area and also coincidentally carrying around these Bible verses to live by in her purse, so she invites herself to stop by and talk to Eddie right then and there! The prospect is so jarring Eddie orders himself a vodka martini, then when he remembers that coincidentally that is Vicki’s drink, he realizes he’s lost both the battle and the war, especially now that Tamra is his caretaker!
So Vicki arrives, shaking and crying, and she seems truly sincere and contrite in begging for Eddie’s absolution forgiveness while explaining that not only does she understand how wrong her actions were, but that she’s learned how to be a friend. She has a minor slip-up when she tries to blame the initial rumor-mongering on how no one supported her through The Great Brooks Debacle, but with a glare from Tamra she got right back on track to share like a PBS special that words can hurt friends. Eddie, a nice person – truly – agreed to give Vicki another chance but warns that it will take time. So once Eddie successfully transforms Vicki’s ass into Tamra’s all will be fixed.
Vicki practically skips out of the restaurant, levitating with euphoria. She calls Kelly from the car to relay the good news and invite herself over for dinner. That’s when things take a SHAAAARP turn to the left. Kelly’s spiral staircase was foreshadowing!
In the hours between this conversation, Kelly learned that Vicki had set Michael, as in Kelly’s ex Michael, up with one of her friends and never told her. When Kelly confronts Vicki, Vicki insists that she simply had a BBQ which both Michael and this mystery friend attended but she had no idea they’d hit it off until she and Steve wound up on a double date with them. Twice. [side-eye]
Kelly is rightfully furious and emotional. Not that Michael is dating, but that Vicki was involved – and NEVER told her! The worst is that Vicki doesn’t feel bad about this. She actually believes she did nothing wrong because Michael should have told Kelly. As usual, Vicki is missing the point! Kelly is her friend, and, my friend, it is a strict violation of girl code to go on double dates with your friend’s ex but not even mention it to her. No. NO. NOOOO!
I think Eddie should retract his forgiveness because clearly, Vicki hasn’t learned a thing.
TELL US – WAS VICKI’S APOLOGY TO EDDIE SINCERE? SHOULD VICKI HAVE TOLD KELLY ABOUT MICHAEL?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
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