Real Housewives Of Atlanta Recap: Jamaican Me Act Like An Infant!

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta was full of surprises! Shockingly Bob appeared as Sheree Whitfield‘s date, NeNe Leakes sauntered onto the island to soak up the adoration so all that remained was shade, but most exciting: Tootie got Kenya Moore‘s twirl all twisted up like a tornado. Then Kim Fields just strolled away. 

Kim may be way too normal for reality TV; she may not be cut-out for RHOA, but she’s certainly a smart, classy, and professionally successful lady whose reputation in the industry speaks for itself. Ms. Beauty Queen on Bathsalts Krayonce WISHES she had an IMDB page that featured something from this decade (other than Real Housewives Of Atlanta). Kim is correct – Kenya belongs at the kiddie table until she’s able to conduct herself like a grownup, not an 8-year-old forced into an educational trip to DC to meet with congresswomen.

Kim’s comments hit Krayonce right in her butt-hurt stallion booty. 

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I knew the trip to Jamaica was gonna be bad when the first scene showcased Porsha Williams‘ THOT fashion show. Next we were treated to some Prozac-requiring footage of Cynthia Bailey‘s closet. I am ready to start a Kickstarter to fund a skylight installation for Cynthia’s closet because it is so dark and dingy. It’s the American Horror Story of closets. Also Peter and Cynthia always film scenes in there, which I suppose is fitting given the dark and dingy state of their marriage. 

As soon as Cynthia casually mentioned that she’d chosen Kim to do her Cynthia Bailey WHERE IS THE EYEWEAR SINCE IT’S NOT FOR SALE ON YOUR SITE commercial, but hadn’t actually gotten around to telling Kenya that news yet. Cynthia’s reason being that Kenya skipped the pitch meeting, with a no-call/no-show/no-followup. Agree there – if Kenya wanted the job she should have actually applied for it!

However, Cynthia not calling her BFFN to let her know? Messy. Even with advanced notice Kenya would have still come for Kim like a dehydrated woman believing Kim’s hair was a flowing fountain and all the Moore Hair Care bottles were empty. 

As for Kim, she confused ‘couples trip’ with “Field trip” and brought her two kids along to Jamaica. At least she wised-up and brought a sitter this time. That was weird, and really just questionable. As Phaedra Parks wondered, “Don’t they have to be in school?” 

Kenya brought Matt, her latest rent-a-man, as her date. My son’s Fisher Price science lab has more chemistry than that relationship, but mmmmkay, y’all go ahead and pretend to push the single beds together. Or perhaps put Kenya in the playpen. 

On the bus from the airport to the hotel Sebastian’s eyes grew wide as he got quite an education. Here’s to you former Mrs. Nida and Former Mrs. Stewart.

Then Phaedra asks Cynthia about the commercial, which Porsha pronounces ‘mercial. Cynthia is forced to reveal that she hired Kim for the job, but hasn’t actually told Kenya that yet. Cynthia tries to soften the blow by inviting Kenya to star in the commercial with her. 

Cynthia pretended Kim wasn’t aware until just then that she was hired, even though we saw Kim hiring people, scouting locations, and planning the damn thing from Atlanta. We all know Cynthia’s spine is made of Fruit By The Foot, but that is ridiculous! Just be honest, upfront, and professional – which is what she is demanding of Kenya and Kim. Oh Cynthia… 

Meanwhile Bob is trying to get up Sheree’s skirt but She By SheBroke probably lured him to Jamaica just to get him drunk enough so she can get into his 7 figures and figure out where he hid all her alimony. Lord, I love Sheree. 

After checking into the hotel, Cynthia invites Kim and Kenya for a drink to discuss the ‘mercial. It’s clear that poor Kim Fields thinks this is, like, a ‘for real’ job. Did her brain get lost in that Bride Of Frankenstein wig? Poor Kim is unfortunately not getting the memo that the job she was hired for was to cause drama on a reality show, not to film a ‘mercial in Jamaica. A ‘mercial, which will never air. 

Yet it is cute how Kim is trying really hard to actually make Cynthia’s little mess of a project a success, and you can see Cynthia is pleasantly surprised to be treated like someone who actually matters for a change. Instead of some robotic dumb-dumb who can be programmed to do any old stupid thing, for instance, marry Peter in a dinosaur museum while wearing a giant silver table cloth repurposed into a dress and cinched with a discount Christmas bow form the Joann Fabrics holiday clearance. 

When Kenya arrives and shows her ass so hard I don’t know how she could sit down the next morning. I was embarrassed as hell for her. Kenya somehow decided it’s KIM’s fault she wasn’t ‘hired’ to play-direct Cynthia’s ‘mercial. Kenya begins by ripping into Cynthia for not respecting her. Absolutely Cynthia SHOULD have called Kenya, but she spent all her track phone minutes stalking Peachter in Charlotte, so… However Cynthia made a fair point by saying she has always shown up for Kenya’s shenanigans. I mean she wore fake dreads for Delusion Twirls On! 

Failing to get the response she wants from Cynthia (which is begging her to be part of the project so Kenya can undermine Kim and then manipulate the situation to be all about her), Kenya begins lashing out and misdirecting her anger onto Kim. Kenya stooped to insulting Kim’s age (Kenya and Kim are pretty much the same age), her appearance, and career. “You’re trying to alienate me from one of my best friends!” Kenya actually yells at Kim. 

Kenya also acted like Kim hasn’t worked since she was a teenager and demanded to know what commercials Kim has done. Uh, has Kenya worked on any?! #RhetoricalQuestion Krayonce, we know you have Kim’s Wikipedia page on your Favorite’s list, so stop. Initially Kim tries to keep it professional by directing her responses to Cynthia and reminding Kenya that Cynthia is the client so she gets to decide what direction the commercial takes. Kim finally snaps – she snaps that Kenya should return to the kiddie table, and go take a nap because she’s tired. And tiresome!

Kenya accused Kim of having it out for her and being condescending, but Krayoce just doesn’t understand ADULT behavior. I have to hand it to Kim –  she never raised her voice. As she said, “My elevator doesn’t go down there.” 

Kim schooled Kenya for acting like a puerile mess with no manners or maturity to speak of, then decided she’d see herself out. Kim should have walked away from that bogus ‘mercial job while she was at it!

Kenya stood up and started clapping that Tootie was skating away. Even worse, Krayonce yanked Kim’s chair as she was preparing to stand up. “I still had my Jesus with me, so I wasn’t going to knock a bitch upside her head!” recounts Kim. As Kim walked away, solemnly, Kenya followed, clapping and cheering. Kenya is jealous. Obnoxiously, Cynthia just sat there, like a lump, eating her sushi and pretending none of it was happening. 

Obviously Kenya is her own worst enemy – she assumed Kim would be an easy target since Kim is mild-mannered and non-confrontational, but she didn’t count on Kim being savvy and mature. Kenya can’t handle that Kim can call her out without resorting to name-calling, antics, or intimidation. I haven’t always liked Kenya, but she can bring a fun, zany energy to the show with her nonsense. This incident confirmed there is nothing zany about Krayonce – only insane-y and mean. Your elevator is so low, it got stranded in the basement and the maintenance man gave up even trying. 

“I’m somebody’s mother. I’m somebody’s wife. I’m a brand,” says an aghast Kim. But.. But.. Kenya has a tarnished Miss Who-S-A crown and a hot rent-a-date. Plus puppies! 

Back in her room, Kim unloads to Christopher, getting so mad she drops the F-bomb. She immediately covers her mouth like her mama is standing by with soap to wash out her mouth. Jesus doesn’t have a cussing jar, Kim!

Christopher, who is rapidly campaigning for Peachter’s peach, reminds Kim not to allow Kenya’s antics to control her. They hugged each other for support and wondered how long they would have to stay on this island of horrors. The coast guard can’t save you now! 

Cynthia, meanwhile, goes to seek support from NeNe. She actually didn’t seem ruffled at all by Kenya’s behavior. NeNe’s attitude was just like duh – who would hire Kenya over Kim? Y’all have seen Life Twirls On! No, actually you haven’t since it never aired anywhere but in Kenya’s imagination (and Facebook?). Yet Kenya called KIM delusional. 

At dinner Kenya would rather gouge her eyes out than discuss the situation with Kim, who, now that she has summoned Jesus to build a wall against the confusing words of Satan, is sitting there casual as a cat perched on a windowsill. Speaking of Satan loving confusion, in walks NeNe with Cynthia at her side. SURPRISE! 

Kenya sulks, stone-faced and temporal, leaning on Bob’s arm while ignoring Matt, her date (Porsha was ready to snatch him right up!), and threatens to hijack a lantern to light her ass on fire. Peachter requests a ladder. Cynthia announces NeNe is gonna star in the commercial with her. With that Kenya leaves the table. No one bothered to chase after her. Christopher and Phaedra believe Kenya felt betrayed by Cynthia and took it out on Kim, but if she’s truly a businesswoman, as she claims, she wouldn’t be so butt-hurt.

Instead the ladies hung on NeNe’s every word, as if she was a camp counselor around the fire telling ghost stories. R What emerged is that Cynthia and NeNe are allies friends again. NeNe hears that in her absence, Kenya and Cynthia became BFF. Cynthia denies it. “We’re still getting to know each other,” she insists, “you’re BFFs overnight.” If Phaedra and Porsha’s side-eyes could talk… 

Instead the side-eye that talked was Sheree’s! After rehashing with NeNe about their many, many fights (NeNe still hasn’t fixed that face given her makeup!), Sheree received confirmation that Cynthia and Kenya were actually only BFFN: Best Friends For Now. With NeNe’s return, Kenya could exit the building (to the sound of her own clapping applause echoing in the background). 

So Sheree, wearing her special serpentine headpiece, wandered over to Kenya’s room to reveal that Cynthia denied Kenya was her BFF. Kenya is furious. Rightfully. 

Peachter has surprised Cynthia by flying Malorie to Jamaica. Mal probably agreed in order to kidnap Cynthia and drag her to a deprogramming unit deep in the Mohave dessert. Mal and Cynthia are in the middle of their reunion when Kenya knocks on the door to confront Cynthia over Sheree’s allegations. Cynthia denies everything, twisting her words around and around. She said they were “very close!” y,all. That counts. 

I get it Cynthia was mad at Kenya for her behavior towards Kim. Cynthia did call Kenya out on that (thankfully), but Cynthia lied like a Peachter by denying she told NeNe that Kenya wasn’t her BFF. The Cynthiabot is malfunctioning – Peachter probably forgot to pay the maintenance fees. Or else NeNe took over the controls. Kenya counters that NeNe backstabbed Cynthia and tried to destroy her. Kenya’s feelings are hurt by Cynthia, but Cynthia, still reeling from commercial-catastrophe,  quips, “Are you done?” 

Kenya decides to skip the planned trip for the day. 

Down at the beach Phaedra and Porsha are practicing what animal they’d play in the bedroom should a suitor appear. They’re both shocked by NeNe‘s surprise arrival.  Neither are surprised that Cynthia flippity-flip-flip-floppered on her friendship with Kenya as soon as NeNe beckoned. I hope Cynthia kept a copy of that friend contract! 

Back in Atlanta, Kandi Burruss is relieved she skipped the trip and is perfectly content to plan the remodel of Baby Tucker’s bathroom from the comfort of her garishly decorated living room. 

TELL US – TEAM KENYA OR TEAM KIM?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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