Below Deck Recap: Marshmallow Foot

ZOMG – a sea monster took over Caroline Bedol‘s food, implanted it with an egg which will soon hatch into live young, that turn into slimy clear-colored creatures that eat Kate Chastain‘s nasty attitude. And then turn her into a giant Cheeto after midnight. Or at least that’s my Halloween version of what happened on last night’s Below Deck!

What actually happened is that Chandler Brooks continued to show the same leadership skills as a teenager morphed into an adult in Freaky Friday. He’s also, as Rhylee Gerber so eloquently told us, just a really big “prick.” Indeed. Maybe HE is what punctured Caroline’s toe and caused it to swell up voluminously it will eventually take over her entire body and turn it into one of the giant pillows they drop over the side of the boat? You know the ones Rhylee *gasp* dragged for the second time even though she knew better!

Kate showed no sympathy for Caroline’s freak foot injury. I mean blame Tahiti mosquitoes, not the girl. Also Ashton Pineaar literally does ev-er-reee-thing for everyone: from wearing loin cloths, to being the voice of reason and on-board parent cum counselor, to putting up slides, to taking down slides… I think it’s because everyone just wants to stare at his big beefy muscles or something.

I can’t figure out what purpose Josiah Carter serves other than to be Kate’s Bitchiness Plus 1 and to destroy what little sanity remains inside Caroline. Really, it’s like the anxiety she feels inside is projecting outward, causing her limbs to swell. It seems no coincidence that she woke up with marshmallow foot the day after overhearing Kate and Josiah’s drunken complaints against her!

Kate woke up with mascara smeared on her face, rolled over and started munching on last night’s stale Cheetos, when a giant Cheeto hobbles in. Just when Kate opens her mouth, preparing to consume the ultimate hangover cure, the giant Cheeto speaks and it turns out to be Caroline! Frantically yammering about how she’s so not like upset that Kate talked about her, but like don’t talk about her again, and like just you know, she’s over it and like it’s OK, but it’s like so not OK, cause feelings. Feelings are real. And she’s entitled to them. And now look at her puffy toe. Kate is like… is that contagious? Also leave, just in case it’s the toe equivalent of pink eye or herpes. But Caroline’s damage has been done and Kate now has to get out of bed on the only side she knows: the wrong side of the bed.

The bigger problem is that the crew mess looks like a frat house. All because Kate is shirking her day on the cleaning chart? And obviously Kate missing her one day is causing all the problems. Who knows – maybe it is?! After all it’s not like Chandler can be relied upon to show any management about how the cleaning schedule works.

Rhylee will take it upon herself to remind everyone that this one time, in Alaska, she like captained a fish boat. And like this second time, in Alaska, she was the captain of a fish boat… and she could see Russia from it’s prowl. And Russia was also shaped like a tuna. But this third time, in Alaska, when Rhylee was a fishing boat captain, she learned about cleaning hierarchy and when the schedules ay-says your it, you grab your mop and CHARGE. Kate does not agree. She cleans enough in her prestigious role as chief stewardess, she will not then wipe the dishes of these gremlin underlings with much, much more time on their hands. “Kate is definitely used to being the bitch in charge,” snipes Rhylee. “With me, I don’t give a f–k whether you’re a bitch or you’re in charge.” Too bad Captain Lee Rosbach does not agree!

As Ashton is literally hanging from a harness wiping windows while Kate and Josiah watch from inside the air conditioned cabins, Kate decides she’d like to try the crotch harness too! It’s like Below Deck’s version of an amusement park. Oh wait… that’s actually riding Caroline’s emotional roller coaster. Anyway, Rhylee intercepts Kate’s radio call about trying the harness to remind her that Kate is too busy! If she’s too busy to clean, she’s too busy for fun!  “What is wrong with that girl,” explodes Kate. What’s wrong with that girl is that clearly she’s used to being the bitch in charge!

With Caroline’s foot now doubled in size she is sent to the doctor, but Kate thinks she should just suck it up and walk it off. However the doctor tells Caroline she got an infection from a mosquito bite because it turns out things in Tahiti are toxic. (Especially the yachtie transplants. ) Sadly Kate has no time for Caroline’s incidents and accidents because she needs her to work, work, work, work!

The oncoming primary charter is Charles Yim, who invented the smartphone Breathalzyzer and will go down in history as one of the grossest guests they’ve ever had. And THAT is a prestigious list, let me tell you! Captain Lee immediately dismisses Charles and his crew as “New money” as Kate knowingly rolls her eyes. She explains, “New money is impatient because it hasn’t had these luxuries yet and it can’t wait to get them.” Also new money = water sports. Which = slide drama.

Anyway, Charles is there with his girlfriend, some friends and about the only thing they all have in common is social media addiction. How quaint.

While they’re scrubbing the boat Ashton pulls Rhylee aside to warn her about picking fights with Kate and causing unrest among the crew. On her one precious break, Rhylee’s quiet time is dominated of thoughts of Kate’s wrath. Can she really take on the indomitable chief stewardess with the killer centerpieces? Rhylee realizes that no, she has to pick and choose her battle and she’s choosing Chandler, so she apologizes and eats humble pie. Which would probably be delicious if prepared by Adrian Martin , but alas it was only a reheated microwavable version. Kate does not mind bad humble pie though. “I love an apology,” she crows. “Even if you don’t mean it. Even better! I love an inauthentic apology because that means you’re really swallowing your pride, you know! Good job Rhylee.” So that is the way to rise in esteem in Kate’s eyes. Who knew?

With the deck crew working round the clock, but often in shambles, Chandler decides to hold a team meeting before the charter. Except it was another fail because as Ashton noted, “No game plan!” Chandler didn’t bother telling them what to do or map out a schedule or assign off and on shifts, but he did make sure to explain what type of mixers should be included in the bag for the beach picnic. Shouldn’t that be Kate’s game plan, or is she too busy?

Kate has ordered amazing flower crowns for the charters and they spend all of 5 seconds admiring them before whipping out their phones and seeing all of Tahiti through an iPhone lens. “I’m already over it,” moans Josiah about these Instagram-obsessed guests. They literally are photographing themselves holding phones and the only time the put them down was to do said water sports. Jet skis + iPhone = Caroline-level collapse.

Kate is treating Caroline’s injured foot as a personal assault on her and her work load. Whenever Caroline asks to take a break to ice her foot (per doctor’s orders), or hobbles a little too slowly, or mentions that it hurts Kate does this sigh and gets this look that dismisses Caroline as a lazy nuisance. I don’t think Caroline is complaining that much – she basically just said it hurt when asked, but she’s still working hard, even if at a slower pace. She was the first person up doing laundry and on charter had the late shift. Kate is pretty much being a totally insensitive biatch. I think she and Josiah are a bad influence on each other.

No one is really feeling the love this charter. With her foot in pain, and no one taking her seriously  Caroline turns her wrath on innocent, sweet-natured Ashton and screams at him over the crew mess being messy, since apparently this like everything else on board is solely his responsibility. Then not 15 seconds later after Caroline’s pain meds must’ve kicked in and she had a moment of realization, she hugged, and kissed him and apologized. Ashton shudders at the thought of dating her, but then realizes that’s all Chandler who deserves the karma!.

Chandler meanwhile is mocking Rhylee to Ashton and Ross Inia while constantly assigning her the worst tasks then berating her when she doesn’t know how to do them. Of course she’s also not getting any reasonable breaks and she’s ridiculed for asking questions, so things are going swell. I think Im having a change of heart about Rhylee because she’s doing a pretty decent job of just working through her fury.

Since Chandler wanted to talk about what a nutcase Caroline is he asks Ashton to help him break down the slide and change his radio frequency so the entire crew doesn’t have to hear their conversation. Wrong rime; wrong place. Because Kate starts calling Chandler (probably intentionally to catch him out) and when she gets no response, Captain Lee takes over radioing him. After a warning from Caroline to change his radio back, Chandler finally switches his frequency only to encounter a furious Captain Lee. What if there was a fire?! How would Chandler + crew know to get out?! Kate snickers in the background as Lee barks at Chandler over the radio, then demands a man-to-man chat about the importance of following the rules. Poor Chandler… JK!

After a full day of water sports and suffering from cell phone withdrawal from his time on the jet ski, Charles needs a nap. And a refreshing smoothie! He calls from the cabin and when Kate answers his distress call he opens the door with an unpleasant surprise: his penis! Yes – Completely Naked and smirking! If ever there was a place to put a flower crown…  He was probably hoping Kate would take an iPhone video to put on his IG.

I guess Charles’s need for attention smoothies was so intense he couldn’t wait until after sex? It looked like Kate put ketchup in one of them, so Katezuma’s Revenge. So yay for “Naked Smoothie Time!” The guests left another surprise in their room when they went to dinner – a baby octopus!

Just kidding – when Caroline hobbled in to do turndown she literally found a USED CONDOM on the nightstand. DISGUSTING, but good job on them for practicing safe sex.

Over dinner the guests spend more time interacting with their phones than each other or Adrian’s food, so Kate comes up with the brilliant idea to make Ashton wear fond leaves and serve dessert. This is after he’s worked all day with no break. Instead of appreciating it, they immediately reached for their phones to capture the moment. Kate throws her hands up, gives Caroline another 5 to ice her foot, and then wallows in how much extra work she has to do because of hobble toe. Life is not fair!

The other matter is that the guests want to go deep-sea fishing and guess who was a fishing boat captain in Alaska. I’ll give you a hint – it rhymes with Highly! Instead it is Ashton who is told to meet Chandler on the deck at 9am instead of Rhylee – an experienced fisherman. Even though Ashton doesn’t know how to fish and will only wind up getting 5 hours of sleep. Ashton complains to Ross that if they’re not properly rested the boat will start suffering. Well, this should go swimmingly.

As Ashton observes, Chandler is letting his dislike of Rhylee majorly cloud his judgement.

TELL US – IS CHANDLER BEING TOO HARD ON RHYLEE AND ASHTON?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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