Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: No One Can Cope In Copenhagen

Whew! The ladies of Real Housewives Of Dallas know how to bring it home, do they not?! Also, I have to say I kinda like a screechy, raw, D’Andra Simmons. Classy she is not, but that bridge has already been burned and renamed in honor of Kameron Westcott.

Also, I don’t have a pantyliner on my underwear or a weave, but I’m beyond tired of The LeeAnne Locken And D’Andra Simmons Show.

Arriving in Copenhagen D’Andra is cranky because she flew coach to try and prove that she’s a grownup. #FAIL On the bus to the hotel the champagne is already laid out and Brandi Redmond plans to spend this entire trip passive-aggressively acting like an alcoholic to teach LeeAnne a lesson. I mean good plan – I’m sure it won’t backfire at all! Brandi plans to get so wasted at dinner she thinks LeeAnne will be forced to call her an alcoholic to her face so Brandi can confront her about the accusation, but D’Andra ruined everything! D’Andra always ruins everything according to Kameron, who actually always ruins everything.

They’re not friends anymore so Kameron has decided she will make D’Andra feel that loss dearly by badgering her with reminders of how it is all D’Andra’s fault they are not friends. Kameron only tried to help her but no good deed goes unpunished. And on Kameron’s eagle-eyed watch no bad friend does either! Also, as a good friend to LeeAnne Kameron has to help fight her battles. It’s called having each other’s back. And Kameron learned that during college when she embraced ALLLL the fine arts, even gang-stirrrrrrr rap, (or whatever Mama Dee does with a meatloaf). And also techno music. Which makes you look like the wavy arm guy outside car dealerships, but that allows you to have feelings of connection with like whatever things are inside you. And it’s also how you tell Court Westcott you have a headache at bedtime!

RELATED: LeeAnne Locken Accuses D’Andra Simmons’ Mother Of Gaslighting Brandi Redmond

Kameron explaining how she dances to techno was her second best moment on this show. Her first best moment was when she took a Xanax on the plane and it hadn’t completely worn off by the time they were in the airport shuttle, so she decided to create a rap persona. If rapping was for narcoleptics who fell asleep in between words. “Where… My … Hoe… .” Then Kameron spilled champagne all over D’Andra and slurred, “swarma’s a bitch,” while D’Andra frantically wiped herself off. Don’t want to look like an alcoholic and smell like one too!

For the first dinner, Cary Deuber drags them all to a Michelin Star restaurant which serves tiny pieces of cat tongue and beef throat with caterpillar foam and all the usual yucky science experiences these places call food. It’s a big mistake to take Housewives and small children anyplace where they’ll be bored, especially if they’re also tired! Cary should know better!   Kameron starts whining about wanting a quesadilla almost immediately. In Copenhagen. Because she only likes American food. Or glittery air fluff. So I don’t even think Kameron ate anything and was feeling hangry, and then Cary had to go and bring up LeeAnne’s wedding, so the next thing we knew everyone was ignoring $200 cheese plates of microfabricated carbon cheese made from dryer sheets and crayons, to get in a big fight about who’s the worst friend.

If only Kameron hadn’t asked why D’ANDRA IS SUCH A BAD FRIEND THAT SHE SKIPPED LEEANNE’S DRESS SHOPPING WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A PHONE CALL. Um, isn’t Kameron one of LeeAnne’s besties – why wasn’t she there? But D’Andra was RUNNING A BUSINESS and couldn’t drop everything, last minute.

The claws literally are out! D’Andra, trained by Mama Dee, is a tiger, Kameron, afraid of Jimmy but wishing she had the claws to stand up to her mother-in-law, is a Persian cat forced to eat off-brand cat food. The thing is, and it pains me because I usually love Kam’s off-brand of crazy, but I’m on D’Andra’s side here. First of all Kameron and LeeAnne ARE ganging up on D’Andra. And yes, D’Andra has done lots of shitting things to LeeAnne and deserves her wrath. Second of all, D’Andra did not “attack” Kameron by letting Kameron know that her feelings were hurt because Kameron and Jimmy attacked lectured her about how she behaves. At a party thrown by D’Andra’s mother no less! Whereas I do feel like Kameron saying she’s been “nothing but a good friend” to D’Andra is a total lie. D’Andra is right – it is Kameron and LeeAnne who are going around telling people, people like Jimmy for instance, that D’Andra is trashy, then complaining that everyone is talking about how badly D’Andra is behavior. And now they’re calling her psycho, among other things because Kameron loves to make accusations!

RELATED: Kameron Westcott On D’Andra Simmons: “If D’Andra Wants To Trash It Up, Good For Her, I Really Don’t Care”

Yes – D’Andra did act psycho at that dinner! She was eyeing Kam like a T-bone steak because the only thing on the menu was pre-masticated peas. “Kameron loves pushing buttons and D’Andra is like the dashboard on a 747,” Cary accurately explains. Like when Kameron snapped, “Is this how your mother yells at you?” Exactly like that, and I’m sure we know where Kameron heard this (hint, hint: LeeAnne!)

Stephanie Hollman is 100% correct that for all D’Andra’s pretending that she’s over caring what Dallas society thinks of her, she does care. A lot. Too much. And she always will, but I don’t think D’Andra has done anything that awful to incur the wrath as a deviant? Just me, am I so societally unsophisticated that I don’t even get it?

Kameron is mad that D’Andra is bringing Jimmy into this whole argument?

Kameron decides she can’t be around such psycho people, and she’ll never be friends with D’Andra again, so she storms away from the table, only to run into D’Andra in the elevator where they have a big fight about elevator privilege, which was broken up by Brandi literally throwing herself into the elevator gap.

Kameron is so hurt by D’Andra turning psycho she “sobs” tears made of glistening air because Westcott women do not emit liquids! So unsanitary. What Kameron does instead is WHINE. Like a 5-year-old who doesn’t get their way. That sound is seared into my brains. “I’ve done nothing but be a good friend to her,” Kameron wail/whines. Kameron is so pure she doesn’t have a mean bone in her body and wouldn’t never talk about people. The irony was that she was saying all this to Brandi, someone she has talked about nastily about for years, judged and tried to alienate. I think what is true is that Kameron doesn’t have bones in her body and is made entirely of cartilage and hubris.

Stephanie tried to be empathetic to everyone’s feelings, but her eyes are bigger than her mouth so LeeAnne kept cutting her off – NO ONE will waste words defending D’Andra!

Back at the hotel Kameron is still whining about how she was voted “friend of the year 2002” in her sorority, so D’Andra and LeeAnne start going at it about amygdala, meditations, and eventually it comes full circle with D’Andra once again trying to explain her mind to Kameron only to be met with more whining. Now I understand why Kameron connects with dogs – they’re the only species able to hear the frequency of her voice. Ugh.

This time it is LeeAnne who inserts herself into Kameron and D’Andra’s issues, so D’Andra tells her to “shut up!” and quick as you can LeeAnne is standing up over her on the sofa, so D’Andra shoves her down. LeeAnne is like a weevil though a pops right back up, so Brandi has to leap in between them – again. Man, is D’Andra such a southern sorority girl, and so is Brandi. That is what they have in common. And D’Andra, certainly, has never emotionally grown up.

After they nearly come to blows, LeeAnne storms off to bed because she is tired of D’Andra never being able to say “I’m sorry” or “I’m wrong” and always having to be right. Yep, LeeAnne is right about that! LeeAnne is fed up always being a friend to D’Andra who doesn’t reciprocate fairly. I sense this is often a problem LeeAnne has because she tries to associate with all these high-society women, and she tries way too hard, and they’ll never truly see her as their equal. LeeAnne ends her rampage by declaring, “My weave is tired. The panty liner on my underwear is tired…” Mine too! Throw it all of out and throw this stupid feud out with it! Also, would Kameron deem talking about pantyliners socially acceptable?

“I need a tequila shot and a hug,” sighs Stephanie before finally climbing into bed to the sounds of Brandi retching. Poor Brandi –  she got trashed for no reason, then spent the entire morning throwing up a $500 dinner of goat esophagus served with a gravy of panda eyeball drippings. Stephanie tried to warn her that it was a bad idea…

The next morning, before they even get on their makeup, Kameron and LeeAnne are calling D’Andra psycho and plotting to avoid her. The women can spend the day either at a brewery or a cooking lesson. Everyone was supposed to go a cooking lesson, except for Brandi and Stephanie because Brandi wants to avoid LeeAnne, and also reinforce that she’s an alcoholic. But after the fight, it’s just Cary and D’Andra making danishes.

Instead, Kameron and LeeAnne joined Brandi and Stephanie, and Brandi was not thrilled. Because guess what they spent the entire time talking about: D’ANDRA. Drink every time you hear her name and you’ll be drunker than Brandi making a pyramid out of crystal decanters in a 5-star restaurant. Honestly, my real problem with LeeAnne is that the woman who was ousted for shitting in a bag in a limo during season 1, now wants to act like her shit don’t stink and that she has the authority to judge other’s behaviors.

Stephanie, who is trying to double-down on this getting along with everyone spree, tries to get Brandi to admit that LeeAnne not smacking D’Andra the night before means she’s really changed, but Brandi is not biting. Which, oddly, I respected. Why lie for social niceties? Why be – the cardinal Housewives sin – fake?

That evening they all go to Cary’s cousin’s album release which was really cute. Cary and her cousin look alike (before all the injectables) and she was so happy to reconnect with family. Very sweet. Afterward, over drinks, Brandi takes the opportunity to calmly tell LeeAnne that she heard from Mama Dee that LeeAnne had called her an alcoholic. LeeAnne flat-out denies it until Cary seconds that LeeAnne actually said it in front of her too. But, of course, meddling once again, Kameron insists that LeeAnne would never – neeeeever! – say such a “big word.”  Thus throwing Cary, who has really defended Kameron at the expense of D’Andra, right under the bus. Cary isn’t angry enough (yet) to let it bother her, but we all know it’s coming!

Brandi believes the negative rumors – the ones everyone knows Kameron and LeeAnne love to spread – could impact the finalization of her adoption. LeeAnne scoffs at this, but offers an insincere apology for her words, blames her amygdala, and then just when she expects everyone to once again praise her for being such a changed human being who does the right thing, Brandi tells them another reason she’s so upset by at the allegation is because when her marriage was really struggling she would drink a bottle of wine at night to cope. Hmmm.. I’m guessing she previously confided this to LeeAnne and that’s what Brandi means when she keeps mentioning how LeeAnne uses people’s weaknesses against them…

LeeAnne rolls her eyes sulks and huffs and puffs while all the women hug Brandi and offer her reassurance. Even Kameron. Why aren’t they paying attention to her for being SUCH a big person who admits when she’s wrong?! LeeAnne decides Brandi can’t actually be an alcoholic because she’s not sophisticated enough, therefore she’s only a “drunk.” Oh please, LeeAnne. Just stop. Now you’re even the authority on which addictions are classy? Your panty liner is even laughing at you pretending to be sophisticated!

You know for all Kameron and LeeAnne’s phony worries that Brandi is a bad influence on D’Andra, what Kameron really oughtta care about is the bad influence LeeAnne has had on her! Kameron is so swept up in backing LeeAnne in her fight with D’Andra that she doesn’t realize she’s turned into a catty, mean girl. Last week I thought D’Andra was reaching in her description of those two, but this week not so much. I have a feeling that by the time next season rolls around Jimmy, Kameron’s true “best friend” will have stepped in to put the kibosh on this friendship and Kameron will be explaining in her valley girl voice that she and LeeAnne juuuuuuust grew apart. After all being friends with the help isn’t really a good idea for bound-dar-ries, girl.

TELL US – DID D’ANDRA GO TOO FAR? IS KAMERON NOTHING BUT A GOOD FRIEND?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

 

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