Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Jesus Take Vicki’s Fun Bus License…

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County the morality police came for Gina Kirschenheiter, and if there’s one person who shouldn’t be presiding over other people’s morals it’s Vicki Gunvalson! Especially as Gina’s biggest sin is her tongue-twister of a last name. Errrrr… I mean, that she doesn’t believe in organized religion.

For some reason, everyone is supremely bothered that Gina wants to divorce her husband Matt because they’ve simply fallen out of love. I believe the court’s term for this is “irreconcilable differences,” and that Vicki, Kelly Dodd, and Tamra Judge nee Barney have all pulled the same shenanigan when ditching a husband for being too boring. All aboard the fun bus or bust, right?! And their husbands even lived with them, whereas Matt moved over an hour away and is too busy to see his kids for more than one weekend a month. Um, really??!

Personally I think they’re all aghast that Gina doesn’t appreciate the perfection of her situation – she has all the perks of a husband (who also happens to be hot): sex, financial security, doesn’t need to work, cushy home, nanny, but doesn’t have to put UP with a husband! These women probably do believe that a man who’s completely checked out of his marriage unless he’s depositing cash in the bank account is one worth keeping!

Shannon Beador‘s issue is Gina’s insistence that she’ll have an amicable divorce. That they’ll stay friends and eventually take family vacations which include each other’s new significant others, and they definitely won’t be fighting over money.  According to Shannon, all will be fine until the financial discovery phase in the proceedings, then it’s practically middle-aged fisticuffs in the hallway of the OC Superior Court House and you going home to guzzle 9 Mike’s Hard Lemonades while emotionally eating gluten-free cake. It has buttermilk! It’s low fat. And it’s GLUTEN FREE, PEOPLE.

Anyway, we all know Gina’s divorce won’t be as easy as she envisions, but it probably also won’t be as terrible as Shannon’s. Or Kelly’s. Or Tamra’s. Or Vicki’s. (Or Emily Simpson‘s marriage to Shane.) And we understand that these women are all scarred from their own divorces in a way that no amount of photo facials or microdermabrasion can erase, but really it’s none of their business, and if they truly want to “mother her a little bit” as Vicki claims, then they’ll support Gina by bringing over piles of Shannon’s QVC frozen meals topped with wine and offering to watch her kids. However, emotional support is so not in the RHOC wheelhouse!

Basically, they can try to put themselves in Gina’s shoes instead of trying to stuff Gina in their shoes. And ironically the episode begins with Tamra’s foot! Tamra is tired of being “incapacitated” by her boot, which she has to wear constantly even at night. Which means she can’t really have sex with Eddie. As it stands (see what I did there!) let’s just hope she’s learned a valuable lesson about the costly consequences Middle Aged Girls Gone Wild – like no Louboutins for months. And you know what the say: the higher the heels the, farther you fall closer to god!

Tamra has Kelly drive her to the foot doctor. The HOT DOCTOR – which is the only reason Kelly went along, obviously. However, Hot Doctor keeps his eyes focused on the X-Ray slides and avoids looking into the abyss of satan – also known as Kelly’s cleavage. I do love Kelly’s new interview look with the mauve velvet, though. Super flattering.

Kelly is still pissed at Steve and Vicki, and a pissed off Kelly Dodd will spill the motherload. In today’s tale of ruining Vicki Gunvalson’s life Kelly reveals that last summer Steve dumped Vicki in Cabo, then moved out of her house AND IN WITH HIS MOTHER, and Kelly was there to pick up the pieces of broken Vicki whose woo hoo faded into a scratched broken record repeating the same keening drone of WHYYYYYYYY AM I UNLOVABLEEEEEEE?! Kelly speculates that the only reason Steve came back was that he was tired of living with his mommy. She also snarks on Vicki’s pattern of dating terrible men (except Donn!) who act like they’re doing her a favor by being with her. But at least Steve had teeth when they met! Tamra pretends to be shocked by all of this and then begins to question Steve.

Gina and Emily take their kids to pick strawberries, but they’re too busy pondering the complexities of Shannon. Um, here’s the thing: Shannon is not difficult. Shannon is constructed of lemon essential snake oils, Feng shui insecurities, crystal healing jewelry, and a rampant, but malignant rage syndrome that rears its head around too much alcohol and food she wishes to attack but can’t, so she must settle for people instead. All you have to do to win over Shannon is stroke her ego a bit, joke about stabbing David with a fork, and set the phone down while she rants about him for umpteen hours a day. Basically turn into Saint Tamra of Toxicity Temple.

Gina is never allowed to have any opinions around Shannon – even though 3/4 of Gina’s body weight is made of opinions. (The other parts are Lee Press-On Nails painted in unflattering colors, metallic eyeshadow, and shoulder pads.) but when it comes to Gina’s marriage and getting a divorce, Shannon, Tamra, and everyone else in the Coto Orbit are allowed to have all the opinions they want! Shannon, a hypocrite? No…

Vicki ran into some chef at the mall who claimed to own an Italian restaurant (a Mi Famiglia franchise?), so now Vicki is having an Italian dinner party/girl’s night because if we’ve learned nothing from Real Housewives Of New Jersey it’s that Italian food brings women together. Especially when it’s provided by the Brownstone!

Vicki and Tamra have a wine tasting lunch where Tamra expresses her concerns about Steve, as relayed by Kelly. Whom Tamra is quick to throw under the bus. Why does Tamra love upsetting people so much? What does Jesus say about that, hmmmm?

The new Vicki, the one who took “Normal Person Behavioral Training” as demanded by the Bravo HR Department, admits that yes, she and Steve took a break over the summer because there weren’t communicating. AKA, she was loving him into Velveteen Rabbit territory and leaving all Brooks old Hallmark Cards around with post-its on them that said: “I NEED DAILY AFFIRMATIONS.” So, if someone has to move in with his mom to escape your smothering, you may be the human equivalent of a Dyson Vacuum…

Also, I don’t think it’s that scandalous to move in with your mother for a couple weeks because your homes are rented out and you need 24/7 security from your ex-girlfriend … Although Steve being an ex-cop, I’d expect that he wouldn’t have to hide behind his mommy. But then again this is Vicki we’re talking about! Vicki complains that Kelly has no reason to be mad at Steve who was just speaking the truth. Truth in the post-Brooks era that is, which is basically that Kelly was so mean to Michael she forced the divorce, now she’s trying to rewrite history. Eh, they’re both probably right.

Then Tamra and Vicki, two total marriage failures, complain that Gina has no business getting divorced because she doesn’t have a job and should just stay in a loveless marriage to rely on a man for money because fighting constantly isn’t anything serious like say an affair. Didn’t Tamra divorce Simon for this exact reason?

The consensus is that since Gina isn’t ripping her husband to shreds on TV like Kelly did to Michael, and no one is pulling a David and putting it in another woman, she should just accept this as a normal marital ebb and flow. Kelly divorced Michael TWICE (once because he was a narcissist), yet she is saying Gina just needs to understand that marriage has up and down periods and work it out?

What Gina is saying, and I would think VICKI of all people would understand this, is that Matt isn’t filling her love tank. So instead of doing a vow renewal on a sandy beach, then going home to G-Chat her ‘Brooks,‘ Gina and Matt are going to call it quits before they become Shannon and David wind up handing over their wedding bands to their adolescent children.

Obviously, this totally fun and zany Italian dinner party, hosted by Delmonico, or Delmonico (the Italian chef, not to be confused with Del Monte canned pineapple) and Vicki, will wind up serving Gina’s divorce as the main course. Poor Gina.

Steve is out of town, and Vicki and Delmonico are flirting constantly so Tamra decides that’s who Vicki should be dating instead. She also says that they’ve already slept together. Was this AD or AB (After Donn or After Brooks). Or maybe in between? #MULTIPLEPARTNERS Um, Delmonico actually gives me a whiff of Brooksiness, but it does seem like he’d make a killer casserole, so maybe he is perfect! Too bad Vicki is trying to set him up with Shannon, Kelly, or Gina, basically anyone but she and Tamra who are SO HAPPY and don’t need matchmaking. This is a subtle warning to Gina about what divorce will be like!

The night started off so favorably! Kelly and Emily talked, and Kelly agreed to apologize to Shane for calling him a twerp. That’s the type of maturity I like to see here, People! But then as the animosity over not being able to eat pasta and Italian bread increased, they all tore into each other.

It actually began before the party when Vicki called Kelly to invite her and also to rat out Tamra for repeating what Kelly said about Steve living with his “mommy”. Like he’s some sort of Norman Bates. First Shannon whispered to Tamra that Kelly knows she spilled to Vicki, then Kelly comes over to confirm that she knows that Tamra told Vicki, but in the middle of them trying to talk shit about Steve, Vicki comes over to tell them both to stop talking crap, get another drink and have fun dammit because it’s her party and FUN IS MANDATORY. Unless you’re an agnostic in a dumb hat who is filing for divorce from your hot but, broke-ish husband whom you still like having sex with even if you can’t stand being in the same room with him otherwise. If you are that person, all fun is OFF THE TABLE (and more reviled than those amazing-looking flatbreads).

I don’t even know why or how Gina’s marriage, or lack thereof, became the topic of conversation – again – but there they all go lecturing her about how she’s just simply not allowed to get a divorce on grounds of irreconcilable addresses, or whatever it is her reason.

Why does Gina have to defend her choice to a group of women who don’t even know her?! How long has she been friends with these broads, who are now making rampant speculations about her soon-to-be-ex, including that he’s probably cheating and that they’ll be fighting over money. Except as Gina declares she doesn’t have assets, “just one humble home” and alimony she would willingly give up if it meant saving her family. Since Shannon is sitting on a $22k/month settlement and struggling to live within her means, she immediately gets defensive. Then Vicki decides to turn into a preacher and lecture Gina on the immorality of divorce. Too bad Gina doesn’t believe in Vicki’s god (or Vicki’s BS) – and who would! Um, cancer scam much?! Saton is confusing!

“I’ve never heard someone be so flippant about god,” complains the woman who allegedly LIED to protect her scamming boyfriend so she could get casseroles. Where was her moral compass then?! Also a woman who was friends with Alexis “Jesus Jugs” Bellino and Lydia “Jesus Take My Husband’s Balls” McLaughlin. But, yes, it’s Gina who lacks a moral compass. And will also be un-datable because of it. “You sound stupid. So back off,” snaps Gina, tossing down her party city Italian napkin and leaving the table.

How many times has Vicki been divorced?! What about those vows. And don’t get me started on Kelly, who basically says since Gina doesn’t pray she’ll never have anything good, because Jesus is a soup kitchen for your soul, y’all! And also hands out Chanel bags!

Jesus, if you’re there, it’s me Mary – please take the fun bus wheel.

As Gina is hiding in Vicki’s bathroom calling Matt for a pep talk, Tamra decides they all need to mind their own business… so they speculate on whether or not Gina initiated the split or Matt did. Shannon, who hates Miss Moral-less Compass who is probably definitely certainly absolutely having an affair with some other MARRIED MAN, definitely believes Gina is the one who wanted to end things.

Emily got her moment of psychosis out of her system and is back to being the sane voice of reason. She finds Gina and tells her to just basically brush these crazy, bitter betties off by smiling, nodding, and thanking them for their stories, then going doing what she wants. Emily was right, and back at the table Gina fobbed them all off, then went home with a doggy bag full of pasta.

Finally, Kelly visits Emily at home to apologize to Shane. Shane is afraid to be left alone with Kelly, as he should be, but Emily is afraid to babysit and oversee their ‘talk’. It is a conundrum! Thankfully Kelly brought Jolie to babysit her.

Kelly blamed her outburst on a rough divorce making her over-sensitive but apologized and it ended with them understanding that they’re both kind of assholes who probably should learn to watch their mouths. But they won’t. Thank god!

The real story is WHAT IS ON VICKI’S HEAD IN THE REST OF THE SEASON PREVIEW WHICH IS SO AMAZING I CANNOT WAIT TO WATCH.

TELL US – DOES EVERYONE NEED TO BACK OFF GINA? WHO HAS THE WORST MORAL COMPASS ON RHOC?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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