Last night’s Below Deck charter was annoying “AF,” which is how lead charter guest Sarah liked to tag every last thing! I don’t know if she just learned to spell and wanted to prove that she can, or possibly that she thinks English is a dead language replaced by Hashtag Speak, but she was correct in labeling their group “H.M.E”: Hot Mess Express. More like Hot Mess Distress.
The happy couple was only happy if there was booze to be consumed, and her much-older fiance was essentially silent as she careened around the yacht complaining, tantrum-ing, and shrieking like Vicki Gunvalson. Shockingly the one thing aboard Valor that consistently impressed this charter group was Jen Howell. How’s that for a reversal of the status quo!?
While the last charter was boring AF, these guests came on board to celebrate their engagement, which required turning Valor into a party barge from MTV Spring Break. Every single thing was booze, booze, booze, and when they weren’t guzzling their liquor, they were sexually harassing Jen! Seriously.
Jen has been inept AF, but last night she handled herself with class and it was super unfortunate that Kate Chastain wasn’t more supportive of the guest’s mistreatment. If anything, the guests adoring Jen and relying on her for everything seemed to make Kate happy, since she wanted to avoid this charter like the plague.
Moments after getting on board, Sarah is complaining about every last thing while demanding non-stop drinks and also music so they can Dance! Dance! Dance! She wants her luggage unpacked with all her barely-legal swimsuits displayed (and probably also ironed and then placed on her prodigious rack). Thankfully, Jen rules at the unpacking game – including propping up a giant, geriatric teddy bear in one of the guest’s rooms. Kate is impressed that she’s finally found something Jen can manage – arranging stuffed animals! I suppose being a mom and acting like a child has given Jen a lot of practice in that realm.
The guests wanted a light lunch almost immediately which has Matt Burns scrambling to make seared steak salad. In between skinny margaritas and any other alcohol she can get her hands on, Sarah gobbles it up, then complains that it’s the only the food they get. Her father-fiance whispers in her ear that she needs to settle down or take a time out in the corner.
These guests are so ravenous for alcohol that Kate was literally chasing them around the yacht trying to stop them from breaking into the wine cooler themselves. Is the plan is to drink Valor dry?
While Jen is managing bears, Brianna Adekeye is on booze patrol, and poor Bruno Duarte is forced to assist “interior” soothe these snooty guests. Since Sarah wants music NOW up in da club, and Kate is playing wine tag, it falls on him to save the day by finding the stereo. Apparently this is quite a Herculean effort which requires taking many breaks to gawk at Sarah in her bikini. Bruno complains to Nico Scholly that “interior” sucks and he shouldn’t have to do their jobs. Nico has no room to talk about anyone sucking – and also, hey DUDE! That’s your girlfriend Bruno is talking about. Rude AF.
After swimming and shrieking, the guests enjoy many more drinks with their dinner, then a PJ party. In preparation for the evening’s event, Jen is ironing flannel pants per the guests’ request and when she shows the lascivious wife her options, the woman leers that her husband finds Jen attractive, then closes the cabin door, trapping Jen inside, and takes off her clothes and shoves her “titties” in Jen’s face! “I’m just giving you want want,” she slurs, as Jen says no and escapes as soon as possible. Back upstairs she warns Kate that she’s not going down there alone again, but instead of being supportive, Kate shrugs it off. Apparently this comes with the yachting territory, which Jen would know if she were a real yachtie. Nice Kate. Great job supporting women’s rights. And what a prescient episode in the wake of the Harvey Weinstein revelations. Jen was quite literally Harvey Weinstein’d. (No joke).
The guests said PJ party, but what they meant, according to Kate, was a lingerie party. And sure enough no flannel pajamas were worn. Baker Manning and EJ Jansen got their consensual flirt on as they erected (see what I did there!) a tent under the stars on the roof of Valor, complete with pillows, blankets, and billowing canopies. It was romantic AF! Of course the guests arrived in next to nothing – including one wife wearing a shortie robe with no panties. The only thing they cared about was the caliber of booze being served. Cucumber gimlets! The best Scotch. Now! Now! Now! Do these people not have access to alcohol where they come from? Or are they afraid without booze they’ll realize how unhappy they all are and that they have nothing to say to each other?
Shockingly, after all the liquor, lead guest Sarah is up bright and early to exercise – girl has to earn her keep!
The next day, the plan is a beach picnic. This no normal beach picnic though, oh no! The theme is Guys in Bow Ties; Girls in Pearls. Kate is overjoyed.
Nico volunteers to lead the picnic. He wants to prove to Captain Lee Rosbach that EJ is an unnecessary hassle, who should be fired because he is the real bosun! Famous last words, right? Also leaping in to prove himself is Bruno. Does he want to transition from deck hand to “interior” since they suck and need saving? Trying to suck up to Kate, he volunteers to pack a portable bar, but Kate reminds him it’s not even 10 am and perhaps they could engage the guests in water sports or sunbathing – NOT boozing. Bruno prevails though and an enormous cooler full of liquor is carted onto the tender and requires two strong (re: alive) men to lift it to shore. Somewhere aboard Valor, Sarah was probably watching with her binoculars trained on its every move, salivating, and holding her breath for fear that some of the precious glass bottles would jostle and break wasting this precious liquid courage of the Gods. I mean, girl has to pay the hefty price to the piper to live a life this luxurious!
Matt was thinking tacos for lunch until Kate steers him straight. How about bowtie pasta with fresh peas – to fit this very high-brow theme?!
That’s where the simplicity ends. On the beach, Nico is a clusterf–k who over-complicates every detail, like setting up a tent on the super windy day when there’s a perfectly nice cabana behind it. After he spends forever setting up said tent, he doesn’t bother to secure it and it blows away and is ruined. Lee watches, disgustedly, from the boat as lunch is delayed later and later, frustrating the guests. The guest who wants to be in Jen’s pants complains that she’s “lost all sun time” waiting for transport to the beach.
When they finally arrive on shore, it’s water they want, not alcohol, but Jen is fussing over a fancy fused fruit water while they die of dehydration. Maybe that was her plan in order for them to leave her alone? Of course Jen was wearing such a stunning and giant bow on her head the wife couldn’t resist mentioning that her husband loves it. The same husband who referred to the bathroom as “the little boy’s room.” These people are creepy AF.
After about an hour on the beach, the guests are eager to get back on board with easier access to booze. And Jen, apparently.
Over dinner, the wife straight-up grabs Jen’s ass after telling her how pretty she is. When Jen relays this to Kate, Kate is again unbothered. This really disappoints me. Instead of giving Jen some tips on how to handle handsy guests, or even pulling her from service since she is being SEXUALLY HARRASSED, Kate is like, well it comes with the job and we’ve all dealt with it.
Just when Jen thought she had escaped the hands of Mrs. Grabby, she comes right into the kitchen to invade her space. Ostensibly her reason was to remind her that she wants “ice cold water” in her room for turn down, but that seemed like a ploy to get Jen into her room at bedtime and then possibly suggest a little trip on a train going downtown.
Witnessing the interaction, Kate lectures Jen for “sending mixed signals” with the wife by touching her waist and being too friendly. Yes, Jen did touch the woman’s waist, but only because she was stumbling into the kitchen and practically rubbing her crotch onto Jen. Jen explains that she didn’t want her to fall down.
At least Kate did Jen a solid by coming with her to bring the water at turn down so she wouldn’t be alone in the people’s room when they arrived. The couple came downstairs just as Jen and Kate made their escape to hide in another room. I think Kate should’ve told Lee about all this. Just me?
Despite all the hassle, the guests weren’t that thrilled with the charter and their tip reflected it. An unimpressed Captain Lee complains that service continues to be “mediocre” and he is most annoyed with Nico.
Nico can’t be bothered, though, because his brother is coming to visit and lucky Brianna gets to meet the family mere minutes into her ‘relationship’! In yachting, because of the confines, things move fast. Next week they’ll be broken up and arguing for shared custody of the pillow.
Nico’s brother is basically a puffier version of Nico, but desperate Jen finds him hot. So cute she starts sexually harassing him. Has she learned nothing from her experiences of unwanted advances the day before!? Obviously not. Everyone ventures out for a beach day, where Jen calls him hot enough to light a fire by rubbing leaves on his body. She decides that he’s younger, but she’s fine with “rocking the cradle a little bit.” That happens later, on the party bus Nico rented for the occasion where Jen bump and grind dances like this is 1999.
Meanwhile, poor bumbling EJ tried to kiss Baker, but got sand in his eye and was thwarted. He likes her attitude and vibes and that he can confide in her about how much Nico sucks – and she totally understands!
After drunk shenanigans on the bus, it’s back on board where a case of dirty feet have Nico and EJ in another fight. The bus was filthy and no one wore shoes, so when they came back on board their feet were black. EJ told everyone including Nico’s brother to wash their feet, and was met with scorn and arguments, then Nico “talking shit” and cussing at him again. Poor EJ – he just can’t win! Annoying AF. Also Nico does realize EJ IS HIS BOSS!
TELL US – DID KATE HANDLE JEN’S ISSUE CORRECTLY? SHOULD NICO BE FIRED?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
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from Reality Tea http://www.realitytea.com/2017/11/01/below-deck-recap-frisky-af/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=below-deck-recap-frisky-af
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