Even when he wasn’t present, Rob Valletta was a main topic of conversation during the last season of Vanderpump Rules. This is because his now-ex-girlfriend Scheana Marie mentioned him (and his ability to hang a TV in under seven minutes) whenever she could.
Rob and Scheana claim that they broke up because of the drama from the show, but we all have to admit that a lot of people know Rob because of Vanderpump Rules. Some of the cast members even claimed that he used Scheana to get exposure from the show during the reunion shows. He did break up with her right when filming ended….
Rob shared his side of the story during an interview with the Juicy Scoop With Heather McDonald podcast– an interview that Heather McDonald said went down because Rob reached out to her. Interesting. Rob seems to be so against the show, yet has no problem riding its coattails and promoting himself. Personally, I’m all for it and find it hilarious, but it’s probably not sitting too well with Scheana and the other cast members.
Rob said, “Outside of the show, yeah they’re great. When that show starts filming, it is a whole different world. It’s a whole different mentality.” He added, “That’s what they get paid for. That’s what makes that show so good. They’re willing to say whatever and do whatever because that’s their job.”
Rob clarified Scheana’s claim that Rob “doesn’t like to kiss.” He explained, “See, I do like to kiss. There’s TV stuff and then there’s life stuff.” He admitted, “I’m not a huge PDA person though. I won’t kiss in public. I’ll hold hands. I’ll be affectionate.”
Heather asked Rob about making the cast clean up his Big Bear house on the last morning of their trip. She wondered, “Wouldn’t you have a maid come in?: He kept it real and admitted, “No, I think that makes great TV.” It really did. He added, “You have a maid come in. Of course, but it’s way more entertaining to watch Jax [Taylor] and all those guys hungover.”
Rob admitted that he felt forced to do the show, while doing an interview that he initiated about this same show. He shared, “The thing I didn’t really like about the situation and why I was incredibly hesitant to do it is because it was worded to me a very certain way that if I didn’t do it this would make Scheana look really bad to the network. And it could jeopardize her job. It wasn’t said as clear as that, but it was definitely presented to me in that way. At the end of the day, you have to protect your girlfriend. If her whole life is being shown on camera, I’ll take the leap of faith.” He pointed out, “I ended up doing the show for free.” Does this mean that he initially asked for a paycheck? Shocked/not shocked.
Heather asked the big question: “Did you guys ever say ‘I love you’?” Rob confessed, “Yeah.” Then Heather asked, “Why did you say to Jax that you didn’t say ‘I love you’ on the boat?” He told Heather, “There were weeks and stuff of dealing with this. I was already pushing back.” He added, “I was kind of shutting down.”
Rob continued, “I look back at some of the things and I was like ‘Did I say that?’ I was being stubborn. I was being very stubborn because I didn’t want to give them anything.” Even if Rob didn’t want to provide content for the show, Scheana took care of that by mentioning him in every single one of her scenes. Rob insisted, “I said I don’t throw the ‘love’ word around- which is very true.”
Rob had no problem admitting that this season was not the most-flattering for Scheana. He said, “They make her look really…. I look at it and I feel bad for her.” He explained, “All she did was she went overboard on protecting me.” He continued, “I respect them for the way they edited it. At the end of the day, it was a woman protecting her boyfriend, who was pushing away because it was a scary world.” He added, “I respect her for that and I respect her for having my back.”
And just when this interview was a good look for Rob, defending his often-maligned ex and the production of the show, Rob declared, “These people are not famous. They’re popular. They’re like the quarterback in high school that everyone knows, but they never made it to the pros.” Really, Rob? That’s an absurd thing to say considering how many people know Rob thanks to this show.
Rob wasn’t on the reunion episodes this year, but it seems like he would have went if he was invited. Rob shared, “They didn’t ask me to go on the reunion. They know that I would go on and defend Scheana.” He said, “A lot of the cast is not going to attack me. In general the cast would not attack me because at the end of the day, I didn’t do anything wrong, but they know they can attack Scheana. If I’m not there, it’s a much more open space to attack someone and get what you want.”
RELATED: Vanderpump Rules Cast Members Weigh In On Rob Valletta & Randall Emmett
TELL US- WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ROB’S COMMENTS? WILL YOU MISS ROB ON VANDERPUMP RULES NEXT SEASON?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
The post Rob Valletta On The Vanderpump Rules Cast: “They’re Like The Quarterback In High School That Everyone Knows, But They Never Made It To The Pros” appeared first on Reality Tea.
When Monique Samuels originally mentioned her car accident on Real Housewives of Potomac it was in the context of her being so tired from her busy schedule. She lost control of that narrative when frienemy Ashley Darby told the rest of the cast that Monique had four martinis before she got behind the wheel.
As expected, Monique is not pleased with Ashley. This all snowballed into a screaming matching match in the street outside of Karen Huger’s perfume event and somehow Robyn Dixon got in on the argument. Now Robyn’s girl is sharing her perspective on the drama and it’s no surprise that she’s siding with her close friend.
Gizelle discussed the last RHOP episode in a Bravo blog post. She wrote, “This was the funniest non-fight that I have ever seen. Monique Samuels invited Robyn Dixon to say something in her face and Robyn graciously accepted. Monique clearly wasn’t ready, so she reverted to what she always does best, insults and talking about money.” It wasn’t even the most entertaining to watch. It was just a hot mess and not in a good way.
Gizelle has no sympathy for Monique’s post-altercation cry. She said, “I really think those tears had more to do with the fact that she was embarrassed. She got into an altercation that she started and invited Robyn to participate in. Truth be told I was hurt, too, I got kicked out of ANOTHER party.”
Monique and Ashley ended up calling a truce at lunch (sans Martinis). Gizelle wrote, “I’m happy that Ashley and Monique could hash out their ability to count. Clearly, they both learned how in the 1st grade so it’s nice to see that they remembered and have agreed on the number of drinks… or not.”
Gizelle continued, “However, the apologizing seemed to be one-sided, didn’t Monique need to cough up an ‘I’m sorry’ for the name calling and extra-terrestrial behavior. Clearly, Ashley shouldn’t hold her breath, and yes, where was Robyn? She should have been there so that Monique could cough up an apology to her, too.”
TELL US- DOES MONIQUE OWE ROBYN AND ASHLEY APOLOGIES? DID MONIQUE AND ASHLEY GENUINELY MAKE UP OR IS THE TRUCE TEMPORARY?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
The post Gizelle Bryant Says “Insults & Talking About Money” Are What Monique Samuels Does Best appeared first on Reality Tea.
Where do This Is Us and the Pearson clan go from here? Viewers already saw Kate's (Chrissy Metz) wedding, Jack's (Milo Ventimiglia) death, Kevin (Justin Hartley) in rehab and a...One of the few bright spots of the last Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season was the reemergence of Camille Grammer. Sure, she’s made cameo appearances throughout the years, but this time was different.
She was almost at Season 1 level of sass in response to Dorit Kemsley’s antics- which is exactly what the viewers really needed- especially during an otherwise boring wedding. It seems like the last season was a setup for Camille to be full-time next year, but that might not be the case.
During an interview with Us Weekly, Camille was asked about the possibility of returning to the show as a full-time cast member. Unfortunately she did not give an actual answer. All she said was “I can’t confirm or deny any of that. We’ll see. That’s a tough commitment, I’m not sure. I’ve got a lot going on in my life so I don’t know if I can commit to it.” Really? We need Camille on this show.
Then Camille shared her thoughts on the other women in the cast: “As much as we can speak. I adore Kyle [Richards], Lisa [Vanderpump]… ‘cause we’ve been through a lot together over the past eight, nine years. There’s a certain connection that keeps us all together. Erika [Jayne], I don’t really know her that well.”And if you look at Camille’s Twitter account after new episodes air you’ll see her liking plenty of tweets insulting Erika. Camille is the only one willing and able to take on Dorit and/or Erika.
Camille continued, “Lisa Rinna, she’s a riot. She’s so much fun and unapologetic and I love that. And I love Teddi [Mellencamp-Arroyave]. I thought Teddi was a great addition and she’s fantastic. She’s so supportive, she’s super cool, and I’ve liked her from day one.”
As for the possibility of a Camille vs. Dorit showdown next season, Camille did say, “After the reunion we made amends and I’m cautiously optimistic of our future as friends.” Ugh. Good for them, but next season better not be a boring one. Again.
TELL US- DO YOU WANT CAMILLE TO RETURN TO REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS AS A FULL-TIME CAST MEMBER?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
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The moment The Real Housewives of New York City fans have been waiting for finally arrived: Luann de Lesseps arrest right before Christmas. OK, it's one of the moments fans have been waiting...There have been rumors that Kenya Moore got fired from Real Housewives of Atlanta before last season even aired.
This is because Kenya secretly got married to a man that no one even knew she was dating and refused to share any of that with the camera crew. For most of the season, Kenya even refused to refer to her man Marc Daly by his actual name. Instead, she just called him “Baby” for way too many episodes. He finally appeared on the show and Kenya successfully dragged Shereé Whitfield and Kim Zolciak at the Season 10 reunion where she also announced her pregnancy. That seemed like enough to secure her peach for Season 11, but that may not be the case.
According to an article on Straight from the A– a website that is usually spot on with the Real Housewives of Atlanta scoop- Kenya got cut along with Kim and Shereé.
According to the post, NeNe Leakes, Porsha Williams, Kandi Burruss, and Cynthia Bailey all received letters inviting them back for Season 11 and it’s being alleged that Kenya did not. Not only that, but some “well informed sources” are claiming that Kenya pretended that she got her own letter.
Supposedly this lie was exposed when the Season 11 cast members showed up for a mandatory meeting and Kenya wasn’t present. Yikes. If this is true, pretending to not be fired is even more embarrassing than getting fired.
There have been no official casting announcements for Season 11 of Real Housewives of Atlanta, but there are also rumors that Kenya might get demoted to “Friend of the Housewives” status.
RELATED: Sheree Whitfield Fired From Real Housewives Of Atlanta?
TELL US- DO YOU THINK KENYA WAS FIRED FROM REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA? DO YOU WANT KENYA TO RETURN FOR SEASON 11?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
The post Is Kenya Moore Fired From Real Housewives Of Atlanta? appeared first on Reality Tea.
Apologies, comrades. The Americans ended its six-season run on FX on Wednesday night, and (spoiler alert!), in a surprising move, Philip (Matthew Rhys) and Elizabeth (Keri Russell),...There are some scenes from Real Housewives of New York that have become so iconic over the years, we practically have them memorized – Bethenny Frankel screaming “GO TO SLEEP!” on Scary Island, the infamous Brooklyn Bridge Beatdown, Dorinda Medley’s Clip! Clip! tirade in the Bronx, and Luann de Lesseps falling in those Mexican bushes. But this week gave us our newest save-to-permanent-file moment: Ramona Singer on a Manhattan street reading Bethenny for filth. Now, I don’t know if Martin Scorsese is really watching Vanderpump Rules like Lala says, but he might have shot this scene. Seriously: It. Is. EVERYTHING.
Before we take to the streets, we must revisit the murder mystery Berkshires dinner at which Bethenny and Carole Radziwill are tearing into one another. There’s so much talking and half-running away and coming back again, it’s impossible to capture every moment. But here’s the gist: Bethenny called Adam “an operator” and Luann “a loser.” Carole claims she never knew about the Houston incident, specifically, but did know that Bethenny always thought Adam was a little shifty. It turns out, so does Luann! She’s still holding on to the fact that Adam left her niece for Carole three years ago – in the Countess’s pure white kitchen of all places!! <clutches pearls>
Luann stops defending Bethenny once she hears about this new “loser” status of hers, though. She’s all, “ME? A LOSER? Well – I NEVER!” Lu can barely stomach the thought of being cast into the same status as, say, her ex-husband Tom – who is certainly the loser-iest loser who ever graced this show. Well, him and that pirate, maybe. Bethenny doesn’t remember calling anyone a loser, even though Carole calmly reminds her that she sure did. And that certain “anyone” is sitting right next to her at the dinner table and has suddenly stopped speaking in a French accent. “If I’m a loser, the rest of the world’s f**ked!” proclaims Luann.
Carole is also bitter about Bethenny not supporting her during the marathon. Finally, Bethenny just pulls her signature move, shouting, “I’m DONE!” But Carole isn’t letting her get away that easily. She asks whether Beth thinks it’s okay to just say her piece and then leave? Bethenny is shocked. Dorinda wants to make it nice, but her words about everyone “loving each other” fall flat.
“This is ridiculous!” screams Bethenny at Carole, who gets up to leave the table. “How old are you? I know you want to be 45, but don’t act like you’re seven!” WHOA. SHOTS FIRED! I don’t even know what to say here. It appears Bethenny is incensed that Carole would trot out her calling Luann a loser to stir the pot with the group when the issue really lies between the two of them. In classic form, Bethenny finally shouts that yeah, she’s thought Luann was a loser many times, but hey – she doesn’t know if she said it. OMG!
Then in a moment of pure LU-nacy, the Countess pops up to face off with Bethenny, but immediately gets distracted when she’s told there’s lipstick on her face. “Oh whatever!” she chirps. Who cares what Bethenny thinks of her? This is the woman who has called Luann much worse than a loser in the past, after all. And this is also why Luann is the MVP of Housewives – she might fall into the damn bushes, but she bounces right back up. She’s like the very tall UES equivalent of a weeble wobble. Don’t even try to knock her ass down.
But Bethenny is not taking her own punches very well, and when Carole finally walks out, she tries to make speeches about how betrayed she feels. Carole knows there is no arguing with Bethenny because she never wants to admit being less than perfect. Yep. But to be fair, Carole also isn’t acknowledging how bringing up the Luann comment derailed things even further. As for Luann, she has zero f**ks to give because she’s busy sashaying in the corner with her feathers and stripes.
Special Alert: WE ARE ONLY NINE MINUTES INTO THIS EPISODE! Holy mother of god this is intense, y’all.
Ramona is loving every minute of it though, at least that’s what Bethenny thinks. Meanwhile, Dorinda comes traipsing out with a birthday cake while SINGING TO HERSELF, then plants her face directly in the cake with the candles still lit. Who cares if her bangs are burnt right off? When Dorinda gets drunk, she likes to stab herself and light her head on fire! Much like the rest of us during that dinner argument. At least it changes the mood, which only the RHONY ladies can do on a dime because – and I repeat – this is the most batsh*t Housewives cast in existence. I heart them.
Everyone smashes cake in their faces and hugs, then cheers “YOU MADE IT NICE!” for the birthday girl before launching into a full-on dance party (which had better be accompanied by Luann’s alleged Pandora station). Cut to Bethenny half-naked, trying to wedge herself into an elf costume upstairs. Dorinda busts in on her trying to hide the Santa costume she brought along, but as we all know, DORINDA OWNS SANTA! She plans on going commando in that bad boy whether Bethenny says so or not.
While Santa heads over to talk to Carole about the argument, her Elf walks in on them, wondering why all of these side conversations are going on. Dorinda peaces out to leave Carole and Bethenny to talk it out alone. But it doesn’t go anywhere – at least not when Bethenny accuses Carole of basically becoming a narcissistic twat who’s only into her “hair and fashion and Tinsley [Mortimer] and selfies.” Carole can’t believe what she’s hearing, considering Bethenny is the queen of Instagram self-promotion. But again, it’s not about any of this drivel. It’s much deeper. Bethenny knows she’s been out of touch, but sometimes friends just grow apart – especially during this past year of breakups and charity work and marathons, etc…”I feel like it was at a ten and I want to bring it down to a seven,” cries Bethenny. Carole agrees, hoping this whole beef can be squashed by the next day. Hmm. We’ll see.
Feeling NO pain downstairs, the rest of the gang pile on to Dorinda’s purple sofa, reveling in the fact that they aren’t in the middle of a fight. It’s a rare Berkshires miracle.
The next morning, Sonja Morgan and Luann find themselves in bed together while Bethenny tries to piece together the night before. “We are some tough b*tches,” cheers Dorinda, who would for sure live through an all-female version of The Hangover any night of the week. While Sonja shows Dorinda iPhone evidence of her *not* destroying any property, Carole and Bethenny hug goodbye, seemingly on better terms. Dorinda closes the door behind the last of her guests leaving, just happy no one ripped her sconces down or lit a non-working fireplace this year.
Back in the city, Sonja is stepping over dried dog feces to discuss her sex life with contractors. Yes, this is happening. Across town later, Bethenny is throwing her annual Christmas party, at which Sonja has ditched her stained rags for a hot little black dress. Tinsley, Dorinda, and Luann arrive next to chat about Lu’s latest charity venture (a blood drive). Beth couldn’t go, but donated. Hmm. Kinda like Carole did with her charity? Carole arrives, still apparently upset about the Berkshires.
The group does a white elephant gift trade in which Ramona’s re-gifting is put on blast. But it’s Dorinda’s gift to Bethenny that really takes the cake. She ordered Bethenny the life-sized nutcracker she’d wanted for Brynn, but couldn’t find. “You saved Christmas!” cheers Bethenny, without ever explicitly thanking Dorinda for the huge gesture. Carole notices the irony of Bethenny calling out Tinsley for not showing gratitude is now being pretty ungracious herself. Awkward.
But it gets even more awkward when Ramona talks about her upcoming anti-aging skincare line and Beth jumps all over her. The shared cringe that ripples throughout the group is palpable. Bethenny practically tattoos Skinnygirl on her face, yet acts like anyone else mentioning their business idea is a cheap promo. C’mon, girl. Be cool. Don’t be all uncool.
There’s no coolness in sight for the B though because next, she lets it slip that Tom D’Agostino has some new “busted up girlfriend.” Luann looks shocked, Ramona shoots Bethenny a look that is trying to shut her up but translates more along the lines of “My corneas have frozen my eyelids open.”
Lu plans on visiting her brother near Palm Beach over the holidays, which will be her first time back there since her wedding to Tom one year prior. We all know what’s coming next…and it ain’t good. And neither is Bethenny’s comment, which even she realizes. Luann thinks Tom should be living under a rock, not parading around with another chick. “Really dude?” Lu comments in her interview. “Lay low, dick.”
We cut briefly to Luann’s blood drive, at which she can’t even give blood because of her trip to Mexico last year. But everyone who didn’t attend that sh*tshow can! So all is not lost. Bethenny’s assistant delivers $1,000 in cash cards to distribute for relief, which sends Sonja’s eyes practically rolling back in her head. When Carole arrives, Sonja decides it’s her turn to stir the poop. She asks if Carole is sad because “everyone” has been wondering. And by “everyone,” she means Bethenny – which Ramona of course explicitly tells her later on.
When Dorinda shows up, talk turns to Nutcracker-gate, which has her slightly irked. It would have been nice to get a shout out from Bethenny for her efforts, she says, but eh. What can you do? Meanwhile, Carole is empathizing with Ramona getting shut down by Bethenny when she brought up her skincare line. Dorinda wonders why they’ve all allowed Bethenny to talk to them with such disrespect for so long without hitting back? This behavior will not go unchecked anymore, the group seems to agree. And so begins the second half of season 10: THE ENTIRE CAST versus Bethenny Frankel. Oh, it’s on.
Thus it is that we finally arrive on the street with Ramona and her dog, who will star in the Lifetime movie which will come to be known one day as Ramona Finds Her Words. Bethenny calls to accuse Ramona of getting off on this fight she and Carole are having, which Ramona denies (but c’mon…she does enjoy it a little bit, right?). But it’s when Beth then accuses her of not supporting women that the Ramonacoaster goes COMPLETELY off the rails. And I’m not gonna lie, it’s weirdly awesome.
Ramona bites back that Bethenny is the one who doesn’t support women. She makes fun of Ramona’s “infomercial” at her Christmas party, not realizing that her own existence has been one long infomercial ever since she returned to the show. She talks about Carole being a sad-sack as soon as she leaves her party. She calls everyone out on their bad behavior, while never accepting (or apologizing for) her own. And she shows no gratitude to Dorinda for an extravagant gift. “How do you have the AUDACITY to talk to me how you talk to me?!?” shouts Ramona as the camera dramatically pans in and out.
“You put everybody down to make yourself look good,” continues Ramona while her dog stands in the street, willing itself to be whisked away by a non-screaming owner. Then she promptly hangs up on Bethenny after shutting down any attempt at a comeback, walking off into the sunset. OMG. Annnnnd scene.
Not to be upstaged by that iconic moment, Luann shows us her new furnished penthouse next. Which is quickly followed by a flash-forward to the night of Luann’s Palm Beach arrest, captured on police cameras in the back of the car they loaded her into. She resists arrest, drunkenly asking what she did wrong (and threatening to kill them afterward). Then we see footage of her mugshot, and finally, her initial court date in which the judge advises, “I don’t know if you have a drinking problem. But stop drinking.” The countess nods her head solemnly, and we all know this moment will change everything. Get ready for RHONY 2018, which is going to be even bigger and better than 2017. How that’s possible, only the Bravo gods know.
Wow. As Housewives superfan Michael Rapaport would say, this is a goddamned standing ovation episode. Boom!
TELL US: WHERE DO WE EVEN START TO BREAK THIS EPISODE DOWN?!?!?
Photo Credit: Bravo
The post Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Holidazed And Confused appeared first on Reality Tea.
ABC had all the information. The network chose to place that information aside and hope for the best. In a better-than-anyone-even-anticipated result, the Roseanne reboot dominated prime...
In today’s news, Kim Kardashian heads to the White House to discuss prison reform (seriously), Drake might be a daddy, Javi Marroquin is going to be a dad again, and more!
Does Drake really have a secret son?? – dlisted
Um, where do I sign up for a job like this?? – Celebitchy
Kim Kardashian is at the White House to discuss prison reform today – AOL
Kailyn Lowry is now participating in a bizarro dating show – Starcasm
Javi Marroquin and his new girlfriend already expecting a baby?! – The Ashley’s Reality Roundup
This ex is never going away, Frances – dlisted
Photo Credit: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for The Business of Fashion
The post Wednesday Gossip – May 30th appeared first on Reality Tea.
Ever wonder what day-to-day life is like on your favorite TV show? If your favorite TV show is Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, then you're in luck! E! News was on set while a season four...
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This Is Us has already filmed portions of its series finale. [Brakes screech.] Yes, series finale! Dan Fogelman revealed the news at the NBC drama's FYC panel, which featured Mandy...Oh, Below Deck Mediterranean – y’all knew that you better bring your A++ Game when a friend of Captain Sandy Yawn‘s is the primary charter, but unfortunately Adam Glick was the only one studying up on How Not To End Up In The Bad Captain’s Log. Adam has been there, done that and you’d think Hannah Ferrier, a veteran of the naughty list herself, would know better!
Joao Franco is the douche of the high seas. A serious creep who makes my stomach churn like Kasey Cohen‘s aboard a super yacht! After ending their first crew night out by calling Hannah an over-the-hill goat, he bah, bah, blacksheeps about how he doesn’t have to listen to her because he’s his own man, not some chief stew’s bitch! Hannah sniffs that Joao’s nothing but a “chamois technician” – something which requires no skill, but somehow this show manages to find ALL the people who cannot handle the task!
Back on the Talisman, Joao redeems himself by shoving his grimy fingers into Adam’s carton of ice cream. The carton everyone is passing around swapping spoon saliva with, but at least it’s not chamois-t0-finger-fluff! Spoony germs = OK; finger germs = not OK.
I’m with Adam in not wanting any of Joao’s germs near me, too bad Brooke Laughton hasn’t noticed the HUGE RED FLAG flying from Joao’s pants Talisman! While Joao was berating Hannah on the bus, Brooke pretended to be asleep, then after Adam demanded he go to sleep for ice cream sanitation violations, Joao stumbled into Brooke’s room – the one she shares with Hannah – to confess his undying lust and desire for sexy times. Instead of immediately taking her pants off, which is what Joao probably hoped, Brooke turns into a google heart-eyed emoji. Frankly, I think Joao believed he was talking to Kasey “Chastity Belt” Cohen the whole time, and the next morning claims he has no memory of his awful behavior and blames it on his alter ego “Jezabob.” Um, dude, that excuse will not hold up in a court of law!
Also, Joao is just as much of an a-hole as Jezabob, so…
Unfortunately for these hungover hot messes the next charter guests are on their way and so is bad weather! Even worse for the Little Crew That Can’t – the guest, vaginal rejuvenation specialist Dr. Jen Berman, is a good friend of Sandy’s (and also an expert on good vibrations!) Sandy warns there better be top notch service and no shenanigans! Adam heeds this and the preference sheet with military precision (who is this guy?!) and sets about making a spread of desserts befitting Marie Antoinette on a low-carb day. It’s Dr. Jen’s birthday and she requests LOTS of sweets and a party. With the awful weather, the boat won’t be able to leave the dock, so Sandy demands the tenders dropped and activities planned to entertain the guests. Dr. Jen also wants a “hot Italian trainer to work out with.” This Hannah can do — in theory – what shows up is an aging Jean Claude Van Damme extra. Taking the tender off the boat per Sandy’s instructions – Conrad Empson cannot do.
While Hannah is ordering the so-called sexy trainer (if you’re into Mr. T) , Brooke calls her mom for some advice about men. After Brooke caught her dad cheating and told her mom, they tell each other everything. Even though Brooke was dumped literally yesterday she’s now ready to possibly start dating Joao because they have unbelievable chemistry. Brooke needs a self-help book, not a hook-up partner! Her mom agrees and tells her to enjoy being single in the Mediterranean and be wary of men with names (or alter egos) you can’t pronounce from lawless lands of superiority complexes called Zim. Brooke nods like she gets it, then has a chat with Joao about defining boundaries because can’t be flirting all the time. That works for Joao (and Jezabob) who would rather try and unlock Kasey’s pants – right in front of Brooke.
Oh Kasey, a night of drinking has done a girl good and she’s no longer seasick! But she’s still completely inept at her job. Like the girl has NEVER seen a Tide commercial apparently and asks Hannah if she can wash reds with whites. She also doesn’t know a black skirt from a grey skirt because in addition to doing her laundry Princess Kasey’s mommy still lays out her clothes every night. At least Kasey is sweet-natured and easy to get along with…. (haha – that’s foreshadowing cause you know she’s hiding secret crazy in her cabin!)
Despite warning Conrad, oh I dunno – 300 or so times – to take down the tender, Conrad decides to go ‘have a smoke with Hannah‘ while Sandy is docking the boat. ‘Have a smoke’ is code for lay down on the dock talking for endless amounts of time while the rest of the crew works, then returning to reality just in time to have to admit to Sandy, during the pre-charter briefing, that OOPS – you didn’t actually heed her instructions. As Joao smirks on, Sandy makes her displeasure very known. Luckily the guests arrive to give her a rejuvenating vibrator called “The Womanizer” ostensibly to get Sandy’s pleasure back in a good place. It does not succeed. No one puts Sandy in The G Spot when she’s in Captain Mode!
Hannah, ineptly leading her stews, is also a disorganized mess. They barely make it to the dock for the guests’ arrival and aren’t all in matching uniforms. Sensing weakness after Sandy’s smackdown, Joao starts nagging Conrad about having someone watch the boat 24/7 in case the lines need to be tightened or a guest goes overboard. Since this isn’t a Goldie Hawn movie from the mid-80’s Conrad disregards Joao’s ‘concerns,’ so Joao tells Jamie Jason he’s planning to go over Conrad’s head to Sandy. We all know Joao is just trying to make Conrad look bad because he fancies himself ready for bosun-ry. Even though he’s only worked in yachting a little over a year. Is it Joao, or Jezabob, who wants to knock Conrad in the head with an oar?
Later Jamie tells Conrad that Joao plans to tattle on him, so Conrad pulls him aside to reminds him about pecking order, and explain that if they’re gonna have someone awake 24/7 to babysit, it’s Kasey who needs the constant supervision! Joao pretends to understand … Pretends.
Since they’re stuck on the dock Hannah arranged for the guests take a pizza-making class in Naples. Adam spent hours constructing beautiful salads for them to take along as sides, but Hannah forgets them. She was distracted knowing she’d have to be trapped with Joao for hours. They manage to be professional enough to put their issues aside and Joao even apologizes. Hannah accepts, but Conrad’s enemies are her enemies and friends close; enemies closer, right… Personally, I think Joao is trying to arrange some sort of take-down-Conrad coalition and is sucking up to Hannah in an effort to plant that bug in her ear. Too bad Hannah is a 30-year-old goat woman who has bitten the heads off many flowers. She ain’t fooled!
Meanwhile, Ferry King Colin Macy-O’Toole has finally found a way to stand out beside his over-compensating shoe collection. He’s a musician! In order to give Dr. Jackie a very special happy birthday, Colin is tasked with writing a birthday rap. He labors over this long and hard like a Columbia Records exec is going to pop out of a cake waving a vibrator and surprise him with a record deal. His earnestness is sweet and Kasey is intrigued… Take note Joao, a girl who has sworn of sex DOES NOT want a lecher she wants a nice endearing boy she can bring home to mommy and daddy!
While Adam is slaving away in the kitchen, and Hannah is trying to deal with Joao’s sneer without making vomit-topped pizza, Kasey attempts to work a vacuum for the first time ever. She does such horrendous job that Captain Sandy notices and gives her a cleaning lesson! Sandy blames this on Hannah – even though Kasey has been sick for so long Hannah’s had no time to teach her and instead has been relying on Jackie to pick up the 3rd stew slack. Brooke, too, is doing double-duty since Kasey has never even opened a can of coke and poured it over ice. Girl… that rock you’ve been living under, time to go back to Fraggle Land because your mission of trying to learn about humans by being one has FAILED.
Hannah returns to the boat exhausted, overwhelmed, and Joao-ed out, but has to rush right into throwing a birthday party which Sandy will be attending. As Dr. Jackie is getting dressed she realizes her birthday outfit isn’t complete without cute shoes so Sandy gives her permission to wear. Carefully. Before dinner, Hannah also has to check all the rooms and give Kasey additional toilet paper origami classes and explain why no one is re-using their plastic dry cleaning bags!
The party is a huge success from the food, to Colin’s rap, and the table which looked like a poker party thrown at the Brownstone by Dina Manzo. Red, Black, and tacky all over! Still, the guests loved it. Brooke, for all her personal delusions, is good at her job.
After everyone goes to sleep Hannah finds herself up at 2 am cleaning shoe stains out of the carpet. Conrad helps because there’s no I in Team! This looooooong cleaning session is a contrivance for Conrad and Hannah to have a legitimized excuse to hang out. Conrad is cute in a boy band way so I don’t blame Hannah for wanting to fluff his hair with a stain brush!
The next morning Brooke is forced to do breakfast service with Kasey. Guess how that went, y’all?! DIS-AS-TER. Especially since Sandy is eating with the guests and has VERY specific orders for dry toast. While Brooke is running around like a chicken with her head cut off, Kasey spends an hour trying to figure out how to turn on the coffee maker. Ergo Sandy is left waiting over 15 minutes for her dry toast. DRY TOAST! DRY TOAST! Last weeks nuts are this week’s dry toast!
Finally, an enraged Sandy gets on the radio to demand her toast. “We’re on a superyacht, people,” she huffs, “Hannah needs to tighten up the interior.”
Instead of being relaxed by Dr. Jen‘s gift, Sandy is vibrating with rage over crunchy toast and goes looking for Hannah, who woke up at 10:30 am and is sitting at her computer placing orders for the incoming charter. Sandy demands she go help Brooke and Kasey. Hannah whines that she was up until 4 am cleaning Conrad carpets and has to get this done immediately, but Sandy fixes her with a stony gaze and snaps, “Breakfast service sucked, Hannah!” Also, her cabin is not being cleaned sufficiently because Hannah is babysitting Conrad instead of Kasey. Let’s put Joao on the latter!
Hannah, a 30-year-old woman who will make everyone her bitch, bursts into tears and runs below deck to cry about how tired she is from doing everything! She has blisters on her hands from rubbing things, you guys!
Isn’t Conrad supposed to be the baby in this relationship?
TELL US – IS HANNAH SUCKING OR IS SANDY BEING TOO TOUGH?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
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